"Time heals all" I don't know if this will ever apply to a parent that has lost a child at any age.

Time does help the pain ease. I guess the pain is just filled with more smiles, and the time between the really hard ache in my soul and the sweet peace that fills my heart seems to be longer.

My sister said she couldn't imagine losing a child, my thoughts back to this, I too could never imagine losing another child. Perspective, it's all relative...sadly this is true, well maybe for a good reason.

Time flew by when I was pregnant, by God's grace at the time, now I wish it would have lasted much longer. Time since Maxson was born has creeped by. I don't know how or what can change the perspective of time so much. All I know is when you lose a part of you, you crave heaven SO much more. Maybe this is why time goes so slow, like when I was little and looked forward to a vacation or something fun, the time leading up to it would then go by so much slower.

Time being the essence of my thoughts tonight, I will leave you with a great quote and a truthful verse.

“Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.”
Henry Van Dyke

Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
Psalms 62:8



Here I am writing again...I actually have been journaling privately. Writing is incredibly healing and here in the internet world you all add to that healing.

Someone's blog has a quote that I love, the following is paraphrased: life is not measured by days or time its measured by moments. Not exactly the words but I can't remember the exact quote... Anyway, I'm sure if you think back on your life you will see this is so true.

I want to start by a quick re-visit of all my pregnant moments...quickly I promise.

Beginning of April, I was on my fourth fertility cycle (lack of better words), day fourteen. I woke up extremely early, about 5 am. My boobs hurt and I felt cramps coming on...I was sure I was getting my period. This was a difficult battle, the waiting game of trying with a medical team behind you. I would have 14-16 days between each try of waiting to pee on the stick or for my time of the month to arrive, just to start the waiting period all over again. Timing was everything and it was measured by ultra sounds, pills, shots, and i.e. (insemination). Patience grew and I still believe my faith grew in abundance through this time. Even though at the time I thought I was in the lowest valley I would have to go through.

Alright, back to the prego stick. Five in the morning on a beautiful April day, I learned I would be expecting our much prayed for boy, Maxson. I was only 14 days pregnant and I knew! When I first saw the "pregnant" word (digital stick the only way to go), my knees hit the floor. I thanked God and love to revisit the joy that surged my body. Waking Dust up to share such great news will never leave my memory. Calling family at the break of dawn was for sure one of the best tells EVER! I miss that crazy amount of joy that I only believe a child of your own can bring.

Later that day Dust and I went and purchased Max's first hat and mitten set from Target. The hat said "our lil peanut", it was yellow. Cause it was our first purchase for our lil boy, I did place the hat in Max's coffin with him. Really not where I thought I would be putting it at the time.

The rest of the time between 14 days and 19 and 1/2 weeks was spent enjoying all of the pregnancy ups and tiny set backs. Many days spent dreaming of what our baby was going to be like. Time spent thinking on how I was going to try my hardest to be a great mom, and how my body was changing faster than I expected. And lots of praying for my baby. I prayed really hard that Heaven would be our son's eternal destination (this has been answered, too soon!!). Of course I prayed he would be healthy, but really it was not on my mind even a little bit that he wouldn't be. I dreamed, prayed, and waited with joy until week twenty...

For this time in my life you can go to the first few posts on this blog to give you the all those moments. Just a couple of memories that come alive when I think on that time are. Dust telling me the test was positive for trisomy 18, God telling me he would be there. The 11 hour car ride home filled with tears, hopelessness, anger, fear, doubt, song, despair, confusion, and tons of pain. The following days and months I found hope, joy, and peace. I can't explain... I have never before held hope and joy with pain and despair at the same time. And looking back and even now, I do.

See Maxson has more memories than I was giving credit to. I knew I had Max from day 14 and I gave him back holding him at 37 weeks, one day, two hours, and 44 minutes.

with love,

more memories of Max's time with us to come!


Thank you

I really want to share with you what has been given to us, not just the love that has been shared by strangers... but the items given in memory of our sweet son, that have been sent to us by some we have never met in person. There love so inspires me and I have such a thankful heart for everything I have received. I can't tell you enough how I am blown away by the love strangers have shown us.

Not strangers anymore. I have many new friends.

Beautiful artwork, an amazing necklace, many wonderful cards, a kit from string of pearls (that allowed me to cast Maxson's hand). A poem and a beautiful engraved ornament, and just tons of thoughtful emails and comments. I thank God for all of you and thank you for your support for us and our strong baby Maxson Linwood.

I am praying now if we should let the blog rest in Max's memory, a part of me feels I've said and shared my boy. And I didn't set out for this blog to be about anything other than God's plan for our son's life and to share the love we had for Max. While I know Maxson lives on, and his love has touched many... It just seems I need to pray that sharing the grief side is what this is about too. If that makes any sense?

I wouldn't trade the pain I feel for not having Maxson. Even now as my soul aches and I long for my baby, I feel incredibly blessed to be here. I love you all.

with love,
Max's mommy


Magdalena Grace Roberts

Please pray for Noah and Julie today, they had to say goodbye to their beautiful baby girl Magdalena.

I feel so sad they had to, but I know Maxson was in the welcoming crowd for their sweet girl:) Not much to say other than, please ask God to give them peace and comfort today.

Max' mommy


A beautiful Love Story

First post for the new year! I want this post to bring some hope in what is to come this year rather than the doom and gloom that surrounds us!

Dust and I have had a turbulent beginning to 2009, I can't go into really why...but I can say that "when it rains it pours" has never reigned more true. One thing after another and I have been to the bottom and now, I'm on the up swing. Maxson my angel, it brings to mind such comfort, joy, and lots of tears! My soul aches and I'm learning that's okay. By having Maxson in my life, I feel more for those suffering around me more than ever! Maxson's sweet life changed me more than I EVER expected and it continues to. What a blessing Max IS! Although from here out my soul will experience pain I never knew before, I will also have more empathy than I knew was possible. With that I know I will reach out to those around me more. So Maxson lives on, without saying a word of kindness to anyone, he has and will spread love. I know some people don't leave behind such love in a lifetime. God really designed one of the most beautiful "LOVE STORIES" I have ever known by Maxson Linwood's life.

Now to lay out the plan for my next post. I love when all the blogs I follow use pictures, plus I want to tell you all and show you all the wonderful momentous blog readers have given to us. The outreach from women I don't even know has NOT just given me comfort it has inspired me! I want to share that with you. This can only be done with pictures, so I will get to it soon. I really think some of you will be in awe of the love some of the sisters in Christ out there show. Just read the comments and you will understand the amazing love people are willing to give and share with others. I know I am singing to the choir blog friend, but I can't stop thinking about how I want you ALL to know your love has been incredibly moving!

with love,


Note: some new songs added, go to the bottom of the page if it doesn't automatically play or if you want to play a new song.