I know I have been blogger AWOL for quite some time now. Really it has been quite a road...most of the time I just didn't have the words, other times I couldn't bring myself to post.
I have such a heavy heart. Today is Maxson's 10 month birthday and today I also lost a new life. I went to the doctor this morning to find no heartbeat so I was sent home with some medicine to induce a miscarriage. I know your probably thinking "what, you were pregnant?", yes I was, 7 weeks along I was holding out to give the good news at least until I was 8 weeks. The past months since my post I have went through with two fertility treatments. The second one rendering our hopes! So today is a double dose of pain, I would be lying if I said I was not really struggling with my faith right now. With the loss landing on Max's day and the reality that I feel my fervent, faithful, and hopeful prayers were denied has me spinning in a deep sense of abandonment. I really want to ask for prayers right now, but honestly my bitterness is making that request laced with too much anger and pain. I know I am not immune from heartache, but just the circumstances of it all make it seem like salt on a wound. All in God's timing seems a bit cruel today.
I am so sorry I wanted so bad to bring some joyful news and now I just need to write. I need to ease the weight of this pain. I miss Maxson so much I miss stuff about Max that I never even experienced. I believe the baby I lost today never had a heartbeat, it hurts but for such a different reason. We will try again. I know we will not give up, I am knocked down and my faith is shaken but He will pick me up again...that's all I can hold on to right now.