It caught up to me...I haven't slept yet.
Last night I stayed up late working and reading, as the night went on my mind and heart started to feel the sadness the dream had brought up. And not very rational thoughts began to wage war in my mind. Due to the time of night, or I should say morning, it probably was from being overly tired, pregnant, and the weight of my reality... One thing I want to make clear, as I have the greatest faith that God has the plan for my life and Max's in his hands I have the understanding of a sinful human and well my heart has the faith and security of Christ's love, I falter. I really don't have the wisdom to understand the purpose in Max's life I just pray that God might reveal some of the glory Max I know will bring to me. So with all that said and because I haven't slept yet, everything I write might come across a little emotional, forgive me for that, but as soon as I thought of writing and sharing I started being able to breath. So here is my therapy!
No one can ever understand the pain of losing someone they love if they haven't, no one can ever understand the pain in a loss if they have never felt loss. I always new that losing a child must be the worst type of loss but I never could have imagined the immense feelings of sorrow and I haven't even begun to grieve the loss of Max's life just the dreams and hopes I once had. So, I hope that this blog helps those that have suffered a loss and those that will need to try to understand...BEFORE, I handled myself around those who were grieving the same way most have with me...I would avoid the subject for two reasons; one, I didn't want to bring up any pain for that person and two, I didn't want to say the wrong thing...NOW, I understand what I thought before was all wrong. To ask about the person lost by name to not tip toe around the situation or to not avoid the person just because you don't know what to say are all ways to really help someone in grief. I understand everyone handles grief differently but I think if you were to ask most people who have lost which way they would prefer you to comfort them, and they would all want the person they loved so dear to be honored and their memories shared and cherished not to be treated as it were a secret or just wrong. There is nothing anyone could ask about Max that would hurt me as long as they were bringing up his name--within reason of course.
My eyes are finally heavy and my mind is becoming mush. I have a feeling today is not going to be a very progressive day...I hope tomorrow I don't look back at this post with regret as I said I am pretty emotional...well if I do I apologize in advance, and thank all of you who are sharing this journey with us, even the not so down to earth parts!
Much love and a hug goodnight,