"Time heals all" I don't know if this will ever apply to a parent that has lost a child at any age.
Time does help the pain ease. I guess the pain is just filled with more smiles, and the time between the really hard ache in my soul and the sweet peace that fills my heart seems to be longer.
My sister said she couldn't imagine losing a child, my thoughts back to this, I too could never imagine losing another child. Perspective, it's all relative...sadly this is true, well maybe for a good reason.
Time flew by when I was pregnant, by God's grace at the time, now I wish it would have lasted much longer. Time since Maxson was born has creeped by. I don't know how or what can change the perspective of time so much. All I know is when you lose a part of you, you crave heaven SO much more. Maybe this is why time goes so slow, like when I was little and looked forward to a vacation or something fun, the time leading up to it would then go by so much slower.
Time being the essence of my thoughts tonight, I will leave you with a great quote and a truthful verse.
“Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.”
Henry Van Dyke
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
Psalms 62:8
1.30.2009
1.23.2009
Memories
Here I am writing again...I actually have been journaling privately. Writing is incredibly healing and here in the internet world you all add to that healing.
Someone's blog has a quote that I love, the following is paraphrased: life is not measured by days or time its measured by moments. Not exactly the words but I can't remember the exact quote... Anyway, I'm sure if you think back on your life you will see this is so true.
I want to start by a quick re-visit of all my pregnant moments...quickly I promise.
Beginning of April, I was on my fourth fertility cycle (lack of better words), day fourteen. I woke up extremely early, about 5 am. My boobs hurt and I felt cramps coming on...I was sure I was getting my period. This was a difficult battle, the waiting game of trying with a medical team behind you. I would have 14-16 days between each try of waiting to pee on the stick or for my time of the month to arrive, just to start the waiting period all over again. Timing was everything and it was measured by ultra sounds, pills, shots, and i.e. (insemination). Patience grew and I still believe my faith grew in abundance through this time. Even though at the time I thought I was in the lowest valley I would have to go through.
Alright, back to the prego stick. Five in the morning on a beautiful April day, I learned I would be expecting our much prayed for boy, Maxson. I was only 14 days pregnant and I knew! When I first saw the "pregnant" word (digital stick the only way to go), my knees hit the floor. I thanked God and love to revisit the joy that surged my body. Waking Dust up to share such great news will never leave my memory. Calling family at the break of dawn was for sure one of the best tells EVER! I miss that crazy amount of joy that I only believe a child of your own can bring.
Later that day Dust and I went and purchased Max's first hat and mitten set from Target. The hat said "our lil peanut", it was yellow. Cause it was our first purchase for our lil boy, I did place the hat in Max's coffin with him. Really not where I thought I would be putting it at the time.
The rest of the time between 14 days and 19 and 1/2 weeks was spent enjoying all of the pregnancy ups and tiny set backs. Many days spent dreaming of what our baby was going to be like. Time spent thinking on how I was going to try my hardest to be a great mom, and how my body was changing faster than I expected. And lots of praying for my baby. I prayed really hard that Heaven would be our son's eternal destination (this has been answered, too soon!!). Of course I prayed he would be healthy, but really it was not on my mind even a little bit that he wouldn't be. I dreamed, prayed, and waited with joy until week twenty...
For this time in my life you can go to the first few posts on this blog to give you the all those moments. Just a couple of memories that come alive when I think on that time are. Dust telling me the test was positive for trisomy 18, God telling me he would be there. The 11 hour car ride home filled with tears, hopelessness, anger, fear, doubt, song, despair, confusion, and tons of pain. The following days and months I found hope, joy, and peace. I can't explain... I have never before held hope and joy with pain and despair at the same time. And looking back and even now, I do.
See Maxson has more memories than I was giving credit to. I knew I had Max from day 14 and I gave him back holding him at 37 weeks, one day, two hours, and 44 minutes.
with love,
Trish
more memories of Max's time with us to come!
Someone's blog has a quote that I love, the following is paraphrased: life is not measured by days or time its measured by moments. Not exactly the words but I can't remember the exact quote... Anyway, I'm sure if you think back on your life you will see this is so true.
I want to start by a quick re-visit of all my pregnant moments...quickly I promise.
Beginning of April, I was on my fourth fertility cycle (lack of better words), day fourteen. I woke up extremely early, about 5 am. My boobs hurt and I felt cramps coming on...I was sure I was getting my period. This was a difficult battle, the waiting game of trying with a medical team behind you. I would have 14-16 days between each try of waiting to pee on the stick or for my time of the month to arrive, just to start the waiting period all over again. Timing was everything and it was measured by ultra sounds, pills, shots, and i.e. (insemination). Patience grew and I still believe my faith grew in abundance through this time. Even though at the time I thought I was in the lowest valley I would have to go through.
Alright, back to the prego stick. Five in the morning on a beautiful April day, I learned I would be expecting our much prayed for boy, Maxson. I was only 14 days pregnant and I knew! When I first saw the "pregnant" word (digital stick the only way to go), my knees hit the floor. I thanked God and love to revisit the joy that surged my body. Waking Dust up to share such great news will never leave my memory. Calling family at the break of dawn was for sure one of the best tells EVER! I miss that crazy amount of joy that I only believe a child of your own can bring.
Later that day Dust and I went and purchased Max's first hat and mitten set from Target. The hat said "our lil peanut", it was yellow. Cause it was our first purchase for our lil boy, I did place the hat in Max's coffin with him. Really not where I thought I would be putting it at the time.
The rest of the time between 14 days and 19 and 1/2 weeks was spent enjoying all of the pregnancy ups and tiny set backs. Many days spent dreaming of what our baby was going to be like. Time spent thinking on how I was going to try my hardest to be a great mom, and how my body was changing faster than I expected. And lots of praying for my baby. I prayed really hard that Heaven would be our son's eternal destination (this has been answered, too soon!!). Of course I prayed he would be healthy, but really it was not on my mind even a little bit that he wouldn't be. I dreamed, prayed, and waited with joy until week twenty...
For this time in my life you can go to the first few posts on this blog to give you the all those moments. Just a couple of memories that come alive when I think on that time are. Dust telling me the test was positive for trisomy 18, God telling me he would be there. The 11 hour car ride home filled with tears, hopelessness, anger, fear, doubt, song, despair, confusion, and tons of pain. The following days and months I found hope, joy, and peace. I can't explain... I have never before held hope and joy with pain and despair at the same time. And looking back and even now, I do.
See Maxson has more memories than I was giving credit to. I knew I had Max from day 14 and I gave him back holding him at 37 weeks, one day, two hours, and 44 minutes.
with love,
Trish
more memories of Max's time with us to come!
1.16.2009
Thank you
I really want to share with you what has been given to us, not just the love that has been shared by strangers... but the items given in memory of our sweet son, that have been sent to us by some we have never met in person. There love so inspires me and I have such a thankful heart for everything I have received. I can't tell you enough how I am blown away by the love strangers have shown us.
Not strangers anymore. I have many new friends.
Beautiful artwork, an amazing necklace, many wonderful cards, a kit from string of pearls (that allowed me to cast Maxson's hand). A poem and a beautiful engraved ornament, and just tons of thoughtful emails and comments. I thank God for all of you and thank you for your support for us and our strong baby Maxson Linwood.
I am praying now if we should let the blog rest in Max's memory, a part of me feels I've said and shared my boy. And I didn't set out for this blog to be about anything other than God's plan for our son's life and to share the love we had for Max. While I know Maxson lives on, and his love has touched many... It just seems I need to pray that sharing the grief side is what this is about too. If that makes any sense?
I wouldn't trade the pain I feel for not having Maxson. Even now as my soul aches and I long for my baby, I feel incredibly blessed to be here. I love you all.
with love,
Max's mommy
Not strangers anymore. I have many new friends.
Beautiful artwork, an amazing necklace, many wonderful cards, a kit from string of pearls (that allowed me to cast Maxson's hand). A poem and a beautiful engraved ornament, and just tons of thoughtful emails and comments. I thank God for all of you and thank you for your support for us and our strong baby Maxson Linwood.
I am praying now if we should let the blog rest in Max's memory, a part of me feels I've said and shared my boy. And I didn't set out for this blog to be about anything other than God's plan for our son's life and to share the love we had for Max. While I know Maxson lives on, and his love has touched many... It just seems I need to pray that sharing the grief side is what this is about too. If that makes any sense?
I wouldn't trade the pain I feel for not having Maxson. Even now as my soul aches and I long for my baby, I feel incredibly blessed to be here. I love you all.
with love,
Max's mommy
1.13.2009
Magdalena Grace Roberts
Please pray for Noah and Julie today, they had to say goodbye to their beautiful baby girl Magdalena.
I feel so sad they had to, but I know Maxson was in the welcoming crowd for their sweet girl:) Not much to say other than, please ask God to give them peace and comfort today.
Tears,
Max' mommy
I feel so sad they had to, but I know Maxson was in the welcoming crowd for their sweet girl:) Not much to say other than, please ask God to give them peace and comfort today.
Tears,
Max' mommy
1.08.2009
A beautiful Love Story
First post for the new year! I want this post to bring some hope in what is to come this year rather than the doom and gloom that surrounds us!
Dust and I have had a turbulent beginning to 2009, I can't go into really why...but I can say that "when it rains it pours" has never reigned more true. One thing after another and I have been to the bottom and now, I'm on the up swing. Maxson my angel, it brings to mind such comfort, joy, and lots of tears! My soul aches and I'm learning that's okay. By having Maxson in my life, I feel more for those suffering around me more than ever! Maxson's sweet life changed me more than I EVER expected and it continues to. What a blessing Max IS! Although from here out my soul will experience pain I never knew before, I will also have more empathy than I knew was possible. With that I know I will reach out to those around me more. So Maxson lives on, without saying a word of kindness to anyone, he has and will spread love. I know some people don't leave behind such love in a lifetime. God really designed one of the most beautiful "LOVE STORIES" I have ever known by Maxson Linwood's life.
Now to lay out the plan for my next post. I love when all the blogs I follow use pictures, plus I want to tell you all and show you all the wonderful momentous blog readers have given to us. The outreach from women I don't even know has NOT just given me comfort it has inspired me! I want to share that with you. This can only be done with pictures, so I will get to it soon. I really think some of you will be in awe of the love some of the sisters in Christ out there show. Just read the comments and you will understand the amazing love people are willing to give and share with others. I know I am singing to the choir blog friend, but I can't stop thinking about how I want you ALL to know your love has been incredibly moving!
with love,
Trish
Note: some new songs added, go to the bottom of the page if it doesn't automatically play or if you want to play a new song.
Dust and I have had a turbulent beginning to 2009, I can't go into really why...but I can say that "when it rains it pours" has never reigned more true. One thing after another and I have been to the bottom and now, I'm on the up swing. Maxson my angel, it brings to mind such comfort, joy, and lots of tears! My soul aches and I'm learning that's okay. By having Maxson in my life, I feel more for those suffering around me more than ever! Maxson's sweet life changed me more than I EVER expected and it continues to. What a blessing Max IS! Although from here out my soul will experience pain I never knew before, I will also have more empathy than I knew was possible. With that I know I will reach out to those around me more. So Maxson lives on, without saying a word of kindness to anyone, he has and will spread love. I know some people don't leave behind such love in a lifetime. God really designed one of the most beautiful "LOVE STORIES" I have ever known by Maxson Linwood's life.
Now to lay out the plan for my next post. I love when all the blogs I follow use pictures, plus I want to tell you all and show you all the wonderful momentous blog readers have given to us. The outreach from women I don't even know has NOT just given me comfort it has inspired me! I want to share that with you. This can only be done with pictures, so I will get to it soon. I really think some of you will be in awe of the love some of the sisters in Christ out there show. Just read the comments and you will understand the amazing love people are willing to give and share with others. I know I am singing to the choir blog friend, but I can't stop thinking about how I want you ALL to know your love has been incredibly moving!
with love,
Trish
Note: some new songs added, go to the bottom of the page if it doesn't automatically play or if you want to play a new song.
12.29.2008
Why?
Since we started this road in August I have been going to God with why. Why us? Why my baby? Why, why, why? This hasn't been answered. This is where the faith has been learned, to have faith in something I cannot understand. And a deal that has mereeling with emotions that have driven me to question God's love for me. To say I haven't wondered if he really loves me would be a big fat lie. I do everyday. I fight the feeling of being abandoned and at times hated by God.
The faith I have, have now, is shaken but not broken. There is not an ounce of me that doesn't believe and love Jesus and have such a faith in God for saving us through Christ. But there are times when "why" just breaks me, actually at least everyday, at some point. It's probably part of the grieving process.
Now before you shut your laptop feeling I am just the most depressing thing ever...Everyday I feel I have had some ordeal happen that tears me apart about the loss we have to learn to live with. Sad, yes and seems unfair. ALSO, everyday something happens that can only be explained as God cares, he's here, this plan is his.
Writing through this right now is my way to find my way through these at times, blinding emotions, after writing some happenings they always seem to become clear. So for what I am going to write now...(deep breath) I will change the name (privacy).
But please know this is my dearest friend and she has been there for me and been a great support. I love her with all my heart. And through all the pain I feel in everything right now I am truly happy for her.
Well, yesterday I found out she is pregnant. Which when I heard hit me out of left field. Not that I didn't know it was possible but the last thing I expected was the emotions it stirred the following day, today. Right off the bat I felt my heart bleed.
Cameron (not a real name) I do feel genuinely happy for you, I know your gonna be a wonderful mom, one others will wish they had!! I just had to cross this bridge at some point. I'm not going to go into the sad emotions it drove up as I'm sure that's semi-understood. Another note, I am going to want to hear about all the moments you have through this pregnancy and I have some great books for you too. I hope this pain I have to go through doesn't bring down any of the joy you feel. Please know I just have to feel this. I haven't called as I hope this kills the awkwardness that would have been our conversation.
Now for the part where God answered the doubts all that came down on me. I opened this book my cousin gave me "Grieving the Child I never knew" and randomly read two parts, it was all I needed to feel comfort today.
"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in the mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all THINGS" Ecclesiastes 11:5
"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Matthew 10:29-31
with love,
Maxson's mom
The faith I have, have now, is shaken but not broken. There is not an ounce of me that doesn't believe and love Jesus and have such a faith in God for saving us through Christ. But there are times when "why" just breaks me, actually at least everyday, at some point. It's probably part of the grieving process.
Now before you shut your laptop feeling I am just the most depressing thing ever...Everyday I feel I have had some ordeal happen that tears me apart about the loss we have to learn to live with. Sad, yes and seems unfair. ALSO, everyday something happens that can only be explained as God cares, he's here, this plan is his.
Writing through this right now is my way to find my way through these at times, blinding emotions, after writing some happenings they always seem to become clear. So for what I am going to write now...(deep breath) I will change the name (privacy).
But please know this is my dearest friend and she has been there for me and been a great support. I love her with all my heart. And through all the pain I feel in everything right now I am truly happy for her.
Well, yesterday I found out she is pregnant. Which when I heard hit me out of left field. Not that I didn't know it was possible but the last thing I expected was the emotions it stirred the following day, today. Right off the bat I felt my heart bleed.
Cameron (not a real name) I do feel genuinely happy for you, I know your gonna be a wonderful mom, one others will wish they had!! I just had to cross this bridge at some point. I'm not going to go into the sad emotions it drove up as I'm sure that's semi-understood. Another note, I am going to want to hear about all the moments you have through this pregnancy and I have some great books for you too. I hope this pain I have to go through doesn't bring down any of the joy you feel. Please know I just have to feel this. I haven't called as I hope this kills the awkwardness that would have been our conversation.
Now for the part where God answered the doubts all that came down on me. I opened this book my cousin gave me "Grieving the Child I never knew" and randomly read two parts, it was all I needed to feel comfort today.
"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in the mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all THINGS" Ecclesiastes 11:5
"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Matthew 10:29-31
with love,
Maxson's mom
12.28.2008
Prayers
Please pray for Nicole, Chad, and now there sweet angel Dylan James. He was
born this morning and went to be with Jesus this afternoon. I know how
amazing yet difficult this day is. Their link is on the Angel list.
My heart breaks for them, its so hard to know they have to be on this road now. Please pray God gives them abundant strength and peace. That Chad has the strength to grieve but yet be strong when Nicole needs to lean on him. And that the rest of today will just be more joyous memories with their sweet baby.
with love,
trish
born this morning and went to be with Jesus this afternoon. I know how
amazing yet difficult this day is. Their link is on the Angel list.
My heart breaks for them, its so hard to know they have to be on this road now. Please pray God gives them abundant strength and peace. That Chad has the strength to grieve but yet be strong when Nicole needs to lean on him. And that the rest of today will just be more joyous memories with their sweet baby.
with love,
trish
12.25.2008
Merry Christmas
I wanted to write today. I knew I wanted to write today weeks ago. Being that today is Christ's birthday and the original day for Maxson's birthday, I just knew it was fitting to write something.
I would be lying if I said I feel joyous and full of the Christmas spirit. This is the first post where I have no desire to cheer myself up through writing. I want to share my tears with you. If you have followed Max's blog you know I wanted him home today. More than anything I wanted him here, if just for today. The only outfit I bought after finding out about Maxson's future in August was a tiny Christmas outfit. And it kills me today that he didn't get to wear it. I hate that I have to feel this sad on a day that was meant and has always been meant for happiness.
An African Missionary told me a while ago that going through this allows me to empathize with what God went through by sacrificing his son for us. Because God went through this incredible pain, I am able to see and hold my son again. As usually this fact makes me feel better, today the cloud of what could have been just won't pass.
I pray that if I have future Christmas (not guarenteed tomorrow) celebrations I am able to feel the spirit of it all again. I pray that God will bless me with dreams of my sweet Son as I covet this so much right now. I pray that I am able to be a happy wife and daughter again. I pray for all the other moms in the same pain as myself today, my heart just drops thinking of them. I pray for strength for my husband and family. I need them to be strong! I pray that I can through this, actually that Max's life can show all of you how truly blessed we are to have a Saviour and to have the sacrifice God made, the free eternal gift.
Last night on the way to Christmas Eve Service I thought about how shortly after we found out about Maxson we met with the pastor of our church. It was before I started this blog. I told the pastor about this deep desire more like passion burning to share my son's life. I wanted his life to have meaning, for people to know he was here and know his name. I had some hope that Max's story and beautiful life would affect people. Now, I thank God as I do see and get to hear of some of the ways Max's life meant something to others and even made changes in some. So many love him and that means so much, I feel so blessed to feel the love people have for Maxson.
I will close with a thought, if I, being a sinful human wanted my son's life to mean something, for people to know him, and for his life to have a positive impact on others...how much more does God want Jesus's life to mean something to us. I don't just mearly want people to agree Max existed, I want people to love him and to know as much as possible about him. By this I now understand a little better God's deep desire for us to KNOW his son!!
Merry Christmas,
Trish
Max's Mommy
I would be lying if I said I feel joyous and full of the Christmas spirit. This is the first post where I have no desire to cheer myself up through writing. I want to share my tears with you. If you have followed Max's blog you know I wanted him home today. More than anything I wanted him here, if just for today. The only outfit I bought after finding out about Maxson's future in August was a tiny Christmas outfit. And it kills me today that he didn't get to wear it. I hate that I have to feel this sad on a day that was meant and has always been meant for happiness.
An African Missionary told me a while ago that going through this allows me to empathize with what God went through by sacrificing his son for us. Because God went through this incredible pain, I am able to see and hold my son again. As usually this fact makes me feel better, today the cloud of what could have been just won't pass.
I pray that if I have future Christmas (not guarenteed tomorrow) celebrations I am able to feel the spirit of it all again. I pray that God will bless me with dreams of my sweet Son as I covet this so much right now. I pray that I am able to be a happy wife and daughter again. I pray for all the other moms in the same pain as myself today, my heart just drops thinking of them. I pray for strength for my husband and family. I need them to be strong! I pray that I can through this, actually that Max's life can show all of you how truly blessed we are to have a Saviour and to have the sacrifice God made, the free eternal gift.
Last night on the way to Christmas Eve Service I thought about how shortly after we found out about Maxson we met with the pastor of our church. It was before I started this blog. I told the pastor about this deep desire more like passion burning to share my son's life. I wanted his life to have meaning, for people to know he was here and know his name. I had some hope that Max's story and beautiful life would affect people. Now, I thank God as I do see and get to hear of some of the ways Max's life meant something to others and even made changes in some. So many love him and that means so much, I feel so blessed to feel the love people have for Maxson.
I will close with a thought, if I, being a sinful human wanted my son's life to mean something, for people to know him, and for his life to have a positive impact on others...how much more does God want Jesus's life to mean something to us. I don't just mearly want people to agree Max existed, I want people to love him and to know as much as possible about him. By this I now understand a little better God's deep desire for us to KNOW his son!!
Merry Christmas,
Trish
Max's Mommy
12.19.2008
Thank you Maxson
Today was my plan. To have Maxson today and then to bring him home to spend Christmas with us. I had decided... in my mind sometime after Christmas would be the time Max went to be with Jesus. It was my plan my hope.
Obviously, not so. Not my plan.
I really didn't count fully on everything I had on the plan, but I did put so much of my hope in it. My "hope". My hope has always been on whats going to happen here, in my life. Where we will be in five, ten years. I never truly set my hope on a heavenly home. I never really understood or knew how to not set my hope on this world.
Now I have all my hope on a Savior, on an eternal home after this stop, on more than what this world can give or this stop will bring me. Presently, I don't have a plan...scary, I will admit that seems wrong. But I don't think it is wrong, not that I wont be planning, but my hope will not be set in my plans in my dreams here.
Maxson taught us more about the three most important things (faith, hope, and love) than I could've imagined. When we first found out Max had trisomy 18, dreams crashed and our faith was smashed down and twisted (tested).
Our faith grew beyond what I can express. We learned to lean on God and have faith in his plan not ours. To trust his plan and trust the promises he DID make to all of us. The love we felt and had the privilege to experience was amazing. I have so much love for Max my heart seems to burst with love. Also the love I have for others has grown. Strangers melt my heart and my heart breaks so much easier for those around me. Love has more meaning than I felt before, my faith has a strength I didn't know existed. And now my hope is set on what WILL BE!!!
That's all thanks to this amazing lil boy, who shaped his mom and dad and others for where he would go first!!! I can't tell you enough how much I miss him. Sometimes so much I don't feel I can go on.
I hate that I have to miss him. But I love that I had the experience to know him.
I love you Maxson,
Mom
12.15.2008
Tribute video for the life of our son
Please click on Max's Video below to watch. We played it at his celebration service. Max's song from Songs of Love is the second song.
Max's Video
Max's Video
12.14.2008
Max's Celebration Service
Maxson Linwood Hagen, what a dignified, strong, and purposed name. I may be biased cause I named him, but his name to me means a lot. I always wanted a Max I dreamed of my son Max for years, Linwood is my fathers middle name coming from his grandfather's name. To see his name on all the cards and other mementos from his celebration just meant so much. I loved opening cards with his name spread across the envelope, I am going to miss seeing other people's writing of his name.
His service was beautiful. When I woke up yesterday I was feeling so hurt and sad. I thought the funeral was going to be so difficult, it was going to finalize his passing and that hurt. I planned and wanted it to be a celebration but yesterday morning it didn't feel that it would be for me.
It wasn't though, it was so perfect.
Waking up to an extreme blizzard had me asking God, why? Why God? Are you kidding, I wanted people to be able to come and for them to see God's beauty through Max's beauty. And the storm seemed like a big damper for anyone to turn out. Plus, with 30 below weather the burial was going to be cut short and that saddened me. Anyway, I was once again touched by God's divine plan, not mine. People made it, maybe not as many that would have, but I know there was some that were there because of the weather. Sports were canceled and peoples travel plans were canceled, so there were some people there that would not have attended had the blizzard not been here.
The burial was short but the people that came to stand with us in 30 below weather touched me. I didn't expect anyone besides my immediate family to come because of the bitter cold. But so many came, I felt bad for them as I thought I was going to freeze to death. But it was so touching they did.
I will post a video of his service later this week or link to you tube with it.
I felt so much peace and now I understand the closure that a funeral brings, that a person needs. Not that I have closed this chapter, that may never happen, but I felt a letting go, an ability to say goodbye Max, for awhile. Granted late last night all the pain started coming up again. But all day yesterday I felt so peaceful and I even felt happiness for the first time since Max's birth. Thank you all, because of you, I have been lifted up again and again. God's peace keeps finding me and Jesus is carrying me through...I feel it!! I felt Jesus at Max's celebration and I believe Max was there watching.
Tomorrow, I will also post some pics of Max's celebration service. I do want to leave you with a letter that my husband read at Max's celebration service from the both of us.
Dear Maxson,
You were with us here for about 37 weeks and 1 day, in that short time you made more impact on this world than many make in a lifetime. Not only did your sweet time here on earth touch people around the world, it also changed your mom and I forever. We had a long talk the other night and realized how we will never be the same again. Not just because we will always long for you in our arms and desire heaven more now than ever; but because you taught us more about faith, hope, and love than either of us could have ever known without you.
I can’t believe how strong you are Max, I felt you kick in your mom’s tummy so many times, and then when you entered this world… you fought so hard. You have the heart of a champion son, and your mom’s strong will.
Because of exactly who you are, it humbles me to know I’m your Dad. What an honor Max, we are so proud.
Although we have felt the loss of a lifetime we would not trade the time we had with you for anything. I am confident that we will hold you again, it’s just the time that we have left here, that separates us from you. We look forward to that day Max.
We love you,
Mom and Dad
12.12.2008
A thousand words...
If a picture says a thousand words then this picture speaks volumes... Besides showing the beauty that Maxson possesses, it clearly displays the fight in his eyes and to me there is just so much behind his sweet eyes. I can't find the words... all I know is that he has such a special glimmer in those eyes, I will keep that with me forever. This picture was taken shortly after he was born, they actually just got him breathing before this was taken. I know newborns can't see very far but he was looking directly at me. Max was about 6 to 7 feet from me and his gaze was set directly on me.
Oh, I love and miss my baby so much. I don't know how this deep longing for him will ever let up.
God bless,
Max's mommy
12.10.2008
Angel
This coming Saturday we will be celebrating Maxson's life at New Hope Church. The service will be at 11am with a lunch to follow. It has been such a heavy thought to go through with this day, one, it signifies another milestone of his passing, two I want it to be perfect, and three while I want to celebrate there is that part of me that deeply mourns the loss of my sweet son...with all that laid out, tonight I received the pictures back from the photographers (Gabriel and Carin Photography) they are just beautiful, more than I imagined them to be. I will add some every post and will share most of them on Saturday at Max's service. Receiving these pictures eased most all of the burden Saturday was feeling to be. Now I feel I am ready to share and celebrate his life with everyone! For cards please send to PO Box 230 Williston, ND 58802. In lieu of flowers please consider donating in Max's name to a organization on our side bar.
I never thought this would hurt so badly. I really thought by knowing his time would be short would ease the pain in it...No, not even a bit. The pain comes on in waves at times my chest aches so deeply, and I long for him so bad I feel ill. I feel peace at times and other times I feel such despair, I know I have to walk through this part and I know there's no designated finish line. I just pray that God continues to carry me. Without the feeling of peace that Max is in a better place plus that fact that we will be reunited, I just don't know how I would continue. As living right now even with that hope can be so painful. So please pray for Dust and me, all your prayers thus far have been felt.
I did not bring Maxson home, I may not ever know why that wasn't God's plan. I do know Maxson was struggling at the end and I told him it was okay to go be with Jesus. It would have been so much harder to bring him home and watch him struggle to breath like he was. Once I whispered that into Max's ear he seemed to let go, I saw it in his eyes. He stared into my eyes and went home in my arms. So, figuratively speaking I did bring him home, Jesus just met me and carried Max the rest of the way. Now my sweet Angel is in heaven with a wonderful Grandma and great-grandparents, plus a wonderful Aunt. I know they are all fighting over him!
Dustin has been my rock, my family has stuck by my side and lifted me up again and again, friend have been there in such special ways, and even people I don't know that well have been so kind, some bringing food. This food thing is just awesome cause it's difficult to cook in this state and I would hate that burden to be on my Mom as she is also grieving. I am going to just post a list sometime of all the wonderful things people have done for me and my family. God bless you and thank you.
I will leave you with some pics of the cutest baby boy ever!!!!
Forever in our hearts, we love you Angel!
I never thought this would hurt so badly. I really thought by knowing his time would be short would ease the pain in it...No, not even a bit. The pain comes on in waves at times my chest aches so deeply, and I long for him so bad I feel ill. I feel peace at times and other times I feel such despair, I know I have to walk through this part and I know there's no designated finish line. I just pray that God continues to carry me. Without the feeling of peace that Max is in a better place plus that fact that we will be reunited, I just don't know how I would continue. As living right now even with that hope can be so painful. So please pray for Dust and me, all your prayers thus far have been felt.
I did not bring Maxson home, I may not ever know why that wasn't God's plan. I do know Maxson was struggling at the end and I told him it was okay to go be with Jesus. It would have been so much harder to bring him home and watch him struggle to breath like he was. Once I whispered that into Max's ear he seemed to let go, I saw it in his eyes. He stared into my eyes and went home in my arms. So, figuratively speaking I did bring him home, Jesus just met me and carried Max the rest of the way. Now my sweet Angel is in heaven with a wonderful Grandma and great-grandparents, plus a wonderful Aunt. I know they are all fighting over him!
Dustin has been my rock, my family has stuck by my side and lifted me up again and again, friend have been there in such special ways, and even people I don't know that well have been so kind, some bringing food. This food thing is just awesome cause it's difficult to cook in this state and I would hate that burden to be on my Mom as she is also grieving. I am going to just post a list sometime of all the wonderful things people have done for me and my family. God bless you and thank you.
I will leave you with some pics of the cutest baby boy ever!!!!
Forever in our hearts, we love you Angel!
12.09.2008
Oops!
I wanted to clear up a mistake I had made. String of Pearls foundation had an incorrect link on my side bar. I have corrected it and the correct address is stringofpearlsonline.org.
This foundation has been such a blessing and I feel just awful that I had the wrong address and link listed. Please check out the correct link as Laura the founder has such a special purpose to help those who have and will walk this journey.
This foundation has been such a blessing and I feel just awful that I had the wrong address and link listed. Please check out the correct link as Laura the founder has such a special purpose to help those who have and will walk this journey.
We're Home
This morning we left the hospital and went straight to the funeral home to see Max....it was pretty tough. We could not stay long because Trish was not feeling well, but are going to go back in tomorrow. I am looking forward to sleeping in our own bed tonight instead of a hospital recliner.
We are planning on having a "Celebration of Life" service on Saturday, 12/13 at 11am. This will be held at New Hope Church in Williston, ND. Details of everything still need to be worked out.
Please pray that this day will honor our son and bring glory to God, also that Trish is feeling better by Saturday, as she is hurting pretty bad physically and emotionally.
For Friends and Family that want to come from afar we will find you a place to rest your head, our home is open along with other friends and family members that live here.
In lieu of flowers we would rather you make a donation in Max's name to a nonprofit organization listed on the side bar such as, String of Pearls, Songs of Love, NILMDTS.org.
God Bless,
Dustin
ps - i will post more pictures tomorrow.
We are planning on having a "Celebration of Life" service on Saturday, 12/13 at 11am. This will be held at New Hope Church in Williston, ND. Details of everything still need to be worked out.
Please pray that this day will honor our son and bring glory to God, also that Trish is feeling better by Saturday, as she is hurting pretty bad physically and emotionally.
For Friends and Family that want to come from afar we will find you a place to rest your head, our home is open along with other friends and family members that live here.
In lieu of flowers we would rather you make a donation in Max's name to a nonprofit organization listed on the side bar such as, String of Pearls, Songs of Love, NILMDTS.org.
God Bless,
Dustin
ps - i will post more pictures tomorrow.
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