6 am

Last night I had a very real and extremely cruel dream...someone I don't know who kept showing my baby clothes, tons of baby clothes, Halloween outfits, and Christmas outfits all of which in my dream I was told or at least remembered thinking my son wouldn't wear. I know... it was a depressing dream; I didn't tell anyone, when I woke up I thought about it in a very numb way. I guess having very real dreams about baby at this point is a very normal thing or so I read, I just wish mine were happy. All day yesterday I thought about it off and on but it was weird yesterday I felt great I was working on a wedding and I felt really happy even though the thought of the dream kept coming up.  

It caught up to me...I haven't slept yet.

Last night I stayed up late working and reading, as the night went on my mind and heart started to feel the sadness the dream had brought up. And not very rational thoughts began to wage war in my mind. Due to the time of night, or I should say morning, it probably was from being overly tired, pregnant, and the weight of my reality... One thing I want to make clear, as I have the greatest faith that God has the plan for my life and Max's in his hands I have the understanding of a sinful human and well my heart has the faith and security of Christ's love, I falter. I really don't have the wisdom to understand the purpose in Max's life I just pray that God might reveal some of the glory Max I know will bring to me. So with all that said and because I haven't slept yet, everything I write might come across a little emotional, forgive me for that, but as soon as I thought of writing and sharing I started being able to breath. So here is my therapy!

No one can ever understand the pain of losing someone they love if they haven't, no one can ever understand the pain in a loss if they have never felt loss. I always new that losing a child must be the worst type of loss but I never could have imagined the immense feelings of sorrow and I haven't even begun to grieve the loss of Max's life just the dreams and hopes I once had. So, I hope that this blog helps those that have suffered a loss and those that will need to try to understand...BEFORE, I handled myself around those who were grieving the same way most have with me...I would avoid the subject for two reasons; one, I didn't want to bring up any pain for that person and two, I didn't want to say the wrong thing...NOW, I understand what I thought before was all wrong. To ask about the person lost by name to not tip toe around the situation or to not avoid the person just because you don't know what to say are all ways to really help someone in grief. I understand everyone handles grief differently but I think if you were to ask most people who have lost which way they would prefer you to comfort them, and they would all want the person they loved so dear to be honored and their memories shared and cherished not to be treated as it were a secret or just wrong. There is nothing anyone could ask about Max that would hurt me as long as they were bringing up his name--within reason of course. 

My eyes are finally heavy and my mind is becoming mush. I have a feeling today is not going to be a very progressive day...I hope tomorrow I don't look back at this post with regret as I said I am pretty emotional...well if I do I apologize in advance, and thank all of you who are sharing this journey with us, even the not so down to earth parts!

Much love and a hug goodnight,



Anonymous said...

We don't know each other, but I've followed your blog for the past few weeks. My heart goes out to you! I'm sorry about your dreams. I pray and pray that you'll be able to have Max at home with you for Christmas.
I've never lost a child, so I won't pretend to know what you're going through. But I wanted to offer my support, prayers, and thoughts during this time. I pray that Max will be healed in His perfect way - whether that be here on earth or in heaven.
I hope these next few weeks are better and you're able to treasure and enjoy his kicks and squirms - aren't they the best? Speaking of, do you have video of it yet? I can't remember when we could see it, but I wish more than anything we had video-taped it - I digress.
Enjoy your weekend with Dustin and Max - your sweet family.
All the best,

Anonymous said...

Together we have a mutual friend so I have been following your blog. I also was praying for you to get pregnant and then just months later found out you were! Your strength in the Lord is amazing and I am so impressed with how you are working through this difficult time. I don't think any of your posts are overly emotional, they are real and I know how much it helps to write it all out. I know how bad it feels when everyone else has gone to bed and you go to lay down and your heart constricts and you can't breath because you aren't done talking or thinking about it for the day. You aren't ready to have to try and function again tomorrow. I can't imagine such a situation (and I don't say die because I am still praying for Max's miracle of complete healing). Max has helped me make sure I never take my son for granite that I realize all that he is and enjoy every minute like you do. I will be a better mommy because you are such a good mommy and I am learning from Max.
Two months ago my 26 year old sister died she had been suffering since she was 15 and was healed by God in heaven. So I guess what I can tell you is that God gives the immediate family members a strength that is unexplainable to others. He gives you peace and blessings with the outpouring of love from others. Don't feel bad for laughing, crying or not, or living, just go with the emotions one day at a time and be honest with people when they ask how you are doing. The most shocking thing to me has been the complete loss of memory and ability to make decisions. You may already be feeling this. Your mind is so preoccupied with the thought of your loved one that it consumes every second. Weeks go by and you realize all other thoughts were just interruptions to your true concern, in your case your baby, your little Max. Tell people this if you feel it, be honest. That is where I am in my grief, so I can't help past that right now. I hope this helps. Also a fun fact you can share with Dustin I just learned of on the Science channel is that the baby not only knows the smell of his mother from the womb, but also the father! Babies choose their father's smell by turning their head toward their scent over the choice of another scent! Also babies can see light, put a strong flashlight to your belly and see if he kicks! My little boy loved action movies when they got loud he would bounce all over. Does Max like certain sounds? It is fun to know their routine also. How exciting and how smart Max is! You three are amazing and I thank you for sharing your story. Reading your blog gives me hope, because new life is being made, and peace because if you are this strong in God I can do this also. Praying for you always. -JK