Usually I start with a topic, a subject of importance to share or a thought I need to search on, tonight I have scattered happenings and thoughts I feel to share. So needless to say no title.

First, a little personal happenings...

Today at work I had the trial of serving a baby shower at the restrauant I work at. The people I work with don't know about my journey with Max, well they do if they have asked if I have children. But they don't. They don't know the amazing, joyful, sorrow-filled, loving part. Of course then, they asked me to take the banquet, the baby shower. To say this was an easy job would be a HUGE understatement. Baby gifts, a new born, another pregnant attendee, and a room full of mom's celebrating the happy joy of a new mom was enough to put me at a place where... I fought tears, I fought angry bitter thoughts, I fought screaming do you know what I am going through right now to every mom there, including my co-workers. I held it together at least enough for show. I teared up many times and sucked it back to the best of my ability. Serving these ladies and listening to all the happy stories of a newborn and all the sharing of the joy, it was hard. But I made it. Right now I still feel the break down at the back of my throat.

Second, I haven't previously shared about much personal stuff other than Maxson and my journey through grief of course. But I want to share that Dust and I bought a home in foreclosure some time ago. It is a very old home and we have been spending much of any free time renovating this home. Tearing out walls, re-doing hardwoods, tearing wallpaper, painting, and tonight painting trim and repainting a wall color I detested.

We were not even looking for a home, my parents were actually. But we stumbled across this home and wanted to take a peek at it. It was love at first sight, the work pit that it is, had us at first visit. We put in a bid lower than we thought would be expected, and BAM we got it. I guess we were the only crazy ones to put in the work it needs. We prayed about the home and I really felt it was a God send. The home has released so much feelings, every little scrap of wall paper I tore off let out some built up emotion. Plus, it has kept us extremely busy. We have had family stay and to have our own home again to share is pretty cool, we did live with my parents for Max's whole time in my tummy and some after he left this world. God knew we needed this.

Lastly, one of my dear blog mom friends Kristy, mom of Isaac and Asher, has been given wonderful news that the baby girl she carries now is healthy, after a scare that there may be something wrong. I feel so much joy tonight knowing she can rest easy and truly enjoy the remainder of her pregnancy. On the flip side to this please continue to pray for Stellan's mom and baby Stellan as his heart fights to find the norm. He has one strong momma fighting for him, right now though she needs prayer as she is growing weary.

Now you can figure why there is no subject to tie these scattered words. I thank you for your great prayers, I know they have helped us SO much. Right now I am eternally thankful to a God who has given me a wonderful husband, a great family, a good list of real friends, a home, a job, and a baby boy that I can't go too many moments without loving on his memory.

Just one more tidbit on the job thing, I have an interview to do some freelance work with a production company please pray that it works out. I don't know if I have shared previously but I did pay some heavy dough for a degree in Digital video production. My goal is to edit for this company but I am willing to shoot or help in any way. Serving brings in some nice cash but my desire is to edit video. Please pray. If I do get the work I still plan to serve but I really want some work that I truly enjoy.

Thank you and I send my love to you all.

Max's momma


Pray for Stellan

Please pray for sweet baby Stellan. He is in the Children's hospital and needs your prayers as his heart is sick.

Stellan's mom was told he wasn't going to live when she was pregnant with him...but he lived, he was born healthy and now is four months old. Pray for healing for strength, for this family to be carried through this with a happy ending. To learn more about Stellan and his family visit their blog.



We got back late last night. The weekend was extremely busy, but it was great to see and catch up with family and friends. I am now emotionally exhausted but feel greatly blessed by the chance to see everyone.

Maxson's charity raffle was a great success. I believe the total was around 1,400, that's about 6 songs for children! Six children will be positively affected through Max's life. The different items donated touched my heart. Dustin has a great group of people he works with, they really show their more than co-workers!! It was truly one of the nicest things anyone could do to honor Max's life.

I just finished reading a post by a blog mom that has been on the same journey as I have. She has inspired and lifted me up many times in my own pain. Today, her post was so true and her words were helpful to me and I'm sure they will be to you, so I am linking her post for you to read. It will be a great help for those who have a difficult time knowing how to help a friend or family member who has lost a child. http://sgirl79.blogspot.com/2009/03/how-to-help-grieving-friend.html

Please continue to lift Dust and I up in prayer, I am always coveting prayer. The grief we bare wears us down, at times it really affects our relationship, and at times I feel so completely alone and overwhelmed. Bad days and good days, I guess. Thank you and love you all.



Charity Raffle

This Friday Dustin's fellow employees are having a luncheon and raffle with all the proceeds going to Songs of Love in Maxson's name. It is such a gift to have everyone be able to come together and give to an organization that has such an amazing mission. As Maxson's mom I feel so good that while Max's time here was short he left such an impression that now cause of his life other children will be lifted up through music.

Dust's company let us choose the charity and we choose "Songs of Love", as we know they are struggling to meet the number of song requests they get from terminally ill children. With the present economy being the way it is they need all the help they can get for one, disease is not slowing down and sick kids need hope! I really believe in what they do and am excited about the chance to give. Please feel free to check out their website on my side bar and if you know of a sick child that may need the encouragement of song just for them please make sure to tell their parents about this organization.

Songs of Love did write a song for Maxson. You can hear it on the player, its the second song. Max didn't get to hear his song. But it brought a lot of comfort to his Dad and me. And I know this organization will bring a lot of hope to other kids facing grim futures.

So yeah! I love that Maxson's name goes on. I hope Max's finger prints are all over many songs that help to give hope to the innocent in affliction.

I will catch you up on how it goes next week. Thanks for your prayers.

with much love,

I wanted to leave you with this poem I found on another Mom's site.

I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today.
I asked "what makes a Mother?" and I know I heard him say:
"A mother has a baby" this we know is true.
"But God can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?"
"Yes you can," he replied with confidence in his voice
"I give many women babies when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay."
"I just dont understand this God I want my baby here.
"He took a breath and cleared his throat and then I saw a tear
"I wish that I could show you what your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile with other children who say:
"We go to Earth and learn our lessons of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
"I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep on her pillow's where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear
Mommy dont be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.
"So you see my dear sweet one your children are okay
Your babies are here in my home they'll be at heaven's gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother its the feeling in your heart.
Its the love you had so much of right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with me one day and you'll know that youre the best one.

"by Jennifer Wasikin
memory of Zachary Thomas Wasik



This picture was taken the night before Maxson was born. The hands on my tummy belong to some of my best friends. Some drove many hours and just made it into town that night. We spent a few hours together. When this picture was taken we were all lying on my bed, I was trying to get Max to move or kick for them. They all made the last night of Max's time in my tummy so special.

Kate, Kallie, Sara, Amber, and Cassidy plus my sweet Kaylyn was there in thought (finals for her masters, I'm so proud of you). These girls mean so much to me they have grown up with me, they are some of the classiest, smart, kind-hearted, down-to-earth, beautiful ladies I know. I have been blessed to have such strong, long-lasting friendships. They all were there for Maxson's entrance into this world and his peaceful exit. I wanted them there for two reasons: one, to have even more memories of one of greatest days of my life (I now can hear their memories of that day), and two I love them dearly and wanted them to share in one of my most cherished moments. So thank you girls for being there. I love you.

I wanted to edit a new video of Max's birth and pictures this week but I have been battleing a terrible chest cold and have had an unexpected difficult week. I still haven't seen all of Max's video, I thought I was ready but since Sunday I have hit an emotional curve I didn't see coming. God is obviously a huge part of my life, I try to make him my center. But this week has brought out anger and bitterness that I'm trying to sort through. So as far as the video goes it's on hold until I feel like I felt last week, emotionally and physically. I want to have my heart in good place when I see the rest of Max's Birthday video. And I want to put together a video with a clear mind. Please pray for these feelings of anger to be lifted or that I can find my way through them.

with love,
Max's mommy


3 months

Yes, today is Maxson's 3 month birthday in heaven. Yes meaning, it seems like a lifetime ago, and yes meaning, that it feels in no way it could be three months already. Thank you so much for the sweet emails today, it means a lot. And thank you to some wonderful friends that remembered us today too, just you guys thinking of my sweet boy still means a great deal! So grateful for all of you who have shared in this journey with us. Well I would have loved for the story to be a more happy one, I think each one of you have lifted us up when I can't really imagine life without this story, now.

Today, I worked, cleaned, cleaned, laundry, and cleaned. But while I cleaned I played Max's music (blog list) and went through every emotion possible. Good Grief, literally... I obviously cried, joyful tears, sad tears, angry tears, just plain longing for him tears, fearful tears, hopeful tears, and loving tears. All with the bits of amazing feelings Maxson has brought me, I did the up and down of it today.

Of course I also had the ups and downs of thoughts...I should be's, he would haves. The sounds would be different my plans would be different, it can all be just overwhelming. I also thought the ups...thank you God, thank you Father, what a gift you have given me. What a complete blessing Maxson's life was. Complete meaning, by bringing me some of the most real most cherished memories and feelings I may ever experience again. Also, I thought about Max and my reunion. Someday I will hold and kiss and get to know my son. Really its pretty amazing to be able to look forward to it. All because our God was willing to let his son die. I can tell you I would NEVER be WILLING to lose another child. Who would? Can you tell grief is a roller coaster?

So thank you for all your prayers and please continue to pray that God will reveal himself to us during this season of grief and that Maxson's life will continue to Glorify our Father!! Plus, for my aching arms and soul. And all the other moms aching arms and souls too. We are hooking up our scanner this week and I have some new pics to share, plus I am planning on editing a new video honoring Max sometime in the next week or so. I guess tonight I have no pictures to share, soon!!

with love,

Max's momma