3 years

still alive. and today celebrating Maxson's life, 3rd birthday...it's hard to believe and yet it seems like forever ago i held him and had to let him go. with Max's busy lil bro Eli we didn't do too much today not to add that it was frigidly cold here. my mom asked today how the pain was, and honestly it is not as physically painful. so i guess you could say time has healed, however, Maxson's hold on my heart and his physical absence from my life here combine to add a weight on my soul that will never fade. which by no means am i saying poor me, actually i am extremely thankful for being able to feel. he is still real all i have to do is think about him and my heart grows with heaviness and yearning and love! if i didn't have that i would be so lost.

i do realize this is my first post since forever ago so i will say not much has changed besides an obvious care for capital letters, a kitchen that has been renovated, a mom and dad that ran a 5k (kind of a big deal i had to train for it, not a runner), our thirst for our Savior (increased), and a baby that did what babies do and grew...a lot. and on that note Eli is amazing he steals my heart and adds so much joy that i feel guilty feeling that much joy at times. he has such a gentle spirit to him and he just loves on everyone around him. at the moment he is just figuring out this tantrum thing but you know i think his tantrums are good, they make me realize he is not perfect:) anyway enough gloating i will add some pics at the end.

dust and i did say today we need to make this day come alive to Eli next year. i want Eli to love his brother and know he has a brother eagerly waiting for him. granted i pray daily as his parents we get to meet up with Maxson first;)

i have had two friends lose babies this year one to sids, one to t18, both first borns...it was tough to realize going through losing did not give me power to take away any of their pain or even know what to say. i realized early on all i can do is pray for them...so if you would be so kind as to lift them up when you feel led. they are both expecting again, found out about both of them just this past week. best news ever! God is good.

baby fever here is running on high but the entire process of fertility sounds like it has to wait...i know we will adopt someday i just don't think we are there yet.

so all over the place...i apologize for the absence it just felt like it needed to be done. this blog will always be but what it will be i don't know. i will always write on Maxson's birthday and maybe i will feel led to write more. writing is not my gifting so for a while it was my outlet and my counsel. but for those who prayed and supported us thank you so much and i am always up for emails.

to my first born, Maxson, my message to you today is this, we love you today like we loved you yesterday. you will always be my first, you will always be my son. i feel your absence here but i also cherish the fact you are in heaven. i can't wait for the day to hold you in my arms again and until then i hope my love is impressed upon your spirit. happy birthday Max. i love you!