Thank you all so much for praying for us and for not giving me a mouth full for my negative outlook. I have a much more settled spirit this week and my faith is there.
Now, I am really trying to get to the place where I can be of help to my little sister who found out she was three months pregnant a week before we miscarried. Right now I am trying to get past all of the negative emotions it stirs up inside of me. She will be a single mom and needs the help and support of family but putting aside my own hurt over the deal is something I can not do on my own. I was game to be there when I thought we would be there together but now to put on a face of support when it all seems so not right...is just plain difficult to do. She is a 21 year old girl who is just trying to learn to take care of herself and now she is on a road she didn't want or plan for and then here we are spending 4 years, countless tears, prayers, money, and heartache with still no joy in near sight. It just doesn't fit...I knew "such is life" before but it is so different actually living out "such is life". The layer of this part of my life has been an unexpected journey that I find to be at times down right dark to walk through. So once again I ask for your prayers in this area. I love my sister and don't want her to feel any of the pain it causes inside of me also I want to be able to enjoy this new life without the sting...please pray.
On some brighter note, I am trying to advance my job skills by adding photography to the mix. I will hopefully be making an actual income in the next six months or so. I have put together a cheesy blog to share my photography work , feel free to check it out. We also our still trying to put this ancient house together, which shows its age everywhere. We did finish the bathroom which looks pretty amazing. It is a very good thing to have a handy husband!
10.16.2009
10.05.2009
10 months and 7 weeks
I know I have been blogger AWOL for quite some time now. Really it has been quite a road...most of the time I just didn't have the words, other times I couldn't bring myself to post.
I have such a heavy heart. Today is Maxson's 10 month birthday and today I also lost a new life. I went to the doctor this morning to find no heartbeat so I was sent home with some medicine to induce a miscarriage. I know your probably thinking "what, you were pregnant?", yes I was, 7 weeks along I was holding out to give the good news at least until I was 8 weeks. The past months since my post I have went through with two fertility treatments. The second one rendering our hopes! So today is a double dose of pain, I would be lying if I said I was not really struggling with my faith right now. With the loss landing on Max's day and the reality that I feel my fervent, faithful, and hopeful prayers were denied has me spinning in a deep sense of abandonment. I really want to ask for prayers right now, but honestly my bitterness is making that request laced with too much anger and pain. I know I am not immune from heartache, but just the circumstances of it all make it seem like salt on a wound. All in God's timing seems a bit cruel today.
I am so sorry I wanted so bad to bring some joyful news and now I just need to write. I need to ease the weight of this pain. I miss Maxson so much I miss stuff about Max that I never even experienced. I believe the baby I lost today never had a heartbeat, it hurts but for such a different reason. We will try again. I know we will not give up, I am knocked down and my faith is shaken but He will pick me up again...that's all I can hold on to right now.
I have such a heavy heart. Today is Maxson's 10 month birthday and today I also lost a new life. I went to the doctor this morning to find no heartbeat so I was sent home with some medicine to induce a miscarriage. I know your probably thinking "what, you were pregnant?", yes I was, 7 weeks along I was holding out to give the good news at least until I was 8 weeks. The past months since my post I have went through with two fertility treatments. The second one rendering our hopes! So today is a double dose of pain, I would be lying if I said I was not really struggling with my faith right now. With the loss landing on Max's day and the reality that I feel my fervent, faithful, and hopeful prayers were denied has me spinning in a deep sense of abandonment. I really want to ask for prayers right now, but honestly my bitterness is making that request laced with too much anger and pain. I know I am not immune from heartache, but just the circumstances of it all make it seem like salt on a wound. All in God's timing seems a bit cruel today.
I am so sorry I wanted so bad to bring some joyful news and now I just need to write. I need to ease the weight of this pain. I miss Maxson so much I miss stuff about Max that I never even experienced. I believe the baby I lost today never had a heartbeat, it hurts but for such a different reason. We will try again. I know we will not give up, I am knocked down and my faith is shaken but He will pick me up again...that's all I can hold on to right now.
6.25.2009
Dustin
Maxson Linwood is one very lucky boy, I do hope God instilled this in Max. His Daddy loved him so much and he is and would have been such a great dad.
Dustin has this gift, I call it a gift anyway, his mom had it too...he has a way to almost always put everyone else ahead of himself. A way to take care of my needs, Max's needs, and everyone's needs before his own...hmm....except for food, he will steal the last ice cream sandwich. But he truly loves and shows it through many selfless acts. I just wish Max would have been able to experience this warm blanket of love a lot longer than he did.
So Father's Day was okay. But okay is a good thing, I mean you can't expect much more this first Father's Day without our baby boy. Dustin was strong as usual I did see his eyes gloss over when he read a card my sister sent him.
Speaking of Dust, that is one of the many painful subjects that have plagued my mind over the loss of Max. Why Dustin? Why God, his mom then his son? Why so much sorrow for a man who is so selfless? Why can't Dust enjoy his son HERE?
Alright...
that feels better.
Well I thank God for such a wonderful husband and I pray God will bring joy into Dustin's life.
Dustin has this gift, I call it a gift anyway, his mom had it too...he has a way to almost always put everyone else ahead of himself. A way to take care of my needs, Max's needs, and everyone's needs before his own...hmm....except for food, he will steal the last ice cream sandwich. But he truly loves and shows it through many selfless acts. I just wish Max would have been able to experience this warm blanket of love a lot longer than he did.
So Father's Day was okay. But okay is a good thing, I mean you can't expect much more this first Father's Day without our baby boy. Dustin was strong as usual I did see his eyes gloss over when he read a card my sister sent him.
Speaking of Dust, that is one of the many painful subjects that have plagued my mind over the loss of Max. Why Dustin? Why God, his mom then his son? Why so much sorrow for a man who is so selfless? Why can't Dust enjoy his son HERE?
Alright...
that feels better.
Well I thank God for such a wonderful husband and I pray God will bring joy into Dustin's life.
6.15.2009
It has been my longest stretch without posting and checking the blog world news. So today I have been catching up on this "April Rose" thing and all of the mommas blogs I follow. Really I should be writing some bills out but that can wait.
First, Maxson did have his sixth month without a post from me. All I can say is its been hard and its been good. Really my mind goes something like this: Ahh I miss him, aww this pit in my stomach...oh God please help carry this for me...then there are times like this: why don't I feel that missing part? Where is the ache? Max is my son who is not in my arms, please God let me feel the piece of my heart that Max has. Really, God is the only one Great enough to deal with this manic mindset that I have. One day I felt so low that I googled "extreme depression" then later wrote in my journal to God and woke up the next day dancing on the clouds...to be so up and down never happened to me before Maxson. The reason I haven't had words lately is I can't find the words to sum up these emotions.
Second thing I want to write about is my take on this "April Rose" fraud. It is a horrible thing for her to do, but then it takes someone pretty lost to play on a fictitious story of such a great loss. I know she has said she has lost a child in the past but really she has lost any credibility in my book, so who knows. I do forgive her and I pray God helps her too. When it comes down to it I am a sinner as is this woman, and we both have the hope and faith in forgiveness through Jesus Christ... she deserves forgiveness as do we all. A fallen world, a world where people lie, I just hope that this particular web of falsehood doesn't tarnish the support for other mom's and families that need this outlet. This blog world has been a saving grace to me many times. Please know there are so many of us on here who are opening up a part of our lives that are truly wounded and need your prayers and thoughts. Just please try not to let this hinder you from praying for someone you feel led to do so for.
I have a doctors appointment this week. I was going into this fertility thing again with a plan not to share it with those close to me. Lately the anxiety of it all has been heavy on my mind. I can't do it alone I need you to storm Heaven for Dust and I. We need the support of our family and friends. And while I may not be sharing every detailed event in this journey with our family and friends as I did last time I will share we are on the road again. Please ask God to supply us with the strength to handle what may be ahead, please seek a miracle in your prayers for us.
with love,
Max's momma
First, Maxson did have his sixth month without a post from me. All I can say is its been hard and its been good. Really my mind goes something like this: Ahh I miss him, aww this pit in my stomach...oh God please help carry this for me...then there are times like this: why don't I feel that missing part? Where is the ache? Max is my son who is not in my arms, please God let me feel the piece of my heart that Max has. Really, God is the only one Great enough to deal with this manic mindset that I have. One day I felt so low that I googled "extreme depression" then later wrote in my journal to God and woke up the next day dancing on the clouds...to be so up and down never happened to me before Maxson. The reason I haven't had words lately is I can't find the words to sum up these emotions.
Second thing I want to write about is my take on this "April Rose" fraud. It is a horrible thing for her to do, but then it takes someone pretty lost to play on a fictitious story of such a great loss. I know she has said she has lost a child in the past but really she has lost any credibility in my book, so who knows. I do forgive her and I pray God helps her too. When it comes down to it I am a sinner as is this woman, and we both have the hope and faith in forgiveness through Jesus Christ... she deserves forgiveness as do we all. A fallen world, a world where people lie, I just hope that this particular web of falsehood doesn't tarnish the support for other mom's and families that need this outlet. This blog world has been a saving grace to me many times. Please know there are so many of us on here who are opening up a part of our lives that are truly wounded and need your prayers and thoughts. Just please try not to let this hinder you from praying for someone you feel led to do so for.
I have a doctors appointment this week. I was going into this fertility thing again with a plan not to share it with those close to me. Lately the anxiety of it all has been heavy on my mind. I can't do it alone I need you to storm Heaven for Dust and I. We need the support of our family and friends. And while I may not be sharing every detailed event in this journey with our family and friends as I did last time I will share we are on the road again. Please ask God to supply us with the strength to handle what may be ahead, please seek a miracle in your prayers for us.
with love,
Max's momma
5.20.2009
The Mother at Heart
I do realize when my co-workers, strangers, and even some friends look at me they don't see a Mom. To be honest when I look in the mirror or finish a day out I don't feel like a mom. Nothing in my day usually reflects being a mom. To count how many times I have longed to be drug out of bed with a crying baby or to leave a store unfinished to save others ears from my crying baby or to not be out at a peaceful dinner. To those with kids this may sound odd, to long for the not so joyful times of motherhood, to want it all... the good the bad and the ugly! But coming through to where I'm at now... what I wouldn't give to be up all night with my crying baby boy. So, I don't appear to be a mom I don't have any of the usual tells, besides the unkept hair at times, but what I do have is the Mother's heart which now knows the love of her child, and now longs for everything Max would have given, the disgusting diapers and all.
With all that being said, this past Mother's Day I actually felt like a Mom. In part to many friends and family that acknowledged me as so and in part to prayers. I was really expecting a dreadful day. Dust and I took off to my hometown and surprised my mom, we cleaned her house and spent the day honoring her and in turn I felt pretty peaceful and my soul didn't ache as much as I was expecting. We even visited Maxson's grave for the second time, which though sad held much more peace than the first time.
I love and am immensely grateful for all your sweet comments. Some have come when I needed the words most. Thanks for the prayers on Mother's Day and the continued support. I know this blog may be viewed by other mom's who have lost or know that loss lies ahead of them, and my hope is along with my posts and your comments we may bring comfort or hope to a Momma in pain. I know I sound like a broken record but the choice we made to carry Max's life out is one I would never ever take back. And I so remember the initial days after we were told about Maxson's condition and all the many emotions that plagued my vision. Then I couldn't have dreamed what joy, comfort, love, encouragement, peace, memories, and friendships would lie ahead of me. Sure more than my taking of grief, pain, sorrow, anger and loneliness have been felt too, it's just back in August I didn't see any good in the days ahead of me all I saw was the pain. So please pray for the other Mother's hearts out there tonight who ache at knowing the coming loss of their child or who are grieving the loss now.
with love,
Trish
With all that being said, this past Mother's Day I actually felt like a Mom. In part to many friends and family that acknowledged me as so and in part to prayers. I was really expecting a dreadful day. Dust and I took off to my hometown and surprised my mom, we cleaned her house and spent the day honoring her and in turn I felt pretty peaceful and my soul didn't ache as much as I was expecting. We even visited Maxson's grave for the second time, which though sad held much more peace than the first time.
I love and am immensely grateful for all your sweet comments. Some have come when I needed the words most. Thanks for the prayers on Mother's Day and the continued support. I know this blog may be viewed by other mom's who have lost or know that loss lies ahead of them, and my hope is along with my posts and your comments we may bring comfort or hope to a Momma in pain. I know I sound like a broken record but the choice we made to carry Max's life out is one I would never ever take back. And I so remember the initial days after we were told about Maxson's condition and all the many emotions that plagued my vision. Then I couldn't have dreamed what joy, comfort, love, encouragement, peace, memories, and friendships would lie ahead of me. Sure more than my taking of grief, pain, sorrow, anger and loneliness have been felt too, it's just back in August I didn't see any good in the days ahead of me all I saw was the pain. So please pray for the other Mother's hearts out there tonight who ache at knowing the coming loss of their child or who are grieving the loss now.
with love,
Trish
5.08.2009
Remembering
I have been for quite some time, planning on looking back on Max's birthday and writing out the day and days after. One, I know it will be healing, two I want you all to be able to know what went on that day, and three for my son's day to be remembered in writing. I do have a lot of the day on video and plan to edit something together sometime but I want to wait until I am ready to watch the video in whole, which I haven't had the courage to do so thus far. I will at some point. But for now I want to share with you in words.
December 5, 2008
Dust and I were to the hospital around 5:30 on the 5th. The rest of my family and friends joined us around 6 am. Everything that morning felt surreal. We were blessed to have a nurse that was incredibly real, and with us through the day and into the night. It was the first time she ever took part in a delivery such as ours, the grace and strength she gave to everyone was beyond what anyone expected. I for one didn't understand the importance of her job that day. Now, knowing what was before her that day leaves me with a new respect for what nurses do and are capable of giving.
She arrived along with a few other doctors at least I think they were doctors. They all introduced themselves and gave me an idea of what to expect in the operating room. It was really like a dream leading up to Max's arrival. My doctor prayed with us, I felt secure in her care. Another nurse offered to video and our photographers were there ready to snap pictures. For anyone who has been through a c-section I'm sure you know the crazy ER experience of the operating room. My family and friends prayed and waited together in the waiting room. After they prepared me, with a catheter in all, Dust was able to come in and be by my side. From when my Dr. started the incision to when I had a glimpse of Max over the curtain felt like seconds and it was only minutes. My c-section was scheduled at 7:30 am and Max was lifted over the curtain at 7:33 am.
Love at first sight doesn't do justice to the way my heart soared looking at his face. I went to some place... Jesus I believe carried me from that moment on. The part of the video I have seen was when they were trying to get Max to breath. This felt like seconds to me again, but in reality was much longer. They worked on him for some time and I just was able to have peace and watch his sweet face for what I thought was seconds. I do remember wanting desperately to switch spots with him, to not have to watch him struggle to breath. But God took time away which now thinking back if I would've felt time I don't know if I could have made it through and kept my composure. Composure was so important that day, if I would have lost it the memories would have been tarnished to just pain, there was so much more there that day than just pain.
Then he was in my arms. Dust and I enjoyed Maxson and were able to feel such true joy as this little life graced us with his time.
It was time for us to be moved to a special room that allowed all of my family and friends to meet Maxson. I was moved out of the operating room with Maxson in my arms and alive. At this point if my memory serves me right Max started this cooing sound that while it sounded cute and promising my nurse informed us it was the sound of him becoming tired. The doctor told me Max would become tired and that no amount of time could be given but that it wasn't long. This is another moment I felt a powerful strength given to me. I didn't break down I just enjoyed his presence. I let my family hold him real quick and back on my chest he went. My pastor was there and we dedicated Max to the Lord. And I just felt in awe of his life, watching and feeling him with me can't be put into words to express the amazement and love it carried. My nurse informed us he was becoming tired. At some point I turned Max to face me. He looked into my eyes I felt for a moment he knew I was his mamma and then a absent glaze came over his eyes. His heart came to a stop shortly after this 10:44 am.
Immediately after his heart stopped a time of pure agony came on but was short lived, I again felt some strength come (your prayers were there, and I felt all of them). We gave Max a bath and took some pictures with him. Then we enjoyed him just being in our arms even though it was just physical.
I have some great friends and my friends have some great men in their lives. One of my friend's husband is so real and honest, and I deeply respect him for his honesty, he told me later that when he came to visit he thought it was weird that we were all happily hanging out with a baby who had passed. But when he entered the room and had the chance to hold Max his view changed. He thought it was the most beautiful real experience he has ever had the chance to share. I wanted to share this thought because I understand that it may seem weird to have joy and peace holding a child that has gone to be with Jesus. But it wasn't. I held and shared Max with family and friends until 9 that night.
I was moved to a private room in the OB some time during the day. This is the room I would spend the next few days. Some of my friends did my makeup and hair so we could have a few more pictures with Maxson as a family. My girlfriends that day were able to experience everything with us and I am so grateful they did. Not only cause it made Max's life so real to them, it helped me and helps me to know that they just know.
My family was there all day the love and support they provided really carried me through. Dust was so strong and I could see the love he had for his son all over his face. A proud papa! Being able to see my Dad and Mom enjoy their grandson's life are memories I have that I wouldn't trade for any amount of money. I spent a lot of the day pulling Max to my face and kissing his little head. Best kiss ever! I only lost it completely when the funeral home came and took him away. My family was there to help me through this part. They did offer me the chance to keep Max till morning something we decided not to do, some days I regret this other days I feel peace about our choice.
December 6, 2008
When awoke the next day is when it fully hit me. I felt like I woke up with my legs amputated. I felt ripped in two not from the physical pain of the c-section but from my baby not being where he was supposed to, in my arms or beneath my heart. Ahh, this was the hardest part of the whole journey the time when I can say the pain about did me in. Dust didn't know what to do with me, he called my parents and my whole family came in to console me. Later that day a close friend came and laid with me in my bed all day. I drifted in and out . Not only did Dustin lose his son but he had to watch me go through such a difficult time this thought alone can bring tears to my eyes.
The next few days were really hard for us. Nights especially, I would wake up and Dust would be sleeping and the reality would hit me again and again. One night there was a nurse I don't remember her name or know if I would recognize her face, she said she was called in and never really works in OB, anyway she held me while I cried and shared her own loss of two children with me. A Godsend? I believe so but I don't believe in coincidences being that, I believe in a higher power working in a higher way, some call it miracles. She was there that night to help me maybe like no else could.
Dustin slept in a chair next to my bed every night, poor guy. My sister Shelly stayed late visiting with us a couple of the nights, which says a lot because of her busy life. Prayers were pleaded and loads of support were offered. I know I have stated this before but having and losing Max was such a humbling experience.
My hope in writing this out is I may heal a bit more today, and that you may become even more a part of that day! I know this post is filled with lots of tears and pain, I pray you are also able to see the joy and the very real, beautiful story God wrote through Max's life.
with love,
Trish
December 5, 2008
Dust and I were to the hospital around 5:30 on the 5th. The rest of my family and friends joined us around 6 am. Everything that morning felt surreal. We were blessed to have a nurse that was incredibly real, and with us through the day and into the night. It was the first time she ever took part in a delivery such as ours, the grace and strength she gave to everyone was beyond what anyone expected. I for one didn't understand the importance of her job that day. Now, knowing what was before her that day leaves me with a new respect for what nurses do and are capable of giving.
She arrived along with a few other doctors at least I think they were doctors. They all introduced themselves and gave me an idea of what to expect in the operating room. It was really like a dream leading up to Max's arrival. My doctor prayed with us, I felt secure in her care. Another nurse offered to video and our photographers were there ready to snap pictures. For anyone who has been through a c-section I'm sure you know the crazy ER experience of the operating room. My family and friends prayed and waited together in the waiting room. After they prepared me, with a catheter in all, Dust was able to come in and be by my side. From when my Dr. started the incision to when I had a glimpse of Max over the curtain felt like seconds and it was only minutes. My c-section was scheduled at 7:30 am and Max was lifted over the curtain at 7:33 am.
Love at first sight doesn't do justice to the way my heart soared looking at his face. I went to some place... Jesus I believe carried me from that moment on. The part of the video I have seen was when they were trying to get Max to breath. This felt like seconds to me again, but in reality was much longer. They worked on him for some time and I just was able to have peace and watch his sweet face for what I thought was seconds. I do remember wanting desperately to switch spots with him, to not have to watch him struggle to breath. But God took time away which now thinking back if I would've felt time I don't know if I could have made it through and kept my composure. Composure was so important that day, if I would have lost it the memories would have been tarnished to just pain, there was so much more there that day than just pain.
Then he was in my arms. Dust and I enjoyed Maxson and were able to feel such true joy as this little life graced us with his time.
It was time for us to be moved to a special room that allowed all of my family and friends to meet Maxson. I was moved out of the operating room with Maxson in my arms and alive. At this point if my memory serves me right Max started this cooing sound that while it sounded cute and promising my nurse informed us it was the sound of him becoming tired. The doctor told me Max would become tired and that no amount of time could be given but that it wasn't long. This is another moment I felt a powerful strength given to me. I didn't break down I just enjoyed his presence. I let my family hold him real quick and back on my chest he went. My pastor was there and we dedicated Max to the Lord. And I just felt in awe of his life, watching and feeling him with me can't be put into words to express the amazement and love it carried. My nurse informed us he was becoming tired. At some point I turned Max to face me. He looked into my eyes I felt for a moment he knew I was his mamma and then a absent glaze came over his eyes. His heart came to a stop shortly after this 10:44 am.
Immediately after his heart stopped a time of pure agony came on but was short lived, I again felt some strength come (your prayers were there, and I felt all of them). We gave Max a bath and took some pictures with him. Then we enjoyed him just being in our arms even though it was just physical.
I have some great friends and my friends have some great men in their lives. One of my friend's husband is so real and honest, and I deeply respect him for his honesty, he told me later that when he came to visit he thought it was weird that we were all happily hanging out with a baby who had passed. But when he entered the room and had the chance to hold Max his view changed. He thought it was the most beautiful real experience he has ever had the chance to share. I wanted to share this thought because I understand that it may seem weird to have joy and peace holding a child that has gone to be with Jesus. But it wasn't. I held and shared Max with family and friends until 9 that night.
I was moved to a private room in the OB some time during the day. This is the room I would spend the next few days. Some of my friends did my makeup and hair so we could have a few more pictures with Maxson as a family. My girlfriends that day were able to experience everything with us and I am so grateful they did. Not only cause it made Max's life so real to them, it helped me and helps me to know that they just know.
My family was there all day the love and support they provided really carried me through. Dust was so strong and I could see the love he had for his son all over his face. A proud papa! Being able to see my Dad and Mom enjoy their grandson's life are memories I have that I wouldn't trade for any amount of money. I spent a lot of the day pulling Max to my face and kissing his little head. Best kiss ever! I only lost it completely when the funeral home came and took him away. My family was there to help me through this part. They did offer me the chance to keep Max till morning something we decided not to do, some days I regret this other days I feel peace about our choice.
December 6, 2008
When awoke the next day is when it fully hit me. I felt like I woke up with my legs amputated. I felt ripped in two not from the physical pain of the c-section but from my baby not being where he was supposed to, in my arms or beneath my heart. Ahh, this was the hardest part of the whole journey the time when I can say the pain about did me in. Dust didn't know what to do with me, he called my parents and my whole family came in to console me. Later that day a close friend came and laid with me in my bed all day. I drifted in and out . Not only did Dustin lose his son but he had to watch me go through such a difficult time this thought alone can bring tears to my eyes.
The next few days were really hard for us. Nights especially, I would wake up and Dust would be sleeping and the reality would hit me again and again. One night there was a nurse I don't remember her name or know if I would recognize her face, she said she was called in and never really works in OB, anyway she held me while I cried and shared her own loss of two children with me. A Godsend? I believe so but I don't believe in coincidences being that, I believe in a higher power working in a higher way, some call it miracles. She was there that night to help me maybe like no else could.
Dustin slept in a chair next to my bed every night, poor guy. My sister Shelly stayed late visiting with us a couple of the nights, which says a lot because of her busy life. Prayers were pleaded and loads of support were offered. I know I have stated this before but having and losing Max was such a humbling experience.
My hope in writing this out is I may heal a bit more today, and that you may become even more a part of that day! I know this post is filled with lots of tears and pain, I pray you are also able to see the joy and the very real, beautiful story God wrote through Max's life.
with love,
Trish
5.05.2009
5 5 5
Today is the fifth month since Maxson was born and went to be in heaven, it is also the 5th month of the year, and it is the 5th, hence the title.
I miss Max today... more than other days, I don't think so. My arms and heart feel so heavy when I think about his sweet face. I have been trying to think on the fact that if Max was here today he would be struggling with health problems in some way. I can't tell you this eases the fact he's not in my life but it does give some sort of peace that he is healed and not in pain.
I want my son to know I feel so privileged to have carried his life, to have kissed his face, to have looked into his eyes. Dust and I want to share the love we have for him with little brothers and sisters. We want to find a way to keep spreading the love he has brought into this world. We want his face to be etched into our memory along with the feeling of his skin. We want others, who may have to walk this road,to know that choosing to carry Maxson was a decision we would never take back. Not just because of our morals, the memories and all the moments we had the chance to experience with our son make the choice we made beyond worth it.
If you are reading this and recently had a grim prenatal diagnosis, please know you can contact us with any questions you may have. Know you are not alone and that the feelings of not being able to continue are normal and just part of the emotional journey you are on.
For everyone who has prayed, read, and thought about us I can't thank you enough. God had a bigger picture for Maxson's life than I would have ever imagined, after receiving the news he wouldn't be a child we would keep here I struggled with wanting my son's life to have purpose. You all have fulfilled that desire, I love hearing how Max's life has impacted others. The comments on this blog by people that are touched or changed by Maxson's life greatly encourage us in our sorrow. So, thank you thank you thank you! We love you all!
Max's mommy
I miss Max today... more than other days, I don't think so. My arms and heart feel so heavy when I think about his sweet face. I have been trying to think on the fact that if Max was here today he would be struggling with health problems in some way. I can't tell you this eases the fact he's not in my life but it does give some sort of peace that he is healed and not in pain.
I want my son to know I feel so privileged to have carried his life, to have kissed his face, to have looked into his eyes. Dust and I want to share the love we have for him with little brothers and sisters. We want to find a way to keep spreading the love he has brought into this world. We want his face to be etched into our memory along with the feeling of his skin. We want others, who may have to walk this road,to know that choosing to carry Maxson was a decision we would never take back. Not just because of our morals, the memories and all the moments we had the chance to experience with our son make the choice we made beyond worth it.
If you are reading this and recently had a grim prenatal diagnosis, please know you can contact us with any questions you may have. Know you are not alone and that the feelings of not being able to continue are normal and just part of the emotional journey you are on.
For everyone who has prayed, read, and thought about us I can't thank you enough. God had a bigger picture for Maxson's life than I would have ever imagined, after receiving the news he wouldn't be a child we would keep here I struggled with wanting my son's life to have purpose. You all have fulfilled that desire, I love hearing how Max's life has impacted others. The comments on this blog by people that are touched or changed by Maxson's life greatly encourage us in our sorrow. So, thank you thank you thank you! We love you all!
Max's mommy
4.23.2009
Catching Up
It has been awhile since I have posted. Many times I have tried but my mind has been so scattered and life has been so busy, a lot of time I just have anxiety of how I am going to get everything done that I need to (anxiety is something new for me, yuk).
First, I am working with that production company I wrote about earlier. They are the nicest people and I am really excited for the chance to do what I went to school for. So thank you for your prayers not only am I working with a couple who are willing to give me work they are also willing to mentor me, that I may improve on my skill. Serving is still alive and I am a bit over scheduled but hopefully I can figure out on how to balance the two without getting stressed.
Easter was really hard. Just like Christmas when the day was over a weight was lifted. I don't know the reason for this. I don't understand why the pain was so raw that day. Just more I don't knows, I don't understands I have to find a place of peace with. Some days I really battle with the reason I am not holding Max and the fact I have to live with this maybe until I'm over a hundred -ahhh. I have to learn this new normal and keep joy and hope in living this life without a piece of my heart. I can't remember where I read this but the author said losing a loved one is like losing a limb. You have to learn to live without that limb, you can't live the way you did before, you have to accept and learn to live a life different than it would have been. So I will continue to learn, to accept that my life is going to have to find a new normal...and I am. God is here, HE hasn't given up on me. I know He has a lot of work to do in me. Only God knows His plans for me and I am trying to trust Him.
Last weekend I visited Maxson's grave for the first time since we laid him to rest. Keep in mind I am from ND and it was my first chance to see his grave because of the massive amount of snow we've had. And I moved away. But we went back, if you couldn't tell I have felt guilt for not visiting his grave earlier but rationally I know he isn't there anyway.
Anyway, it hurt. Ahh, I hated the idea of having to visit Max's grave, this is a loaded statement and I don't mean that I don't want to it just sucks! I cried real ugly and left with missing him more than when I arrived. It was the first visit so I'm sure it will become a place where there is more than just deep moans and longings. I really can't imagine if I didn't have my faith. If I thought that grave was it. Wow, the emptiness of that.
Dust and I have talked and God willing we want to start fertility at the end of the summer or maybe sooner. I still have just as deep of a desire to Mother and I want Maxson to have a brother or sister or maybe even a bunch. Is this scary? More than I could put in words. Not only the pregnancy and birth the fact of any of my future children dying before me is what scares me. That's the trusting God part I'm working on. I don't know if I've shared but fertility issues go both ways for Dust and me. We both have factors that make it difficult and a complete miracle if it were to happen naturally. But knowing that still doesn't count out that hope I have every month. Then the curse comes and I deal and I anticipate next month. It just takes once for God to work a great miracle and my faith that He could is no less now than a year and some months ago. But we both believe God created us and therefore the science we have been able to cultivate, we will try fertility again. After all He knits the life together!
I will stay in touch. I send my love to those of you reading.
Max's momma
First, I am working with that production company I wrote about earlier. They are the nicest people and I am really excited for the chance to do what I went to school for. So thank you for your prayers not only am I working with a couple who are willing to give me work they are also willing to mentor me, that I may improve on my skill. Serving is still alive and I am a bit over scheduled but hopefully I can figure out on how to balance the two without getting stressed.
Easter was really hard. Just like Christmas when the day was over a weight was lifted. I don't know the reason for this. I don't understand why the pain was so raw that day. Just more I don't knows, I don't understands I have to find a place of peace with. Some days I really battle with the reason I am not holding Max and the fact I have to live with this maybe until I'm over a hundred -ahhh. I have to learn this new normal and keep joy and hope in living this life without a piece of my heart. I can't remember where I read this but the author said losing a loved one is like losing a limb. You have to learn to live without that limb, you can't live the way you did before, you have to accept and learn to live a life different than it would have been. So I will continue to learn, to accept that my life is going to have to find a new normal...and I am. God is here, HE hasn't given up on me. I know He has a lot of work to do in me. Only God knows His plans for me and I am trying to trust Him.
Last weekend I visited Maxson's grave for the first time since we laid him to rest. Keep in mind I am from ND and it was my first chance to see his grave because of the massive amount of snow we've had. And I moved away. But we went back, if you couldn't tell I have felt guilt for not visiting his grave earlier but rationally I know he isn't there anyway.
Anyway, it hurt. Ahh, I hated the idea of having to visit Max's grave, this is a loaded statement and I don't mean that I don't want to it just sucks! I cried real ugly and left with missing him more than when I arrived. It was the first visit so I'm sure it will become a place where there is more than just deep moans and longings. I really can't imagine if I didn't have my faith. If I thought that grave was it. Wow, the emptiness of that.
Dust and I have talked and God willing we want to start fertility at the end of the summer or maybe sooner. I still have just as deep of a desire to Mother and I want Maxson to have a brother or sister or maybe even a bunch. Is this scary? More than I could put in words. Not only the pregnancy and birth the fact of any of my future children dying before me is what scares me. That's the trusting God part I'm working on. I don't know if I've shared but fertility issues go both ways for Dust and me. We both have factors that make it difficult and a complete miracle if it were to happen naturally. But knowing that still doesn't count out that hope I have every month. Then the curse comes and I deal and I anticipate next month. It just takes once for God to work a great miracle and my faith that He could is no less now than a year and some months ago. But we both believe God created us and therefore the science we have been able to cultivate, we will try fertility again. After all He knits the life together!
I will stay in touch. I send my love to those of you reading.
Max's momma
4.05.2009
Love Remains
Four months
Today has been hard. Hard in that I can't quite think on Max too long without feeling that I am going to break down and I just don't want to. I have cried more in the last 8 months than I have in my entire life. I'm not a girl who cries pretty. My face turns red, my eyes swell, heck my whole my face swells. I can let a few tears escape but if I give in to the cry I will then deal with aftermath. I'm tired of dealing with aftermath. In all sorts. So, yes today many tears have escaped but I'm keeping the cry in today.
I have searched a bit deeper today about my love for Maxson. And this is where my thoughts led me: Here out I have this love. No one can take it away or steal it. Well, it can't be seen or noticed by others it is here forever. It physically holds me and it will always be one of my most valuable possessions. Even though love is not tangible I feel like I can embrace it, hold it, that is how powerful the love I feel for Max is.
So, I don't have my son here to hold, to raise, to nurture, to kiss, to see grow, to laugh with, and this list could go on and on. But now I have the love, the love remains.
What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love becomes a part of us.
Helen Keller
Happy four months in Heaven Maxson.
Today has been hard. Hard in that I can't quite think on Max too long without feeling that I am going to break down and I just don't want to. I have cried more in the last 8 months than I have in my entire life. I'm not a girl who cries pretty. My face turns red, my eyes swell, heck my whole my face swells. I can let a few tears escape but if I give in to the cry I will then deal with aftermath. I'm tired of dealing with aftermath. In all sorts. So, yes today many tears have escaped but I'm keeping the cry in today.
I have searched a bit deeper today about my love for Maxson. And this is where my thoughts led me: Here out I have this love. No one can take it away or steal it. Well, it can't be seen or noticed by others it is here forever. It physically holds me and it will always be one of my most valuable possessions. Even though love is not tangible I feel like I can embrace it, hold it, that is how powerful the love I feel for Max is.
So, I don't have my son here to hold, to raise, to nurture, to kiss, to see grow, to laugh with, and this list could go on and on. But now I have the love, the love remains.
What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love becomes a part of us.
Helen Keller
Happy four months in Heaven Maxson.
3.28.2009
Usually I start with a topic, a subject of importance to share or a thought I need to search on, tonight I have scattered happenings and thoughts I feel to share. So needless to say no title.
First, a little personal happenings...
Today at work I had the trial of serving a baby shower at the restrauant I work at. The people I work with don't know about my journey with Max, well they do if they have asked if I have children. But they don't. They don't know the amazing, joyful, sorrow-filled, loving part. Of course then, they asked me to take the banquet, the baby shower. To say this was an easy job would be a HUGE understatement. Baby gifts, a new born, another pregnant attendee, and a room full of mom's celebrating the happy joy of a new mom was enough to put me at a place where... I fought tears, I fought angry bitter thoughts, I fought screaming do you know what I am going through right now to every mom there, including my co-workers. I held it together at least enough for show. I teared up many times and sucked it back to the best of my ability. Serving these ladies and listening to all the happy stories of a newborn and all the sharing of the joy, it was hard. But I made it. Right now I still feel the break down at the back of my throat.
Second, I haven't previously shared about much personal stuff other than Maxson and my journey through grief of course. But I want to share that Dust and I bought a home in foreclosure some time ago. It is a very old home and we have been spending much of any free time renovating this home. Tearing out walls, re-doing hardwoods, tearing wallpaper, painting, and tonight painting trim and repainting a wall color I detested.
We were not even looking for a home, my parents were actually. But we stumbled across this home and wanted to take a peek at it. It was love at first sight, the work pit that it is, had us at first visit. We put in a bid lower than we thought would be expected, and BAM we got it. I guess we were the only crazy ones to put in the work it needs. We prayed about the home and I really felt it was a God send. The home has released so much feelings, every little scrap of wall paper I tore off let out some built up emotion. Plus, it has kept us extremely busy. We have had family stay and to have our own home again to share is pretty cool, we did live with my parents for Max's whole time in my tummy and some after he left this world. God knew we needed this.
Lastly, one of my dear blog mom friends Kristy, mom of Isaac and Asher, has been given wonderful news that the baby girl she carries now is healthy, after a scare that there may be something wrong. I feel so much joy tonight knowing she can rest easy and truly enjoy the remainder of her pregnancy. On the flip side to this please continue to pray for Stellan's mom and baby Stellan as his heart fights to find the norm. He has one strong momma fighting for him, right now though she needs prayer as she is growing weary.
Now you can figure why there is no subject to tie these scattered words. I thank you for your great prayers, I know they have helped us SO much. Right now I am eternally thankful to a God who has given me a wonderful husband, a great family, a good list of real friends, a home, a job, and a baby boy that I can't go too many moments without loving on his memory.
Just one more tidbit on the job thing, I have an interview to do some freelance work with a production company please pray that it works out. I don't know if I have shared previously but I did pay some heavy dough for a degree in Digital video production. My goal is to edit for this company but I am willing to shoot or help in any way. Serving brings in some nice cash but my desire is to edit video. Please pray. If I do get the work I still plan to serve but I really want some work that I truly enjoy.
Thank you and I send my love to you all.
Trish
Max's momma
First, a little personal happenings...
Today at work I had the trial of serving a baby shower at the restrauant I work at. The people I work with don't know about my journey with Max, well they do if they have asked if I have children. But they don't. They don't know the amazing, joyful, sorrow-filled, loving part. Of course then, they asked me to take the banquet, the baby shower. To say this was an easy job would be a HUGE understatement. Baby gifts, a new born, another pregnant attendee, and a room full of mom's celebrating the happy joy of a new mom was enough to put me at a place where... I fought tears, I fought angry bitter thoughts, I fought screaming do you know what I am going through right now to every mom there, including my co-workers. I held it together at least enough for show. I teared up many times and sucked it back to the best of my ability. Serving these ladies and listening to all the happy stories of a newborn and all the sharing of the joy, it was hard. But I made it. Right now I still feel the break down at the back of my throat.
Second, I haven't previously shared about much personal stuff other than Maxson and my journey through grief of course. But I want to share that Dust and I bought a home in foreclosure some time ago. It is a very old home and we have been spending much of any free time renovating this home. Tearing out walls, re-doing hardwoods, tearing wallpaper, painting, and tonight painting trim and repainting a wall color I detested.
We were not even looking for a home, my parents were actually. But we stumbled across this home and wanted to take a peek at it. It was love at first sight, the work pit that it is, had us at first visit. We put in a bid lower than we thought would be expected, and BAM we got it. I guess we were the only crazy ones to put in the work it needs. We prayed about the home and I really felt it was a God send. The home has released so much feelings, every little scrap of wall paper I tore off let out some built up emotion. Plus, it has kept us extremely busy. We have had family stay and to have our own home again to share is pretty cool, we did live with my parents for Max's whole time in my tummy and some after he left this world. God knew we needed this.
Lastly, one of my dear blog mom friends Kristy, mom of Isaac and Asher, has been given wonderful news that the baby girl she carries now is healthy, after a scare that there may be something wrong. I feel so much joy tonight knowing she can rest easy and truly enjoy the remainder of her pregnancy. On the flip side to this please continue to pray for Stellan's mom and baby Stellan as his heart fights to find the norm. He has one strong momma fighting for him, right now though she needs prayer as she is growing weary.
Now you can figure why there is no subject to tie these scattered words. I thank you for your great prayers, I know they have helped us SO much. Right now I am eternally thankful to a God who has given me a wonderful husband, a great family, a good list of real friends, a home, a job, and a baby boy that I can't go too many moments without loving on his memory.
Just one more tidbit on the job thing, I have an interview to do some freelance work with a production company please pray that it works out. I don't know if I have shared previously but I did pay some heavy dough for a degree in Digital video production. My goal is to edit for this company but I am willing to shoot or help in any way. Serving brings in some nice cash but my desire is to edit video. Please pray. If I do get the work I still plan to serve but I really want some work that I truly enjoy.
Thank you and I send my love to you all.
Trish
Max's momma
3.24.2009
Pray for Stellan
Please pray for sweet baby Stellan. He is in the Children's hospital and needs your prayers as his heart is sick.
Stellan's mom was told he wasn't going to live when she was pregnant with him...but he lived, he was born healthy and now is four months old. Pray for healing for strength, for this family to be carried through this with a happy ending. To learn more about Stellan and his family visit their blog.
Stellan's mom was told he wasn't going to live when she was pregnant with him...but he lived, he was born healthy and now is four months old. Pray for healing for strength, for this family to be carried through this with a happy ending. To learn more about Stellan and his family visit their blog.
3.23.2009
News
We got back late last night. The weekend was extremely busy, but it was great to see and catch up with family and friends. I am now emotionally exhausted but feel greatly blessed by the chance to see everyone.
Maxson's charity raffle was a great success. I believe the total was around 1,400, that's about 6 songs for children! Six children will be positively affected through Max's life. The different items donated touched my heart. Dustin has a great group of people he works with, they really show their more than co-workers!! It was truly one of the nicest things anyone could do to honor Max's life.
I just finished reading a post by a blog mom that has been on the same journey as I have. She has inspired and lifted me up many times in my own pain. Today, her post was so true and her words were helpful to me and I'm sure they will be to you, so I am linking her post for you to read. It will be a great help for those who have a difficult time knowing how to help a friend or family member who has lost a child. http://sgirl79.blogspot.com/2009/03/how-to-help-grieving-friend.html
Please continue to lift Dust and I up in prayer, I am always coveting prayer. The grief we bare wears us down, at times it really affects our relationship, and at times I feel so completely alone and overwhelmed. Bad days and good days, I guess. Thank you and love you all.
Trish
Maxson's charity raffle was a great success. I believe the total was around 1,400, that's about 6 songs for children! Six children will be positively affected through Max's life. The different items donated touched my heart. Dustin has a great group of people he works with, they really show their more than co-workers!! It was truly one of the nicest things anyone could do to honor Max's life.
I just finished reading a post by a blog mom that has been on the same journey as I have. She has inspired and lifted me up many times in my own pain. Today, her post was so true and her words were helpful to me and I'm sure they will be to you, so I am linking her post for you to read. It will be a great help for those who have a difficult time knowing how to help a friend or family member who has lost a child. http://sgirl79.blogspot.com/2009/03/how-to-help-grieving-friend.html
Please continue to lift Dust and I up in prayer, I am always coveting prayer. The grief we bare wears us down, at times it really affects our relationship, and at times I feel so completely alone and overwhelmed. Bad days and good days, I guess. Thank you and love you all.
Trish
3.18.2009
Charity Raffle
This Friday Dustin's fellow employees are having a luncheon and raffle with all the proceeds going to Songs of Love in Maxson's name. It is such a gift to have everyone be able to come together and give to an organization that has such an amazing mission. As Maxson's mom I feel so good that while Max's time here was short he left such an impression that now cause of his life other children will be lifted up through music.
Dust's company let us choose the charity and we choose "Songs of Love", as we know they are struggling to meet the number of song requests they get from terminally ill children. With the present economy being the way it is they need all the help they can get for one, disease is not slowing down and sick kids need hope! I really believe in what they do and am excited about the chance to give. Please feel free to check out their website on my side bar and if you know of a sick child that may need the encouragement of song just for them please make sure to tell their parents about this organization.
Songs of Love did write a song for Maxson. You can hear it on the player, its the second song. Max didn't get to hear his song. But it brought a lot of comfort to his Dad and me. And I know this organization will bring a lot of hope to other kids facing grim futures.
So yeah! I love that Maxson's name goes on. I hope Max's finger prints are all over many songs that help to give hope to the innocent in affliction.
I will catch you up on how it goes next week. Thanks for your prayers.
with much love,
Trish
I wanted to leave you with this poem I found on another Mom's site.
I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today.
I asked "what makes a Mother?" and I know I heard him say:
"A mother has a baby" this we know is true.
"But God can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?"
"Yes you can," he replied with confidence in his voice
"I give many women babies when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay."
"I just dont understand this God I want my baby here.
"He took a breath and cleared his throat and then I saw a tear
"I wish that I could show you what your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile with other children who say:
"We go to Earth and learn our lessons of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
"I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep on her pillow's where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear
Mommy dont be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.
"So you see my dear sweet one your children are okay
Your babies are here in my home they'll be at heaven's gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother its the feeling in your heart.
Its the love you had so much of right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with me one day and you'll know that youre the best one.
"by Jennifer Wasikin
memory of Zachary Thomas Wasik
Dust's company let us choose the charity and we choose "Songs of Love", as we know they are struggling to meet the number of song requests they get from terminally ill children. With the present economy being the way it is they need all the help they can get for one, disease is not slowing down and sick kids need hope! I really believe in what they do and am excited about the chance to give. Please feel free to check out their website on my side bar and if you know of a sick child that may need the encouragement of song just for them please make sure to tell their parents about this organization.
Songs of Love did write a song for Maxson. You can hear it on the player, its the second song. Max didn't get to hear his song. But it brought a lot of comfort to his Dad and me. And I know this organization will bring a lot of hope to other kids facing grim futures.
So yeah! I love that Maxson's name goes on. I hope Max's finger prints are all over many songs that help to give hope to the innocent in affliction.
I will catch you up on how it goes next week. Thanks for your prayers.
with much love,
Trish
I wanted to leave you with this poem I found on another Mom's site.
I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today.
I asked "what makes a Mother?" and I know I heard him say:
"A mother has a baby" this we know is true.
"But God can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?"
"Yes you can," he replied with confidence in his voice
"I give many women babies when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay."
"I just dont understand this God I want my baby here.
"He took a breath and cleared his throat and then I saw a tear
"I wish that I could show you what your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile with other children who say:
"We go to Earth and learn our lessons of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
"I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep on her pillow's where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear
Mommy dont be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.
"So you see my dear sweet one your children are okay
Your babies are here in my home they'll be at heaven's gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother its the feeling in your heart.
Its the love you had so much of right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with me one day and you'll know that youre the best one.
"by Jennifer Wasikin
memory of Zachary Thomas Wasik
3.11.2009
12.4.08
This picture was taken the night before Maxson was born. The hands on my tummy belong to some of my best friends. Some drove many hours and just made it into town that night. We spent a few hours together. When this picture was taken we were all lying on my bed, I was trying to get Max to move or kick for them. They all made the last night of Max's time in my tummy so special.
Kate, Kallie, Sara, Amber, and Cassidy plus my sweet Kaylyn was there in thought (finals for her masters, I'm so proud of you). These girls mean so much to me they have grown up with me, they are some of the classiest, smart, kind-hearted, down-to-earth, beautiful ladies I know. I have been blessed to have such strong, long-lasting friendships. They all were there for Maxson's entrance into this world and his peaceful exit. I wanted them there for two reasons: one, to have even more memories of one of greatest days of my life (I now can hear their memories of that day), and two I love them dearly and wanted them to share in one of my most cherished moments. So thank you girls for being there. I love you.
I wanted to edit a new video of Max's birth and pictures this week but I have been battleing a terrible chest cold and have had an unexpected difficult week. I still haven't seen all of Max's video, I thought I was ready but since Sunday I have hit an emotional curve I didn't see coming. God is obviously a huge part of my life, I try to make him my center. But this week has brought out anger and bitterness that I'm trying to sort through. So as far as the video goes it's on hold until I feel like I felt last week, emotionally and physically. I want to have my heart in good place when I see the rest of Max's Birthday video. And I want to put together a video with a clear mind. Please pray for these feelings of anger to be lifted or that I can find my way through them.
with love,
Trish
Max's mommy
3.05.2009
3 months
Yes, today is Maxson's 3 month birthday in heaven. Yes meaning, it seems like a lifetime ago, and yes meaning, that it feels in no way it could be three months already. Thank you so much for the sweet emails today, it means a lot. And thank you to some wonderful friends that remembered us today too, just you guys thinking of my sweet boy still means a great deal! So grateful for all of you who have shared in this journey with us. Well I would have loved for the story to be a more happy one, I think each one of you have lifted us up when I can't really imagine life without this story, now.
Today, I worked, cleaned, cleaned, laundry, and cleaned. But while I cleaned I played Max's music (blog list) and went through every emotion possible. Good Grief, literally... I obviously cried, joyful tears, sad tears, angry tears, just plain longing for him tears, fearful tears, hopeful tears, and loving tears. All with the bits of amazing feelings Maxson has brought me, I did the up and down of it today.
Of course I also had the ups and downs of thoughts...I should be's, he would haves. The sounds would be different my plans would be different, it can all be just overwhelming. I also thought the ups...thank you God, thank you Father, what a gift you have given me. What a complete blessing Maxson's life was. Complete meaning, by bringing me some of the most real most cherished memories and feelings I may ever experience again. Also, I thought about Max and my reunion. Someday I will hold and kiss and get to know my son. Really its pretty amazing to be able to look forward to it. All because our God was willing to let his son die. I can tell you I would NEVER be WILLING to lose another child. Who would? Can you tell grief is a roller coaster?
So thank you for all your prayers and please continue to pray that God will reveal himself to us during this season of grief and that Maxson's life will continue to Glorify our Father!! Plus, for my aching arms and soul. And all the other moms aching arms and souls too. We are hooking up our scanner this week and I have some new pics to share, plus I am planning on editing a new video honoring Max sometime in the next week or so. I guess tonight I have no pictures to share, soon!!
with love,
Max's momma
Today, I worked, cleaned, cleaned, laundry, and cleaned. But while I cleaned I played Max's music (blog list) and went through every emotion possible. Good Grief, literally... I obviously cried, joyful tears, sad tears, angry tears, just plain longing for him tears, fearful tears, hopeful tears, and loving tears. All with the bits of amazing feelings Maxson has brought me, I did the up and down of it today.
Of course I also had the ups and downs of thoughts...I should be's, he would haves. The sounds would be different my plans would be different, it can all be just overwhelming. I also thought the ups...thank you God, thank you Father, what a gift you have given me. What a complete blessing Maxson's life was. Complete meaning, by bringing me some of the most real most cherished memories and feelings I may ever experience again. Also, I thought about Max and my reunion. Someday I will hold and kiss and get to know my son. Really its pretty amazing to be able to look forward to it. All because our God was willing to let his son die. I can tell you I would NEVER be WILLING to lose another child. Who would? Can you tell grief is a roller coaster?
So thank you for all your prayers and please continue to pray that God will reveal himself to us during this season of grief and that Maxson's life will continue to Glorify our Father!! Plus, for my aching arms and soul. And all the other moms aching arms and souls too. We are hooking up our scanner this week and I have some new pics to share, plus I am planning on editing a new video honoring Max sometime in the next week or so. I guess tonight I have no pictures to share, soon!!
with love,
Max's momma
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