After just touching on that we lost our kids in the last post I thought I better explain.

We found out a week before Thanksgiving that relatives of the children had hired a court inspector to locate the children when they found that the mother was without them. And although no one is taking them out of the orphanage we were advised to not continue to court. If we continued we would likely lose in court anyway.

I was totally surprised being new and all to the international adoption world.

So now what.

Well if it would have happened any later we would have been out some money but now our money just gets transferred to a new adoption. However, we are in the DRC, Africa now, that is where our money is tied up. Which in some way I am grateful that I am locked in and don't have to make that decision.

This took me a while to post. For one I am really tired of being the bearer of bad news. Two, I am tired of people saying "I'm sorry". I have been on my knees crying out for God to lead me in the direction HE desires. And that is exactly why I am here.


Trying to make sense of the loss I can only be straight with one thing...God is sovereign. So...I will say for whatever reason we are here, waiting.

Antonio and Regina did push me down the path...actually taking the long and difficult steps to start the adoption process. I can be thankful for their sweet faces in my life for the simple fact that we started this road. Who knows maybe without them I would still be doing nothing out of fear of the unknown.

We have decided to wait for a baby. Could be tomorrow or months from now when we receive word. We are the only ones on the list with our agency from this country. We have no preference of boy or girl or twins. I find myself often praying for our child that I know God already knows. Very similar to a pregnancy, when before that 20 week ultra sound you are so in the dark. And for us is a time to truly rely on God for our strength and place to rest all our fears, doubts, and anxieties.

We were very sad about losing two children that we felt belonged in our family. I try to remind myself that they must have family that cares...it's tough to do.

We will continue to pray and support them in different ways. And who knows maybe we will meet them someday. I know they will never be forgotten from our hearts!


Four Years AGO/OLD

Today will never go unnoticed in my world. In fact even the mention of the 5th of any month brings an instant reminder of today four years ago.

Time passes and with relation to the day we brought Maxson into and out of this world, time... has frozen. I would never believe it has been four years ago. In other ways much has filled our time, and it seems we have completed and done more then what is possible to fit in four years.

This sweet day four years ago I was blessed to kiss and hold, and to see my little boy. That day was amazing for so many reasons and oh so difficult too. Nothing is harder.

If someone offered me a different road would I take it...No. Nothing is harder but nothing else could take the place of what I have gained. I have this love for a child that I am certain beyond a shadow of doubt is in Heaven. Although mixed with pain here it is something I would never trade.

This year we let a balloon go and watched it disappear, trying to connect the balloon with Max in Heaven and the balloon was going to Heaven, for Eli of course ;)  I spent the day telling Elijah about his brother. Reminding him again and again it was Max's birthday...again and again, every time I asked he would say Eli's birthday. you could say we are working on a lot of things related to 'mine'.

I have had some major ups and downs this last four years. The road of grief was also filled with disappointments and setbacks. We have also recently had a hard road as we started this adoption, fell in love with two children and lost them in a matter of months. With all of this I have had my share of doubting God's love for me...not that everyone doesn't struggle with this but it has been a major struggle for me. I don't doubt God's sovereignty, I just wonder how he can love me. Anyway all that said to say this...

Here is the story.

Four years ago I gained and lost a son, with that I had to learn to live life without my son. God did bless me with Maxson and he also blessed me with a friendship.

Hannah found my blog ...I am not sure how. She contacted me by email shortly after Maxson passed and offered to draw a picture of him. After we exchanged several emails, I felt connected to Hannah, as simple as that. Over the past four years our friendship has continued to grow we often speak on the phone weekly and she is the first person I think of to pray with me. We have never met face to face, well if you count skype I take that back. Hannah and her family are so dear to me. I feel like we have been friends for years. It feels strange to think we have never been in the same state, let alone the same place. Our friendship has been built on shared love for our Savior and the struggles we deal with and those wonderful moments of joy. She has been one of the bigger miracles I can attest to from Maxson's life. So without knowing my recent thoughts she sent me this today...

  • And now for what I was wanting to share:
    (song #15 on the last cd I sent you)
    "It is for this reason I I bow my knees, before the Father of the Lord Jesus Christ, for Whom the whole family on heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His spirit in your inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith, that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints, what is the width, and the length, and the depth, and the height, to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge, that you may be filled with the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundant above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen."
    i just love this worship song because I can't ever listen to it without feeling the need to be on my face before God while I try to understand how deep His affection and love for us runs. You know, I feel like about 98% of the time, I'm kind of bumbling along, trying to understand, and then about 2% of the time, I start to understand. I guess last night was one of those times, and I realize how much His love is the only thing on earth that can ground us, and give us deep roots that keep us from being tossed around in this life. When I was listening to the first part of the song last night, I felt like the Lord was showing me a picture of you- you were completely enveloped by Him, and I felt like He was (and wants you to know) He is washing you with His affections, from the inside out. And that all of these hard things you are having to walk through- He is causing your roots to go deeper, and I just feel Him being so tender and loving with you and your heart, and that He is so proud of you. These things cause deep, deep roots, that will never be shaken, and oh, what a privilege it is to be one whom the Lord sets deep roots down in. Thats what I felt God impressing upon me last night, for you 
    I just want you to know that I am praying this song for your heart, for Dustin's heart, for my heart, for our children's hearts. "That we your church, Father, would be rooted and grounded in the Heart of your Son. That we would be firmly rooted in the love of Your Son, Jesus. Oh, that we would be rooted and grounded in Your love, established firmly in your love. That we would feel and know the affections of Jesus, we would know and believe the love God has for us. That we would experience Your heart."

    • She has often reminded me of just what i needed to be reminded of. So this is why I shared this...
    God's love is infinate. It is not explained or expressed by life turning out a certain way or by life being easy.

    It is not altered by anything we do or don't do. He loves us. He loves Maxson. 

    Sometimes it is just getting back to the basics "Jesus loves me"!!!

    After all Christ died because HE FIRST LOVED US!

    Here is a song that always brings me to tears the deep ones that I am sure come from my soul.

    Happy Birthday to a boy who keeps on teaching his mama! What a blessing it is to be called your mom.



    And We Grow

    Over the past year we have been looking forward to growing our family. We thought we had long did away with trying out 'our plans' but again found ourselves trying to plan it out just so. We both agreed we wanted to have one more biological child and then adopt maybe when we were closer to our mid 30s. He he

     This past spring we started pursuing fertility treatments. 

     First time worked; but we quickly miscarried. 

     We continued to try fertility treatments. 

     I didn't get horribly down or even stomp my feet, not saying this as a pat on my back but rather that I felt God was leading. 

     The last time we tried we decided to also have a consultation with an adoption agency. After which we both felt more secure about our desire to adopt internationally. While waiting to see if the treatment worked (if I was pregnant) I looked over the Internet at countries and different possibilities. I stumbled on a site with waiting children and one little boy caught my attention. I emailed to just learn more about him. He was from the DRC, Africa and he was approximately 2 years old. Later when Dustin and I talked we counted him out. We both agreed we wanted to keep birth order. 

     The days ahead I could not get that little boy out of my head. I would lay awake and think of reason after reason why he wasn't right for us. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I started praying for his possible place in our family. I asked Dustin to do the same. After some time we both agreed we felt lead to welcome him to our family. It's a scary thing so we continued to pray if it wasn't God's will to close the door. 

     However, doors just kept opening and not just opening but swinging wide. We had all of our doubts about bringing him into our family erased. The steps to get where we needed to be went smooth and much faster than anticipated. He started to grow in both our hearts and we now are truly excited for his arrival. Antonio is his given name and I would love to share pictures but we did sign a contract to not share his picture online until he is home with us. 

    There was a turn of events that I am still swallowing and making sense of. Antonio has a sister who is approximately 6 years old. I was under the impression that another family was interested in her and so it didn't enter my brain until three weeks ago. 

     Last week we also signed for Regina. 

     We believe it is God's will to keep siblings together if possible. We also believe God has equipped us with love, patience, and a growing desire to take care of orphans. This is what that looks like for us. 

     I can just imagine your questions and how crazy we may seem. Trust me I think the same thing. I just know we both feel this is God's call and we both are in this together

     We have gone through some training and will continue to do so. We have had at length discussions about how this can/will effect Elijah. I will write more about both in later posts. We understand the major, major coming shift to our lives. We are asking that though you may not understand or may think we are quite crazy (we are) that you still will support us in prayer and in thoughts. It will not be easy and we are preparing our hearts and home for the coming journey. 

     I am not against any questions you may have so feel free to ask by email or call:) 

     If you would like to know of some ways to support us please read below. 

     1. Please pray. Pray for Antonio and Regina. Their safety but also that their hearts would be prepared. For Elijah that his heart would also be prepared. That Dustin and I will have strength, discernment, and peace. In all that you feel led to say -pray. 

     2. The children are coming from a third world country. We would love if you would like to learn more about the DRC. Click here for more info on the country. 

     When we first started the journey I had some nights of grief and fear below is part of a Psalm given to me by a friend. These words mean so much to me. These words will now for us always be Antonio's and Regina's. 

     Psalm 40:1-8 
     I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. 

    2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. 

    3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him. 

     4 Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.

    5 Many, Lord my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare. 

     6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire— but my ears you have opened burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require. 

    7 Then I said, “Here I am, I have come— it is written about me in the scroll.
    8 I desire to do your will, my God; your law is within my heart.” 

     With Love, Trish and Dustin