10.05.2009

10 months and 7 weeks

I know I have been blogger AWOL for quite some time now. Really it has been quite a road...most of the time I just didn't have the words, other times I couldn't bring myself to post.

I have such a heavy heart. Today is Maxson's 10 month birthday and today I also lost a new life. I went to the doctor this morning to find no heartbeat so I was sent home with some medicine to induce a miscarriage. I know your probably thinking "what, you were pregnant?", yes I was, 7 weeks along I was holding out to give the good news at least until I was 8 weeks. The past months since my post I have went through with two fertility treatments. The second one rendering our hopes! So today is a double dose of pain, I would be lying if I said I was not really struggling with my faith right now. With the loss landing on Max's day and the reality that I feel my fervent, faithful, and hopeful prayers were denied has me spinning in a deep sense of abandonment. I really want to ask for prayers right now, but honestly my bitterness is making that request laced with too much anger and pain. I know I am not immune from heartache, but just the circumstances of it all make it seem like salt on a wound. All in God's timing seems a bit cruel today.

I am so sorry I wanted so bad to bring some joyful news and now I just need to write. I need to ease the weight of this pain. I miss Maxson so much I miss stuff about Max that I never even experienced. I believe the baby I lost today never had a heartbeat, it hurts but for such a different reason. We will try again. I know we will not give up, I am knocked down and my faith is shaken but He will pick me up again...that's all I can hold on to right now.

23 comments:

Jill said...

My heart aches for you. I don't know what to say. Just that I care. I am so so sorry.

Carol Kennon said...

There are no words at times like this. Just will send a (hug) your way.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for being honest..you and your family (Maxson/Dustin..etc) are such an inspiration in my walk I love you all so much and I thank God for the support he has surrounded you with. Kallie

Lorraine-bo said...

My heart began aching as I read your words. I am blessed by your honesty and vulnerability, but sad for your additional loss. There are no words that will kill the pain, but know that you and Dustin are being brought before the Lord.

Stacy D said...

Trish,

I am so sorry. I know that a loss, whenever it happens is so hard... especially after the magnitude of losing Max.

Praying for you, friend.

~ Stacy

Anonymous said...

I am praying for you.

boltefamily said...

Trish,
I am soooooo sorry...there are just no words...please let me know if you need to talk! love and prayers to you. ugh i wish i could take this hurt from you!

love
kristy

Tammy On the Go said...

I was just thinking of you today, I saw youraddress in the back of my address book and thought "I need to write her and tell her I have not forgotten Max".

I am sorry a new hurt is in your life. I have a whole list of "God centered speeches" and the typical "here's a verse to go with your circumstance"...but sometimes that can come across, "I don't really care how your hurting, take it to God and get over it." So I will hold back on my knowledge of God, His promises, His goodness and His love...you know all this.

I WILL continue to pray for you. I will have to ask God how to pray for you, because only He knows what it will take to begin healing and restoring your faith. Make it new. Make it unshakeable.

If I had a "this is what I went through" story to share, I would. But I have not walked in your shoes, so I just ask the Father to give me understanding, so I can begin to know how to pray....

Laura said...

I have been thinking of you. I am so sorry you are having to walk through such heartache.

Sending you love

Angie said...

I have never wrote you a message but I do check your blog often and I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I will be praying for you today and continue to think and pray for your during this time.

Anonymous said...

Your in my prayers!

JKcotten said...

What can I say.. I am praying for you and Dustin. Trisha- you two are so strong and have been through so much already. Kallie is right- you and Dust and Max are such an inspiration-Im sorry you are going through all this- I wont stop praying for you-we love you guys!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sara said...

Trisha,
I am so sorry for you loss of Maxson and now this new precious little creation. I am getting ready to face the 1 year day of my sons heaven going so I can relate to your loss. It is so hard. I know circumstances may be different, but I want you to know you are not alone. I just wanted you to know that you are being prayed for.

I understand the bitterness as well as your faith being shaken. My husband is a pastor and I sometimes find myself feeling so let down by God. I know we aren't guaranteed an easy road... but that truly was how I was feeling. Then my husband would remind me of the truth of God's love for me, how wide, how high, how deep God's love is for us... regardless of how we feel. I completely validate your feelings, but I also want to encourage you that our Father is collecting all those tear you are crying. He cares deeply for you and every last tear that is falling. You are in my prayers.
Sara

Anonymous said...

You will derive benefit from your trial, not by ignoring it or fainting under its weight, but by understanding its purpose. When you realize God is using the trial to make you aware of His grace in your life and fit you for eternal glory, praise, and honor, you'll be equipped to endure it even though it brings you into distress and heaviness of soul.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.

In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ" (1 Peter 1:3-7)

Anonymous said...

Trisha,
I wish I had some eloquent words to share, something to make you feel better, but I know no words can do that. I think of you and Dusty and Max often. I check your blog every couple days hoping to see an update. I am so sorry you had to go through another loss. I will keep you in my prayers every night, I will pray for peace in your hearts.
Amy J. RN

Nicole said...

You were on my mind a few days ago, and I'm sorry I didn't follow through with an email. I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words that will bring comfort. I will be praying for your body to heal, and your heart to be mended, but most of all for God to make His Presence known, even in the heartache. Many hugs to you, Sweet Mama...
Nicole

Anonymous said...

Praying for you!!!

I am so so sorry.

Em
from Australia

Jennjilla said...

I'm so sorry! I, too, found your blog randomly about the time Maxson was born and have been praying for you guys ever since. I wanted so badly for y'all to have good news, too. We're about to start fertility treatments ourselves in a few weeks and I'm apprehensive about the stress that comes with this whole infertility thing. I have a new found understanding to those who are walking this walk and will say a special prayer for you.

MaRia said...

Hurting with you--and holding you in prayer--

Susan said...

so very, very sorry.

Jess said...

I am praying for you and your family.

Anonymous said...

I was so excited to see an updated post and then my heart just broke when I saw it was bad news. I too went through fertility for months and then miscarried just before Christmas a few years back. You wait for so long, and you are so happy only to have your world crushed. I think about you often, and pray for you all the time. I have never seen the strength in faith and character that I see in you. I have to admit, I don't think I could try to find the bright side after all you have been through. You inspire so much in me, and make me feel so lucky for what I have. I lost that first baby (or two...they thought it may have been twins) but was blessed with an amazing little boy a couple years later. Recently I was blessed again with twins. It is funny, I have never met you, but know 2 of your sisters. I held my two little miracles in my arms, and you were the first thing I thought of, and felt guilty somehow, for all that I had and all that you've lost. I asked God that night why I got 2, in addition to the one I had, when so many people would give anything for one. One thing I have learned from you is how much of a blessing our children are. You have given me a new appreciation for them, and when I am stressed, or short tempered, I remember you, and how you would give anything to be up all night with 2 crying babies, and I look at it as a blessing that I have that oppertunity. I know it will work out for you. You are two amazing to never have that gift, and I know that God will let you know that joy someday. Don't give up. I wanted to, but didn't, and I have 3 amazing miracles. I just know that you will get that someday too. No one deserves it more than you, and a person more deserving of being a mom has never lived. You are amazing, Trish, and God knows that, and I know when you do get your little one, you will be the most amazing mom ever. I know these words don't take the pain away, but there are so many people that pray for you every day, and are asking God to give you that miracle you so desperately want. I believe in my heart that he will! I will continute to pray for you, and will think of you every time I see my angels, and remember what a blessing I have. You have given that to me, and for that I want to thank you. You have made me a better mom, and I am sure my babies thank you too.
I will continue to pray, not only for your miracle, but for your continued strenth!!!