Happy Birthday Maxson!

I can't believe it has been a year. I was telling Dustin tonight that days after Max passed I was almost wishing for time to pass to be a year ahead and then thinking the pain would be less. Sadly, that is not the way it is right now. Tonight at 8:30 my grandma joined Maxson in Heaven she couldn't wait I guess to spend his homecoming with him. I am happy for my grandma she lived a full life and I know was excited to be reunited with her husband and so many others that went before her. She was a wonderful woman, a woman that I am sure was told well done my good and faithful servant! That is why the only sadness I feel is the absence of her in days to come. There is small part of me that is jealous of her, I mean getting to be with Max tomorrow in all!
Dustin and I plan to finally watch his video in its entirety tomorrow, we plan on eating this beautiful cake we had made for his birthday, and we plan on trying our hardest to remember how great it was through all the pain we feel. Maxson changed our lives, and how badly do I want to just think on what this day was supposed to look like, but I know that is not what I should do. Maxson Linwood lived his few hours in my arms but he also lived many hours right under my heart, and for that I will do my best tomorrow to celebrate cause his life is so so special to us and I know to you.

Now, I thank you for all your responses to my previous post, it really helped to be able to pray for others out there in way that felt so true every night I laid my head down, and also it was comforting to learn about you. I know I have some questions to answer from the post so here we go:
Are you working?
Yes, I am serving...still. I am also working for a SVP multimedia which is very rewarding and helping me to further my career in video and photography. I work anywhere from 15-30 hours a week for SVP and serve 8-15 hours a week. It all keeps me busy and that is a healthy place to be in.

How is the photography coming along?
It is going very well it has helped to have a new and exciting experience in my work and has allowed me to be able to find another creative outlet. svpmultimedia.com if you go there you will find a link to my very basic website at the time.

Last but not least my favorite picture of Maxson...

He was looking at me. Well I know a new born can't see far but the direction of his stare was toward Dust and I.

Again, I have been praying for you out there and thank you again for your prayers. I just want you to know I couldn't have gone through this year without the support of you all.


I hope heaven gives you a homecoming party better than a birthday party here. I hope you can feel my love and know my longing for you. Dustin and I love you and talk about how much we wish we could be there with you. You changed our lives and we only felt like we just grazed your life. We hope to be able to tell your brother or sister about you someday and we look forward to the day when we hold you again.

Love you so so much,
Mommy & Daddy



writers block...how about you?

Still alive, and doing alright.

I have been busy with work and mostly with design which I enjoy doing but it really drains me from being able to think creatively in any other area, for a while anyway. So writing has been on the back burner on here and in my journal. I know Maxson's year is coming and to be honest that is another area that expressing how I have been feeling is difficult. All I can say is there is days that I feel the same pain I did on day number two, plus the times when I see somebody in the mirror or by my actions that is not the girl I used to be. I feel like family and friends probably have been seeing this for a while but my eyes have just been opened to it and it makes me sad. By my thoughts and feelings I have had hard time fighting through sometimes to just find me. So now I want to just turn the tables, please lend me your thoughts and writings in absence of mine.

Please answer any or all of the questions below and if you have a question for me I will do my best to answer.

How has Maxson's life impacted yours?

What are three of the greatest blessings you have ever received?

What is the biggest challenge you have ever been faced with and how did you deal?

Do you believe Jesus Christ is our Savior?

Can you give me any ideas on how to celebrate Maxson's first birthday?

Can you please tell me if you remember what you were doing on December 5, 2008 (The day Maxson was born and shared a brief life here with us)?

Any advice for me in any are of my life?

Can I pray for you in any way?

Alright now, if you wish to remain anonymous that is fine, if you only want to answer or can only think to answer one question that is fine too. I just please ask to refrain from any real offensive language or thoughts. By this I mean don't swear and don't belittle others.

I really want to learn more about you who read, only fair right as you all know enough this way. I also would love to be inspired through your words -as mine is just BLOCKED!

with love,


Layers of Life

Thank you all so much for praying for us and for not giving me a mouth full for my negative outlook. I have a much more settled spirit this week and my faith is there.

Now, I am really trying to get to the place where I can be of help to my little sister who found out she was three months pregnant a week before we miscarried. Right now I am trying to get past all of the negative emotions it stirs up inside of me. She will be a single mom and needs the help and support of family but putting aside my own hurt over the deal is something I can not do on my own. I was game to be there when I thought we would be there together but now to put on a face of support when it all seems so not right...is just plain difficult to do. She is a 21 year old girl who is just trying to learn to take care of herself and now she is on a road she didn't want or plan for and then here we are spending 4 years, countless tears, prayers, money, and heartache with still no joy in near sight. It just doesn't fit...I knew "such is life" before but it is so different actually living out "such is life". The layer of this part of my life has been an unexpected journey that I find to be at times down right dark to walk through. So once again I ask for your prayers in this area. I love my sister and don't want her to feel any of the pain it causes inside of me also I want to be able to enjoy this new life without the sting...please pray.

On some brighter note, I am trying to advance my job skills by adding photography to the mix. I will hopefully be making an actual income in the next six months or so. I have put together a cheesy blog to share my photography work , feel free to check it out. We also our still trying to put this ancient house together, which shows its age everywhere. We did finish the bathroom which looks pretty amazing. It is a very good thing to have a handy husband!


10 months and 7 weeks

I know I have been blogger AWOL for quite some time now. Really it has been quite a road...most of the time I just didn't have the words, other times I couldn't bring myself to post.

I have such a heavy heart. Today is Maxson's 10 month birthday and today I also lost a new life. I went to the doctor this morning to find no heartbeat so I was sent home with some medicine to induce a miscarriage. I know your probably thinking "what, you were pregnant?", yes I was, 7 weeks along I was holding out to give the good news at least until I was 8 weeks. The past months since my post I have went through with two fertility treatments. The second one rendering our hopes! So today is a double dose of pain, I would be lying if I said I was not really struggling with my faith right now. With the loss landing on Max's day and the reality that I feel my fervent, faithful, and hopeful prayers were denied has me spinning in a deep sense of abandonment. I really want to ask for prayers right now, but honestly my bitterness is making that request laced with too much anger and pain. I know I am not immune from heartache, but just the circumstances of it all make it seem like salt on a wound. All in God's timing seems a bit cruel today.

I am so sorry I wanted so bad to bring some joyful news and now I just need to write. I need to ease the weight of this pain. I miss Maxson so much I miss stuff about Max that I never even experienced. I believe the baby I lost today never had a heartbeat, it hurts but for such a different reason. We will try again. I know we will not give up, I am knocked down and my faith is shaken but He will pick me up again...that's all I can hold on to right now.



Maxson Linwood is one very lucky boy, I do hope God instilled this in Max. His Daddy loved him so much and he is and would have been such a great dad.

Dustin has this gift, I call it a gift anyway, his mom had it too...he has a way to almost always put everyone else ahead of himself. A way to take care of my needs, Max's needs, and everyone's needs before his own...hmm....except for food, he will steal the last ice cream sandwich. But he truly loves and shows it through many selfless acts. I just wish Max would have been able to experience this warm blanket of love a lot longer than he did.

So Father's Day was okay. But okay is a good thing, I mean you can't expect much more this first Father's Day without our baby boy. Dustin was strong as usual I did see his eyes gloss over when he read a card my sister sent him.

Speaking of Dust, that is one of the many painful subjects that have plagued my mind over the loss of Max. Why Dustin? Why God, his mom then his son? Why so much sorrow for a man who is so selfless? Why can't Dust enjoy his son HERE?


that feels better.

Well I thank God for such a wonderful husband and I pray God will bring joy into Dustin's life.


It has been my longest stretch without posting and checking the blog world news. So today I have been catching up on this "April Rose" thing and all of the mommas blogs I follow. Really I should be writing some bills out but that can wait.

First, Maxson did have his sixth month without a post from me. All I can say is its been hard and its been good. Really my mind goes something like this: Ahh I miss him, aww this pit in my stomach...oh God please help carry this for me...then there are times like this: why don't I feel that missing part? Where is the ache? Max is my son who is not in my arms, please God let me feel the piece of my heart that Max has. Really, God is the only one Great enough to deal with this manic mindset that I have. One day I felt so low that I googled "extreme depression" then later wrote in my journal to God and woke up the next day dancing on the clouds...to be so up and down never happened to me before Maxson. The reason I haven't had words lately is I can't find the words to sum up these emotions.

Second thing I want to write about is my take on this "April Rose" fraud. It is a horrible thing for her to do, but then it takes someone pretty lost to play on a fictitious story of such a great loss. I know she has said she has lost a child in the past but really she has lost any credibility in my book, so who knows. I do forgive her and I pray God helps her too. When it comes down to it I am a sinner as is this woman, and we both have the hope and faith in forgiveness through Jesus Christ... she deserves forgiveness as do we all. A fallen world, a world where people lie, I just hope that this particular web of falsehood doesn't tarnish the support for other mom's and families that need this outlet. This blog world has been a saving grace to me many times. Please know there are so many of us on here who are opening up a part of our lives that are truly wounded and need your prayers and thoughts. Just please try not to let this hinder you from praying for someone you feel led to do so for.

I have a doctors appointment this week. I was going into this fertility thing again with a plan not to share it with those close to me. Lately the anxiety of it all has been heavy on my mind. I can't do it alone I need you to storm Heaven for Dust and I. We need the support of our family and friends. And while I may not be sharing every detailed event in this journey with our family and friends as I did last time I will share we are on the road again. Please ask God to supply us with the strength to handle what may be ahead, please seek a miracle in your prayers for us.

with love,
Max's momma


The Mother at Heart

I do realize when my co-workers, strangers, and even some friends look at me they don't see a Mom. To be honest when I look in the mirror or finish a day out I don't feel like a mom. Nothing in my day usually reflects being a mom. To count how many times I have longed to be drug out of bed with a crying baby or to leave a store unfinished to save others ears from my crying baby or to not be out at a peaceful dinner. To those with kids this may sound odd, to long for the not so joyful times of motherhood, to want it all... the good the bad and the ugly! But coming through to where I'm at now... what I wouldn't give to be up all night with my crying baby boy. So, I don't appear to be a mom I don't have any of the usual tells, besides the unkept hair at times, but what I do have is the Mother's heart which now knows the love of her child, and now longs for everything Max would have given, the disgusting diapers and all.

With all that being said, this past Mother's Day I actually felt like a Mom. In part to many friends and family that acknowledged me as so and in part to prayers. I was really expecting a dreadful day. Dust and I took off to my hometown and surprised my mom, we cleaned her house and spent the day honoring her and in turn I felt pretty peaceful and my soul didn't ache as much as I was expecting. We even visited Maxson's grave for the second time, which though sad held much more peace than the first time.

I love and am immensely grateful for all your sweet comments. Some have come when I needed the words most. Thanks for the prayers on Mother's Day and the continued support. I know this blog may be viewed by other mom's who have lost or know that loss lies ahead of them, and my hope is along with my posts and your comments we may bring comfort or hope to a Momma in pain. I know I sound like a broken record but the choice we made to carry Max's life out is one I would never ever take back. And I so remember the initial days after we were told about Maxson's condition and all the many emotions that plagued my vision. Then I couldn't have dreamed what joy, comfort, love, encouragement, peace, memories, and friendships would lie ahead of me. Sure more than my taking of grief, pain, sorrow, anger and loneliness have been felt too, it's just back in August I didn't see any good in the days ahead of me all I saw was the pain. So please pray for the other Mother's hearts out there tonight who ache at knowing the coming loss of their child or who are grieving the loss now.

with love,



I have been for quite some time, planning on looking back on Max's birthday and writing out the day and days after. One, I know it will be healing, two I want you all to be able to know what went on that day, and three for my son's day to be remembered in writing. I do have a lot of the day on video and plan to edit something together sometime but I want to wait until I am ready to watch the video in whole, which I haven't had the courage to do so thus far. I will at some point. But for now I want to share with you in words.

December 5, 2008

Dust and I were to the hospital around 5:30 on the 5th. The rest of my family and friends joined us around 6 am. Everything that morning felt surreal. We were blessed to have a nurse that was incredibly real, and with us through the day and into the night. It was the first time she ever took part in a delivery such as ours, the grace and strength she gave to everyone was beyond what anyone expected. I for one didn't understand the importance of her job that day. Now, knowing what was before her that day leaves me with a new respect for what nurses do and are capable of giving.

She arrived along with a few other doctors at least I think they were doctors. They all introduced themselves and gave me an idea of what to expect in the operating room. It was really like a dream leading up to Max's arrival. My doctor prayed with us, I felt secure in her care. Another nurse offered to video and our photographers were there ready to snap pictures. For anyone who has been through a c-section I'm sure you know the crazy ER experience of the operating room. My family and friends prayed and waited together in the waiting room. After they prepared me, with a catheter in all, Dust was able to come in and be by my side. From when my Dr. started the incision to when I had a glimpse of Max over the curtain felt like seconds and it was only minutes. My c-section was scheduled at 7:30 am and Max was lifted over the curtain at 7:33 am.

Love at first sight doesn't do justice to the way my heart soared looking at his face. I went to some place... Jesus I believe carried me from that moment on. The part of the video I have seen was when they were trying to get Max to breath. This felt like seconds to me again, but in reality was much longer. They worked on him for some time and I just was able to have peace and watch his sweet face for what I thought was seconds. I do remember wanting desperately to switch spots with him, to not have to watch him struggle to breath. But God took time away which now thinking back if I would've felt time I don't know if I could have made it through and kept my composure. Composure was so important that day, if I would have lost it the memories would have been tarnished to just pain, there was so much more there that day than just pain.

Then he was in my arms. Dust and I enjoyed Maxson and were able to feel such true joy as this little life graced us with his time.

It was time for us to be moved to a special room that allowed all of my family and friends to meet Maxson. I was moved out of the operating room with Maxson in my arms and alive. At this point if my memory serves me right Max started this cooing sound that while it sounded cute and promising my nurse informed us it was the sound of him becoming tired. The doctor told me Max would become tired and that no amount of time could be given but that it wasn't long. This is another moment I felt a powerful strength given to me. I didn't break down I just enjoyed his presence. I let my family hold him real quick and back on my chest he went. My pastor was there and we dedicated Max to the Lord. And I just felt in awe of his life, watching and feeling him with me can't be put into words to express the amazement and love it carried. My nurse informed us he was becoming tired. At some point I turned Max to face me. He looked into my eyes I felt for a moment he knew I was his mamma and then a absent glaze came over his eyes. His heart came to a stop shortly after this 10:44 am.

Immediately after his heart stopped a time of pure agony came on but was short lived, I again felt some strength come (your prayers were there, and I felt all of them). We gave Max a bath and took some pictures with him. Then we enjoyed him just being in our arms even though it was just physical.

I have some great friends and my friends have some great men in their lives. One of my friend's husband is so real and honest, and I deeply respect him for his honesty, he told me later that when he came to visit he thought it was weird that we were all happily hanging out with a baby who had passed. But when he entered the room and had the chance to hold Max his view changed. He thought it was the most beautiful real experience he has ever had the chance to share. I wanted to share this thought because I understand that it may seem weird to have joy and peace holding a child that has gone to be with Jesus. But it wasn't. I held and shared Max with family and friends until 9 that night.

I was moved to a private room in the OB some time during the day. This is the room I would spend the next few days. Some of my friends did my makeup and hair so we could have a few more pictures with Maxson as a family. My girlfriends that day were able to experience everything with us and I am so grateful they did. Not only cause it made Max's life so real to them, it helped me and helps me to know that they just know.

My family was there all day the love and support they provided really carried me through. Dust was so strong and I could see the love he had for his son all over his face. A proud papa! Being able to see my Dad and Mom enjoy their grandson's life are memories I have that I wouldn't trade for any amount of money. I spent a lot of the day pulling Max to my face and kissing his little head. Best kiss ever! I only lost it completely when the funeral home came and took him away. My family was there to help me through this part. They did offer me the chance to keep Max till morning something we decided not to do, some days I regret this other days I feel peace about our choice.

December 6, 2008

When awoke the next day is when it fully hit me. I felt like I woke up with my legs amputated. I felt ripped in two not from the physical pain of the c-section but from my baby not being where he was supposed to, in my arms or beneath my heart. Ahh, this was the hardest part of the whole journey the time when I can say the pain about did me in. Dust didn't know what to do with me, he called my parents and my whole family came in to console me. Later that day a close friend came and laid with me in my bed all day. I drifted in and out . Not only did Dustin lose his son but he had to watch me go through such a difficult time this thought alone can bring tears to my eyes.

The next few days were really hard for us. Nights especially, I would wake up and Dust would be sleeping and the reality would hit me again and again. One night there was a nurse I don't remember her name or know if I would recognize her face, she said she was called in and never really works in OB, anyway she held me while I cried and shared her own loss of two children with me. A Godsend? I believe so but I don't believe in coincidences being that, I believe in a higher power working in a higher way, some call it miracles. She was there that night to help me maybe like no else could.

Dustin slept in a chair next to my bed every night, poor guy. My sister Shelly stayed late visiting with us a couple of the nights, which says a lot because of her busy life. Prayers were pleaded and loads of support were offered. I know I have stated this before but having and losing Max was such a humbling experience.

My hope in writing this out is I may heal a bit more today, and that you may become even more a part of that day! I know this post is filled with lots of tears and pain, I pray you are also able to see the joy and the very real, beautiful story God wrote through Max's life.

with love,


5 5 5

Today is the fifth month since Maxson was born and went to be in heaven, it is also the 5th month of the year, and it is the 5th, hence the title.

I miss Max today... more than other days, I don't think so. My arms and heart feel so heavy when I think about his sweet face. I have been trying to think on the fact that if Max was here today he would be struggling with health problems in some way. I can't tell you this eases the fact he's not in my life but it does give some sort of peace that he is healed and not in pain.

I want my son to know I feel so privileged to have carried his life, to have kissed his face, to have looked into his eyes. Dust and I want to share the love we have for him with little brothers and sisters. We want to find a way to keep spreading the love he has brought into this world. We want his face to be etched into our memory along with the feeling of his skin. We want others, who may have to walk this road,to know that choosing to carry Maxson was a decision we would never take back. Not just because of our morals, the memories and all the moments we had the chance to experience with our son make the choice we made beyond worth it.

If you are reading this and recently had a grim prenatal diagnosis, please know you can contact us with any questions you may have. Know you are not alone and that the feelings of not being able to continue are normal and just part of the emotional journey you are on.

For everyone who has prayed, read, and thought about us I can't thank you enough. God had a bigger picture for Maxson's life than I would have ever imagined, after receiving the news he wouldn't be a child we would keep here I struggled with wanting my son's life to have purpose. You all have fulfilled that desire, I love hearing how Max's life has impacted others. The comments on this blog by people that are touched or changed by Maxson's life greatly encourage us in our sorrow. So, thank you thank you thank you! We love you all!

Max's mommy


Catching Up

It has been awhile since I have posted. Many times I have tried but my mind has been so scattered and life has been so busy, a lot of time I just have anxiety of how I am going to get everything done that I need to (anxiety is something new for me, yuk).

First, I am working with that production company I wrote about earlier. They are the nicest people and I am really excited for the chance to do what I went to school for. So thank you for your prayers not only am I working with a couple who are willing to give me work they are also willing to mentor me, that I may improve on my skill. Serving is still alive and I am a bit over scheduled but hopefully I can figure out on how to balance the two without getting stressed.

Easter was really hard. Just like Christmas when the day was over a weight was lifted. I don't know the reason for this. I don't understand why the pain was so raw that day. Just more I don't knows, I don't understands I have to find a place of peace with. Some days I really battle with the reason I am not holding Max and the fact I have to live with this maybe until I'm over a hundred -ahhh. I have to learn this new normal and keep joy and hope in living this life without a piece of my heart. I can't remember where I read this but the author said losing a loved one is like losing a limb. You have to learn to live without that limb, you can't live the way you did before, you have to accept and learn to live a life different than it would have been. So I will continue to learn, to accept that my life is going to have to find a new normal...and I am. God is here, HE hasn't given up on me. I know He has a lot of work to do in me. Only God knows His plans for me and I am trying to trust Him.

Last weekend I visited Maxson's grave for the first time since we laid him to rest. Keep in mind I am from ND and it was my first chance to see his grave because of the massive amount of snow we've had. And I moved away. But we went back, if you couldn't tell I have felt guilt for not visiting his grave earlier but rationally I know he isn't there anyway.

Anyway, it hurt. Ahh, I hated the idea of having to visit Max's grave, this is a loaded statement and I don't mean that I don't want to it just sucks! I cried real ugly and left with missing him more than when I arrived. It was the first visit so I'm sure it will become a place where there is more than just deep moans and longings. I really can't imagine if I didn't have my faith. If I thought that grave was it. Wow, the emptiness of that.

Dust and I have talked and God willing we want to start fertility at the end of the summer or maybe sooner. I still have just as deep of a desire to Mother and I want Maxson to have a brother or sister or maybe even a bunch. Is this scary? More than I could put in words. Not only the pregnancy and birth the fact of any of my future children dying before me is what scares me. That's the trusting God part I'm working on. I don't know if I've shared but fertility issues go both ways for Dust and me. We both have factors that make it difficult and a complete miracle if it were to happen naturally. But knowing that still doesn't count out that hope I have every month. Then the curse comes and I deal and I anticipate next month. It just takes once for God to work a great miracle and my faith that He could is no less now than a year and some months ago. But we both believe God created us and therefore the science we have been able to cultivate, we will try fertility again. After all He knits the life together!

I will stay in touch. I send my love to those of you reading.

Max's momma


Love Remains

Four months

Today has been hard. Hard in that I can't quite think on Max too long without feeling that I am going to break down and I just don't want to. I have cried more in the last 8 months than I have in my entire life. I'm not a girl who cries pretty. My face turns red, my eyes swell, heck my whole my face swells. I can let a few tears escape but if I give in to the cry I will then deal with aftermath. I'm tired of dealing with aftermath. In all sorts. So, yes today many tears have escaped but I'm keeping the cry in today.

I have searched a bit deeper today about my love for Maxson. And this is where my thoughts led me: Here out I have this love. No one can take it away or steal it. Well, it can't be seen or noticed by others it is here forever. It physically holds me and it will always be one of my most valuable possessions. Even though love is not tangible I feel like I can embrace it, hold it, that is how powerful the love I feel for Max is.

So, I don't have my son here to hold, to raise, to nurture, to kiss, to see grow, to laugh with, and this list could go on and on. But now I have the love, the love remains.

What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love becomes a part of us.

Helen Keller

Happy four months in Heaven Maxson.


Usually I start with a topic, a subject of importance to share or a thought I need to search on, tonight I have scattered happenings and thoughts I feel to share. So needless to say no title.

First, a little personal happenings...

Today at work I had the trial of serving a baby shower at the restrauant I work at. The people I work with don't know about my journey with Max, well they do if they have asked if I have children. But they don't. They don't know the amazing, joyful, sorrow-filled, loving part. Of course then, they asked me to take the banquet, the baby shower. To say this was an easy job would be a HUGE understatement. Baby gifts, a new born, another pregnant attendee, and a room full of mom's celebrating the happy joy of a new mom was enough to put me at a place where... I fought tears, I fought angry bitter thoughts, I fought screaming do you know what I am going through right now to every mom there, including my co-workers. I held it together at least enough for show. I teared up many times and sucked it back to the best of my ability. Serving these ladies and listening to all the happy stories of a newborn and all the sharing of the joy, it was hard. But I made it. Right now I still feel the break down at the back of my throat.

Second, I haven't previously shared about much personal stuff other than Maxson and my journey through grief of course. But I want to share that Dust and I bought a home in foreclosure some time ago. It is a very old home and we have been spending much of any free time renovating this home. Tearing out walls, re-doing hardwoods, tearing wallpaper, painting, and tonight painting trim and repainting a wall color I detested.

We were not even looking for a home, my parents were actually. But we stumbled across this home and wanted to take a peek at it. It was love at first sight, the work pit that it is, had us at first visit. We put in a bid lower than we thought would be expected, and BAM we got it. I guess we were the only crazy ones to put in the work it needs. We prayed about the home and I really felt it was a God send. The home has released so much feelings, every little scrap of wall paper I tore off let out some built up emotion. Plus, it has kept us extremely busy. We have had family stay and to have our own home again to share is pretty cool, we did live with my parents for Max's whole time in my tummy and some after he left this world. God knew we needed this.

Lastly, one of my dear blog mom friends Kristy, mom of Isaac and Asher, has been given wonderful news that the baby girl she carries now is healthy, after a scare that there may be something wrong. I feel so much joy tonight knowing she can rest easy and truly enjoy the remainder of her pregnancy. On the flip side to this please continue to pray for Stellan's mom and baby Stellan as his heart fights to find the norm. He has one strong momma fighting for him, right now though she needs prayer as she is growing weary.

Now you can figure why there is no subject to tie these scattered words. I thank you for your great prayers, I know they have helped us SO much. Right now I am eternally thankful to a God who has given me a wonderful husband, a great family, a good list of real friends, a home, a job, and a baby boy that I can't go too many moments without loving on his memory.

Just one more tidbit on the job thing, I have an interview to do some freelance work with a production company please pray that it works out. I don't know if I have shared previously but I did pay some heavy dough for a degree in Digital video production. My goal is to edit for this company but I am willing to shoot or help in any way. Serving brings in some nice cash but my desire is to edit video. Please pray. If I do get the work I still plan to serve but I really want some work that I truly enjoy.

Thank you and I send my love to you all.

Max's momma


Pray for Stellan

Please pray for sweet baby Stellan. He is in the Children's hospital and needs your prayers as his heart is sick.

Stellan's mom was told he wasn't going to live when she was pregnant with him...but he lived, he was born healthy and now is four months old. Pray for healing for strength, for this family to be carried through this with a happy ending. To learn more about Stellan and his family visit their blog.



We got back late last night. The weekend was extremely busy, but it was great to see and catch up with family and friends. I am now emotionally exhausted but feel greatly blessed by the chance to see everyone.

Maxson's charity raffle was a great success. I believe the total was around 1,400, that's about 6 songs for children! Six children will be positively affected through Max's life. The different items donated touched my heart. Dustin has a great group of people he works with, they really show their more than co-workers!! It was truly one of the nicest things anyone could do to honor Max's life.

I just finished reading a post by a blog mom that has been on the same journey as I have. She has inspired and lifted me up many times in my own pain. Today, her post was so true and her words were helpful to me and I'm sure they will be to you, so I am linking her post for you to read. It will be a great help for those who have a difficult time knowing how to help a friend or family member who has lost a child. http://sgirl79.blogspot.com/2009/03/how-to-help-grieving-friend.html

Please continue to lift Dust and I up in prayer, I am always coveting prayer. The grief we bare wears us down, at times it really affects our relationship, and at times I feel so completely alone and overwhelmed. Bad days and good days, I guess. Thank you and love you all.



Charity Raffle

This Friday Dustin's fellow employees are having a luncheon and raffle with all the proceeds going to Songs of Love in Maxson's name. It is such a gift to have everyone be able to come together and give to an organization that has such an amazing mission. As Maxson's mom I feel so good that while Max's time here was short he left such an impression that now cause of his life other children will be lifted up through music.

Dust's company let us choose the charity and we choose "Songs of Love", as we know they are struggling to meet the number of song requests they get from terminally ill children. With the present economy being the way it is they need all the help they can get for one, disease is not slowing down and sick kids need hope! I really believe in what they do and am excited about the chance to give. Please feel free to check out their website on my side bar and if you know of a sick child that may need the encouragement of song just for them please make sure to tell their parents about this organization.

Songs of Love did write a song for Maxson. You can hear it on the player, its the second song. Max didn't get to hear his song. But it brought a lot of comfort to his Dad and me. And I know this organization will bring a lot of hope to other kids facing grim futures.

So yeah! I love that Maxson's name goes on. I hope Max's finger prints are all over many songs that help to give hope to the innocent in affliction.

I will catch you up on how it goes next week. Thanks for your prayers.

with much love,

I wanted to leave you with this poem I found on another Mom's site.

I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today.
I asked "what makes a Mother?" and I know I heard him say:
"A mother has a baby" this we know is true.
"But God can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?"
"Yes you can," he replied with confidence in his voice
"I give many women babies when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay."
"I just dont understand this God I want my baby here.
"He took a breath and cleared his throat and then I saw a tear
"I wish that I could show you what your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile with other children who say:
"We go to Earth and learn our lessons of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
"I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep on her pillow's where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear
Mommy dont be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.
"So you see my dear sweet one your children are okay
Your babies are here in my home they'll be at heaven's gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother its the feeling in your heart.
Its the love you had so much of right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with me one day and you'll know that youre the best one.

"by Jennifer Wasikin
memory of Zachary Thomas Wasik



This picture was taken the night before Maxson was born. The hands on my tummy belong to some of my best friends. Some drove many hours and just made it into town that night. We spent a few hours together. When this picture was taken we were all lying on my bed, I was trying to get Max to move or kick for them. They all made the last night of Max's time in my tummy so special.

Kate, Kallie, Sara, Amber, and Cassidy plus my sweet Kaylyn was there in thought (finals for her masters, I'm so proud of you). These girls mean so much to me they have grown up with me, they are some of the classiest, smart, kind-hearted, down-to-earth, beautiful ladies I know. I have been blessed to have such strong, long-lasting friendships. They all were there for Maxson's entrance into this world and his peaceful exit. I wanted them there for two reasons: one, to have even more memories of one of greatest days of my life (I now can hear their memories of that day), and two I love them dearly and wanted them to share in one of my most cherished moments. So thank you girls for being there. I love you.

I wanted to edit a new video of Max's birth and pictures this week but I have been battleing a terrible chest cold and have had an unexpected difficult week. I still haven't seen all of Max's video, I thought I was ready but since Sunday I have hit an emotional curve I didn't see coming. God is obviously a huge part of my life, I try to make him my center. But this week has brought out anger and bitterness that I'm trying to sort through. So as far as the video goes it's on hold until I feel like I felt last week, emotionally and physically. I want to have my heart in good place when I see the rest of Max's Birthday video. And I want to put together a video with a clear mind. Please pray for these feelings of anger to be lifted or that I can find my way through them.

with love,
Max's mommy


3 months

Yes, today is Maxson's 3 month birthday in heaven. Yes meaning, it seems like a lifetime ago, and yes meaning, that it feels in no way it could be three months already. Thank you so much for the sweet emails today, it means a lot. And thank you to some wonderful friends that remembered us today too, just you guys thinking of my sweet boy still means a great deal! So grateful for all of you who have shared in this journey with us. Well I would have loved for the story to be a more happy one, I think each one of you have lifted us up when I can't really imagine life without this story, now.

Today, I worked, cleaned, cleaned, laundry, and cleaned. But while I cleaned I played Max's music (blog list) and went through every emotion possible. Good Grief, literally... I obviously cried, joyful tears, sad tears, angry tears, just plain longing for him tears, fearful tears, hopeful tears, and loving tears. All with the bits of amazing feelings Maxson has brought me, I did the up and down of it today.

Of course I also had the ups and downs of thoughts...I should be's, he would haves. The sounds would be different my plans would be different, it can all be just overwhelming. I also thought the ups...thank you God, thank you Father, what a gift you have given me. What a complete blessing Maxson's life was. Complete meaning, by bringing me some of the most real most cherished memories and feelings I may ever experience again. Also, I thought about Max and my reunion. Someday I will hold and kiss and get to know my son. Really its pretty amazing to be able to look forward to it. All because our God was willing to let his son die. I can tell you I would NEVER be WILLING to lose another child. Who would? Can you tell grief is a roller coaster?

So thank you for all your prayers and please continue to pray that God will reveal himself to us during this season of grief and that Maxson's life will continue to Glorify our Father!! Plus, for my aching arms and soul. And all the other moms aching arms and souls too. We are hooking up our scanner this week and I have some new pics to share, plus I am planning on editing a new video honoring Max sometime in the next week or so. I guess tonight I have no pictures to share, soon!!

with love,

Max's momma


Wedding Ring

Tonight I finally was able to squeeze my wedding ring on! Yes...I was beginning to think I would have to have it stretched. And I was questioning if it was possible for a ring to shrink.

The ring means so much to me, it carries memories that go far beyond its value. The significance of the ring and the memories it carries...well here it is.

Engagement, five years ago. Dust proposed on a dinner train the night was unforgettable, he drove like a maniac, the directions from Map Quest led us in the complete wrong direction. I stood on the train dock crying as the train pulled out, not because we missed the train but I had just been through the scariest car ride of my life, he ran stop lights, it was bad. Ended well though, the train stopped and a nice couple drove us to the middle of no where and we hopped the train, so to speak. Dust proposed after dinner and everyone on the train remembered me as the girl crying on the train platform...then again any woman would cry after a ride like that.

Wedding day; 4 years ago and some months, not really counting. It was a picture perfect August day and the best part was Dust's mom got to be there. I don't think at the time I appreciated her presence at our wedding as much as I do now. When I think of that day, thoughts of her always follow. The first day of our journey together

Maxson's Birthday; 2 months ago almost 3 now, the baby boy I dreamed about came into the world. We had taken some pictures of Maxson holding our rings. Now looking at my ring (on my finger!!) signifies our unity as a family, Dust, me, and Max.

Thank you God for all the blessings you have given us! Max's life has enriched my life and the worth of it goes far beyond any riches, or jewelry for that matter.


I miss you more than I can express and although you only held my wedding ring for a moment you will hold a piece of my heart indefinitely. I will cherish the memory of your time with us and I will rejoice the day I hold you again and kiss your sweet face.

love you,



The Grave

Today in Church we sang "Mighty to Save" a line in the song says "Jesus conquered the grave" with that line said came the picture of Maxson living with Jesus, his grave not being the end. Then came the thanksgiving in my heart, thank you for our Father, for beating the grave for my son, for us.

One layer that this grief has brought out is my longing for Heaven, also the sadness that right now I don't know what Heaven is like. I don't know what Max is seeing, doing, and who is watching him. Dust finds a solid comfort in the idea his Mom may be taking care of and holding our son, which fits his mom, who was one of those beyond wonderful Grandmas. This at times has given me comfort but there are moments when I yearn to see and know for sure who is watching Max.

To bring this full circle now, the song today gave me full comfort in my Son's place. I felt victorious that Jesus conquered the grave, and that Maxson is in a place more beautiful than my understanding can stretch. Today, the worries of who was watching over Maxson didn't bother me at all, today, I am fully appreciating that my God is mighty to save and because of this my son is reaping the benefits (for lack of better words).

I added the song to my Playlist. The whole song has such powerful words. I also am leaving you with a picture of Max. One of our pictures that I don't think has been shared yet. I think Maxson looks like he was well on his way to being an angel in this pic. The light has a bit more meaning to me as in this pic, Max's gaze was stuck on the light.


2 Months

Yesterday was the two month milestone. Funny how the meaning of milestone has shifted its meaning. Now a milestone signifies time without Maxson, time that has allowed God to show his never ending supply of grace, mercy, and strength.

Really early yesterday February 5, I woke with that ache in my soul for my son. Tears came and I never did fall back asleep.

The day started out so sad. No one in my family or close friends remembered or acknowledged and its only been two months. Alone I relished in thoughts of Maxson and alone I thought about what I could do to celebrate this day, and if that was even going to be possible. I had a busy day from the start. I am trying to find a serving job. So, that filled my day.

Anyway, last night I listened to Undeniable by Matt Kearney, now whether these are christian lyrics is up to debate. But as far as I'm concerned they were my God send on Max's two month birthday in Heaven.

Keep in mind yesterday was FEBRUARY 5, and I will explain the rest in a sec: Here are some of the lyrics.

February 5th, Friday morning, purple dawn,
Broke a yawn, as I stepped through the fog, like I stepped to a song
A moment like a poem, you wish you could hold it
I shut my eyes like it's frozen, it's gone when I open
It slipped past the clouds right there where it lingered
Like your band and a girl could slip through your fingers

My feet hit the ground like a beat for the lonely
On a path beaten down by the crowds in the morning

If only I could touch past the phony
If only they were there now to hold me
As the questions keep droning

You're the only one who stuck it out last night
The only other one who caught the other line
You're the only one when this world collides
The one that I can't deny


It's undeniable how brilliant you are
In an unreliable world you shine like a star
It's unforgettable now that we've come this far
It's unmistakable that you're undeniable

The past couple of months God has brought me through
some very dark waters. He has shown me the only one
I can rely on is HIM! He has made it undeniable that
I can not carry this alone, he has made it undeniable that the realm in which he works is more beautiful than my understanding will stretch.

So yesterday, while it started out as a very sad day it did end
with this song and the amazing peace only HE can provide.

Maxson celebrated two months in Heaven! I celebrated the fact I will
hold him again, and my sadness will not be eternal.

God continues to be the one who catches the other line! And while it
feels wrong to not be seen as a mother in this world, I know I am, I am a mom from here out.

I really wanted to play this song on my blog but the player did not have it. But I really encourage you to listen to it, the words while they do not directly praise our God they clearly do to anyone with a God perspective. Every part of the song spoke to me and with out hearing it like that yesterday, I'm not sure I would've been able to have joy in Max's 2 month birthday.

Alright, thank you for the prayers, I have felt so much peace.

with love,
Max's mommy!



"Time heals all" I don't know if this will ever apply to a parent that has lost a child at any age.

Time does help the pain ease. I guess the pain is just filled with more smiles, and the time between the really hard ache in my soul and the sweet peace that fills my heart seems to be longer.

My sister said she couldn't imagine losing a child, my thoughts back to this, I too could never imagine losing another child. Perspective, it's all relative...sadly this is true, well maybe for a good reason.

Time flew by when I was pregnant, by God's grace at the time, now I wish it would have lasted much longer. Time since Maxson was born has creeped by. I don't know how or what can change the perspective of time so much. All I know is when you lose a part of you, you crave heaven SO much more. Maybe this is why time goes so slow, like when I was little and looked forward to a vacation or something fun, the time leading up to it would then go by so much slower.

Time being the essence of my thoughts tonight, I will leave you with a great quote and a truthful verse.

“Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.”
Henry Van Dyke

Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
Psalms 62:8



Here I am writing again...I actually have been journaling privately. Writing is incredibly healing and here in the internet world you all add to that healing.

Someone's blog has a quote that I love, the following is paraphrased: life is not measured by days or time its measured by moments. Not exactly the words but I can't remember the exact quote... Anyway, I'm sure if you think back on your life you will see this is so true.

I want to start by a quick re-visit of all my pregnant moments...quickly I promise.

Beginning of April, I was on my fourth fertility cycle (lack of better words), day fourteen. I woke up extremely early, about 5 am. My boobs hurt and I felt cramps coming on...I was sure I was getting my period. This was a difficult battle, the waiting game of trying with a medical team behind you. I would have 14-16 days between each try of waiting to pee on the stick or for my time of the month to arrive, just to start the waiting period all over again. Timing was everything and it was measured by ultra sounds, pills, shots, and i.e. (insemination). Patience grew and I still believe my faith grew in abundance through this time. Even though at the time I thought I was in the lowest valley I would have to go through.

Alright, back to the prego stick. Five in the morning on a beautiful April day, I learned I would be expecting our much prayed for boy, Maxson. I was only 14 days pregnant and I knew! When I first saw the "pregnant" word (digital stick the only way to go), my knees hit the floor. I thanked God and love to revisit the joy that surged my body. Waking Dust up to share such great news will never leave my memory. Calling family at the break of dawn was for sure one of the best tells EVER! I miss that crazy amount of joy that I only believe a child of your own can bring.

Later that day Dust and I went and purchased Max's first hat and mitten set from Target. The hat said "our lil peanut", it was yellow. Cause it was our first purchase for our lil boy, I did place the hat in Max's coffin with him. Really not where I thought I would be putting it at the time.

The rest of the time between 14 days and 19 and 1/2 weeks was spent enjoying all of the pregnancy ups and tiny set backs. Many days spent dreaming of what our baby was going to be like. Time spent thinking on how I was going to try my hardest to be a great mom, and how my body was changing faster than I expected. And lots of praying for my baby. I prayed really hard that Heaven would be our son's eternal destination (this has been answered, too soon!!). Of course I prayed he would be healthy, but really it was not on my mind even a little bit that he wouldn't be. I dreamed, prayed, and waited with joy until week twenty...

For this time in my life you can go to the first few posts on this blog to give you the all those moments. Just a couple of memories that come alive when I think on that time are. Dust telling me the test was positive for trisomy 18, God telling me he would be there. The 11 hour car ride home filled with tears, hopelessness, anger, fear, doubt, song, despair, confusion, and tons of pain. The following days and months I found hope, joy, and peace. I can't explain... I have never before held hope and joy with pain and despair at the same time. And looking back and even now, I do.

See Maxson has more memories than I was giving credit to. I knew I had Max from day 14 and I gave him back holding him at 37 weeks, one day, two hours, and 44 minutes.

with love,

more memories of Max's time with us to come!


Thank you

I really want to share with you what has been given to us, not just the love that has been shared by strangers... but the items given in memory of our sweet son, that have been sent to us by some we have never met in person. There love so inspires me and I have such a thankful heart for everything I have received. I can't tell you enough how I am blown away by the love strangers have shown us.

Not strangers anymore. I have many new friends.

Beautiful artwork, an amazing necklace, many wonderful cards, a kit from string of pearls (that allowed me to cast Maxson's hand). A poem and a beautiful engraved ornament, and just tons of thoughtful emails and comments. I thank God for all of you and thank you for your support for us and our strong baby Maxson Linwood.

I am praying now if we should let the blog rest in Max's memory, a part of me feels I've said and shared my boy. And I didn't set out for this blog to be about anything other than God's plan for our son's life and to share the love we had for Max. While I know Maxson lives on, and his love has touched many... It just seems I need to pray that sharing the grief side is what this is about too. If that makes any sense?

I wouldn't trade the pain I feel for not having Maxson. Even now as my soul aches and I long for my baby, I feel incredibly blessed to be here. I love you all.

with love,
Max's mommy


Magdalena Grace Roberts

Please pray for Noah and Julie today, they had to say goodbye to their beautiful baby girl Magdalena.

I feel so sad they had to, but I know Maxson was in the welcoming crowd for their sweet girl:) Not much to say other than, please ask God to give them peace and comfort today.

Max' mommy


A beautiful Love Story

First post for the new year! I want this post to bring some hope in what is to come this year rather than the doom and gloom that surrounds us!

Dust and I have had a turbulent beginning to 2009, I can't go into really why...but I can say that "when it rains it pours" has never reigned more true. One thing after another and I have been to the bottom and now, I'm on the up swing. Maxson my angel, it brings to mind such comfort, joy, and lots of tears! My soul aches and I'm learning that's okay. By having Maxson in my life, I feel more for those suffering around me more than ever! Maxson's sweet life changed me more than I EVER expected and it continues to. What a blessing Max IS! Although from here out my soul will experience pain I never knew before, I will also have more empathy than I knew was possible. With that I know I will reach out to those around me more. So Maxson lives on, without saying a word of kindness to anyone, he has and will spread love. I know some people don't leave behind such love in a lifetime. God really designed one of the most beautiful "LOVE STORIES" I have ever known by Maxson Linwood's life.

Now to lay out the plan for my next post. I love when all the blogs I follow use pictures, plus I want to tell you all and show you all the wonderful momentous blog readers have given to us. The outreach from women I don't even know has NOT just given me comfort it has inspired me! I want to share that with you. This can only be done with pictures, so I will get to it soon. I really think some of you will be in awe of the love some of the sisters in Christ out there show. Just read the comments and you will understand the amazing love people are willing to give and share with others. I know I am singing to the choir blog friend, but I can't stop thinking about how I want you ALL to know your love has been incredibly moving!

with love,


Note: some new songs added, go to the bottom of the page if it doesn't automatically play or if you want to play a new song.