First sorry about the Christmas post, yes it was an accident I wasn't trying to sound melodramatic or make you wonder for my sanity, I really started it and had to stop and didn't know I posted. That was until I started receiving some comments and emails, so sorry to have been short on words actually I have been short on time. I just finished designing a catalog for the company I work for and that took me some time, we traveled to MN for Dust's meetings and some friend time, then back MN for Christmas, so not too much time in between there.
Well Christmas came and went with a sigh of relief from me and I'm sure a whole lot of others out there grieving someone. I did put a stocking up for Maxson with his name on it, but other than that he wasn't really mentioned by any family over the holidays. Sounds like that bothers me, huh? But honestly it doesn't, I get it, it sucks to bring it up to know when to say when not to say, just easier to not say anything. Out of word out of mind (yes, I know that's not how it goes)and that works, for everyone but me. Anyhow, that's not what hurts the most, Maxson just not being here does, so I try to keep my pain in check. After all misdirected anger and pain just causes me more grief, just one of the many lessons taken over the past year. Speaking of the past year, really a year? It went by with out me realizing it. Thinking about it now I realize the first quarter of the year was spent in this grief fog, where time doesn't stand for much cause everyday it was just more of the same in just a different way, if that makes any sense. The second quarter I was trying to be me again, up and down roller coaster, who was that girl? Second quarter I was angry, man I was mad for a while. Some days I said "nope God no more let me out of this story, I quit". I had a horrible time being able to be in church without wanting to storm out or get up and tell the pastor a thing or two. Maybe it was delayed hormones I don't know. I came through that quarter with hope... somehow, I do get that the way things work, is above my understanding, as repeated in the Bible!! Sure, okay... hope led me to trying fertility again, second try and bam I was pregnant (bam is so far from the way pregnancy works in my world). Hope led me to miscarry, and thus began the cycle of everything again in a much quicker fashion. Last quarter was a repeat of the first two all jumbled up in one agonizing recap . With all that in 2009 I really want to have finish with some great wisdom from the year, some great new confidence, some wonderful feelings of hope, just something that will allow me to swallow everything a bit easier. So here is what I can reflect on:
ONE: I can sing with anger...umm better I can praise with anger. If you think this is no great feat then you have no idea what being mad at our Creator feels like.
TWO: I want to give to others for reasons I didn't before. I gave in the past but now I want to give for reasons that don't have anything to do with me. It has always felt great to give, sometimes I wonder if that's why I did. Now when I give all I can think about is how to carry someones load in any small way. To make it easier for them is now the key.
THREE: Trust in God. Hm mm I know I said I learned this through Max and I did but if you know me, I tend to have to learn things again and again, I'm not stupid just stubborn. His plan has been a hard pill to swallow the past four years, my life resembles nothing of how I would have painted this picture. But that is the point I AM NOT PAINTING THIS PICTURE! That is when trust becomes much easier to feel, His Plan feels a whole lot better to trust Him.
FOUR: God does not hate me. Well the evidence may be to contrary in this I believe; "Jesus loves me this I know"! How I got here...that road was too long to tell.
FIVE: God has truly given me some wonderful blessings. An amazing husband and at times the grace to see that he is, a warm home, food; usually whatever I feel in the mood to eat, a country where I can talk someones ear off about Jesus and not be arrested (I did not do that at my work Christmas party, wink, wink), a family who loves God and is not broken, friends and more friends, a dog who I love more every year. a son who I do get to meet again one day and that will be for, FOREVER, work that I love and some that I don't (the don't usually makes more money at the time), the desire to carry another child, with everything that I have come through sometimes I think I am insane to want to keep going, without the desire to raise a child I wouldn't be forging ahead...medically that is.
SIX: Grace. God has really given me so much that now I feel it is easier for me to give grace.
SEVEN: NO understanding. HA ha yes you read that correctly, I don't understand why everything has happened this year and why, and I am OKAY with not understanding. Yes this will be a lesson I have to learn over and over. I have heard a lot of people in the last year try to explain how God works or doesn't work. God is punishing...hmm really I can't swallow our God punishing many fine women I know with losing their children. If this is true I can point out many more who should have lost their children too. And really if God is love, really? That one bugs me.
Another one has been; God is not in this sinful world He doesn't have any control or say, you know freewill?... okay well I have been down to the bottom and when your down there and you make it out, you can NEVER say God is not in control. When you carry a life that is not made to stay here you get it, He has control. When you hand over your baby's physical body to a man you have never met knowing that your baby is now really not here you get it, He is in control. 'It' is just a feeling, I feel at my lowest, but a feeling that tells me I know He is. Alright so with both those very popular theories out, here is mine, coming through 2009 I don't understand. NO UNDERSTANDING as simple as that, we don't know how God works and we can't put His ways in a box and say, "see this is why this happened". Do I think God has taught me through this? sure. Do I think He has not stepped in? Duh. Do I think He has punished me? No. Guided me, directed me, tested me, disciplined me, of course He loves me, but is that why all this hardship has been going on? I don't think so cause really it may have nothing to even do with me.
EIGHT: CONT. from above. All bad that happens to me really is not all about me. I pray Maxson or my journey may place a seed in someone out there. A seed that eventually satisfies someones soul and thus adding another life to heaven. I do believe that is the most important matter here on earth.
NINE: When to pray and how. I am not saying I have learned when to pray and how, well I am a little. I know to get on my knees sometimes, I know sometimes the hardest prayers are the truest. After I miscarried I went into a severe downward spiral, I didn't pray...I couldn't pray I told God I was done praying. I physically felt I was pulling my heart along that is how heavy it felt. I told God I was done. At some point I began praying not in a typical way I am too stubborn for that. More like asking, complaining, yelling at God. Prayers like, "This is what you give when your children ask, you might as well have given me a snake. If you hate me fine hate me I will deal with it. You know my heart you know I love you and everything seems as though you hate me", Those words along with many other negative words were my prayers for a long time. I wasn't even admitting this was prayer cause that was how angry I was. Eventually God gave me Grace and I pulled through this time with the same and may be a bit stronger faith than when I entered. Looking back I realize I have learned how to pray better because 'when' is not in play any longer. I don't have to be in bed or at the table or even in church, I don't necessarily have to be on my knees. I have a prayer life now that is some days close to an all day prayer of being still and of words of both positive and negative.
TEN: It is 2010, I am alive and the grief over losing my son is still here but I laugh, I enjoy moments, I cry, I have hope for 2010, I can say 2009 wasn't with out gain.
I will post soon on Max's birthday I am just waiting to get the pictures of his cake back from my sister. It was a day that I expected to be pretty painful but wasn't. I cried a little but it wasn't agony like the days leading up to it. So thanks for the prayers and warm wishes on Max's day it all helped. FYI my grandma went to heaven the 4th, Maxson was born and left us the 5th, my sister Stephanie went to heaven the 3rd. December is the time to enter Heaven for our family funny how that has worked. Oh and my grandpa died on Christmas eve, see?