Catching Up

It has been awhile since I have posted. Many times I have tried but my mind has been so scattered and life has been so busy, a lot of time I just have anxiety of how I am going to get everything done that I need to (anxiety is something new for me, yuk).

First, I am working with that production company I wrote about earlier. They are the nicest people and I am really excited for the chance to do what I went to school for. So thank you for your prayers not only am I working with a couple who are willing to give me work they are also willing to mentor me, that I may improve on my skill. Serving is still alive and I am a bit over scheduled but hopefully I can figure out on how to balance the two without getting stressed.

Easter was really hard. Just like Christmas when the day was over a weight was lifted. I don't know the reason for this. I don't understand why the pain was so raw that day. Just more I don't knows, I don't understands I have to find a place of peace with. Some days I really battle with the reason I am not holding Max and the fact I have to live with this maybe until I'm over a hundred -ahhh. I have to learn this new normal and keep joy and hope in living this life without a piece of my heart. I can't remember where I read this but the author said losing a loved one is like losing a limb. You have to learn to live without that limb, you can't live the way you did before, you have to accept and learn to live a life different than it would have been. So I will continue to learn, to accept that my life is going to have to find a new normal...and I am. God is here, HE hasn't given up on me. I know He has a lot of work to do in me. Only God knows His plans for me and I am trying to trust Him.

Last weekend I visited Maxson's grave for the first time since we laid him to rest. Keep in mind I am from ND and it was my first chance to see his grave because of the massive amount of snow we've had. And I moved away. But we went back, if you couldn't tell I have felt guilt for not visiting his grave earlier but rationally I know he isn't there anyway.

Anyway, it hurt. Ahh, I hated the idea of having to visit Max's grave, this is a loaded statement and I don't mean that I don't want to it just sucks! I cried real ugly and left with missing him more than when I arrived. It was the first visit so I'm sure it will become a place where there is more than just deep moans and longings. I really can't imagine if I didn't have my faith. If I thought that grave was it. Wow, the emptiness of that.

Dust and I have talked and God willing we want to start fertility at the end of the summer or maybe sooner. I still have just as deep of a desire to Mother and I want Maxson to have a brother or sister or maybe even a bunch. Is this scary? More than I could put in words. Not only the pregnancy and birth the fact of any of my future children dying before me is what scares me. That's the trusting God part I'm working on. I don't know if I've shared but fertility issues go both ways for Dust and me. We both have factors that make it difficult and a complete miracle if it were to happen naturally. But knowing that still doesn't count out that hope I have every month. Then the curse comes and I deal and I anticipate next month. It just takes once for God to work a great miracle and my faith that He could is no less now than a year and some months ago. But we both believe God created us and therefore the science we have been able to cultivate, we will try fertility again. After all He knits the life together!

I will stay in touch. I send my love to those of you reading.

Max's momma


Heather Kimble said...

I am praying for you...I feel like I have sent this scripture to so many people today...It has been helping and encouraging me that joy will come...I hope it helps you...

Psalm 126:4-6 (NIV)

Restore our fortunes, O LORD, like streams in the Negev.
Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.
He who goes out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with him.

Anonymous said...

Still thinking about you and praying you receive another miracle baby! I wondered why Easter was so hard too, the first since my sister died. I didn't anticipate it worse than any other day but it was just horrid. Sorry it was hard for you too. -Jessica K.

Lorraine-bo said...

I have no words, so I will let the Lord's words speak:

Isaiah 61:2b-3

... to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion —

to bestow on them
a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the LORD
for the display of His splendor

May you & your husband continually feel the arms of the Lord around you. May you trust Him implicitly as you seek to become parents.

Melissa said...

Have followed your journey for months and never had the courage to say anything. Hurts so much to know a mother has to live without her baby, no matter what the purpose. Yes you are right, knowing there is life beyond the grave must bring great comfort, but you still have endured more in this time than one can imagine in a lifetime. I pray you conceive a little brother or sister for him. Many say it never takes the pain away, but it certainly brings joy once again.

From one mommy to another, I am just so so sorry. He was a beautiful boy and he has impacted my life more than you know.

Jess said...

Glad to see you posting. Easter was horrible for me...much harder than Christmas. I think after a few months that initial grief and emotional shock wears off and then you're left with more of the "reality" of the way things are. Or, rather, the way things AREN'T. And I hear ya on the idea of the rest of our lives just seeming like FOREVER. I have that same feeling. But, like you, I just try to redirect my thoughts to thankfulness that the rest of my life on earth isn't IT.

Anonymous said...

Hi Trish,
Leah and I went for a walk last week and stopped to see Max's grave. We walk through the cemetary a lot, it feels comforting for some reason, never scary. The grass is turning green now and pretty soon the trees will sport new leaves. I wish you had Max here to enjoy spring with. I can only imagine how beautiful spring is in heaven.
Thinking of you and Dust,
Amy J. RN

Laura said...

I think of you often....Easter is a hard time for so many. The sting of death and the hope for the future all wrapped up.

Praying for your heart tonight....

Rest well,

boltefamily said...

Praying for you and for your heart as you work on completely trusting God to grow your family.

Love you!

Tammy On the Go said...

Always encouraged to hear from you. You teach me every time.

Rebecca Jo said...

So glad to hear that you & Dustin are thinking about trying again... glad to see you are not DEFEATED! I know you know that God has plans & purposes for everything & if you feel it in your heart for more brothers & sisters for Max - then good for you for following that! I'm glad to see FEAR is NOT stopping you!!

Praying for you all the time!

Anonymous said...

Trish...Another blog follower here and a fellow ND'an. I actually work with a girl that knows you and she mentioned yesterday that you moved "here." It really is a small world.

If I ever run into you, I will say hi. The girl I work with says you are beautiful and I will know you right of way.

You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

I will also be praying for fertility for you. Blessings Trish...Linda

Taylor said...

I am praying for you. I know the uncertainty of infertility and then the fear of losing another child you have prayed so long for.

Anonymous said...

love and miss you....see you at the end of may :) xoxo amber

Susan said...

Thank you for the update...I'll continue praying for you, and that God will bless you again soon.

Susan in Indiana

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

I am praying for you.I enjoyed reading your blog today. I am still new to the land of blog, but so loving reading others stories. Everyone has a story and so many of them are so touching....
Hope you will stop by for a visit.

embaby81 said...

Still praying for you!!!

May you always feel the Lord's loving arms around you.

from Australia