Miracle Max

3 years

2011-12-05T22:32:00.007-06:00

still alive. and today celebrating Maxson's life, 3rd birthday...it's hard to believe and yet it seems like forever ago i held him and had to let him go. with Max's busy lil bro Eli we didn't do too much today not to add that it was frigidly cold here. my mom asked today how the pain was, and honestly it is not as physically painful. so i guess you could say time has healed, however, Maxson's hold on my heart and his physical absence from my life here combine to add a weight on my soul that will never fade. which by no means am i saying poor me, actually i am extremely thankful for being able to feel. he is still real all i have to do is think about him and my heart grows with heaviness and yearning and love! if i didn't have that i would be so lost.

i do realize this is my first post since forever ago so i will say not much has changed besides an obvious care for capital letters, a kitchen that has been renovated, a mom and dad that ran a 5k (kind of a big deal i had to train for it, not a runner), our thirst for our Savior (increased), and a baby that did what babies do and grew...a lot. and on that note Eli is amazing he steals my heart and adds so much joy that i feel guilty feeling that much joy at times. he has such a gentle spirit to him and he just loves on everyone around him. at the moment he is just figuring out this tantrum thing but you know i think his tantrums are good, they make me realize he is not perfect:) anyway enough gloating i will add some pics at the end.

dust and i did say today we need to make this day come alive to Eli next year. i want Eli to love his brother and know he has a brother eagerly waiting for him. granted i pray daily as his parents we get to meet up with Maxson first;)

i have had two friends lose babies this year one to sids, one to t18, both first borns...it was tough to realize going through losing did not give me power to take away any of their pain or even know what to say. i realized early on all i can do is pray for them...so if you would be so kind as to lift them up when you feel led. they are both expecting again, found out about both of them just this past week. best news ever! God is good.

baby fever here is running on high but the entire process of fertility sounds like it has to wait...i know we will adopt someday i just don't think we are there yet.

so all over the place...i apologize for the absence it just felt like it needed to be done. this blog will always be but what it will be i don't know. i will always write on Maxson's birthday and maybe i will feel led to write more. writing is not my gifting so for a while it was my outlet and my counsel. but for those who prayed and supported us thank you so much and i am always up for emails.

to my first born, Maxson, my message to you today is this, we love you today like we loved you yesterday. you will always be my first, you will always be my son. i feel your absence here but i also cherish the fact you are in heaven. i can't wait for the day to hold you in my arms again and until then i hope my love is impressed upon your spirit. happy birthday Max. i love you!

5 months

2011-03-04T13:02:00.002-06:00

I remember all to well back after we lost Max how much each milestone month hurt...it was just an extra day to make me realize even more what we were missing. Well now there is much joy in milestone months, Mr. Eli is in his fifth month of life and growing leaps and bounds.

I was a little concerned he would never care to move but that is all forgotten as of Valentines Day he rolled over, since then the child is on the move. He rolls from one area of the room to another. Eli is trying desperately to crawl with no avail, but now after seeing how it just takes one day and boom their moving I just know he will conquer crawling as well. In other Eli news he has a new soothing technique in which he sings himself to sleep. It's just a ahhh ahhh ahhh...real soft and pretty, and much better than crying. He is so much more content than even a month ago and everyday he is content longer. He is beginning to eat and I think he really likes peas, at least much more than rice cereal. We are enjoying every minute and I wish it would slow down, all these stages are going by way too fast. I already want that newborn stage back.

As far as Dust and I, life is moving this old house is shaping up, we have a desire to adopt still, and a desire to maybe have one more with fertility treatments. We are trying to put our financial house in order so that when the time comes we have the means to adopt from Haiti. We also are feeling hard pressed to grow in our relationship with the Lord, which is something we have to continually seek as we both find busyness is the biggest wedge in that.

I am still working at the church and hoping to keep that job forever I really love it, I just have to get through the difficult years of balancing work and babies. Sometimes I wish I could pause the job and come back to it after the baby years, but I am not willing to let it go so I will just do a balancing act. I think once we do daycare it will become much easier. Okay, sorry about the babbling.

On a whole different note I was talking to my sister this week who is in a Beth Moore study and through this study she feels that back when we went through the time of Maxson here, she didn't pray enough for God to reveal his purpose or for me to rise up and see the purpose. She said now she sees that we as a family should of spent more time covering the whole situation in prayer and prayer not for just healing or time or peace, but prayer for our eyes to be opened to God's purpose through Max. She also shared she hopes that I keep my heart open that God's plan with that in my life may not be completed, that she hopes I continually pray and seek God's purpose of Max's life. With all that said, I really have it on my heart to adopt from Haiti, I believe whole heatedly that I would not have a desire to adopt without Max. Do I think that's God's purpose in Max's life? No, at least not entirely. It may be part of a work done in me through going through that with Max though. We lost Max and there was/is many reasons I will never know for that, but I know I will seek God's purpose in my life because of it. Alright that doesn't make sense when I read it back or it doesn't convey what I am trying to say. Hmmm...let me try again. God has wonderful things planned for my family but some of those wonderful things are a direct result of losing Maxson. I would not be the person I am today and because of that my journey in this life is altered, I believe it has God's provision written all over it, as long as I seek Him. Amen!! I hope that makes some sense, it's some deep stuff to explain and I don't even know if I did, well that's all for now.

with love,
Trish

Re-design

2011-01-28T19:17:00.003-06:00

So I figure the new look deems a post. It's been up awhile with no mention. I really had a difficult time even changing it but with the expiration of the design template it was looking a bit unkempt. For some reason changing the look was like closing a chapter of my life. It sunk deep for the first time that now is a new chapter...title of this one, hmm. I don't know. Maybe it can be happily ever after or something, jk.

I have never been someone who can't clean house, usually I am at the salvation army twice, three times a year. But man when you lose someone you want to hold on to everything that has any significance to the memory of that loved one. I finally about a month ago went through Max's tubs and narrowed it down to one tub. Finally I was able to throw boxes that gifts for Max came in and I donated the clothes I had purchased for him.

Then the blog. I wanted to keep the title because now with Eli in my life I see even more the "miracle of max" it's just as the tag line says, presently my miracle of Max is in Heaven and Eli is our miracle here.

The day Eli was born my eyes were opened to how amazingly merciful God is/was. Both Max and Eli were c-section babes, what I didn't know when I had Max was how long the whole c-section really is. From the moment they took Max out of me until the moment he was in my arms and we were leaving the room seemed like minutes when in reality it was much, much longer. Watching the video last year on Max's 1st birthday I realized the time between getting him to breathe was so long that I can't believe I didn't doubt that Max would breath. Anyway, what I am saying is God's grace was with me. He allowed time to bend when and where it should the day Max was born. Another great gift was Max's eyes, they were wide open right away and they stayed fairly open up until his last breath. I never saw Eli's eyes the first day, I barely saw them the second day. I contribute this fact fully to God's grace. The day Max was born I was up the entire day with the energy to do so. I was able to truly treasure my time with him he spirit left me only hours after his birth but I kept his physical body with me until the evening to just try to take in and treasure. The day Eli was born I couldn't keep my eyes open at some point after his birth I fell asleep. Just another way prayers were answered.

So the miracle there is a beautiful, fully healed baby boy, Maxson who I trust will have open arms for his mommy some day. And the miracle here is this beautiful gift that I have the perpetual blessing to watch grow. I will be able to share all the love I have with Eli for his brother Max. I will be able to have my family restored someday! I will be able kiss Max's cheeks all the time, just like I kiss his brothers. That was my inspiration to this simple design.

To wrap this up now. First, this makes 2 posts in one month not bad. Two, guess who is four months and just a great storyteller. Giggles, sits, and who I believe will never have an interest in rolling. He just wants to crawl.

Resolutions!!

2011-01-06T19:51:00.004-06:00

Well ready or not a new year begins! We spent the new year finishing up Christmases, anymore it seems everyone has a few Christmas celebrations. In my heart though I was focusing on all the new things and 'resolutions' I wanted to implement into my life including writing more! At least once a week, if not even more, I think of something I want to write about, whether or not it's interesting enough to read about I don't know. But if I put something on myself like I have to write once a week or something I know I will fail miserably so I will just say this: I will write more! That's it -MORE.

Rewind, because it has been awhile and I have a sleeping baby right now:)

Eli~ he has been such a blessing to us, one that I am daily thanking God for. While I believe I had that baby in the 20% category for colic, he matched all of the criteria, crying for 3 or more hrs 5 days a wk or more -check. He is on the up swing though
-I can only pray:) Given that, Eli still is mighty generous with his smiles, and I can see a sweet lil boy over that temper of his.

We started off Eli's days here with us with a lil scare, his dr. diagnosed him with a dual ear infection and warned us to the extreme, which left me leaving the docs office in tears. She said to watch him closely and if he wasn't acting himself to bring him to the ER just in case the infection went to his blood or his brain...yeah, not cool. Not acting himself, he was but 2 wks old we didn't know who the normal Eli was, we were freaked out and of course we know that dr. warnings come true...it felt just like leaving doctor T's office after her telling me my ultra sound wasn't normal and going through the list of what it could be...and sending me out the door with no official answers. Anyway we made it through that time, and we did have a little happier baby, we still had a baby that would let us hear how healthy his lungs were 3 or more hours a day. Usually he cried (cries) in the evening and usually with bouts of blood curdling screams... ahhh, now those nights are few, still happen but few -thank you Jesus! Many nights I spent telling God how grateful I was in the midst of taking my 15 minute turn attempting to soothe lil man.

Eli is now 3 months and counting and he is always amazing me that he is ours and he is growing at lightening speed. I have always been on the smaller side, so given that I figured I would have a smaller baby, but Eli entered this world surprising everyone in my family at 8lbs 4oz and continues to grow off the charts!! Newborn clothes only the fist week, 0-3 month clothes only the first month, and now he comfortably wears 6 month clothes. I am a little sad about this. He needs to slow down. For the sake of my back and bouncing him, he needs to slow down.

He loves his baths, he loves bouncing and he loves to hold his hands in a prayer like manner. He is still breast feeding even though he has a mom who is so back forth with loving and hating it she seems a crazy!! To soothe Eli he requires a blanket touching his face and his body pressed flat against mine. He likes to hear his dad hum and I like to think he likes to watch me dance:) He has chubby cheeks that feel so good on the lips and little baby fat rolls like a 6 month old. He is most happy in someone's arms and takes a lot of time to take in his surroundings. He is not a fan of the car seat, but a lover of the car in motion. Before he cries he usually gives us a warning, sticking out his bottom lip and keeping it there for a few seconds, this face melts my heart and believe I may cave into his wants for the rest of his life if he keeps that face. He is starting to notice new faces, being that new. He is also starting to want to roll, just no coordination to do so. He sits, smiles, stands with help, and laughs I mean attempts to laugh. Elijah just steals our heart daily and it hits home on a daily basis what we are missing out on with Maxson, that hurts. Christmas a new year, all of these firsts for Eli make the place in my heart for Max just ache for him. Sure there is joy... but it's just there, that part of my heart.

Did I mention I have a thumb sucker. I walked away just a moment ago to soothe Eli and he didn't want the nuk he wanted his thumb. Harder to break but at least I can stop the search for the mysterious disappearing nuk. I will leave you evidence of all that I explained. And like I said I will write more!

Thumb Sucker!!

Praying Hands!

Smiles!

The Big Lip!

Happy 2nd Birthday Maxson!

2010-12-05T16:58:00.002-06:00

Not easier. I have wanted to post before this day so I could share in all the ways Eli has brought so much joy back into our lives but today will probably not be the day I feel like sharing that. I am sad.

A two year old that fact alone just hurts. Many times since Eli has been born I have had teary eyed moments longing or feeling guilty about not sharing in the same experiences with Max. My boy Max still has his own unique part of my heart that longs wants and desires Max. But that is why I will hold tight to the day when I know I will be reunited with my baby and be able to celebrate his birth and homecoming with him.

Well two years Max... you have not spent a day apart from us with us not feeling your absence. You often on occasion bring a smile to my face and tears because of the enormous love I feel for you. Your brother I believe resembles you so much granted he is a lil heavy weight. I know he will be so proud to talk about you someday. We are proud to call you are son and Eli will be happy to call you his brother. This time of the year your stalking goes up your ornament goes on the tree and we remember a part of our life that still is very much alive in our hearts. I love you and my prayer today is even though life and death here separate us I hope you feel the love my heart sends your way. love you, mom and dad

Elijah Mathias

2010-10-03T17:11:00.003-05:00

He is here!!

September 30 at 7:41am Max's little bro entered the world with a loud, healthy set of lungs wail -one of the best most moving sounds I have ever heard.

We are so excited and in love with him, my heart feels like it wants to burst. He is doing wonderful at eating, sleeping, and all the other stuff he's supposed to be doing at day 4. I am going to share a few pics with you and plan on posting some more later this week when we let some professionals take over and get some pics. I also have so much to share on that day and how Max's life was so remembered and God's grace then and now was revealed to us. It was such an amazing experience, all of it!

So for now introducing Elijah Mathias Hagen... he entered weighing 8lbs 4ozs and 21 inches long.

Ticking Down part 2

2010-09-22T22:43:00.004-05:00

My dinner was deciding to come back up tonight, nothing new but I just decided to get up rather than throw up. It was a pretty easy choice. The idea of no heart burn soon is so awesome. So I floated the internet and decided to blog because now we are on the real countdown. Friday, October 1 at noon Eli will be here via c-section or he may arrive on his own in the next week. We are so so so so excited to see, kiss, hold him. Tomorrow is my last day of work for awhile and with my house almost in order we are just waiting. Eli is still kicking away, he does steal the most active baby from his brother.

We finished his nursery thanks to Dustin and my dad. We started back in July tearing down wall paper. And I have had some back breaking days involved in the nursery too, not in comparison to the guys but hey pretty good for a pregnant girl. Anyway, I had stored away some of Max's things that I decided to bring out and share with his brother. That is saying a lot, I can remember a time when I cried my way through packing it all up into tubs vowing no other child will touch this stuff. So I think I have come a ways. Not to say I didn't well up going through the tubs. Maxson still holds a piece of my heart physically and although it hurts I treasure the weight of my love for him. So now Eli will share the blanket I made for Max and the bunny I played for Maxson so many nights. And I feel so good about it. Eli will love and look forward to meeting his big brother, I just know it.

So we have about a week and I am sure ready. Dust and I have been talking about how crazy that in the next week we won't run the show anymore. Six years now we are both more than okay with letting the reigns go. Dustin is going to be great dad, one of the best. And while I know we will mess up our fare share I think we will do okay. Elijah is going to be in for some passionate parents some that will hopefully raise him with a perfect mixture of yeses and nos, kisses and firm holds, teaching and let living. We will give it our all Eli, thats all I can say. And please don't fault us to much for our mistakes I'm sure we'll make, there is no manual coming with you!!

Now I may try laying down again my food might be digested enough to lay at a 45 degree angle. I will leave you with Elijah's Nursery. I can't wait to introduce him to you.

Ticking Down

2010-08-22T23:03:00.002-05:00

It's a funny thing, when I was pregnant with Maxson around this time I was content. I don't remember getting to the end of the day and wanting the day of his birth to come. I truly lived in the moment and cherished it. I wish that would have been a forever implanted skill/lesson. But no. I dream of the day of Eli's birth and all the moments to come, and at certain small moments, when he is kicking just so I live in the now, ever so content just not ever so often.

The whole idea of leaving the hospital with a baby has through out this pregnancy seemed surreal. This weekend we finished Eli's baby's room, well almost. And honestly I can say that the thought of him sleeping in this nursery is surreal. All of these unbelievable experiences to come, God willing, seem so far fetched to me, not that I am fearful, I am just so in awe of what a blessing it will be. Truly Max was such an amazing blessing but on that road was so much pain and the planning wasn't for a baby's room it was for a funeral and the possible use of hospice. This is just so different and I think because Max was the first born and that's the only way we've done it... ahh I am getting lost here for words, I just pinch myself... a lot.

With the clock ticking down now...oh so slowly (remember I am not doing a great job of living in the moment) the dday for Eli is October 4th by c-section, unless he decides to come early then I will try a vbac. So seven weeks to go, in just one of the hottest summers ever! But hey, physically I can't complain, I have the heartburn under control and I still don't have cankles (spelling?) anyway, overall we are doing great. No I up that, we are doing wonderful, Dustin and I can't wait for the summer to go and to be holding Eli. I really think the title to this post maybe should wait till 3 weeks out. That sounds like a better number to start counting down from than 7 weeks out. Well whatever, 7 weeks and counting. I will have to share some baby room pics later it is way past my bedtime.

with love,
Trish

Happy Independence Day!!

2010-07-02T16:33:00.003-05:00

Just wanted to put a note out there to all, wishing everyone a happy 4th. Dust and I are doing well. Actually we are doing great. We are almost done with laying a new driveway about the size of a basketball court, scary! And Eli is growing and kicking and we are so anticipating his arrival, tentative c-section date Oct 4 or 5th.

I can't tell you how blessed I feel to feel him kick and to just appreciate the thoughts of his life being part of ours. So amazing. There has been moments of bitter sweetness, randomly his kicks bring on longing for Max. And there has been times when all the different memories come back good and bad that just make me feel pure longing for him. But all in all I feel so joyful. And Maxson is brought up so often now. It feels good. I feel bad for the random stranger that asks when I am due?... is this my first?... oh how old is our first?...well, I can't lie about him. I can now guarantee that when a stranger opens there mouth and asks when I am due the path the conversation will take. Then I always end up saying no, no need to be sorry, I'm okay and ending with a big smile. I don't even feel awkward anymore responding he has passed. Which is all good and healthy to be in that place. I love being able to talk about Eli's big brother and think about Max having a brother.

I will leave you with a couple pics. Again Happy 4th!

Love of Jesus's Girls Home

2010-06-07T17:27:00.003-05:00

I realized in my last post I didn't update the stats of the Haitian girls, Jesumine and Marie France. We did find out a while ago that we will not be taking them in. Unfortunately our government was the stopper not the Haitian government, funny huh? Apparently our country doesn't want to open the floodgates of Haitian orphans...cause this would be something we never do...???? I don't get it, we were trying for a Humanitarian Visa which is what many other countries have had no problem using in times of war or crisis. Anyway, I prayed for God's will and I trust this is His will. There was a few fears I had for the girls if they came to the US, now I want them to have a safe home built as soon as possible. From here out Haiti and especially Jesumine and Marie will have our attention. I will be going there when I can and we plan to try and help from a distance too. So I will leave with letter from Connie, an amazing woman who is part of an organization completely dedicated to helping the Haitian orphans.

If you can only give $10 that's awesome, it all adds up and with the help of many the home can be built very soon!!

with love,
trish

Dear Friends, Family and Sponsors of Haiti Love & Faith,

Many times you receive letters telling stories of children in foreign countries and their hardships. I am not going to tell you a story today. I am only giving you the cold hard facts about the girls at the Love of Jesus Girls home in Haiti.

We have been working very hard on getting our girls out of Haiti and into the US. So far we have been unsuccessful but are still trying. Because our efforts have failed, we are in desperate need of building a home for our girls at the Love of Jesus Girls’ Home. They have been living in tents and shipping containers since the earthquake on January 12, 2010. Up until this time it has not been comfortable for them but they have been able to continue living safely in these conditions. This is no longer the case. Because of the 24,000 people living outside the girls home and the lack of sanitation and the start of the rainy season our girls are beginning to contract diseases. Some of these diseases are malaria, hepatitis, yellow fever and others. If we do not come up with funds to build their home I am afraid our girls will begin dying.

Samaritan Purse has built 10 temporary shelters on our compound. By no means are these shelters suitable for the girls to live in for an extended period of time. They basically get them up off the ground and a roof over their head. The girls are still using the restrooms and the showers at the old home but are terrified of entering the building. They have started separating the sick girls from the healthy girls trying to keep the diseases contained. The older girls are caring for the little ones.

Here is where we need your help. If you sponsor a child please continue sponsoring her. If you could add extra to your sponsorship for medical expenses or to the relief fund we would appreciate that. If you do not sponsor a child please consider sponsoring any of our girls. You can contact me at the address below and I will help you pick out a girl. If by chance we do get our girls to the US we will then rescue more children off the streets of Haiti. At that time we will let you pick a new girl to sponsor.

If you would like to help with the building of our girls’ home there are several ways you can help.

Write a check made payable to Star of Hope and put a note in the memo “helping HL&F”. It can be sent to Star of Hope. P.O. Box 427, Ellinwood, KS 67526
Visit our webpage www.haitiloveandfaith.org select “Donate now to the Haiti Earthquake relief” and complete your information so we can send you a tax deductible receipt. Also in the comment box write “ helping HL&F” and your donation will go toward the rebuilding.
Text: HHH to 85944 to donate $10 towards the girls’ home. The response will say Leep Inc. Don't forget to confirm the donation by following the instructions.
If you have any questions regarding our ministry or our earthquake relief efforts, please do not hesitate to contact me. I would love to talk to you about it.

Walking by faith,

Connie Klein
Chairman
Haiti Love & Faith Ministries, Inc.
281-337-3246
www.haitiloveandfaith.org
Facebook/Haiti Love & Faith
connie.klein@starofhope.us

Oh Brother!

2010-05-21T11:12:00.005-05:00

So last week we ventured to Minnesota where on Friday the 14th we were scheduled to have our level 2 ultra sound (skipped the level one). We lived in the area for seven years so we had family and good friends to see. The day of the ultrasound I was a ball of nerves. It wasn't until 2:15, with of course the mandatory waiting room wait. So about 3 I was lying on the ultrasound lazy boy, I could hear my heart beating, no joke. And it didn't help that Dustin looked like a ghost. But it all started and the first image we saw was our baby opening and closing a hand. This was the first praise. Trisomy 18 babies don't open their hands. One marker to check off the list. The ultrasound continued with one of the best technitians in the world, we wanted to hug her and tell her how much we loved her. Don't worry we kept ourselves controlled. She walked us through everything continually saying that is perfect, or looks just like it should, Dust answering each time with, "that's music to my ears", or "awesome"...anyway you get it, it was one joyful day. Tears and smiles. I will leave some pics below.

God has been so faithful and I don't just mean through this pregnancy. Even in my lowest of low with Maxson or my brief moment in time with my son face to face, He has always stayed true. Not that I can ever brag the same about myself, that is why His grace is enough. Just like I did with Max I pray this life growing inside me glorifies God. Not through religious works, but through a humble yet strong relationship with our Savior Jesus Christ.

Maxson's little bro, Elijah Mathius Hagen!

Absent Again

2010-04-12T15:02:00.002-05:00

So I am obviously horrible at keeping Max's blog up to date. I have been so crazy busy and for quite a while I have had night sickness. Entering my second trimester has relieved much of that though. And yes you read that correctly we are expecting!!!
Very happy, excited, blessed, and most of all God has been so close. The fear that I would have expected and had the last pregnancy is small, most of the time I am so present in the present I have no worry, no fear. And when it has crept in Jesus has made it clear to 'knock it off'.

We did know about the pregnancy before we accepted the girls. We prayed about it and took into consideration the costs and time, we know we have been blessed to give both. Dustin works from home and I can work from home with a majority of my hours, my photography and other work is mainly home based. So we made the choice if God's plan is to bring those girls to the states we will have our hearts and home open to them.

Where is that right now?

Well there is still people working tirelessly to get the girls to the states. So it may still happen, we have faith and pray for God's will. I do think about the other side; what if the girls come here and then have to leave, is it a positive thing for them then? That is why I pray for God's will, I don't know what is best for them. Regardless of what happens I know I will make sure to be a part of Jesumine and Marie's life even if it is from a distance. We have done the paperwork, now it is in God's hands and that's where it's at. So please pray for all the children of Haiti, it is not a country any child would pick to be born, it can be a tragic life and now in the aftermath of the earthquake it will be even worse.

My dear friend Katie is over in Haiti working right now for Star of Hope. She has a blog that has some great stories of the people from Haiti. She has such a heart for the Haitians as she has been there on Mission trips, I think about 5 times before the earthquake. I love reading the stories she shares and also look forward to seeing any pictures she shares.

So back to the news...
We are praying and really enjoying Maxson's lil bro/sis...There have been some moments that have been bittersweet, already. Sometimes just the memories that come back from being pregnant with Max. Sometimes just that I am excited and already loving a baby that isn't Max. In all the joy it is okay to have some sadness it truly makes my heart melt in a different type of way I ever felt before when I was pregnant.

I did have a rough start and after day 90 of being nauseated and throwing up I was trying to focus on how thankful I was to be pregnant...ha ha, it was rough but I am feeling better. All worth it.

Anyway, sorry for my absence I am going to try and write more. Not only do I enjoy writing I enjoy being connected to many of you out there that I think of often and pray for. I will write soon.

with love,
Trish

CHANGES

2010-02-19T12:50:00.003-06:00

I don't even know how to put this out there with out you having to re read it and probably say to yourself 'what', but I am going to try.

I know that my plan for my life is not what God's plans are for my life, so how this came up and how this unfolded to us is completely in His hands. Shortly after the quake in Haiti my heart was bleeding for the orphans and that led me into looking into adoption. Well, that turned out to be pretty much impossible because the stipulations the waiting and the cost was all way over our heads. So I laid it to rest for the future, but with my heart now open to the thought God stepped in. Later that week I got a call from a dear friend that works at a nonprofit Star of Hope who was working with Haitiloveandfaith Girls home, she told me about how they were trying to get the orphans over from Haiti into temporary care with a possibility for adoption. I told her I was interested and she referred Dust and I. That was about a month ago or just over. Now we are filling out paperwork for the girls visas, waiting, and praying to meet Jesumine who is 10 and her sister Marie France who is 7. This is going to be a radical change in the Hagen household, but we feel God leading us and see the beauty of His provision. This is not a for sure deal, it has a high probability and if it happens it will be several months until they are with us. I will continue to do my photography and on another note, I am not serving anymore but am starting at our Church next week as a publications assistant. So to say my time will be stretched is an understatement. Part time at the church, plus 5 weddings booked, plus two girls that need so much love and support, all I can say is please pray for us.

We miss Max all the time but I can honestly say I don't believe my heart would be open to something like this without Max, he still is making a difference here.

Please check out the links above to the orphanage and to Star of Hope, if you are looking for good reputable places to donate to there is two, I have seen so much corruption going on with charities and it makes it scary to give these two have their hearts in the right place.

With all of these changes possibly coming I can't help but to step back and be in awe of our God. Below is pictures of the girls they were taken about a year ago.

Max's Birthday, Christmas, 2010, and more

2010-01-07T13:58:00.003-06:00

First sorry about the Christmas post, yes it was an accident I wasn't trying to sound melodramatic or make you wonder for my sanity, I really started it and had to stop and didn't know I posted. That was until I started receiving some comments and emails, so sorry to have been short on words actually I have been short on time. I just finished designing a catalog for the company I work for and that took me some time, we traveled to MN for Dust's meetings and some friend time, then back MN for Christmas, so not too much time in between there.

Well Christmas came and went with a sigh of relief from me and I'm sure a whole lot of others out there grieving someone. I did put a stocking up for Maxson with his name on it, but other than that he wasn't really mentioned by any family over the holidays. Sounds like that bothers me, huh? But honestly it doesn't, I get it, it sucks to bring it up to know when to say when not to say, just easier to not say anything. Out of word out of mind (yes, I know that's not how it goes)and that works, for everyone but me. Anyhow, that's not what hurts the most, Maxson just not being here does, so I try to keep my pain in check. After all misdirected anger and pain just causes me more grief, just one of the many lessons taken over the past year. Speaking of the past year, really a year? It went by with out me realizing it. Thinking about it now I realize the first quarter of the year was spent in this grief fog, where time doesn't stand for much cause everyday it was just more of the same in just a different way, if that makes any sense. The second quarter I was trying to be me again, up and down roller coaster, who was that girl? Second quarter I was angry, man I was mad for a while. Some days I said "nope God no more let me out of this story, I quit". I had a horrible time being able to be in church without wanting to storm out or get up and tell the pastor a thing or two. Maybe it was delayed hormones I don't know. I came through that quarter with hope... somehow, I do get that the way things work, is above my understanding, as repeated in the Bible!! Sure, okay... hope led me to trying fertility again, second try and bam I was pregnant (bam is so far from the way pregnancy works in my world). Hope led me to miscarry, and thus began the cycle of everything again in a much quicker fashion. Last quarter was a repeat of the first two all jumbled up in one agonizing recap . With all that in 2009 I really want to have finish with some great wisdom from the year, some great new confidence, some wonderful feelings of hope, just something that will allow me to swallow everything a bit easier. So here is what I can reflect on:

ONE: I can sing with anger...umm better I can praise with anger. If you think this is no great feat then you have no idea what being mad at our Creator feels like.

TWO: I want to give to others for reasons I didn't before. I gave in the past but now I want to give for reasons that don't have anything to do with me. It has always felt great to give, sometimes I wonder if that's why I did. Now when I give all I can think about is how to carry someones load in any small way. To make it easier for them is now the key.

THREE: Trust in God. Hm mm I know I said I learned this through Max and I did but if you know me, I tend to have to learn things again and again, I'm not stupid just stubborn. His plan has been a hard pill to swallow the past four years, my life resembles nothing of how I would have painted this picture. But that is the point I AM NOT PAINTING THIS PICTURE! That is when trust becomes much easier to feel, His Plan feels a whole lot better to trust Him.

FOUR: God does not hate me. Well the evidence may be to contrary in this I believe; "Jesus loves me this I know"! How I got here...that road was too long to tell.

FIVE: God has truly given me some wonderful blessings. An amazing husband and at times the grace to see that he is, a warm home, food; usually whatever I feel in the mood to eat, a country where I can talk someones ear off about Jesus and not be arrested (I did not do that at my work Christmas party, wink, wink), a family who loves God and is not broken, friends and more friends, a dog who I love more every year. a son who I do get to meet again one day and that will be for, FOREVER, work that I love and some that I don't (the don't usually makes more money at the time), the desire to carry another child, with everything that I have come through sometimes I think I am insane to want to keep going, without the desire to raise a child I wouldn't be forging ahead...medically that is.

SIX: Grace. God has really given me so much that now I feel it is easier for me to give grace.

SEVEN: NO understanding. HA ha yes you read that correctly, I don't understand why everything has happened this year and why, and I am OKAY with not understanding. Yes this will be a lesson I have to learn over and over. I have heard a lot of people in the last year try to explain how God works or doesn't work. God is punishing...hmm really I can't swallow our God punishing many fine women I know with losing their children. If this is true I can point out many more who should have lost their children too. And really if God is love, really? That one bugs me.

Another one has been; God is not in this sinful world He doesn't have any control or say, you know freewill?... okay well I have been down to the bottom and when your down there and you make it out, you can NEVER say God is not in control. When you carry a life that is not made to stay here you get it, He has control. When you hand over your baby's physical body to a man you have never met knowing that your baby is now really not here you get it, He is in control. 'It' is just a feeling, I feel at my lowest, but a feeling that tells me I know He is. Alright so with both those very popular theories out, here is mine, coming through 2009 I don't understand. NO UNDERSTANDING as simple as that, we don't know how God works and we can't put His ways in a box and say, "see this is why this happened". Do I think God has taught me through this? sure. Do I think He has not stepped in? Duh. Do I think He has punished me? No. Guided me, directed me, tested me, disciplined me, of course He loves me, but is that why all this hardship has been going on? I don't think so cause really it may have nothing to even do with me.

EIGHT: CONT. from above. All bad that happens to me really is not all about me. I pray Maxson or my journey may place a seed in someone out there. A seed that eventually satisfies someones soul and thus adding another life to heaven. I do believe that is the most important matter here on earth.

NINE: When to pray and how. I am not saying I have learned when to pray and how, well I am a little. I know to get on my knees sometimes, I know sometimes the hardest prayers are the truest. After I miscarried I went into a severe downward spiral, I didn't pray...I couldn't pray I told God I was done praying. I physically felt I was pulling my heart along that is how heavy it felt. I told God I was done. At some point I began praying not in a typical way I am too stubborn for that. More like asking, complaining, yelling at God. Prayers like, "This is what you give when your children ask, you might as well have given me a snake. If you hate me fine hate me I will deal with it. You know my heart you know I love you and everything seems as though you hate me", Those words along with many other negative words were my prayers for a long time. I wasn't even admitting this was prayer cause that was how angry I was. Eventually God gave me Grace and I pulled through this time with the same and may be a bit stronger faith than when I entered. Looking back I realize I have learned how to pray better because 'when' is not in play any longer. I don't have to be in bed or at the table or even in church, I don't necessarily have to be on my knees. I have a prayer life now that is some days close to an all day prayer of being still and of words of both positive and negative.

TEN: It is 2010, I am alive and the grief over losing my son is still here but I laugh, I enjoy moments, I cry, I have hope for 2010, I can say 2009 wasn't with out gain.

with love,
Trish

Oh yeah,

I will post soon on Max's birthday I am just waiting to get the pictures of his cake back from my sister. It was a day that I expected to be pretty painful but wasn't. I cried a little but it wasn't agony like the days leading up to it. So thanks for the prayers and warm wishes on Max's day it all helped. FYI my grandma went to heaven the 4th, Maxson was born and left us the 5th, my sister Stephanie went to heaven the 3rd. December is the time to enter Heaven for our family funny how that has worked. Oh and my grandpa died on Christmas eve, see?

Here comes Christmas

2009-12-21T17:07:00.001-06:00

Happy Birthday Maxson!

2009-12-04T23:42:00.005-06:00

I can't believe it has been a year. I was telling Dustin tonight that days after Max passed I was almost wishing for time to pass to be a year ahead and then thinking the pain would be less. Sadly, that is not the way it is right now. Tonight at 8:30 my grandma joined Maxson in Heaven she couldn't wait I guess to spend his homecoming with him. I am happy for my grandma she lived a full life and I know was excited to be reunited with her husband and so many others that went before her. She was a wonderful woman, a woman that I am sure was told well done my good and faithful servant! That is why the only sadness I feel is the absence of her in days to come. There is small part of me that is jealous of her, I mean getting to be with Max tomorrow in all!
Dustin and I plan to finally watch his video in its entirety tomorrow, we plan on eating this beautiful cake we had made for his birthday, and we plan on trying our hardest to remember how great it was through all the pain we feel. Maxson changed our lives, and how badly do I want to just think on what this day was supposed to look like, but I know that is not what I should do. Maxson Linwood lived his few hours in my arms but he also lived many hours right under my heart, and for that I will do my best tomorrow to celebrate cause his life is so so special to us and I know to you.

Now, I thank you for all your responses to my previous post, it really helped to be able to pray for others out there in way that felt so true every night I laid my head down, and also it was comforting to learn about you. I know I have some questions to answer from the post so here we go:
Are you working?
Yes, I am serving...still. I am also working for a SVP multimedia which is very rewarding and helping me to further my career in video and photography. I work anywhere from 15-30 hours a week for SVP and serve 8-15 hours a week. It all keeps me busy and that is a healthy place to be in.

How is the photography coming along?
It is going very well it has helped to have a new and exciting experience in my work and has allowed me to be able to find another creative outlet. svpmultimedia.com if you go there you will find a link to my very basic website at the time.

Last but not least my favorite picture of Maxson...

He was looking at me. Well I know a new born can't see far but the direction of his stare was toward Dust and I.

Again, I have been praying for you out there and thank you again for your prayers. I just want you to know I couldn't have gone through this year without the support of you all.

Maxson,

I hope heaven gives you a homecoming party better than a birthday party here. I hope you can feel my love and know my longing for you. Dustin and I love you and talk about how much we wish we could be there with you. You changed our lives and we only felt like we just grazed your life. We hope to be able to tell your brother or sister about you someday and we look forward to the day when we hold you again.

Love you so so much,
Mommy & Daddy

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

writers block...how about you?

2009-11-17T13:14:00.004-06:00

Still alive, and doing alright.

I have been busy with work and mostly with design which I enjoy doing but it really drains me from being able to think creatively in any other area, for a while anyway. So writing has been on the back burner on here and in my journal. I know Maxson's year is coming and to be honest that is another area that expressing how I have been feeling is difficult. All I can say is there is days that I feel the same pain I did on day number two, plus the times when I see somebody in the mirror or by my actions that is not the girl I used to be. I feel like family and friends probably have been seeing this for a while but my eyes have just been opened to it and it makes me sad. By my thoughts and feelings I have had hard time fighting through sometimes to just find me. So now I want to just turn the tables, please lend me your thoughts and writings in absence of mine.

Please answer any or all of the questions below and if you have a question for me I will do my best to answer.

How has Maxson's life impacted yours?

What are three of the greatest blessings you have ever received?

What is the biggest challenge you have ever been faced with and how did you deal?

Do you believe Jesus Christ is our Savior?

Can you give me any ideas on how to celebrate Maxson's first birthday?

Can you please tell me if you remember what you were doing on December 5, 2008 (The day Maxson was born and shared a brief life here with us)?

Any advice for me in any are of my life?

Can I pray for you in any way?

Alright now, if you wish to remain anonymous that is fine, if you only want to answer or can only think to answer one question that is fine too. I just please ask to refrain from any real offensive language or thoughts. By this I mean don't swear and don't belittle others.

I really want to learn more about you who read, only fair right as you all know enough this way. I also would love to be inspired through your words -as mine is just BLOCKED!

with love,
Trish

Layers of Life

2009-10-16T16:23:00.003-05:00

Thank you all so much for praying for us and for not giving me a mouth full for my negative outlook. I have a much more settled spirit this week and my faith is there.

Now, I am really trying to get to the place where I can be of help to my little sister who found out she was three months pregnant a week before we miscarried. Right now I am trying to get past all of the negative emotions it stirs up inside of me. She will be a single mom and needs the help and support of family but putting aside my own hurt over the deal is something I can not do on my own. I was game to be there when I thought we would be there together but now to put on a face of support when it all seems so not right...is just plain difficult to do. She is a 21 year old girl who is just trying to learn to take care of herself and now she is on a road she didn't want or plan for and then here we are spending 4 years, countless tears, prayers, money, and heartache with still no joy in near sight. It just doesn't fit...I knew "such is life" before but it is so different actually living out "such is life". The layer of this part of my life has been an unexpected journey that I find to be at times down right dark to walk through. So once again I ask for your prayers in this area. I love my sister and don't want her to feel any of the pain it causes inside of me also I want to be able to enjoy this new life without the sting...please pray.

On some brighter note, I am trying to advance my job skills by adding photography to the mix. I will hopefully be making an actual income in the next six months or so. I have put together a cheesy blog to share my photography work , feel free to check it out. We also our still trying to put this ancient house together, which shows its age everywhere. We did finish the bathroom which looks pretty amazing. It is a very good thing to have a handy husband!

10 months and 7 weeks

2009-10-05T22:19:00.002-05:00

I know I have been blogger AWOL for quite some time now. Really it has been quite a road...most of the time I just didn't have the words, other times I couldn't bring myself to post.

I have such a heavy heart. Today is Maxson's 10 month birthday and today I also lost a new life. I went to the doctor this morning to find no heartbeat so I was sent home with some medicine to induce a miscarriage. I know your probably thinking "what, you were pregnant?", yes I was, 7 weeks along I was holding out to give the good news at least until I was 8 weeks. The past months since my post I have went through with two fertility treatments. The second one rendering our hopes! So today is a double dose of pain, I would be lying if I said I was not really struggling with my faith right now. With the loss landing on Max's day and the reality that I feel my fervent, faithful, and hopeful prayers were denied has me spinning in a deep sense of abandonment. I really want to ask for prayers right now, but honestly my bitterness is making that request laced with too much anger and pain. I know I am not immune from heartache, but just the circumstances of it all make it seem like salt on a wound. All in God's timing seems a bit cruel today.

I am so sorry I wanted so bad to bring some joyful news and now I just need to write. I need to ease the weight of this pain. I miss Maxson so much I miss stuff about Max that I never even experienced. I believe the baby I lost today never had a heartbeat, it hurts but for such a different reason. We will try again. I know we will not give up, I am knocked down and my faith is shaken but He will pick me up again...that's all I can hold on to right now.

Dustin

2009-06-25T23:01:00.003-05:00

Maxson Linwood is one very lucky boy, I do hope God instilled this in Max. His Daddy loved him so much and he is and would have been such a great dad.

Dustin has this gift, I call it a gift anyway, his mom had it too...he has a way to almost always put everyone else ahead of himself. A way to take care of my needs, Max's needs, and everyone's needs before his own...hmm....except for food, he will steal the last ice cream sandwich. But he truly loves and shows it through many selfless acts. I just wish Max would have been able to experience this warm blanket of love a lot longer than he did.

So Father's Day was okay. But okay is a good thing, I mean you can't expect much more this first Father's Day without our baby boy. Dustin was strong as usual I did see his eyes gloss over when he read a card my sister sent him.

Speaking of Dust, that is one of the many painful subjects that have plagued my mind over the loss of Max. Why Dustin? Why God, his mom then his son? Why so much sorrow for a man who is so selfless? Why can't Dust enjoy his son HERE?

Alright...

that feels better.

Well I thank God for such a wonderful husband and I pray God will bring joy into Dustin's life.

2009-06-15T14:36:00.003-05:00

It has been my longest stretch without posting and checking the blog world news. So today I have been catching up on this "April Rose" thing and all of the mommas blogs I follow. Really I should be writing some bills out but that can wait.

First, Maxson did have his sixth month without a post from me. All I can say is its been hard and its been good. Really my mind goes something like this: Ahh I miss him, aww this pit in my stomach...oh God please help carry this for me...then there are times like this: why don't I feel that missing part? Where is the ache? Max is my son who is not in my arms, please God let me feel the piece of my heart that Max has. Really, God is the only one Great enough to deal with this manic mindset that I have. One day I felt so low that I googled "extreme depression" then later wrote in my journal to God and woke up the next day dancing on the clouds...to be so up and down never happened to me before Maxson. The reason I haven't had words lately is I can't find the words to sum up these emotions.

Second thing I want to write about is my take on this "April Rose" fraud. It is a horrible thing for her to do, but then it takes someone pretty lost to play on a fictitious story of such a great loss. I know she has said she has lost a child in the past but really she has lost any credibility in my book, so who knows. I do forgive her and I pray God helps her too. When it comes down to it I am a sinner as is this woman, and we both have the hope and faith in forgiveness through Jesus Christ... she deserves forgiveness as do we all. A fallen world, a world where people lie, I just hope that this particular web of falsehood doesn't tarnish the support for other mom's and families that need this outlet. This blog world has been a saving grace to me many times. Please know there are so many of us on here who are opening up a part of our lives that are truly wounded and need your prayers and thoughts. Just please try not to let this hinder you from praying for someone you feel led to do so for.

I have a doctors appointment this week. I was going into this fertility thing again with a plan not to share it with those close to me. Lately the anxiety of it all has been heavy on my mind. I can't do it alone I need you to storm Heaven for Dust and I. We need the support of our family and friends. And while I may not be sharing every detailed event in this journey with our family and friends as I did last time I will share we are on the road again. Please ask God to supply us with the strength to handle what may be ahead, please seek a miracle in your prayers for us.

with love,
Max's momma

The Mother at Heart

2009-05-20T21:35:00.002-05:00

I do realize when my co-workers, strangers, and even some friends look at me they don't see a Mom. To be honest when I look in the mirror or finish a day out I don't feel like a mom. Nothing in my day usually reflects being a mom. To count how many times I have longed to be drug out of bed with a crying baby or to leave a store unfinished to save others ears from my crying baby or to not be out at a peaceful dinner. To those with kids this may sound odd, to long for the not so joyful times of motherhood, to want it all... the good the bad and the ugly! But coming through to where I'm at now... what I wouldn't give to be up all night with my crying baby boy. So, I don't appear to be a mom I don't have any of the usual tells, besides the unkept hair at times, but what I do have is the Mother's heart which now knows the love of her child, and now longs for everything Max would have given, the disgusting diapers and all.

With all that being said, this past Mother's Day I actually felt like a Mom. In part to many friends and family that acknowledged me as so and in part to prayers. I was really expecting a dreadful day. Dust and I took off to my hometown and surprised my mom, we cleaned her house and spent the day honoring her and in turn I felt pretty peaceful and my soul didn't ache as much as I was expecting. We even visited Maxson's grave for the second time, which though sad held much more peace than the first time.

I love and am immensely grateful for all your sweet comments. Some have come when I needed the words most. Thanks for the prayers on Mother's Day and the continued support. I know this blog may be viewed by other mom's who have lost or know that loss lies ahead of them, and my hope is along with my posts and your comments we may bring comfort or hope to a Momma in pain. I know I sound like a broken record but the choice we made to carry Max's life out is one I would never ever take back. And I so remember the initial days after we were told about Maxson's condition and all the many emotions that plagued my vision. Then I couldn't have dreamed what joy, comfort, love, encouragement, peace, memories, and friendships would lie ahead of me. Sure more than my taking of grief, pain, sorrow, anger and loneliness have been felt too, it's just back in August I didn't see any good in the days ahead of me all I saw was the pain. So please pray for the other Mother's hearts out there tonight who ache at knowing the coming loss of their child or who are grieving the loss now.

with love,
Trish

Remembering

2009-05-08T11:06:00.002-05:00

I have been for quite some time, planning on looking back on Max's birthday and writing out the day and days after. One, I know it will be healing, two I want you all to be able to know what went on that day, and three for my son's day to be remembered in writing. I do have a lot of the day on video and plan to edit something together sometime but I want to wait until I am ready to watch the video in whole, which I haven't had the courage to do so thus far. I will at some point. But for now I want to share with you in words.

December 5, 2008

Dust and I were to the hospital around 5:30 on the 5th. The rest of my family and friends joined us around 6 am. Everything that morning felt surreal. We were blessed to have a nurse that was incredibly real, and with us through the day and into the night. It was the first time she ever took part in a delivery such as ours, the grace and strength she gave to everyone was beyond what anyone expected. I for one didn't understand the importance of her job that day. Now, knowing what was before her that day leaves me with a new respect for what nurses do and are capable of giving.

She arrived along with a few other doctors at least I think they were doctors. They all introduced themselves and gave me an idea of what to expect in the operating room. It was really like a dream leading up to Max's arrival. My doctor prayed with us, I felt secure in her care. Another nurse offered to video and our photographers were there ready to snap pictures. For anyone who has been through a c-section I'm sure you know the crazy ER experience of the operating room. My family and friends prayed and waited together in the waiting room. After they prepared me, with a catheter in all, Dust was able to come in and be by my side. From when my Dr. started the incision to when I had a glimpse of Max over the curtain felt like seconds and it was only minutes. My c-section was scheduled at 7:30 am and Max was lifted over the curtain at 7:33 am.

Love at first sight doesn't do justice to the way my heart soared looking at his face. I went to some place... Jesus I believe carried me from that moment on. The part of the video I have seen was when they were trying to get Max to breath. This felt like seconds to me again, but in reality was much longer. They worked on him for some time and I just was able to have peace and watch his sweet face for what I thought was seconds. I do remember wanting desperately to switch spots with him, to not have to watch him struggle to breath. But God took time away which now thinking back if I would've felt time I don't know if I could have made it through and kept my composure. Composure was so important that day, if I would have lost it the memories would have been tarnished to just pain, there was so much more there that day than just pain.

Then he was in my arms. Dust and I enjoyed Maxson and were able to feel such true joy as this little life graced us with his time.

It was time for us to be moved to a special room that allowed all of my family and friends to meet Maxson. I was moved out of the operating room with Maxson in my arms and alive. At this point if my memory serves me right Max started this cooing sound that while it sounded cute and promising my nurse informed us it was the sound of him becoming tired. The doctor told me Max would become tired and that no amount of time could be given but that it wasn't long. This is another moment I felt a powerful strength given to me. I didn't break down I just enjoyed his presence. I let my family hold him real quick and back on my chest he went. My pastor was there and we dedicated Max to the Lord. And I just felt in awe of his life, watching and feeling him with me can't be put into words to express the amazement and love it carried. My nurse informed us he was becoming tired. At some point I turned Max to face me. He looked into my eyes I felt for a moment he knew I was his mamma and then a absent glaze came over his eyes. His heart came to a stop shortly after this 10:44 am.

Immediately after his heart stopped a time of pure agony came on but was short lived, I again felt some strength come (your prayers were there, and I felt all of them). We gave Max a bath and took some pictures with him. Then we enjoyed him just being in our arms even though it was just physical.

I have some great friends and my friends have some great men in their lives. One of my friend's husband is so real and honest, and I deeply respect him for his honesty, he told me later that when he came to visit he thought it was weird that we were all happily hanging out with a baby who had passed. But when he entered the room and had the chance to hold Max his view changed. He thought it was the most beautiful real experience he has ever had the chance to share. I wanted to share this thought because I understand that it may seem weird to have joy and peace holding a child that has gone to be with Jesus. But it wasn't. I held and shared Max with family and friends until 9 that night.

I was moved to a private room in the OB some time during the day. This is the room I would spend the next few days. Some of my friends did my makeup and hair so we could have a few more pictures with Maxson as a family. My girlfriends that day were able to experience everything with us and I am so grateful they did. Not only cause it made Max's life so real to them, it helped me and helps me to know that they just know.

My family was there all day the love and support they provided really carried me through. Dust was so strong and I could see the love he had for his son all over his face. A proud papa! Being able to see my Dad and Mom enjoy their grandson's life are memories I have that I wouldn't trade for any amount of money. I spent a lot of the day pulling Max to my face and kissing his little head. Best kiss ever! I only lost it completely when the funeral home came and took him away. My family was there to help me through this part. They did offer me the chance to keep Max till morning something we decided not to do, some days I regret this other days I feel peace about our choice.

December 6, 2008

When awoke the next day is when it fully hit me. I felt like I woke up with my legs amputated. I felt ripped in two not from the physical pain of the c-section but from my baby not being where he was supposed to, in my arms or beneath my heart. Ahh, this was the hardest part of the whole journey the time when I can say the pain about did me in. Dust didn't know what to do with me, he called my parents and my whole family came in to console me. Later that day a close friend came and laid with me in my bed all day. I drifted in and out . Not only did Dustin lose his son but he had to watch me go through such a difficult time this thought alone can bring tears to my eyes.

The next few days were really hard for us. Nights especially, I would wake up and Dust would be sleeping and the reality would hit me again and again. One night there was a nurse I don't remember her name or know if I would recognize her face, she said she was called in and never really works in OB, anyway she held me while I cried and shared her own loss of two children with me. A Godsend? I believe so but I don't believe in coincidences being that, I believe in a higher power working in a higher way, some call it miracles. She was there that night to help me maybe like no else could.

Dustin slept in a chair next to my bed every night, poor guy. My sister Shelly stayed late visiting with us a couple of the nights, which says a lot because of her busy life. Prayers were pleaded and loads of support were offered. I know I have stated this before but having and losing Max was such a humbling experience.

My hope in writing this out is I may heal a bit more today, and that you may become even more a part of that day! I know this post is filled with lots of tears and pain, I pray you are also able to see the joy and the very real, beautiful story God wrote through Max's life.

with love,
Trish

5 5 5

2009-05-05T20:26:00.006-05:00

Today is the fifth month since Maxson was born and went to be in heaven, it is also the 5th month of the year, and it is the 5th, hence the title.

I miss Max today... more than other days, I don't think so. My arms and heart feel so heavy when I think about his sweet face. I have been trying to think on the fact that if Max was here today he would be struggling with health problems in some way. I can't tell you this eases the fact he's not in my life but it does give some sort of peace that he is healed and not in pain.

I want my son to know I feel so privileged to have carried his life, to have kissed his face, to have looked into his eyes. Dust and I want to share the love we have for him with little brothers and sisters. We want to find a way to keep spreading the love he has brought into this world. We want his face to be etched into our memory along with the feeling of his skin. We want others, who may have to walk this road,to know that choosing to carry Maxson was a decision we would never take back. Not just because of our morals, the memories and all the moments we had the chance to experience with our son make the choice we made beyond worth it.

If you are reading this and recently had a grim prenatal diagnosis, please know you can contact us with any questions you may have. Know you are not alone and that the feelings of not being able to continue are normal and just part of the emotional journey you are on.

For everyone who has prayed, read, and thought about us I can't thank you enough. God had a bigger picture for Maxson's life than I would have ever imagined, after receiving the news he wouldn't be a child we would keep here I struggled with wanting my son's life to have purpose. You all have fulfilled that desire, I love hearing how Max's life has impacted others. The comments on this blog by people that are touched or changed by Maxson's life greatly encourage us in our sorrow. So, thank you thank you thank you! We love you all!

Max's mommy

Catching Up

2009-04-23T15:05:00.006-05:00

It has been awhile since I have posted. Many times I have tried but my mind has been so scattered and life has been so busy, a lot of time I just have anxiety of how I am going to get everything done that I need to (anxiety is something new for me, yuk).

First, I am working with that production company I wrote about earlier. They are the nicest people and I am really excited for the chance to do what I went to school for. So thank you for your prayers not only am I working with a couple who are willing to give me work they are also willing to mentor me, that I may improve on my skill. Serving is still alive and I am a bit over scheduled but hopefully I can figure out on how to balance the two without getting stressed.

Easter was really hard. Just like Christmas when the day was over a weight was lifted. I don't know the reason for this. I don't understand why the pain was so raw that day. Just more I don't knows, I don't understands I have to find a place of peace with. Some days I really battle with the reason I am not holding Max and the fact I have to live with this maybe until I'm over a hundred -ahhh. I have to learn this new normal and keep joy and hope in living this life without a piece of my heart. I can't remember where I read this but the author said losing a loved one is like losing a limb. You have to learn to live without that limb, you can't live the way you did before, you have to accept and learn to live a life different than it would have been. So I will continue to learn, to accept that my life is going to have to find a new normal...and I am. God is here, HE hasn't given up on me. I know He has a lot of work to do in me. Only God knows His plans for me and I am trying to trust Him.

Last weekend I visited Maxson's grave for the first time since we laid him to rest. Keep in mind I am from ND and it was my first chance to see his grave because of the massive amount of snow we've had. And I moved away. But we went back, if you couldn't tell I have felt guilt for not visiting his grave earlier but rationally I know he isn't there anyway.

Anyway, it hurt. Ahh, I hated the idea of having to visit Max's grave, this is a loaded statement and I don't mean that I don't want to it just sucks! I cried real ugly and left with missing him more than when I arrived. It was the first visit so I'm sure it will become a place where there is more than just deep moans and longings. I really can't imagine if I didn't have my faith. If I thought that grave was it. Wow, the emptiness of that.

Dust and I have talked and God willing we want to start fertility at the end of the summer or maybe sooner. I still have just as deep of a desire to Mother and I want Maxson to have a brother or sister or maybe even a bunch. Is this scary? More than I could put in words. Not only the pregnancy and birth the fact of any of my future children dying before me is what scares me. That's the trusting God part I'm working on. I don't know if I've shared but fertility issues go both ways for Dust and me. We both have factors that make it difficult and a complete miracle if it were to happen naturally. But knowing that still doesn't count out that hope I have every month. Then the curse comes and I deal and I anticipate next month. It just takes once for God to work a great miracle and my faith that He could is no less now than a year and some months ago. But we both believe God created us and therefore the science we have been able to cultivate, we will try fertility again. After all He knits the life together!

I will stay in touch. I send my love to those of you reading.

Max's momma

Love Remains

2009-04-05T22:09:00.004-05:00

Four months

Today has been hard. Hard in that I can't quite think on Max too long without feeling that I am going to break down and I just don't want to. I have cried more in the last 8 months than I have in my entire life. I'm not a girl who cries pretty. My face turns red, my eyes swell, heck my whole my face swells. I can let a few tears escape but if I give in to the cry I will then deal with aftermath. I'm tired of dealing with aftermath. In all sorts. So, yes today many tears have escaped but I'm keeping the cry in today.

I have searched a bit deeper today about my love for Maxson. And this is where my thoughts led me: Here out I have this love. No one can take it away or steal it. Well, it can't be seen or noticed by others it is here forever. It physically holds me and it will always be one of my most valuable possessions. Even though love is not tangible I feel like I can embrace it, hold it, that is how powerful the love I feel for Max is.

So, I don't have my son here to hold, to raise, to nurture, to kiss, to see grow, to laugh with, and this list could go on and on. But now I have the love, the love remains.

What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love becomes a part of us.

Helen Keller

Happy four months in Heaven Maxson.

2009-03-28T23:47:00.003-05:00

Usually I start with a topic, a subject of importance to share or a thought I need to search on, tonight I have scattered happenings and thoughts I feel to share. So needless to say no title.

First, a little personal happenings...

Today at work I had the trial of serving a baby shower at the restrauant I work at. The people I work with don't know about my journey with Max, well they do if they have asked if I have children. But they don't. They don't know the amazing, joyful, sorrow-filled, loving part. Of course then, they asked me to take the banquet, the baby shower. To say this was an easy job would be a HUGE understatement. Baby gifts, a new born, another pregnant attendee, and a room full of mom's celebrating the happy joy of a new mom was enough to put me at a place where... I fought tears, I fought angry bitter thoughts, I fought screaming do you know what I am going through right now to every mom there, including my co-workers. I held it together at least enough for show. I teared up many times and sucked it back to the best of my ability. Serving these ladies and listening to all the happy stories of a newborn and all the sharing of the joy, it was hard. But I made it. Right now I still feel the break down at the back of my throat.

Second, I haven't previously shared about much personal stuff other than Maxson and my journey through grief of course. But I want to share that Dust and I bought a home in foreclosure some time ago. It is a very old home and we have been spending much of any free time renovating this home. Tearing out walls, re-doing hardwoods, tearing wallpaper, painting, and tonight painting trim and repainting a wall color I detested.

We were not even looking for a home, my parents were actually. But we stumbled across this home and wanted to take a peek at it. It was love at first sight, the work pit that it is, had us at first visit. We put in a bid lower than we thought would be expected, and BAM we got it. I guess we were the only crazy ones to put in the work it needs. We prayed about the home and I really felt it was a God send. The home has released so much feelings, every little scrap of wall paper I tore off let out some built up emotion. Plus, it has kept us extremely busy. We have had family stay and to have our own home again to share is pretty cool, we did live with my parents for Max's whole time in my tummy and some after he left this world. God knew we needed this.

Lastly, one of my dear blog mom friends Kristy, mom of Isaac and Asher, has been given wonderful news that the baby girl she carries now is healthy, after a scare that there may be something wrong. I feel so much joy tonight knowing she can rest easy and truly enjoy the remainder of her pregnancy. On the flip side to this please continue to pray for Stellan's mom and baby Stellan as his heart fights to find the norm. He has one strong momma fighting for him, right now though she needs prayer as she is growing weary.

Now you can figure why there is no subject to tie these scattered words. I thank you for your great prayers, I know they have helped us SO much. Right now I am eternally thankful to a God who has given me a wonderful husband, a great family, a good list of real friends, a home, a job, and a baby boy that I can't go too many moments without loving on his memory.

Just one more tidbit on the job thing, I have an interview to do some freelance work with a production company please pray that it works out. I don't know if I have shared previously but I did pay some heavy dough for a degree in Digital video production. My goal is to edit for this company but I am willing to shoot or help in any way. Serving brings in some nice cash but my desire is to edit video. Please pray. If I do get the work I still plan to serve but I really want some work that I truly enjoy.

Thank you and I send my love to you all.

Trish
Max's momma

Pray for Stellan

2009-03-24T17:21:00.002-05:00

Please pray for sweet baby Stellan. He is in the Children's hospital and needs your prayers as his heart is sick.

Stellan's mom was told he wasn't going to live when she was pregnant with him...but he lived, he was born healthy and now is four months old. Pray for healing for strength, for this family to be carried through this with a happy ending. To learn more about Stellan and his family visit their blog.

News

2009-03-23T16:27:00.002-05:00

We got back late last night. The weekend was extremely busy, but it was great to see and catch up with family and friends. I am now emotionally exhausted but feel greatly blessed by the chance to see everyone.

Maxson's charity raffle was a great success. I believe the total was around 1,400, that's about 6 songs for children! Six children will be positively affected through Max's life. The different items donated touched my heart. Dustin has a great group of people he works with, they really show their more than co-workers!! It was truly one of the nicest things anyone could do to honor Max's life.

I just finished reading a post by a blog mom that has been on the same journey as I have. She has inspired and lifted me up many times in my own pain. Today, her post was so true and her words were helpful to me and I'm sure they will be to you, so I am linking her post for you to read. It will be a great help for those who have a difficult time knowing how to help a friend or family member who has lost a child. http://sgirl79.blogspot.com/2009/03/how-to-help-grieving-friend.html

Please continue to lift Dust and I up in prayer, I am always coveting prayer. The grief we bare wears us down, at times it really affects our relationship, and at times I feel so completely alone and overwhelmed. Bad days and good days, I guess. Thank you and love you all.

Trish

Charity Raffle

2009-03-18T01:16:00.002-05:00

This Friday Dustin's fellow employees are having a luncheon and raffle with all the proceeds going to Songs of Love in Maxson's name. It is such a gift to have everyone be able to come together and give to an organization that has such an amazing mission. As Maxson's mom I feel so good that while Max's time here was short he left such an impression that now cause of his life other children will be lifted up through music.

Dust's company let us choose the charity and we choose "Songs of Love", as we know they are struggling to meet the number of song requests they get from terminally ill children. With the present economy being the way it is they need all the help they can get for one, disease is not slowing down and sick kids need hope! I really believe in what they do and am excited about the chance to give. Please feel free to check out their website on my side bar and if you know of a sick child that may need the encouragement of song just for them please make sure to tell their parents about this organization.

Songs of Love did write a song for Maxson. You can hear it on the player, its the second song. Max didn't get to hear his song. But it brought a lot of comfort to his Dad and me. And I know this organization will bring a lot of hope to other kids facing grim futures.

So yeah! I love that Maxson's name goes on. I hope Max's finger prints are all over many songs that help to give hope to the innocent in affliction.

I will catch you up on how it goes next week. Thanks for your prayers.

with much love,
Trish

I wanted to leave you with this poem I found on another Mom's site.

I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today.
I asked "what makes a Mother?" and I know I heard him say:
"A mother has a baby" this we know is true.
"But God can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?"
"Yes you can," he replied with confidence in his voice
"I give many women babies when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay."
"I just dont understand this God I want my baby here.
"He took a breath and cleared his throat and then I saw a tear
"I wish that I could show you what your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile with other children who say:
"We go to Earth and learn our lessons of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
"I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep on her pillow's where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear
Mommy dont be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.
"So you see my dear sweet one your children are okay
Your babies are here in my home they'll be at heaven's gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother its the feeling in your heart.
Its the love you had so much of right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with me one day and you'll know that youre the best one.

"by Jennifer Wasikin
memory of Zachary Thomas Wasik

12.4.08

2009-03-11T13:29:00.003-05:00

This picture was taken the night before Maxson was born. The hands on my tummy belong to some of my best friends. Some drove many hours and just made it into town that night. We spent a few hours together. When this picture was taken we were all lying on my bed, I was trying to get Max to move or kick for them. They all made the last night of Max's time in my tummy so special.

Kate, Kallie, Sara, Amber, and Cassidy plus my sweet Kaylyn was there in thought (finals for her masters, I'm so proud of you). These girls mean so much to me they have grown up with me, they are some of the classiest, smart, kind-hearted, down-to-earth, beautiful ladies I know. I have been blessed to have such strong, long-lasting friendships. They all were there for Maxson's entrance into this world and his peaceful exit. I wanted them there for two reasons: one, to have even more memories of one of greatest days of my life (I now can hear their memories of that day), and two I love them dearly and wanted them to share in one of my most cherished moments. So thank you girls for being there. I love you.

I wanted to edit a new video of Max's birth and pictures this week but I have been battleing a terrible chest cold and have had an unexpected difficult week. I still haven't seen all of Max's video, I thought I was ready but since Sunday I have hit an emotional curve I didn't see coming. God is obviously a huge part of my life, I try to make him my center. But this week has brought out anger and bitterness that I'm trying to sort through. So as far as the video goes it's on hold until I feel like I felt last week, emotionally and physically. I want to have my heart in good place when I see the rest of Max's Birthday video. And I want to put together a video with a clear mind. Please pray for these feelings of anger to be lifted or that I can find my way through them.

with love,
Trish
Max's mommy

3 months

2009-03-05T21:55:00.002-06:00

Yes, today is Maxson's 3 month birthday in heaven. Yes meaning, it seems like a lifetime ago, and yes meaning, that it feels in no way it could be three months already. Thank you so much for the sweet emails today, it means a lot. And thank you to some wonderful friends that remembered us today too, just you guys thinking of my sweet boy still means a great deal! So grateful for all of you who have shared in this journey with us. Well I would have loved for the story to be a more happy one, I think each one of you have lifted us up when I can't really imagine life without this story, now.

Today, I worked, cleaned, cleaned, laundry, and cleaned. But while I cleaned I played Max's music (blog list) and went through every emotion possible. Good Grief, literally... I obviously cried, joyful tears, sad tears, angry tears, just plain longing for him tears, fearful tears, hopeful tears, and loving tears. All with the bits of amazing feelings Maxson has brought me, I did the up and down of it today.

Of course I also had the ups and downs of thoughts...I should be's, he would haves. The sounds would be different my plans would be different, it can all be just overwhelming. I also thought the ups...thank you God, thank you Father, what a gift you have given me. What a complete blessing Maxson's life was. Complete meaning, by bringing me some of the most real most cherished memories and feelings I may ever experience again. Also, I thought about Max and my reunion. Someday I will hold and kiss and get to know my son. Really its pretty amazing to be able to look forward to it. All because our God was willing to let his son die. I can tell you I would NEVER be WILLING to lose another child. Who would? Can you tell grief is a roller coaster?

So thank you for all your prayers and please continue to pray that God will reveal himself to us during this season of grief and that Maxson's life will continue to Glorify our Father!! Plus, for my aching arms and soul. And all the other moms aching arms and souls too. We are hooking up our scanner this week and I have some new pics to share, plus I am planning on editing a new video honoring Max sometime in the next week or so. I guess tonight I have no pictures to share, soon!!

with love,

Max's momma

Wedding Ring

2009-02-25T21:30:00.003-06:00

Tonight I finally was able to squeeze my wedding ring on! Yes...I was beginning to think I would have to have it stretched. And I was questioning if it was possible for a ring to shrink.

The ring means so much to me, it carries memories that go far beyond its value. The significance of the ring and the memories it carries...well here it is.

Engagement, five years ago. Dust proposed on a dinner train the night was unforgettable, he drove like a maniac, the directions from Map Quest led us in the complete wrong direction. I stood on the train dock crying as the train pulled out, not because we missed the train but I had just been through the scariest car ride of my life, he ran stop lights, it was bad. Ended well though, the train stopped and a nice couple drove us to the middle of no where and we hopped the train, so to speak. Dust proposed after dinner and everyone on the train remembered me as the girl crying on the train platform...then again any woman would cry after a ride like that.

Wedding day; 4 years ago and some months, not really counting. It was a picture perfect August day and the best part was Dust's mom got to be there. I don't think at the time I appreciated her presence at our wedding as much as I do now. When I think of that day, thoughts of her always follow. The first day of our journey together

Maxson's Birthday; 2 months ago almost 3 now, the baby boy I dreamed about came into the world. We had taken some pictures of Maxson holding our rings. Now looking at my ring (on my finger!!) signifies our unity as a family, Dust, me, and Max.

Thank you God for all the blessings you have given us! Max's life has enriched my life and the worth of it goes far beyond any riches, or jewelry for that matter.

Maxson,

I miss you more than I can express and although you only held my wedding ring for a moment you will hold a piece of my heart indefinitely. I will cherish the memory of your time with us and I will rejoice the day I hold you again and kiss your sweet face.

love you,

mom

The Grave

2009-02-15T15:17:00.004-06:00

Today in Church we sang "Mighty to Save" a line in the song says "Jesus conquered the grave" with that line said came the picture of Maxson living with Jesus, his grave not being the end. Then came the thanksgiving in my heart, thank you for our Father, for beating the grave for my son, for us.

One layer that this grief has brought out is my longing for Heaven, also the sadness that right now I don't know what Heaven is like. I don't know what Max is seeing, doing, and who is watching him. Dust finds a solid comfort in the idea his Mom may be taking care of and holding our son, which fits his mom, who was one of those beyond wonderful Grandmas. This at times has given me comfort but there are moments when I yearn to see and know for sure who is watching Max.

To bring this full circle now, the song today gave me full comfort in my Son's place. I felt victorious that Jesus conquered the grave, and that Maxson is in a place more beautiful than my understanding can stretch. Today, the worries of who was watching over Maxson didn't bother me at all, today, I am fully appreciating that my God is mighty to save and because of this my son is reaping the benefits (for lack of better words).

I added the song to my Playlist. The whole song has such powerful words. I also am leaving you with a picture of Max. One of our pictures that I don't think has been shared yet. I think Maxson looks like he was well on his way to being an angel in this pic. The light has a bit more meaning to me as in this pic, Max's gaze was stuck on the light.

2 Months

2009-02-06T09:03:00.005-06:00

Yesterday was the two month milestone. Funny how the meaning of milestone has shifted its meaning. Now a milestone signifies time without Maxson, time that has allowed God to show his never ending supply of grace, mercy, and strength.

Really early yesterday February 5, I woke with that ache in my soul for my son. Tears came and I never did fall back asleep.

The day started out so sad. No one in my family or close friends remembered or acknowledged and its only been two months. Alone I relished in thoughts of Maxson and alone I thought about what I could do to celebrate this day, and if that was even going to be possible. I had a busy day from the start. I am trying to find a serving job. So, that filled my day.

Anyway, last night I listened to Undeniable by Matt Kearney, now whether these are christian lyrics is up to debate. But as far as I'm concerned they were my God send on Max's two month birthday in Heaven.

Keep in mind yesterday was FEBRUARY 5, and I will explain the rest in a sec: Here are some of the lyrics.

UNDENIABLE
February 5th, Friday morning, purple dawn,
Broke a yawn, as I stepped through the fog, like I stepped to a song
A moment like a poem, you wish you could hold it
I shut my eyes like it's frozen, it's gone when I open
It slipped past the clouds right there where it lingered
Like your band and a girl could slip through your fingers
My feet hit the ground like a beat for the lonely
On a path beaten down by the crowds in the morning

If only I could touch past the phony
If only they were there now to hold me
As the questions keep droning

You're the only one who stuck it out last night
The only other one who caught the other line
You're the only one when this world collides
The one that I can't deny

Chorus

It's undeniable how brilliant you are
In an unreliable world you shine like a star
It's unforgettable now that we've come this far
It's unmistakable that you're undeniable

The past couple of months God has brought me through
some very dark waters. He has shown me the only one
I can rely on is HIM! He has made it undeniable that
I can not carry this alone, he has made it undeniable that the realm in which he works is more beautiful than my understanding will stretch.

So yesterday, while it started out as a very sad day it did end
with this song and the amazing peace only HE can provide.

Maxson celebrated two months in Heaven! I celebrated the fact I will
hold him again, and my sadness will not be eternal.

God continues to be the one who catches the other line! And while it
feels wrong to not be seen as a mother in this world, I know I am, I am a mom from here out.

I really wanted to play this song on my blog but the player did not have it. But I really encourage you to listen to it, the words while they do not directly praise our God they clearly do to anyone with a God perspective. Every part of the song spoke to me and with out hearing it like that yesterday, I'm not sure I would've been able to have joy in Max's 2 month birthday.

Alright, thank you for the prayers, I have felt so much peace.

with love,
Trish
Max's mommy!

Time

2009-01-30T18:35:00.003-06:00

"Time heals all" I don't know if this will ever apply to a parent that has lost a child at any age.

Time does help the pain ease. I guess the pain is just filled with more smiles, and the time between the really hard ache in my soul and the sweet peace that fills my heart seems to be longer.

My sister said she couldn't imagine losing a child, my thoughts back to this, I too could never imagine losing another child. Perspective, it's all relative...sadly this is true, well maybe for a good reason.

Time flew by when I was pregnant, by God's grace at the time, now I wish it would have lasted much longer. Time since Maxson was born has creeped by. I don't know how or what can change the perspective of time so much. All I know is when you lose a part of you, you crave heaven SO much more. Maybe this is why time goes so slow, like when I was little and looked forward to a vacation or something fun, the time leading up to it would then go by so much slower.

Time being the essence of my thoughts tonight, I will leave you with a great quote and a truthful verse.

“Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.”
Henry Van Dyke

Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
Psalms 62:8

Memories

2009-01-23T10:51:00.003-06:00

Here I am writing again...I actually have been journaling privately. Writing is incredibly healing and here in the internet world you all add to that healing.

Someone's blog has a quote that I love, the following is paraphrased: life is not measured by days or time its measured by moments. Not exactly the words but I can't remember the exact quote... Anyway, I'm sure if you think back on your life you will see this is so true.

I want to start by a quick re-visit of all my pregnant moments...quickly I promise.

Beginning of April, I was on my fourth fertility cycle (lack of better words), day fourteen. I woke up extremely early, about 5 am. My boobs hurt and I felt cramps coming on...I was sure I was getting my period. This was a difficult battle, the waiting game of trying with a medical team behind you. I would have 14-16 days between each try of waiting to pee on the stick or for my time of the month to arrive, just to start the waiting period all over again. Timing was everything and it was measured by ultra sounds, pills, shots, and i.e. (insemination). Patience grew and I still believe my faith grew in abundance through this time. Even though at the time I thought I was in the lowest valley I would have to go through.

Alright, back to the prego stick. Five in the morning on a beautiful April day, I learned I would be expecting our much prayed for boy, Maxson. I was only 14 days pregnant and I knew! When I first saw the "pregnant" word (digital stick the only way to go), my knees hit the floor. I thanked God and love to revisit the joy that surged my body. Waking Dust up to share such great news will never leave my memory. Calling family at the break of dawn was for sure one of the best tells EVER! I miss that crazy amount of joy that I only believe a child of your own can bring.

Later that day Dust and I went and purchased Max's first hat and mitten set from Target. The hat said "our lil peanut", it was yellow. Cause it was our first purchase for our lil boy, I did place the hat in Max's coffin with him. Really not where I thought I would be putting it at the time.

The rest of the time between 14 days and 19 and 1/2 weeks was spent enjoying all of the pregnancy ups and tiny set backs. Many days spent dreaming of what our baby was going to be like. Time spent thinking on how I was going to try my hardest to be a great mom, and how my body was changing faster than I expected. And lots of praying for my baby. I prayed really hard that Heaven would be our son's eternal destination (this has been answered, too soon!!). Of course I prayed he would be healthy, but really it was not on my mind even a little bit that he wouldn't be. I dreamed, prayed, and waited with joy until week twenty...

For this time in my life you can go to the first few posts on this blog to give you the all those moments. Just a couple of memories that come alive when I think on that time are. Dust telling me the test was positive for trisomy 18, God telling me he would be there. The 11 hour car ride home filled with tears, hopelessness, anger, fear, doubt, song, despair, confusion, and tons of pain. The following days and months I found hope, joy, and peace. I can't explain... I have never before held hope and joy with pain and despair at the same time. And looking back and even now, I do.

See Maxson has more memories than I was giving credit to. I knew I had Max from day 14 and I gave him back holding him at 37 weeks, one day, two hours, and 44 minutes.

with love,
Trish

more memories of Max's time with us to come!

Thank you

2009-01-16T10:52:00.006-06:00

I really want to share with you what has been given to us, not just the love that has been shared by strangers... but the items given in memory of our sweet son, that have been sent to us by some we have never met in person. There love so inspires me and I have such a thankful heart for everything I have received. I can't tell you enough how I am blown away by the love strangers have shown us.

Not strangers anymore. I have many new friends.

Beautiful artwork, an amazing necklace, many wonderful cards, a kit from string of pearls (that allowed me to cast Maxson's hand). A poem and a beautiful engraved ornament, and just tons of thoughtful emails and comments. I thank God for all of you and thank you for your support for us and our strong baby Maxson Linwood.

I am praying now if we should let the blog rest in Max's memory, a part of me feels I've said and shared my boy. And I didn't set out for this blog to be about anything other than God's plan for our son's life and to share the love we had for Max. While I know Maxson lives on, and his love has touched many... It just seems I need to pray that sharing the grief side is what this is about too. If that makes any sense?

I wouldn't trade the pain I feel for not having Maxson. Even now as my soul aches and I long for my baby, I feel incredibly blessed to be here. I love you all.

with love,
Max's mommy

Magdalena Grace Roberts

2009-01-13T12:33:00.002-06:00

Please pray for Noah and Julie today, they had to say goodbye to their beautiful baby girl Magdalena.

I feel so sad they had to, but I know Maxson was in the welcoming crowd for their sweet girl:) Not much to say other than, please ask God to give them peace and comfort today.

Tears,
Max' mommy

A beautiful Love Story

2009-01-08T23:13:00.003-06:00

First post for the new year! I want this post to bring some hope in what is to come this year rather than the doom and gloom that surrounds us!

Dust and I have had a turbulent beginning to 2009, I can't go into really why...but I can say that "when it rains it pours" has never reigned more true. One thing after another and I have been to the bottom and now, I'm on the up swing. Maxson my angel, it brings to mind such comfort, joy, and lots of tears! My soul aches and I'm learning that's okay. By having Maxson in my life, I feel more for those suffering around me more than ever! Maxson's sweet life changed me more than I EVER expected and it continues to. What a blessing Max IS! Although from here out my soul will experience pain I never knew before, I will also have more empathy than I knew was possible. With that I know I will reach out to those around me more. So Maxson lives on, without saying a word of kindness to anyone, he has and will spread love. I know some people don't leave behind such love in a lifetime. God really designed one of the most beautiful "LOVE STORIES" I have ever known by Maxson Linwood's life.

Now to lay out the plan for my next post. I love when all the blogs I follow use pictures, plus I want to tell you all and show you all the wonderful momentous blog readers have given to us. The outreach from women I don't even know has NOT just given me comfort it has inspired me! I want to share that with you. This can only be done with pictures, so I will get to it soon. I really think some of you will be in awe of the love some of the sisters in Christ out there show. Just read the comments and you will understand the amazing love people are willing to give and share with others. I know I am singing to the choir blog friend, but I can't stop thinking about how I want you ALL to know your love has been incredibly moving!

with love,

Trish

Note: some new songs added, go to the bottom of the page if it doesn't automatically play or if you want to play a new song.

Why?

2008-12-29T21:17:00.008-06:00

Since we started this road in August I have been going to God with why. Why us? Why my baby? Why, why, why? This hasn't been answered. This is where the faith has been learned, to have faith in something I cannot understand. And a deal that has mereeling with emotions that have driven me to question God's love for me. To say I haven't wondered if he really loves me would be a big fat lie. I do everyday. I fight the feeling of being abandoned and at times hated by God.

The faith I have, have now, is shaken but not broken. There is not an ounce of me that doesn't believe and love Jesus and have such a faith in God for saving us through Christ. But there are times when "why" just breaks me, actually at least everyday, at some point. It's probably part of the grieving process.

Now before you shut your laptop feeling I am just the most depressing thing ever...Everyday I feel I have had some ordeal happen that tears me apart about the loss we have to learn to live with. Sad, yes and seems unfair. ALSO, everyday something happens that can only be explained as God cares, he's here, this plan is his.

Writing through this right now is my way to find my way through these at times, blinding emotions, after writing some happenings they always seem to become clear. So for what I am going to write now...(deep breath) I will change the name (privacy).
But please know this is my dearest friend and she has been there for me and been a great support. I love her with all my heart. And through all the pain I feel in everything right now I am truly happy for her.

Well, yesterday I found out she is pregnant. Which when I heard hit me out of left field. Not that I didn't know it was possible but the last thing I expected was the emotions it stirred the following day, today. Right off the bat I felt my heart bleed.

Cameron (not a real name) I do feel genuinely happy for you, I know your gonna be a wonderful mom, one others will wish they had!! I just had to cross this bridge at some point. I'm not going to go into the sad emotions it drove up as I'm sure that's semi-understood. Another note, I am going to want to hear about all the moments you have through this pregnancy and I have some great books for you too. I hope this pain I have to go through doesn't bring down any of the joy you feel. Please know I just have to feel this. I haven't called as I hope this kills the awkwardness that would have been our conversation.

Now for the part where God answered the doubts all that came down on me. I opened this book my cousin gave me "Grieving the Child I never knew" and randomly read two parts, it was all I needed to feel comfort today.

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in the mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all THINGS" Ecclesiastes 11:5

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Matthew 10:29-31

with love,

Maxson's mom

Prayers

2008-12-28T17:19:00.003-06:00

Please pray for Nicole, Chad, and now there sweet angel Dylan James. He was
born this morning and went to be with Jesus this afternoon. I know how
amazing yet difficult this day is. Their link is on the Angel list.

My heart breaks for them, its so hard to know they have to be on this road now. Please pray God gives them abundant strength and peace. That Chad has the strength to grieve but yet be strong when Nicole needs to lean on him. And that the rest of today will just be more joyous memories with their sweet baby.

with love,
trish

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T11:43:00.004-06:00

I wanted to write today. I knew I wanted to write today weeks ago. Being that today is Christ's birthday and the original day for Maxson's birthday, I just knew it was fitting to write something.

I would be lying if I said I feel joyous and full of the Christmas spirit. This is the first post where I have no desire to cheer myself up through writing. I want to share my tears with you. If you have followed Max's blog you know I wanted him home today. More than anything I wanted him here, if just for today. The only outfit I bought after finding out about Maxson's future in August was a tiny Christmas outfit. And it kills me today that he didn't get to wear it. I hate that I have to feel this sad on a day that was meant and has always been meant for happiness.

An African Missionary told me a while ago that going through this allows me to empathize with what God went through by sacrificing his son for us. Because God went through this incredible pain, I am able to see and hold my son again. As usually this fact makes me feel better, today the cloud of what could have been just won't pass.

I pray that if I have future Christmas (not guarenteed tomorrow) celebrations I am able to feel the spirit of it all again. I pray that God will bless me with dreams of my sweet Son as I covet this so much right now. I pray that I am able to be a happy wife and daughter again. I pray for all the other moms in the same pain as myself today, my heart just drops thinking of them. I pray for strength for my husband and family. I need them to be strong! I pray that I can through this, actually that Max's life can show all of you how truly blessed we are to have a Saviour and to have the sacrifice God made, the free eternal gift.

Last night on the way to Christmas Eve Service I thought about how shortly after we found out about Maxson we met with the pastor of our church. It was before I started this blog. I told the pastor about this deep desire more like passion burning to share my son's life. I wanted his life to have meaning, for people to know he was here and know his name. I had some hope that Max's story and beautiful life would affect people. Now, I thank God as I do see and get to hear of some of the ways Max's life meant something to others and even made changes in some. So many love him and that means so much, I feel so blessed to feel the love people have for Maxson.

I will close with a thought, if I, being a sinful human wanted my son's life to mean something, for people to know him, and for his life to have a positive impact on others...how much more does God want Jesus's life to mean something to us. I don't just mearly want people to agree Max existed, I want people to love him and to know as much as possible about him. By this I now understand a little better God's deep desire for us to KNOW his son!!

Merry Christmas,

Trish
Max's Mommy

Thank you Maxson

2008-12-19T13:47:00.006-06:00

Today was my plan. To have Maxson today and then to bring him home to spend Christmas with us. I had decided... in my mind sometime after Christmas would be the time Max went to be with Jesus. It was my plan my hope.

Obviously, not so. Not my plan.

I really didn't count fully on everything I had on the plan, but I did put so much of my hope in it. My "hope". My hope has always been on whats going to happen here, in my life. Where we will be in five, ten years. I never truly set my hope on a heavenly home. I never really understood or knew how to not set my hope on this world.

Now I have all my hope on a Savior, on an eternal home after this stop, on more than what this world can give or this stop will bring me. Presently, I don't have a plan...scary, I will admit that seems wrong. But I don't think it is wrong, not that I wont be planning, but my hope will not be set in my plans in my dreams here.

Maxson taught us more about the three most important things (faith, hope, and love) than I could've imagined. When we first found out Max had trisomy 18, dreams crashed and our faith was smashed down and twisted (tested).

Our faith grew beyond what I can express. We learned to lean on God and have faith in his plan not ours. To trust his plan and trust the promises he DID make to all of us. The love we felt and had the privilege to experience was amazing. I have so much love for Max my heart seems to burst with love. Also the love I have for others has grown. Strangers melt my heart and my heart breaks so much easier for those around me. Love has more meaning than I felt before, my faith has a strength I didn't know existed. And now my hope is set on what WILL BE!!!

That's all thanks to this amazing lil boy, who shaped his mom and dad and others for where he would go first!!! I can't tell you enough how much I miss him. Sometimes so much I don't feel I can go on.

I hate that I have to miss him. But I love that I had the experience to know him.

I love you Maxson,
Mom

Tribute video for the life of our son

2008-12-15T18:48:00.002-06:00

Please click on Max's Video below to watch. We played it at his celebration service. Max's song from Songs of Love is the second song.

Max's Video

Max's Celebration Service

2008-12-14T10:14:00.003-06:00

Maxson Linwood Hagen, what a dignified, strong, and purposed name. I may be biased cause I named him, but his name to me means a lot. I always wanted a Max I dreamed of my son Max for years, Linwood is my fathers middle name coming from his grandfather's name. To see his name on all the cards and other mementos from his celebration just meant so much. I loved opening cards with his name spread across the envelope, I am going to miss seeing other people's writing of his name.

His service was beautiful. When I woke up yesterday I was feeling so hurt and sad. I thought the funeral was going to be so difficult, it was going to finalize his passing and that hurt. I planned and wanted it to be a celebration but yesterday morning it didn't feel that it would be for me.

It wasn't though, it was so perfect.

Waking up to an extreme blizzard had me asking God, why? Why God? Are you kidding, I wanted people to be able to come and for them to see God's beauty through Max's beauty. And the storm seemed like a big damper for anyone to turn out. Plus, with 30 below weather the burial was going to be cut short and that saddened me. Anyway, I was once again touched by God's divine plan, not mine. People made it, maybe not as many that would have, but I know there was some that were there because of the weather. Sports were canceled and peoples travel plans were canceled, so there were some people there that would not have attended had the blizzard not been here.

The burial was short but the people that came to stand with us in 30 below weather touched me. I didn't expect anyone besides my immediate family to come because of the bitter cold. But so many came, I felt bad for them as I thought I was going to freeze to death. But it was so touching they did.

I will post a video of his service later this week or link to you tube with it.

I felt so much peace and now I understand the closure that a funeral brings, that a person needs. Not that I have closed this chapter, that may never happen, but I felt a letting go, an ability to say goodbye Max, for awhile. Granted late last night all the pain started coming up again. But all day yesterday I felt so peaceful and I even felt happiness for the first time since Max's birth. Thank you all, because of you, I have been lifted up again and again. God's peace keeps finding me and Jesus is carrying me through...I feel it!! I felt Jesus at Max's celebration and I believe Max was there watching.

Tomorrow, I will also post some pics of Max's celebration service. I do want to leave you with a letter that my husband read at Max's celebration service from the both of us.

Dear Maxson,

You were with us here for about 37 weeks and 1 day, in that short time you made more impact on this world than many make in a lifetime. Not only did your sweet time here on earth touch people around the world, it also changed your mom and I forever. We had a long talk the other night and realized how we will never be the same again. Not just because we will always long for you in our arms and desire heaven more now than ever; but because you taught us more about faith, hope, and love than either of us could have ever known without you.

I can’t believe how strong you are Max, I felt you kick in your mom’s tummy so many times, and then when you entered this world… you fought so hard. You have the heart of a champion son, and your mom’s strong will.

Because of exactly who you are, it humbles me to know I’m your Dad. What an honor Max, we are so proud.

Although we have felt the loss of a lifetime we would not trade the time we had with you for anything. I am confident that we will hold you again, it’s just the time that we have left here, that separates us from you. We look forward to that day Max.

We love you,
Mom and Dad

A thousand words...

2008-12-12T13:09:00.005-06:00

If a picture says a thousand words then this picture speaks volumes... Besides showing the beauty that Maxson possesses, it clearly displays the fight in his eyes and to me there is just so much behind his sweet eyes. I can't find the words... all I know is that he has such a special glimmer in those eyes, I will keep that with me forever. This picture was taken shortly after he was born, they actually just got him breathing before this was taken. I know newborns can't see very far but he was looking directly at me. Max was about 6 to 7 feet from me and his gaze was set directly on me.

Oh, I love and miss my baby so much. I don't know how this deep longing for him will ever let up.

God bless,

Max's mommy

Angel

2008-12-10T00:47:00.004-06:00

This coming Saturday we will be celebrating Maxson's life at New Hope Church. The service will be at 11am with a lunch to follow. It has been such a heavy thought to go through with this day, one, it signifies another milestone of his passing, two I want it to be perfect, and three while I want to celebrate there is that part of me that deeply mourns the loss of my sweet son...with all that laid out, tonight I received the pictures back from the photographers (Gabriel and Carin Photography) they are just beautiful, more than I imagined them to be. I will add some every post and will share most of them on Saturday at Max's service. Receiving these pictures eased most all of the burden Saturday was feeling to be. Now I feel I am ready to share and celebrate his life with everyone! For cards please send to PO Box 230 Williston, ND 58802. In lieu of flowers please consider donating in Max's name to a organization on our side bar.

I never thought this would hurt so badly. I really thought by knowing his time would be short would ease the pain in it...No, not even a bit. The pain comes on in waves at times my chest aches so deeply, and I long for him so bad I feel ill. I feel peace at times and other times I feel such despair, I know I have to walk through this part and I know there's no designated finish line. I just pray that God continues to carry me. Without the feeling of peace that Max is in a better place plus that fact that we will be reunited, I just don't know how I would continue. As living right now even with that hope can be so painful. So please pray for Dust and me, all your prayers thus far have been felt.

I did not bring Maxson home, I may not ever know why that wasn't God's plan. I do know Maxson was struggling at the end and I told him it was okay to go be with Jesus. It would have been so much harder to bring him home and watch him struggle to breath like he was. Once I whispered that into Max's ear he seemed to let go, I saw it in his eyes. He stared into my eyes and went home in my arms. So, figuratively speaking I did bring him home, Jesus just met me and carried Max the rest of the way. Now my sweet Angel is in heaven with a wonderful Grandma and great-grandparents, plus a wonderful Aunt. I know they are all fighting over him!

Dustin has been my rock, my family has stuck by my side and lifted me up again and again, friend have been there in such special ways, and even people I don't know that well have been so kind, some bringing food. This food thing is just awesome cause it's difficult to cook in this state and I would hate that burden to be on my Mom as she is also grieving. I am going to just post a list sometime of all the wonderful things people have done for me and my family. God bless you and thank you.

I will leave you with some pics of the cutest baby boy ever!!!!

Forever in our hearts, we love you Angel!

Oops!

2008-12-09T20:38:00.002-06:00

I wanted to clear up a mistake I had made. String of Pearls foundation had an incorrect link on my side bar. I have corrected it and the correct address is stringofpearlsonline.org.

This foundation has been such a blessing and I feel just awful that I had the wrong address and link listed. Please check out the correct link as Laura the founder has such a special purpose to help those who have and will walk this journey.

We're Home

2008-12-09T00:28:00.000-06:00

This morning we left the hospital and went straight to the funeral home to see Max....it was pretty tough. We could not stay long because Trish was not feeling well, but are going to go back in tomorrow. I am looking forward to sleeping in our own bed tonight instead of a hospital recliner.

We are planning on having a "Celebration of Life" service on Saturday, 12/13 at 11am. This will be held at New Hope Church in Williston, ND. Details of everything still need to be worked out.

Please pray that this day will honor our son and bring glory to God, also that Trish is feeling better by Saturday, as she is hurting pretty bad physically and emotionally.

For Friends and Family that want to come from afar we will find you a place to rest your head, our home is open along with other friends and family members that live here.

In lieu of flowers we would rather you make a donation in Max's name to a nonprofit organization listed on the side bar such as, String of Pearls, Songs of Love, NILMDTS.org.

God Bless,
Dustin

ps - i will post more pictures tomorrow.

SO MISSED

2008-12-07T01:14:00.002-06:00

This is so hard. There is no way words can explain or express how painful this can be. Trish is SO strong, yet SO broken hearted. We miss our boy so much.

This (Saturday) morning was a very tough morning for Trish. She woke up without any kicks in her tummy and empty arms. It was devastating for her and there was nothing I could do about it. I feel so helpless that I cannot take away her pain. I pray to God for guidance, but I cannot bring our son back.

I cannot imagine walking this road without knowing Jesus Christ as our savior. We cling to the comfort of knowing that our Max is with Him having the time of his life.....eternal Bliss. Also, knowing that we will one day be reunited with Maxson in heaven.

THANK YOU ALL for your prayers and support. I never imagined how many would come through and support us through this blog.....truly amazing.

It is late and I am very tired so i'm going to stop here. I am going to leave you with a few more pictures of our BEAUTIFUL SON. There will be more to come.

Love,

Dustin

Strong Max

2008-12-05T10:29:00.001-06:00

Max passed away about 10 min ago around 10:15am cuddling with his mommy and daddy. They were surrounded by friends and family! There was more love than you can even imagine. What a beautiful baby boy! He took one last look at his mama and then he just let go peacefully. Thank you everyone for your prayers and support. we know Max is with our loving heavenly father!

Update

2008-12-05T09:45:00.002-06:00

Sorry, I have more photos but we are having difficulty getting them loaded. I will post more later that have the whole Hagen family! Things are a bit touch and go right now. Max is definitely a fighter, with a strong will like his parents. Please keep praying for God's strength to touch the Hagen family today.

More family photos

2008-12-05T09:22:00.002-06:00

Hagen family photo

2008-12-05T09:19:00.002-06:00

Birth

2008-12-05T08:13:00.001-06:00

Just saw Trisha, Dustin and baby Max. He is beautiful! Trisha is doing great! Max was 3lbs 14oz. Just a little squirt! He looks healthy and is cooing away!

Birthday!

2008-12-05T07:53:00.003-06:00

Maxson Lynwood Hagen was born 7:32am on Dec, 5 2008. He is doing great and is fiesty little guy!Mom is holding him right no! Praise the Lord for he is good!

In Surgery

2008-12-05T07:11:00.002-06:00

Trisha and Dustin just went into the the OR at 7:25am!

Time is going by 37 weeks today!

2008-12-04T17:32:00.003-06:00

Well the response is overwhelming, thank you all so much for lifting us up in prayer. I feel so humbled by the love that has been shown for us, without love like this I don't know how this day would be.

Today thus far has been a dream...every kick by sweet Max intensifies the emotions I feel. There has been times I actually feel like my mind is recording the emotions, the feelings, and the details that surround the time I have. Very surreal.

I had to go get my blood drawn today for surgery tomorrow, afterwards, I just drove around and cried slow peaceful, praise filled tears. I turned the music up very loud, felt Max's body pushing against my stomach and just praised the time and gift I have received. It was a beautiful time with just Me, Max, and God. It may seem funny to praise God in a moment that would seem better fit to be pleading on my knees with God, but the release of fear and doubts, and the comfort I felt in doing so can not be explained.

Tonight we will be spending time as a family. My sisters are coming home and some friends are driving in tonight. I am going to try to sleep, I have to be up by 4:30 am. I will be having the c-section at 7 am central time.

I am just so thankful for all of you and thank God every night for you.

I wanted to write a list of prayers we seek to be answered tomorrow but I know God knows what we need, so I will leave you with a list of the blessings we have received thus far.

1. When we found out I was pregnant we were able to move from MN to be by my family, actually we had the opportunity to live with my parents!! My parents house is where we reside currently. The blessing in this I can't even express.

2. I was married at an age that some consider young. But as immature as I was, one thing at 21 that I did understand was that God had given me this man to be my husband! Also, the blessings in this go on and on.

3. I have become friends with so many people that share my love for our Savior...this bond has been even more so present through this journey.

4. I am blessed to be born in a country where I can freely express and live out my faith.

5. A family that raised me with so much love, patience (i require that), and commitment.

6. To be more exact, a Mother who is so selfless, a Dad who is extremely committed to the relationships in his life, which is the best example of a life a Father can give, if you ask me.

7. Three sisters that are all different in the way they love, but all give the same just in different ways. And a sister in heaven who I know waits to be a great auntie to Max.

8. Food I really have enjoyed food. And the blessing to choose what I eat is something I try not to take for granted.

9. Heat. I am in ND and it is so cold. Thank God for heat.

10. Doctors, well I can't say that I am to impressed with how our insurance has handled us but I will say it is a blessing to receive care. Also, that our Doctor knows there is a bigger hand in the picture!!

11. All who have shared this journey via the blog or through other means. Like I stated earlier I just don't know how this journey would be without you.

12. For heaven and the chance to go there!!

13. A God who felt this pain I am feeling by watching his own son die. Through this I am blessed to be separated from Max only by my time on earth.

14. Great girlfriends who have been there through thick and thin. Literally!!

15. Other mom's who have been down this journey that have reached out to me or answered my questions.

16. Dreams. not the bad ones but I have had so many good ones, holding my baby.

17. For a Shepperd who has guided me back to him when I lost my way.

18. Grace for the time needed in molding me, and hope for everything I have faith in.

19. For the blessings to come.........

20. Not lastly of course but for the sake of this list it is, Maxson Linwood Hagen, the love I have had the privilege to feel is beyond what I have ever felt. To be able to keep him so safe right below my heart, to be able to feel his kicks, to be able to have spent 37 weeks today with him and for the time God will give us. I would have never imagined this would be my path but I would not change it because of the pain, for if I hadn't gone down this path I also would not feel and be the mom I am now. Of course, I would love and welcome a complete healing miracle tomorrow and know that it is possible, but one thing I have learned through this more than anything else, is we are not that equipped to or able to understand or know God's plans. And even though it seems so doom and gloom from my eyes at times there is another side that is more beautiful and has more purpose than any plan I could have conjured up.

Yes, please pray, and yes please lift us up, more so though: Yes, thank God for what he has done and what he plans to do with the life of our beautiful baby boy.

Love,

Trish

Max,
I can't wait to hold you in my arms tomorrow, I can't wait to see you face to face. You are surrounded by love from all over. I have loved the privilege of carrying you beneath my heart and am so honored to say that you are my son!!!

Love you so much,
Mom

Our Max

2008-12-02T01:42:00.001-06:00

I want to start my first post by thanking everyone for your prayers and support. There have been so many down times where we have been picked up by Jesus through your prayers. Please continue to pray for us as we continue this uncertain journey.

I have not posted until now....i guess for a few different reasons. I think mostly because I was scared because I am not a very good writer in combination with the common male trait of not being able to express or share my feelings, or maybe not wanting to......I'm working on that. Thankfully my wife is amazing at it, but if you have been reading this blog, then you already know this. I thank God every day for blessing me with Trisha as my wife.
I am so blessed to have such an strong, amazing, beautiful wife....she truly is my hero!

As you already know, we will finally get to meet our son face to face on Friday....I cant wait to see, hold, hug, kiss him. I am so very proud of Maxson, and December 5, 2008 (Max's first b-day), isn't even here yet. He is SO strong and been blowing the medical tests out of the water! I Love You Son.

I still dream and pray that I will one day get to teach Max how to kick a soccer ball, swing a bat, throw a football, fish, hunt and the list goes on and on, but I know that what I want isn't always the will of our Lord. However, I do find tremendous peace knowing that whatever happens, it is God's will, and God's will is ALWAYS right.

with love,

Dustin

Max's Birthday will be December 5, 2008

2008-12-01T19:30:00.002-06:00

We have decided, we will be holding our sweet baby this Friday. Max did great today, his heart rate was strong and he looked to be doing very well. But we talked with our doctor for a while today and it seems that Max is not getting enough nutrients inside of me anymore. With a t18 baby I also have a Trisomy 18 placenta, and it has stopped providing Max with the appropriate nutrients. He did gain some weight, but after discussing the possibilities of waiting to have him we decided it was best for him to be born now rather than to become weaker over the next few weeks thus come into this world with less of an ability to fight.

I go in at 6am and Max will be in my arms sometime between 7 and 7:15 am. I have needed and loved all the prayers we have received thus far...now, I beg to you, please have Max in your prayers...Please pray he will be comforted and have no pain, pray his heart will sustain, pray that God gives us time with our son, pray that God gives us abundant time with our son, please petition to God our desire to spend time at home with our son. I have been asking God all along for his will, but I desperately beg that in his will is time, time to bring him home...I know he will supply us with the peace and strength we need, I know he will be in the midst carrying us, as I have felt him all along. Knowing God will be there I know, I just don't know his plan. I am so thankful for my faith and a God so great that even in my sadness, I am even more aware of his awesomeness! So well the next few days will feel oh so bitter sweet, I am so excited to hold and kiss Maxson, and like you may be feeling now, I can't believe it will be so soon.

My sister or Dustin will be keeping the blog updated on our status and will be posting pictures as soon as they can. I thank God for all of you and feel so blessed to have all your prayers.

with love,

Trish

Thanksgiving

2008-11-29T18:58:00.003-06:00

Well the holiday weekend is almost over...it started off for me to be quite an emotional ride. Thanks so much for the comments and emails. I find it so comforting to hear from people. The beginning of Thanksgiving day was super difficult I had a difficult time giving thanks. I am a planner and I don't like when things don't go the way I planned, something I know I need to work on, obviously God knows that too! But I was so set on the 19th of December that the possible change in plans sent me spinning and it was, jeez...just a hole mess of emotions. Luckily and blessed that I am, my family came through and pulled me out of the doom and gloom. Then as the day progressed I began to let go of the despair and I rested in my blessings. Because I am blessed and thankful. I wouldn't trade Max's life for anything, even if his life may only grace me for a short time. I also wouldn't trade my family or husband or even my dog for any one else's. I thank God, as I clearly see his provision in my life. I do have so much to be thankful for...even though the road I am on now challenges me at times to count my blessings.

By the way I went in yesterday so we could monitor Max's heart rate, just so I could make sure he was fine, his heart rate was back up to a healthy range 120-150. I am still thanking God for that!

Dustin and I decided that our decision on delivering Max next Friday will be based on our appointment on Monday. If Max has not grown at all, or if his heart rate is not healthy we will discuss with our doctor about Friday. But if he has grown and his heart rate is well we will wait another week. I just pray for God's will in the situation. I will post on Monday and thank you for your continued prayers.

God bless,

Trish

Please Pray!

2008-11-26T14:23:00.002-06:00

This morning I received a call from my doctors office, after reviewing Max's growth my Doctor thinks it may be best to take Maxson by c-section on the 5th of December. She is looking at the big picture and thinks that it will give us a better chance to have time with him. She is looking at this medically where I appreciate but understand that there is also my view. Which is, Max is only going to be 37 weeks if we take him the 5th and if he is doing good like he is, he's just not growing too good, than who is to say he will be ready to breath on his own and many other worries that seem bigger to me the earlier we take him.

On the other side if we wait he may pass in utero and that would be very difficult to live with...ahhhhh. I need a clear answer, I know like everything else I may not get one but I need one... now more than ever. I don't know what choice to make. At this moment we have time. We are going in on Monday and I may go in sooner to have him monitored and checked again. I am hoping that this will give me an idea of what to do. Please pray and please if you have been through this give me some of your wisdom. I am just so upset that I have to make another choice that is life altering to our lil boy. Pray for strength and peace cause right now I feel like I am hanging by the end of the rope.

thanks,

Trish

Today's appointment

2008-11-24T23:08:00.002-06:00

Alright, Max has not quite gained a pound, but just under he now weighs approximately 3 lbs and 9 oz. That could be off a half pound either way, he is still growing and I guess that's what counts. He passed his biophysical but his heart rate wasn't as high as usual but my doctor thought it was passing due to all the other great signs, it was low lining at 110 and topping at 140, where in the past they told me a healthy heart rate was 120 - 160. So please pray for his heart to keep doing its job and to not go any lower!!

I feel like I am now constantly holding my breath...when I wake up I hold my breath till I feel him kick, today I held my breath until I saw my doctor, because I noticed that his heart rate wasn't quite as strong as it had been on the last tests...its just such an up and down road. Like on the contrary I have many hopeful moments; today Max was sucking his fingers or at least had them in his mouth. And his pinkie and pointer finger were up. I did tell my doctor and I don't know if it is an accomplishment or not, but heck I'm taking it as one, GOOD JOB MAX! He also was practicing with his lungs better than any test in the past. So I take in the good and the bad and still don't have any guarantee, right? Yeah, I guess that is how life works I'm just not used to dealing with that reality in my face in other areas of my life...NOTHING IS GUARANTEED (I yelled that even if it was just in my head)! If you want, email me and let me know what is, cause right now I can't think of anything, except...no, actually nothing.

So please, Max desperately needs your prayers, he has to pass 3 more tests in the following weeks and then he will have to pass my kissing him a million times test!

with love,

Trish

Biophysical and Max's Birth Plan

2008-11-23T16:52:00.005-06:00

Tomorrow Max will have yet another biophysical. Last week he passed again with a 10 out of 10. I will request tomorrow that they also measure him. His last measurements were taken in MN and he weighed then just under 3 pounds... So flash forward about 4 weeks and hopefully he has gained no less than 1 pound. I will post after we find out, so please pray!

I am trying to help his weight gain by enjoying fattening treats!! Yes, that is the only reason...well, okay I have a great sweet tooth as well!!

Today Dustin and I wrote out Max's birth plan this will be given to all the hospital staff taking part in his entrance into this world. I am going to post it below, as it may be useful to someone going through this in the future. And we had to really research and seek out exactly what we wanted to have in our plan for him. It was difficult to write but now that it is done I feel so much more prepared for that day. Please continue to pray for us and please pray that Max continues to grow and that his heart will heal. As the time draws near (about 3 weeks away) the need for your prayers increase. Thank you to all. Dustin and I can't express enough how much it means to have all you out there praying on our behalf. The fact that you are sharing this journey with us means you share in our love for Max, thank you.

We love you and give thanks for you.

Trish and Dustin

Maxson Linwood Hagen Birth Plan

At 20 weeks our son was diagnosed with Trisomy 18. As of now we know that he has a VSD, an overriding aorta, a kidney that is not functioning, two cyroid cysts on his brain, a cleft foot, clenched fists, and low set ears. This is our first pregnancy and our son was conceived using fertility, he was prayed and longed for long before this time. Considering the diagnosis we have made the decision to carry our son Maxson Linwood Hagen to term with the understanding that he may not have a long life. We firmly believe that Max is a gift from God and we will treasure every minute we have with him. He is deemed “Our Miracle Max”, we are praying for a healing miracle, but do understand we have already received our miracle in his life alone.

Below is a list of choices we have made in regard to Max’s delivery and life, we hope that the list will help in the experience we desire with our son.

Delivery
We are planning on inducing labor on December 19, 2008. Dr. Tong will be delivering Max. We wish to try a natural birth, but will revert to a c-section if Max shows any sign of distress, this will be under Dr. Tong’s discretion.

Trish does not wish to have an epidural because it may slow down the delivery process. However, she is open to other forms of pain management, including drugs that will not affect her experience. Hydrocodine is a drug she has taken in the past that has not given any side affects.

Dustin wish’s to cut the umbilical cord. He will also be by Max’s side at all times. Dustin will also be making any decisions that may come up regarding Max’s life.

We wish to keep our room open to family and friends up until otherwise requested by Trish or Dustin. We would appreciate a nurse or staff member to give updates to family and friends that are waiting.

We would like for Max to be monitored throughout the labor and delivery and to be immediately informed if Max is experiencing distress. If there becomes a point in time where it appears that Max could possibly die during labor, we want to have a C-Section to get him out and prevent that from happening. We would want to take the time to properly medicate Trish, via spinal block, so she does not have any pain during the procedure, but at the same time, we want to ensure that she is alert throughout the procedure and that Dustin is by her side at all possible times. We want Trish to have the best physical outcome possible, but our primary goal is to ensure that Max has every chance to meet us and that he is protected from unnecessary pain and suffering. We have come so far in our journey to meet him and then let him go, that we will want to do whatever we can to prevent missing out on that chance.

Following the birth, c-section or vaginal:
· If Max is not breathing immediately after birth, we ask that stimulation be used to initiate it. If oxygen is needed, we agree to its use and other forms of non-invasive methods. We do not want extraordinary measures taken to maintain his breathing.
· If Max’s heart is not beating at birth we wish to have him wiped, wrapped and handed to his mother and father.
· If Max passes during our hospital stay, please notify staff members as applicable, and please allow us space to grieve without abandoning us.
· Dr. Kemp will be assisting Max’s care and is working with us to set up hospice.
· Our goal is to have Max home with us on Christmas but until we can leave we wish that Max be kept in our room at all times.
· Trish wish’s to try to breastfeed Max if he shows interest.
· If Max cannot orally feed we request other measures be discussed with us at that time.
· Dustin would like a second bed put in Trish’s room if possible so he can stay with her and Max at all times.
· We would like to perform kangaroo care with our son along with other methods of comfort care.
· If Max needs any type of drugs that will relieve pain we are open to discussion.
· Please do not make visiting hours an issue, as time will be of the essence for us and we do not want to have any avoidable regrets or missed opportunities.
· If Max passes during our stay, we wish to keep Max with us until the funeral home comes to get him, also, please help us gather mementos. Here is a list of those things, if there are others that you think we may want, we would be grateful for your suggestions.
1. Bassinet card
2. Hats
3. Baby blanket
4. Photographs
5. Hand and foot prints
6. Hand and foot molds
7. Lock of hair
8. Hospital bracelets
9. We want to bathe and dress Max at an appropriate time
· There will be no autopsy done on Max.
· We have chosen Fulkerson Funeral Home to take care of funeral arrangements.
· There will also be a professional photographer that will be standing by to take photos when needed.

We may have only seconds or minutes with Max alive, but we may also be blessed with hours or days. Whatever we are given, we intend to make the most of it, and we ask for your help and support in accomplishing that. We ask that everyone refer to him as Max or Maxson. It is our wish that for his birth and during his short life; Max be surrounded by a loving and caring environment.

This is a very difficult time for all of us, including you, as you work to support us and care for us throughout this part of our journey. We truly appreciate your help and support, and ask that you understand if we seem indecisive or experience a variety of emotions at times. We also appreciate and find great comfort in your expressions of grief and joy, be it through tears or even through humor, so please do not hesitate to cry or be sad in front of us, if that is how you feel.
We have tried our best to prepare for this short time with our beloved Max, and we want to be able to spend as much time with him as possible. Thank you so much for helping us and supporting us through this celebration of our son’s short but precious and meaningful life.

THIS PLAN IS NOT WRITTEN IN STONE. WE CAN CHANGE OUR MINDS AT ANY TIME CONCERNING ANY ASPECT OF THIS PLAN, TO INCLUDE FULL LIFE SAVING MEASURES.

Loving on Max

2008-11-18T16:52:00.002-06:00

Tomorrow we will have only a month to go until we bring Maxson into this world. With so many unknowns of what that day will hold I am trying my best to enjoy every moment with him now. His kicks, and the different ways I can love on him now...I play his bunny quite a bit and hold my stomach thinking he can feel that he is held. I talk to him and eat yummy treats that I hope he can taste! Obviously I feel limited on the ways I can mother him now. I do have that nesting feeling but preparing like everything is normal is just too difficult so I am crocheting a blanket (I taught myself to crochet a couple months ago). I am trying to remember I can be sad later and that now I just want to really take in his presence in my life.

Dustin has been a really terrific Dad. Every night he waits to feel Max kick; he is so proud of his son I can tell by the way he talks about him.

I read this article on MSNBC health network today that talked about families who find out that their child is terminally ill in utero. I found it alarming that only 10 to 15 percent of families decide to continue the pregnancy after learning of such a diagnosis. The article then stated some reasons why a parent wouldn't want to continue the pregnancy. They stated that some believe that parents that continue a pregnancy are only delaying grief and thus just adding more torture. Others felt that by continuing the pregnancy it was bringing more suffering to the baby. The article also stated these reasons for continuing: religious reasons and wanting to meet baby.

Well, I do want to meet Max, I want to love on him as long as God gives me. I found it crazy that the percent of parents who end the pregnancy was as high as it was, honestly when I first found out about Max I didn't understand how I was going to make it through, it seemed impossible to go another 20 weeks with the understanding my son would die. I have always believed only God has the right to give and end life but this road definitely tested my beliefs. Now I thank God everyday for the day he has given me with my son. I pray that he doesn't allow Max to suffer. And now I also feel blessed beyond measure that God has given us this baby, even with all the pain this has brought there is also so much love and joy that I have never felt before. I am not torturing my self by continuing Max's life and I am not just adding more suffering to his life. I am just trying to be the person God intended me to be, a mother who loves and comforts her son.

We are choosing to only give Max comfort care, meaning the only medical measures we will take is to keep him as pain free and comfortable as possible. Thus far the medical field has guided us on the prognosis of such a diagnosis, they have led us to make some of the decisions we have made. We know that extreme medical measures in a baby with t18 will only add suffering and that the babies. So we won't do anything that adds suffering to his life and that would be in vain, however, if Max shows signs that he is strong enough we may change are minds.

So far we know this.... We know that we want Max to be as comforted as possible. We also know we want to make as many memories here on earth with our son as God allows.

The plan

2008-11-12T20:00:00.002-06:00

Maxson, God willing will be arriving on December 19th. That is the plan, we will be inducing and will try a natural vaginal birth, he will be monitored so if he shows any signs of distress I will have a c-section.

I thank you to all who sent prayers up for us, for God to give us peace about our choices. Today as Max was being monitored for his biophysical which he passed again 10 out of 10 thank God for that, I for the first time had a good sense of peace about our choices, which we basically finally decided today. I feel such a peace right now that God is going to give us time with Max and that he has his hand on Max's life.

Here is the flip side to that great plan...Max at the moment is breech. He moves so much that one week he is breech the next he's in position but he has now been breech for two weeks. If he is breech at the time we will go ahead with a c-section. I am not afraid of having a c-section, actually the vaginal birth scares me much more than a surgery. If he is breech and I don't have to do labor there may be some weight lifted off my shoulders...so I'm not asking for prayer here!

Maxson has been so active, I can't tell you how much I treasure his movements I am going to miss this so much...ahh I can't even think about it.

He is so busy moving that today we had such a difficult time monitoring his heart beat. He would kick the thing that was recording his heart rate and then would move. I spent a good part of the appointment chasing him around my stomach with the... I don't know "thing that takes his heart rate". It has been really difficult to get any pictures of him, the last two ultra sounds he has had his hands and feet in front of his face and the umbilical cord. I know it sounds terribly uncomfortable but apparently he enjoys this position. But the few glimpses we had were great, I now understand how most parents find their kids to be the cutest cause from a 4d pic I can honestly say I think he is just the cutest lil baby ever!! I caught his mouth opening and closing today. And Max practiced with his lungs better than past appointments, this is very important!!

Not that it was part of his appointment but I asked the technician to measure his foot and it is a little over two inches. I don't know where this measurement stands but to me it sounds pretty big. I am hoping the reason he has his legs over his head is because he is just too darn big.

If you can't tell thus far I am gushing over him just a little today. He has given me so much to gush over today!!

I can't express how much already Max's beautiful life has taught me. To enjoy every moment, to be grateful for every moment he is here; he is here now that is what I am given tomorrow has not been promised. If I could just learn to transfer this realization to all my relationships and by practicing the effects that this understanding brings would change all the relationships in my life for the better. Life is something we all take for granted, time with each other is overlooked as expected not as a gift.

Praise God for today and pray for tomorrow

Love,

Trish

T18 Foundation

2008-11-11T14:35:00.003-06:00

Hello, I have been praying so hard to have peace in one way or the other, c-section or natural birth. I haven't had that confirmation of what is best for Max. It's so difficult...I just thought I would ask for your prayers in finding peace with whatever decision we make.

I am having one of those days when I am on the verge of breaking down every other minute. Breaking down sounds so severe, I mean just crying. The days vary much and today that ache is on my heart.

Max has been very active, which is very comforting; he is letting me know he is still doing just fine. The days he is not as active leaves me holding my breath for every movement, it's just that from here out is so fragile. I thank God numerous times each day that Max is still with us. Max is so strong and is a great fighter, one reason I know this is he has quite a large hole in his heart and for him to be here now means he has beaten the odds stacked against him. Trisomy 18 babies generally miscarry in the first trimester. His odds of being born to begin with were 10 percent. He has passed that now he is on the upside, his odds of being born alive are 90 percent. His odds of coming home with us....ahhh I hate playing on the side of odds, the odds of having a baby with any chromosome problem are less than 1 percent...so playing on odds isn't for me. His odds of coming home to be with us are GREAT! With all of you praying and asking God for Max's stay here with us to be at least as long as holding him on Christmas at home, and because I know my son is a fighter, I will say the chance is good, very good!

If anyone is interested in what to give to this Christmas Trisomy 18 Foundation (trisomy18.org) is selling a beautiful ornament that posted above there $30 includes shipping and would be a great way to support life and to support an organization that reaches out to families with information and research.

Love,

Trish

Back so soon..

2008-11-03T22:12:00.003-06:00

I know I posted just a short time ago but as requested I have to post a picture of Max's foot. Baby's feet are always so cute...and you can count he has 5 toes!! Dustin had to throw that in there at the appointment...he said it more like this "oh good, he has 5 toes!" Okay well I laugh... I married him I better find him funny!! So count um out!

Love,

Trish

Back from MN

2008-11-03T13:06:00.002-06:00

We got back late last night and I was planning on posting then but I was way too exhausted. Traveling this big in a tuna can of a car is just not so fun. My feet were swelled up so big I lost my ankles I had cankles!! Anyway no more 10 hour road trips for me and Max.

We had such a great time with family and friends. We miss them already...it was great to be able to be with them and share Max in the belly with them.

The doctors appointments were not as great. First off we really didn't learn anything we don't already know, and second I really hate the way doctors treat Max's life even though I am in agreement with most of the care we are choosing for him. We did learn Maxson weighs just under 3 pounds and that overall he is running around two weeks behind. He is where they would expect him to be given this disease.

I had my arsenal of questions ready for them and the first doctor I saw was very willing to answer my questions as where the second doctor was more like why are you asking that it doesn't matter...when I wanted to say to him really just throw me a bone here and give me as much information as I am seeking to the best of your ability, that's all I am asking. You wont set up false expectations by telling me because his cerebellum is right where it should be it may help him to breath and swallow better. I guess in this Doctors eyes the end is the same so why does the time in between the beginning and the end matter. Well, it does to me and Dustin and everyone who is waiting to share that time, that in between time matters greatly. So overall we really didn't need to see the doctors... but then we would have wondered, so its a good thing when I weigh the two out. Its funny cause I swear the machine they use for ultra sounds here is better than what they have at a professional place like Abbott. They did give us a bunch of profile pics not 4D pics but none the less I will scan them later and post some.

Saturday night many good friends of ours prayed with us and for Max's life. It meant a great deal...one of their daughters Sophie found a verse in the bible and her older brother Nate read it aloud while we prayed. The next day Sophie told me that she opened the Bible to that verse and then closed it and prayed to God and then opened it again to the same verse, she is such a sweet girl and at nine she has the most sensitive beautiful spirit about her. So I will leave you with that verse that God gave us during prayer and petition to him for Max's life.

We thank you, O God!

We give thanks because you are near.

People everywhere tell of your miraculous ways.

Psalms 75:1

Love,

Trish

6 am

2008-10-23T05:57:00.003-05:00

Last night I had a very real and extremely cruel dream...someone I don't know who kept showing my baby clothes, tons of baby clothes, Halloween outfits, and Christmas outfits all of which in my dream I was told or at least remembered thinking my son wouldn't wear. I know... it was a depressing dream; I didn't tell anyone, when I woke up I thought about it in a very numb way. I guess having very real dreams about baby at this point is a very normal thing or so I read, I just wish mine were happy. All day yesterday I thought about it off and on but it was weird yesterday I felt great I was working on a wedding and I felt really happy even though the thought of the dream kept coming up.

It caught up to me...I haven't slept yet.

Last night I stayed up late working and reading, as the night went on my mind and heart started to feel the sadness the dream had brought up. And not very rational thoughts began to wage war in my mind. Due to the time of night, or I should say morning, it probably was from being overly tired, pregnant, and the weight of my reality... One thing I want to make clear, as I have the greatest faith that God has the plan for my life and Max's in his hands I have the understanding of a sinful human and well my heart has the faith and security of Christ's love, I falter. I really don't have the wisdom to understand the purpose in Max's life I just pray that God might reveal some of the glory Max I know will bring to me. So with all that said and because I haven't slept yet, everything I write might come across a little emotional, forgive me for that, but as soon as I thought of writing and sharing I started being able to breath. So here is my therapy!

No one can ever understand the pain of losing someone they love if they haven't, no one can ever understand the pain in a loss if they have never felt loss. I always new that losing a child must be the worst type of loss but I never could have imagined the immense feelings of sorrow and I haven't even begun to grieve the loss of Max's life just the dreams and hopes I once had. So, I hope that this blog helps those that have suffered a loss and those that will need to try to understand...BEFORE, I handled myself around those who were grieving the same way most have with me...I would avoid the subject for two reasons; one, I didn't want to bring up any pain for that person and two, I didn't want to say the wrong thing...NOW, I understand what I thought before was all wrong. To ask about the person lost by name to not tip toe around the situation or to not avoid the person just because you don't know what to say are all ways to really help someone in grief. I understand everyone handles grief differently but I think if you were to ask most people who have lost which way they would prefer you to comfort them, and they would all want the person they loved so dear to be honored and their memories shared and cherished not to be treated as it were a secret or just wrong. There is nothing anyone could ask about Max that would hurt me as long as they were bringing up his name--within reason of course.

My eyes are finally heavy and my mind is becoming mush. I have a feeling today is not going to be a very progressive day...I hope tomorrow I don't look back at this post with regret as I said I am pretty emotional...well if I do I apologize in advance, and thank all of you who are sharing this journey with us, even the not so down to earth parts!

Much love and a hug goodnight,

Trish

Christmas 2008

2008-10-21T19:49:00.004-05:00

I wanted to post some pics from this weeks ultra sound but Max did not cooperate. His hands covered his face along with the umbilical cord...so no pics we did get a good shot of his foot. Maxson did pass his biophysical for the third week in a row! I thank God for Max's continued growth and presence in my life.

My doctor informed me that it is not typical for a t18 baby to be passing a biophysical with a 10 out of 10! Its funny how a statement like that can give me such hope and happiness. Usually I leave my appointments with a horrible ache in my chest...just hearing the reality from my doctor even though I already know it leaves me feeling so gloomy. I have left all my past appointments with hope sucked out of me and a dulling pain. But this appointment was different not that I didn't hear what I generally hear...Like the depressing plans and decisions needed to be made; or about planning the end of his life, granted he hasn't had his beginning yet. But just that one comment about Max doing better than what is to be expected, left me with so much hope. I left the office without fighting tears or trying to mend the ache, the irony being that this appointment I left with a handful of grieving reading material and information on planning a funeral.

Next week on Wednesday we will be meeting with some specialists in Minneapolis, they will be able or hopefully able to help us answer some questions that will guide us in our decisions for Max. It is difficult to make some of these choices with no certainty that your making the right choice. Also we will be having another level 2 ultra sound that will let us know more about Max's condition. Max had one hole in his heart, a dilated kidney, and two choroid cysts on his brain. So please pray for the healing of our son and that he keeps up his growth; both of these prayers being answered will be vital in our hopes to spend time with him.

As I said in an earlier post when it comes to planning Max's birth we are to think about what we want most for him. For example, some people want there baby baptized or want their family to spend time with the baby or to have their baby see a sunset. I have figured out what I want most for our son...Max's due date is Christmas day. Christmas is my favorite time of the year I love everything about it and everything it means. Last year I was thinking I may be pregnant on Christmas and what a gift that it would be, as we started a fertility treatment last November, well I wasn't pregnant but... Then we found out I was pregnant in April and that my due date was Christmas day; it seemed so fitting cause of all the hope I had in being pregnant the previous Christmas. I praised God on my knees for our answered prayers and thought ahead of how Christmas 2008 was going to be the best yet. So now it is that... I want Max to be in my arms and at home celebrating Christmas with his family; this is what I want most for my son, to be here on Christmas. There it is, a new prayer request. We are trying to make the best choices regarding his birth plan so this may happen but I know without the request in prayer to God it will all be in vain. Join us in praying for this request and if God willing I know we will spend the most beautiful day of the year with our son.

much love,

Trish

Now 30 weeks!

2008-10-14T13:14:00.005-05:00

Isn't he cute...he looks comfortable and to me he looks completely normal and healthy! Those hands are still by his face but at least they weren't covering his whole face.

30 weeks now, 10 weeks since we found out the horrible news of Max having t18 and 10 weeks until his due date... with time passing so quickly the fear of losing him is becoming so much more real everyday. The hard choices and planning for him are coming to a front; when we have to actually make those decisions about his life and passing.

I feel him moving so often I can now see him moving, which is pretty neat! Medically now we are going in once a week to monitor Max. To make sure that he is not in distress and is continuing to grow. So far the last two weeks he scored a 10 out of 10...this news is so great but at the same time it makes me realize how fragile his life is. With Trisomy 18 it is not uncommon for them to stop growing after 27 weeks or to go into distress... so we are living now week to week with the hope to make it to his birth date and meet him and God willing bring him home. I know he is a fighter and I know we can make it with continued prayer and faith. The day I get to introduce him to everyone who visits this site for Max is going to be a wonderful day!

But now I am trying to make it day to day... if i don't stay in constant prayer and walk with God its easy to drop off and break down, trust me I have had many of those days. I am loving carrying Maxson under my heart but with the reality of his life being so short also looming constantly on my heart its a very painful, lonely difficult road.

I do not regret our decision to carry Max full term, to end his life to me would have not been giving him the life that God intended and that he deserves! I feel more passionately than ever before about giving life and not ending it when it doesn't work out with our life or medically its not compatible with life; with which they deemed Max. And I think everyone who sees his pics above has to agree that Max's life and the words "not compatible with life" should NEVER be used together.

Since when is that fair medically or not to use those words with human life, I use those words with things like computers, some programs are not compatible with Macs but to use that with human life... So when someone is so sick with a disease that it ends in death then we should say they are not compatible with life. Sorry for my rant against this, but this is what they told us about Max this is what the world summed up Max's life to be...incompatible... in most of the medical world they do not support our decision to carry Max full term. Thank God we have a doctor that does. So you see they angered me and broke my heart with those words; I have the heart of a Mother because Max is my son no matter what is said.

Love,

Trish

I want you to know.

2008-10-04T00:20:00.004-05:00

Dear Max,

Right now you are resting, pretty comfortably I think, unlike yesterday when you were kicking and moving so much I wondered if I had too much sugar. It feels great to feel you kick and move around. Your Dad also loves when he feels you kick. The first time he felt you kick he was a little freaked out by how strong you are! You literally kicked his hand off my stomach -pretty impressive little man!!

Anyway, I really want you to know a few things. First, I want you to know how much me and your Dad love you, the love is greater than I have ever known. I want you to know that the doctors say you have some health issues but despite that we are going to have a happy and joyful heart the moment we see you. We are really anticipating our time holding and comforting you and praying for a great miracle more than what we have already received in having you. There are so many people praying for you. Your name is well known and loved by many already! I know you will continue to come through with which we named you Max meaning strength and great, you already have been so great and from what I feel you have strength. So keep on son!

Your Dad is going to be the best Dad ever! He has so many things to teach you, not only will he teach you how to work on cars but also he could teach you to build anything you want. He also has very strong character he will show you how to be honest and look out for others. He will show you how to treat a woman and how to be a real man, he will be there through it all cheering you on! I just wanted you know a bit of what your Dad is about and what he will be like as a father.

I already know a few things about you, like me you like to have your hands by your face. The ultra sound we had this week proved that like the past looks we had a difficult time seeing your face you loved to keep your hands there. As the pics display above...we did catch you though! You very much enjoy this lil bunny aunt Chris gave you it plays twinkle twinkle little star and every time I play it you move.

We can't wait to see you face to face. Everyone is excited to meet you. Your due date is on Christmas day but we may see you sooner or maybe later.

Love you Max,

Mom

When bad things happen...

2008-09-25T22:31:00.002-05:00

This morning we had to rush our dog Sady to the vet she was shaking and wouldn't walk. I stay pretty cool through "what if" situations, so I didn't stress much but it did cross my mind we could lose our dog. I went right to God with this; I just told him there was no way I could handle this on top of everything else...But, one thing I have had to come to understand or at least swallow is we don't have control over everything in our life, we don't know what our future holds, we don't know what hardships we will have to endure, or what joys will be coming our way. Yes, we all will lose someone we love, and yes we will have moments of joy but what brings about the two is entirely out of our control...very humbling and in the hardships, extremely frustrating.

So...Sady is okay she has to be confined or not allowed to move around much for about 3 weeks. She was prescribed some pretty good painkillers and muscle relaxers so she's feeling pretty good. I felt bad about kenneling her all the time so we put a pillow in a laundry basket and carry her around so she doesn't have to be alone, she looks like a queen! So that's that....I mean for today! Because one thing I know is we are not saved from nightmares, we may be saved from hell, but while we are here in an imperfect, sinful world we are going to have nightmares; we are going to experience all kinds of pain.

I have had a lot of people tell me that Dustin and I don't deserve this; I will say that was very difficult for me to get over, I thought the struggle with fertility was our great tribulation and trial. There was a crazy amount of prayer around this baby before he was even conceived. I can't express how much Max was and is wanted; so as human as I am it never even crossed my mind that God would allow anything bad to happen to this child. And I felt Dustin and I had been seeking for God and for his will in our lives...I guess I am trying to say I felt like we were somewhat saved from bad things at least something like what is happening now. We did speak to the pastor of our church and he brought up a thought I have had to chew on for some time now. People say why do bad things happen to good people, but really why do good things happen to bad people? All of us, everyone is born bad, born sinful. The degrees in this vary much, I know, but NO ONE is good we may do good deeds but we are not pure, blameless, sinless...So why does any one of us deserve the blessings we do have, what makes us more worthy than the next to receive the good things in our lives? This question is now in my arsenal of questions for Jesus someday.... But now I believe this; no one is saved from nightmares, God is there to help and comfort us but not to save us from pain. Max having t18 to us and to all of you is a horrible nightmare it's heartbreaking and in moments seems so unfair, however I have to understand there is another side we don't understand. Because in God's view Max is going to be held and loved and comforted by Jesus, I can't imagine who else could raise a boy better than Jesus. Not only will he have Jesus to raise him he will never have to feel the pain we do....he WILL BE SAVED from nightmares!!!

I just wanted to share a bit of what I have been thinking, praying, and seeking understanding over...hopefully I will continue to have more understanding about God's plan for Max. I want to find peace about the plan he has for our son, I want to get past the why God.

Today

2008-09-18T14:57:00.003-05:00

Thank you so much for the prayers, honestly, I have felt renewed strength since the day I last posted. Your kind emails have been a great comfort, all of your words help. Forgive me if I don't respond personally I have just been wordless after reading each one of your emails. I want to let all of you know how much we thank you and how we appreciate the time you took to write your thoughts and cares for us -it means a great deal!

Today is week 26 of Max's life... I am enjoying him inside me so much that I think I could stay pregnant forever with him safe under my heart. But I suppose you will talk to me at 36 weeks and will be dying to see him face to face.

One email that I have received talked about the need to ask God in detail for what we need, so I wanted to pass on prayers that we want for our son:

First of course we want a MIRACLE...we want Max to baffle science and break every rule of his diagnosis, we want God to correct the error in the chromosomes and give Max a healthy life with us. I pray for this but I also pray if this is the path for Max that he comes into this world with no pain, that he will be able to breathe on his own, that he will feel great comfort and love, that he will be strong enough to come home and spend time with us, that his heart will heal, that his kidney will heal, that his brain will tell him to; breathe, swallow, and live, that he will not need to be tube fed, that he will be able to smile and giggle, that he will be able recognize and feel our comfort and love for him....PLEASE ASK GOD ON MAX'S BEHALF that he will honor our requests and bring this special baby into the world if not healed than free from feeling pain and full for feeling love and comfort.

Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on Knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.

You parents-if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.

JESUS~Matthew 7:7-11

Love,

Trish

The down times...

2008-09-16T14:11:00.002-05:00

I meant to post after the ultra sound and doctors appointment last week, but it turned out to be the beginning of a long lasting low...I have been waiting for this dark cloud to move but it hasn't. I wanted to make sure all my posts were coming from someone who was leaning on God and who found joy and excitement through all the trials...but that's just not happening lately... I am leaning on God, but he has given us all this amazing spectrum of emotions that range anywhere from feeling on top of the world to feeling like your crawling along just to make it. And that's where I feel I am since last week, crawling along. Fighting through the day to make or find moments of peace and happiness cause right now those feelings are difficult for me to come by. I am SO grateful for my family and friends, my mom has been trying so hard to cheer me up, Dustin has been such a rock especially at night when for some reason it hits me the hardest, plus the emails from all of you really do give me some understanding, hope, and purpose. Its just lately, its been tough.

I don't know what I was expecting but the Doctors appointment last week was about the decisions we need to start thinking about, the birth plan we need to figure out. Decisions no expecting mom should have to decide or even think about. I feel Max and saw Max growing via the ultra sound and the love I have is growing so much as the days go on for my baby boy that I feel and tell God that I feel this is the cruelest reality...I hate the reality of this. Max is a very loved boy and I think like any mom... I don't want to give him to Jesus... I don't want to have to make choices about his passing or choices about trying to keep him alive after his birth that may cause him pain or be sad by all those thoughts cause he is very much ALIVE NOW! So this is my catch 22 right now...making choices that just break me to even think about and fighting for Max...for a miracle, for the pregnancy Max deserves, for a purpose that will make all this seem as an understood offering...for hope, happiness, joy, and peace I don't want Max to feel my anguish. I need him to feel the love I have for him in a joyful manner not a tear soaked pillow every night. So please pray that I will be able to impress that type of love on his very being and that I will find renewed strength to be able to walk this road.

Thank you for reading; I know this may not be as hopeful and strong as the previous posts but I need to get it out and I desperately need the prayers of strength right now.

Love,

Trish

A prayer request

2008-09-09T23:31:00.003-05:00

Thursday we have another ultra sound and I am very excited to see Max again. Last night he was all over the place he was kicking more than ever; thats how he has been in all the ultra sounds too, which means he's a fighter!! I keep thinking how amazing would it be to go to the ultra sound and baffle the doctors. His hands open, foot straightened, heart healed just everything healthy...so I keep hope in that miracle. But it's difficult so many families that have gone through this, such amazing families...I feel almost bad thinking I could receive such a miracle, the "who am I " card comes up but like I said before Max is already our miracle and I could and sometime will write the blessings of having him in our life cause I already feel and know some and have many more to come.

Tonight though my heart is aching for a family I started following just days after I found out about Max. You can find the link in the side bar under inspiration "An Unfinished Life". Leah the mother of Christian who passed from t18 just a short time ago is having a very difficult time right now with blame and I just want to lift her up in prayer that she finds peace and that Jesus would wrap his arms around her. I break with the thought of the loss but she is in it now and needs prayers from all over. So please don't forget to pray for her.

Thank you so much to everyone who has kept us in your prayers. I don't know how to express our gratitude, all I know is I don't know what we would do without the prayers, emails, and support of family and friends it means the world to us.

Love,

Trish

Previous E-mail

2008-09-07T20:34:00.003-05:00

Hello everyone,

I want to start by thanking everyone for all your prayers, emails, and support it has been so comforting!

When we first heard the grim news about Max I was devasted I felt pure despair as there is nothing I could do to change the circumstances. I felt anger and the greatest saddness I have ever known, my heart just broke. I will say this though, when Dustin said the tests came back positive for trisomy 18 I felt God immediately tug on my heart and say he was there with me. Although I still felt the emotions and the helplessness, I also believe God's presence was real he let me go through my emotions but was there through it all. (2 Corinthians 1:3-6)

The next couple of days after that I questioned and kept questioning God, not feeling any response to any negging question that was torturing my mind. Why? For what possible reason? How could he do this? I also could not comprehend how I was to move on through this pregnancy. How could I find any joy in it? How could I possibly celebrate this life? I already love Max so much, and I don't even know how much time I will get with him or know if I want time with him? How can I stay strong enough to share this pregnancy with anyone?

So far I can't answer all of the questions above, I can't tell you if I ever will be able to answer some of them. I do know God has a plan and I find great comfort and hope in that. I also find through your prayers I have a great deal of peace which passes all understanding!! I also know I am going to find joy in this pregancy because he is my much wanted lil boy and I love him. I awoke this morning with a great deal of peace, I felt God's presence, I felt Bible versus on my heart, and I also felt Max kick. There was a great deal of joy and excitment this morning and I will rejoice in God for that.

I do believe and will continue to pray for a miracle and whether Max is healed completely or spends some time with us after he is born I know he will be a miracle, his life to me is already a miracle. He is always going to be our son and I find hope and comfort knowing that we will one day be with him forever.

Through God's grace I find peace, hope, and great deal of love for my son. And I know that Max's life as short as it may be has great purpose.

So please continue to pray for Dustin, Max, and myself. We thank God for the comfort everyone has shown us.

Love,
Trish and Dustin

(Phil 4:6) Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done.(Phil 4:7) Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guide your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Miracle Max

2008-09-05T21:40:00.035-05:00

I felt compelled as Max's mother to bring voice to my son's life, even at this moment his life continues to grow inside of me...he is alive and will be until Jesus comes to take him home. So to make mark of his life, to help heal and understand, to help cope, and to maybe help others, I dedicate this site to my son Maxson Linwood Hagen. I pray this site will honor my son and show that he has life; I also pray above all that Max's life will bring glory to God and that I may have a chance to witness the purpose God has placed on Max's life.

I want to explain where we are at as much for you as I do for us.......

Dustin and I have tried for a few years now to become parents we were able to accomplish this by using fertility last April we found out we were expecting...Maxson Linwood was wanted, desired, planned, dreamed of, longed for, and already loved even before some consider him to have a life. The beginning of the pregnancy was great I was sometimes gitty with excitement about the life that was continuing to grow inside of me. The name Maxson was decided if it was a boy, as my instinct led me to believe. I truly believed I had gone through the valley, as the fertility was very difficult but now I am learning that is not how God works.

In July I started counting down the weeks then days until the ultra sound, that in my mind would just let us know the sex. On August 3 at 19 weeks we excitedly had our ultra sound. Dustin stood next to me and my biggest worry was if they would be able to see what sex the baby was. We found out...no, actually we saw Max; we were so incredibly joyful and excited to have a son. The woman who was reading our ultra sound excused herself and we were left in the room for a while feeling so full of joy...now in hindsight I wish I could have paused that moment or choose to not go further. Minutes later the radiologist came in he was concerned about Max's kidney and wanted to look over all of his measurements again. I was definitely shaken...I was brought down hard from the excitement of the prior minutes. He looked over everything taking an extremely long time and I felt he was seeing more than he was telling. I would ask him questions and get vague answers. We ended up leaving the ultra sound waiting to find answers the following day at my doctors office.

Oh that day seemed to go by like a week I remember praying that his kidney wouldn't be a big deal and that he would be just fine. I was worried but at that moment I didn't have a clue to what could be at stake. The next day we met with my doctor who is just an incredible, tender-hearted Christian lady, she laid all of the possible situations out...they all seemed grim but one she touched on seemed unbearable and the actual thought put me over the edge, I couldn't speak or hold back the tears. The best situation we were left with is that he may just have a kidney problem the worst situation was a chromosomal problem like trisomy 13 or 18. I had never heard of those before but she informed us that generally there is just comfort care for both, which just that thought shattered me.

The next step we were to take is to see a paleontologist in Minneapolis and a genetic counselor. We had to wait a little less than a week. During that time I grew very optimistic the hope that God gave me was just what I needed I don't know if I could have waited all that time without hope. We had the level 2 ultra sound and found that Max did have a tetralogy of fallot and two cysts on his brain along with the original finding of his kidney, they also found that he had one clubbed foot and clenched fists. The doctor told me this looked like it could be trisomy 18 but then reassured me that the odds of that were less than 10 percent. I tried to not be fearful, to trust in my faith that God would be here and would protect my son. After this appointment they had us meet with a genetic counselor who was not as positive, she really didn't want to give us any hope. She didn't agree with the doctor's odds and my spirit battled to not think about the possibility they were presenting. I had an intense emotional battle going on but the hope was winning... I kept praying and God kept answering by giving me hope. We had an amnio and left to await preliminary results that we would receive the following day. I continued to feel growing hope and comfort. It was a sad time but the chance of the veil of sadness being lifted and Max being okay out weighed the sadness.

I believe God is our supplier, I believe he is our helper, and I believe God is our everything. About a half hour before we received the phone call God took away my hope and gave me intuition (Job 19:36)...I new that it wouldn't be what we had hoped for, I had a difficult time breathing I actually think before the call I was having a bit of a panic attack, at least as close to having one than I have ever been. Dustin took the call I was waiting in the car with my mom who had as mother's instinct goes instinctively felt God tell her to come with us to Minneapolis. When he got in the car and said the words positive with trisomy 18. My world, my heart, my everything crumbled. Dustin and my mom held me, it poured rain outside and through all this I heard God's voice more clearly than I had ever had in the past. Through the crumbling walls around me and emotional pain so deep I couldn't begin to describe it in words I felt God clearly say, "I am here". I heard him clearly but the thoughts I was dealing with and the emotions so raw that I just let sobs come and scattered thoughts carry my mind. We drove home then leaving Minneapolis at 3 pm and arriving home at 2 am. The drive was such a blur, I hadn't even begun to process what reality we were in.

Over the next few days the emails we received from friends and family were so comforting, I became obsessed with learning about trisomy 18 and reading stories of those who had been down this road or who were on it. I will try to post an email I sent out to those who were praying and who's email addresses we had. I wrote the email six days after we found out, it actually helped me a great deal to write it, I felt the holy spirit teaching me through my own writing. The morning that I wrote it I awoke feeling peace above all understanding (Philippians 4:7) and the presense of Jesus there comforting me...I know it was an answer to all those who had been lifting us up in prayer. I earnestly thank all who have, and who will continue to pray for us, you are our WARRIORS in a time of great prayer need!

Maxson is now a t18 baby and that may change how we look at the future. We are actually learning the true meaning of living today for today but it does not in any way, shape, or form take an ounce of love that we have for him away. It actually makes me relish in the small ways to love him all the more...taking prenatal vitamins has a whole new meaning I feel a great deal of love behind it each time I swallow them. His kicks... hearing his heartbeat, everything has taken on so much more meaning. I just hold my stomach in such a different way...I hold it now loving him now, before I would hold my stomach dreaming of the future and not taking joy in the very moment of holding my stomach...which now is holding my son Max. So at this moment I am 24 weeks pregnant with the cutest baby ever growing inside me, I may be a little biased but he is. I have days where I feel so peaceful, thankful, and joyful and then I have days where the sadness and pain is there no matter how I fight it. Hi's and low's I feel is my new path of feelings for a long time right now I am just learning and praying...it's all I can do.

We are walking this road God has given to us...trying to understand what God wants us to learn, I will share with you in the journey as much as possible because I do believe God knew Max, he knew his name before he was even knitted in my womb (Psalms 139:13-16). As his mother I want him to bring glory to God and I know God is going to teach us great wisdom and understanding by going down this road with him. Please always feel free to email us at crew4him@gmail.com, we have enjoyed and been comforted by all the emails we have received thus far. For anyone who doesn't know what trisomy 18 is please check out the following website it will give you an understanding of just what road we are walking.

www.trisomy18.org

thanks for all the continued prayers
love,
Trish