Time passes and with relation to the day we brought Maxson into and out of this world, time... has frozen. I would never believe it has been four years ago. In other ways much has filled our time, and it seems we have completed and done more then what is possible to fit in four years.
This sweet day four years ago I was blessed to kiss and hold, and to see my little boy. That day was amazing for so many reasons and oh so difficult too. Nothing is harder.
If someone offered me a different road would I take it...No. Nothing is harder but nothing else could take the place of what I have gained. I have this love for a child that I am certain beyond a shadow of doubt is in Heaven. Although mixed with pain here it is something I would never trade.
This year we let a balloon go and watched it disappear, trying to connect the balloon with Max in Heaven and the balloon was going to Heaven, for Eli of course ;) I spent the day telling Elijah about his brother. Reminding him again and again it was Max's birthday...again and again, every time I asked he would say Eli's birthday. you could say we are working on a lot of things related to 'mine'.
I have had some major ups and downs this last four years. The road of grief was also filled with disappointments and setbacks. We have also recently had a hard road as we started this adoption, fell in love with two children and lost them in a matter of months. With all of this I have had my share of doubting God's love for me...not that everyone doesn't struggle with this but it has been a major struggle for me. I don't doubt God's sovereignty, I just wonder how he can love me. Anyway all that said to say this...
Here is the story.
Four years ago I gained and lost a son, with that I had to learn to live life without my son. God did bless me with Maxson and he also blessed me with a friendship.
Hannah found my blog ...I am not sure how. She contacted me by email shortly after Maxson passed and offered to draw a picture of him. After we exchanged several emails, I felt connected to Hannah, as simple as that. Over the past four years our friendship has continued to grow we often speak on the phone weekly and she is the first person I think of to pray with me. We have never met face to face, well if you count skype I take that back. Hannah and her family are so dear to me. I feel like we have been friends for years. It feels strange to think we have never been in the same state, let alone the same place. Our friendship has been built on shared love for our Savior and the struggles we deal with and those wonderful moments of joy. She has been one of the bigger miracles I can attest to from Maxson's life. So without knowing my recent thoughts she sent me this today...
She has often reminded me of just what i needed to be reminded of. So this is why I shared this...
God's love is infinate. It is not explained or expressed by life turning out a certain way or by life being easy.
It is not altered by anything we do or don't do. He loves us. He loves Maxson.
Sometimes it is just getting back to the basics "Jesus loves me"!!!
After all Christ died because HE FIRST LOVED US!
Here is a song that always brings me to tears the deep ones that I am sure come from my soul.
Happy Birthday to a boy who keeps on teaching his mama! What a blessing it is to be called your mom.