11.17.2009

writers block...how about you?

Still alive, and doing alright.

I have been busy with work and mostly with design which I enjoy doing but it really drains me from being able to think creatively in any other area, for a while anyway. So writing has been on the back burner on here and in my journal. I know Maxson's year is coming and to be honest that is another area that expressing how I have been feeling is difficult. All I can say is there is days that I feel the same pain I did on day number two, plus the times when I see somebody in the mirror or by my actions that is not the girl I used to be. I feel like family and friends probably have been seeing this for a while but my eyes have just been opened to it and it makes me sad. By my thoughts and feelings I have had hard time fighting through sometimes to just find me. So now I want to just turn the tables, please lend me your thoughts and writings in absence of mine.

Please answer any or all of the questions below and if you have a question for me I will do my best to answer.

How has Maxson's life impacted yours?

What are three of the greatest blessings you have ever received?

What is the biggest challenge you have ever been faced with and how did you deal?

Do you believe Jesus Christ is our Savior?

Can you give me any ideas on how to celebrate Maxson's first birthday?

Can you please tell me if you remember what you were doing on December 5, 2008 (The day Maxson was born and shared a brief life here with us)?

Any advice for me in any are of my life?

Can I pray for you in any way?

Alright now, if you wish to remain anonymous that is fine, if you only want to answer or can only think to answer one question that is fine too. I just please ask to refrain from any real offensive language or thoughts. By this I mean don't swear and don't belittle others.

I really want to learn more about you who read, only fair right as you all know enough this way. I also would love to be inspired through your words -as mine is just BLOCKED!

with love,
Trish

13 comments:

embaby81 said...

Hi
I have been following your blog for quite awhile and wanted to let you know that I am praying for you.

Maxson's life has impacted me by making me realise how precious life is, that I have been alive for 28 years and have had very little impact on this world compared to what Maxson has had.

My three greatest blessings - faith, family and love.

My biggest challenge is having anxiety, I have dealt with this in various ways - medications, counselling but the biggest help of all has been my faith.

I do believe Jesus is our Saviour.

You could write a letter for Max every year on his birthday.You could go to a beautiful spot (beach, mountains, park etc) and release a balloon and tie a special message for Max onto the ballon and release it.

On Maxson's birthday I was working (as a social worker) and went to a photography course at night.

Any advice - it would be to hold on tight to your faith and your close family and friends.

Take care of yourself Trish and you can always share how you are doing on this blog and know you are being prayed for

Em
from Australia

Michelle said...

I have been following for quite awhile too. I struggled a long time to have my two children, but they were worth every ache, sad day, etc.

I will say a prayer for you. On December 5th, I was trying to find a new normal. I had twins in August and one was having some health issues. I was at a specialist listening to the news my sweet baby might or might not have cystic fibrosis. So, I was feeling kinda sorry for myself. Then I read your blog, and physically ached for you. I hugged my children a little closer and realized I could face anything that was thrown in front of me because God blessed me with them: here and now. All is well and my daughter is improving. It turns out it was a milk allergy not CF. However, I still think about how blessed I am. I did not answer many questions of yours, but I wanted to take the time to let you someone in South Carolina has said prayers for you. So, thank you for sharing your story!

Jennjilla said...

How has Maxson's life impacted yours? - I think he's shown me patience and to be more aware of peoples feelings long term. Life is very short, but that doesn't mean you can't make your mark.

What are three of the greatest blessings you have ever received?
- My family, son, and my faith. I need to work on that last one a bit, though.

What is the biggest challenge you have ever been faced with and how did you deal? - dealing with an addict brother was and still is tough. Marriage at 20 was pretty hard in ways, too. oooh, and "breaking up" with my best friend was extremely hard, as well. I guess I just pray, and talk about things to people and keep doing good things in hope that good karma follows me around.

Do you believe Jesus Christ is our Savior? - yup. 100%

Can you give me any ideas on how to celebrate Maxson's first birthday? - not sure how to handle this one, but I would make it a special day! Maybe something with just you and the husby? I would want to smile and remember that amazing little boy in the most positive way possible....

Any advice for me in any are of my life? Keep blogging!

Can I pray for you in any way? yup, please! I need some shoutouts for the following things: that I can grow in my faith more. I find that I'm kinda at this fork in the road and I don't know which way to go. Also, for my family to continue on this postive path, we've really become a strong unit and I love it! I'd also like to finally be pregnant again. We've been trying for a year and 1/2 and secondary infertility is really quite frustrating. I'm tired of what I call the "one line of disappointment" on the test. I'm trying to be a good and stay patient, but it's hard!

My question is - how is your photography coming along?

What is your favorite photo of Maxson?

Jacquie said...

Maxon's life has impacted me by giving me greater patience with my children. Seeing them for the gift they are, and knowing that you would have given anything to go thrue the small trials he would have given you

My three greatest blessings are my children, which are also my challenges, my husband and mother, and my sense of humor to deal with all of them

My biggest challenge has been accepting that my 4 year old is autistic. different. Getting the strength to battle ahead to give him the best life he can have, and trying to look to a future to what will need to be done

Do you believe Jesus Christ is our Savior? yes

Maxon's Birthday; perhaps a day of community service will help you feel that his life continues to impact others that never were able to physically hold him, but will have a piece of him in another way.

The day Maxson was born, I was at work, and I remember continuelly checking your site, praying for you, and you and your family were constnatly in my thoughts

Don't be ashamed to find joy in life. It doesn't diminish all the love you feel for Maxson. Know that if you had gone first, you would have truly wanted him to laugh, love and live. He'll be that much happier and content while waiting to meet you in heaven

Please pray for my two older sons. Tom and Joe. They need to see some of the light and mature.

I wish you all the best, and check on you regularely.

Jess said...

Trish,

Maxson's life has impacted mine in many ways. One of the ways is something I think only a bereaved mother can understand: Through your blog I have gotten to know Max...and Max is in heaven with my little boy...so in a way I feel like I know one of Samuel's little angel friends. It's like Maxson has brought me closer to my own son, in a way.

The greatest blessings you have ever received are my husband and my babies.

I absolutely do believe Jesus Christ is our Savior.

My ideas on how to celebrate Maxson's first birthday? I think everything I could list you have probably read on another blog before. For Samuel's birthday we just did a really nice dinner for us and my parents and my sister, followed by an adorable cake which I spent three hours decorating :) My husband I went to the cemetery and brought our two cats (on their little leashes!) so they could see their big brother's special spot. We also wrote messages to Samuel and released them tied to balloons. We also had flowers in his honor placed on the altar at church that weekend.

On December 5, 2008 I was still very deep in my own grief. The night before (the 4th) I couldn't sleep and I just kept lying there thinking about my son and knowing both the joy and the pain that you would be experiencing in the immediate days ahead. When I woke up on the 5th, the first thing I did was check your blog. Maxson had already been born. I cried. Then I read that he was with Jesus and I cried more. The next day was my original due date with Sam. It was just a very emotional couple days for me.

Thinking of you often and believe there is joy in store for you,

Jess

Anonymous said...

I have followed your blog for some time....Maxson has tought me how precious life truly is...and take nothing for granted...he has also taught me that God is in control and we may never know the reason behind things....
My three greatest blessings, God, husband, family.
My biggest challenge is balancing everything and doing things 100%
I do believe in Jesus
For Maxs bday- Someone I knew who lost a child took something-food, animals something either to the hospital, NICU (if you could handle going back)or a nursing home...(help someone in his honor) My only real reccomendation is GET OUT OF BED...don't allow yourself to dwell in your sorrow alone.
prayer request...to complicated but i have one!
questions: are you working anywhere?

Anonymous said...

I have been following your blog for awhile, your posts have been some of the most amazing words I have ever read. I have come to the dinner talbe more than once with tears running down my face, and my husband knows exactly what i was reading on the computer.

How did maxon impact my life? He made me realize that my children are the most amazing gift, and made me want to be the best mom possible, because they deserve that. What are my three biggest blessings... well that is hard. After following your blog I feel I have so many, but first and foremost is hands down my children. I went through fertility for months, only to get pregnant with twins and loose them just before Christmas. I had already bought everything for the nursery...you know the drill. A couple years later I was blessed with an amazing son, and now recently twins. The other two would have to be my family and you, believe it or not, becasue even though I have never met you, you are such a blessing becasue you changed my life. You made me want to be a good mom more than anything else in the world. You made me realize how important the little things are, you tought me that there are so many people hurting in the world for "real" things, that my minor little problems are nothing, and you also made me re-evaluate my faith, and realize that I was not "active" in it. I have always believed in God, but never put much expectation in him. After finding your blog and seeing what incredible faith you had after all you had been dealt made me realize that GOD had made you this amazing strong woman, and anyone that could do that deserved a little more credit than I had been giving him. My biggest challenge was going through fertility, having to drive to another city every month, only to be dissappointed when the test was negative, and then to finally have a positive and loose the little life inside me. I do absolutely believe Jesus is our savior. As far as how to celebrate, my son LOVES books. I bought him a book called "God gave us you" and it is about how special he is because he came from God. Buy the book, and go to Maxon's grave and read it to him. Then maybe tell him in your OWN words, why is so special to you, and what an amazing little boy he is, and how he inspired so many people in his short little life. The only advice I guess I have for you is to stay strong, don't give up, and lean on people for support when you need to. As far as praying for me, I have everything I ever could have wanted with my 3 little angels, so I think I will just continute to pray for you instead!!!

Tammy On the Go said...

How has Maxson's life impacted yours? Max and Isaac "came into my life" at the same time. Through your son, I learned that it's not guarantees we trust in, but our God. I learned that not everyone that goes into the hospital in labor gets to come home with a baby. and I got my head out of the clouds and learned to reach out to others near me because I could not reach out to you.

What are three of the greatest blessings you have ever received?

Learning that I have hope in Christ. marrying my husband and having my kids.

What is the biggest challenge you have ever been faced with and how did you deal?
Watching my sister almost die of Cancer. I had to "trust" God in a a whole new way. I had to come to terms with the fact that God can use pain for his Glory. I had to surrender to His will...what came out of it is too much to write but one of the most powerful times in our families life.

Do you believe Jesus Christ is our Savior? Yes, Yes, Yes-eternally yes.

Can you give me any ideas on how to celebrate Maxson's first birthday?
Do a benefit for a local charity. accept donations for that charity. Find a local company to donate the catering and get a place to donate the space. Don't let any money come out of your pocket. let the communtiy rally with you.

Can you please tell me if you remember what you were doing on December 5, 2008 (The day Maxson was born and shared a brief life here with us)?
I was at my desk in Anna's room, crying for you.

Any advice for me in any are of my life?
Remember John as he was in the Jail, sending word to Jesus. He asked "Are you who you say you are?"...Jesus did not come...He did not answer, and John was beheaded. I think that passage was written to remind us that we don't always understand His ways or get an answer. But we know he loves us because We know that Jesus mourned for John and then he told other that no one greater than John would ever come along.

I think of John when ANY situation comes along that grieves me and I just don't understand. I ask Jesus "Are you who you say you are?" and I always hear him say "You know that I am".

Can I pray for you in any way?
Just praying to be a godly mom, I have a 3 year old and it's the hardest time so far of being a mom. She is strong willed and so tough to dicipline in Grace and love. She's just like me. I am asking God to show me her gifts so I don't squash them!

thanks for letting me share. love following your family.

JKcotten said...

How has Maxon's life impacted mine?

Huge-but i never met maxon-so not directly max, but trish and dust..how you have took this in stride- not tried to be tough- but kept your faith. It has also been good for me to see that you cannot preach faith..it is an action..and you show it. I have learned this through the last year of Blakes Brain tumor as well.


Can you give me any ideas on how to celebrate Maxson's first birthday? DO something- have fun-your little boy is in Heaven, and his body doesnt hurt, he is being well taken care of...know this..'be still and know that I am God'... I say put yourself around friends and family..talk..trish you like to talk and need to talk about him, about your hurts, about future things.

I very much believe in Jesus!

Suggestions: go somewhere after the holidays- somewhere warm to lift your spirits. (And take us!)

Love you-Miss you-Praying for you! Thanks for writing.

Melissa said...

I am not sure how I came across your blog, but I do know I checked your blog on his birthday and my heart ached when I saw the update that he had passed. As a mother, I prayed that God would just give you more time, it hurt to see he took him home so soon....and I wept for you as I could never imagine the pain you felt that day.

Three of the greatest blessings I have ever received are my health(thus far), my husband, and my children. There is nothing greater and not one material thing in this world could ever replace these.

I do believe, although I must be honest and say that I do struggle with my faith. When I see mother's losing their babies, children being beaten, starved, and unloved, animals being abused, etc. I have a hard time understanding why.

I think a great way to spend his first birthday would be if you have not done so already, is to gather all of the things you have of him, pictures, hospital bands, etc. and make a scrapbook. Don't just include pictures, write your emotions, his story, etc (sad and happy of course). The first time you held him what were you thinking, feeling, what was your husband thinking, feeling, etc. I think that'd not only be a great keepsake, but a day spent on just him! maybe even include some pregnancy photos at the beginning!

The biggest challenge I have ever faced was getting through my younger years. Not only accepting the things that happened, but forgiving myself and others. I was fortunate to have met my husband at 19, but I had some rough years along the way.

My advice to you, would be to keep your spirits going. Maybe if you could find ways to volunteer and help other mommies in your shoes would be a great comfort as you know exactly where they are. Find the joy in life as much as you possibly can, although I can imagine there are days that seems impossible. Maybe you and your husband could go visit an orphanage and/or "sponsor" a child around Maxson's age?

Pray that I could find the connection to God I so deeply desire. I need more answers and I am hoping to find the strength to go find them.

I love reading your blog and hope someday to see you carrying a little one home. Maxson could never be replaced, but it'd sure be nice to hear you and your husband could truly smile once again. I am so sorry for all your heartache and your husbands.

Take care.

Anonymous said...

Trish and Dustin,
I was thinking about you guys today. We were planning our cookie baking day and someone said, "yeah since we didn't get to do it last year because of the storm". It was the day of Max's funeral. I am amazed it has almost been a whole year since Max was born. I thought I would try and answer some of your questions...
Max's impact on my life: I still have a lot more patience with my kids, some days not so much but then I stop and remember how blessed I am.
3 greatest blessing: Family, faith and friends.
Biggest challenge: Making each of my 4 children feel special.
Jesus Christ IS my Savior.
Max's 1 year celebration: A big birthday party and truely celebrate that Max was here, on this earth, and made a BIG impact.
Where was I on December 5th? Trying my best to be right there for you and Dustin when you needed me and being the best nurse I could.
Any advice: Life is for living.
Prayers for others: Everyone could always use a prayer!
Here's one back at ya!
Amy Jorgenson RN

Sara said...

Trish,
I can hear the pain in your words... my heart hurts for you.

You know I don't remember much from last December 5th because I was in my own fog of grief. We had just lost our son October 30th... a stillborn precious boy Samuel.

Trish I think I found your blog not too long after your sweet Max arrived. Your words resonate with me. Although we have 4 other living children... we too have struggled with fertility issues each time... so I can relate in a small sense to that part of things. And since having Samuel have struggled with fertility issues again. I know how blessed I am, but just because we have our other 4 doesn't mean we don't miss Samuel somthing fierce.

Like you I barely recognize myself at times... That is hard to swallow and get used to.

We had some dear friends...maybe 15 or so come over for what would have been Samuel's birthday. I made a cake, had everyone bring something to share (so I wasn't overwhelmed in preparing... I knew I would be grieving freshly again)We had everyone put skittles on the cake sharing something that God had shown them in the last year or saying a promise of God. Truly I just needed the encouragement from others. You can check out my blog for all the other things we did to remember our precious Samuel.

For me the anticipation was worse than the days themselves... but the next day was really hard.

Just know that I will be lifting you up in prayer. Prayers for your heart to heal and be comforted... it is such a process. Prayers for the Lord to open your womb and bless you with another child. You are precious to Him and loved deeply by our great God.

Praying for you!
Sara
www.hintzshappenings.blogspot.com

Hilary said...

How has Maxson's life impacted yours?---i've been reading for a while and I am so sorry for your loss. Maxson's life has changed the way i look at my daughter. I holder a little tighter and give her a few extra kisses before she goes to bed.

What are three of the greatest blessings you have ever received?
---My family/friends, husband and daughter.

What is the biggest challenge you have ever been faced with and how did you deal?---biggest challenge? don't think i've had the biggest challenge of my life yet. whatever hurddles i have make me stronger.

Do you believe Jesus Christ is our Savior?-I am not religious.

Can you give me any ideas on how to celebrate Maxson's first birthday?---make it big! go all out. and I know I am doing this a month late from the day you posted it but go all out. celebrate his life. yes it was taken too soon but that doesn't mean it wasn't a big life for him. get balloons. get gifts (give them to kids in hospitals or a homeless shelter for kids). I know-well I don't know-how hard it will be, but it might be better to go big then to sit at home and not do anything.


Can you please tell me if you remember what you were doing on December 5, 2008 (The day Maxson was born and shared a brief life here with us)?-I was 9 1/2 months pregnant so I was most likely sitting on my couch resting.

Any advice for me in any area of my life? continue talking to someone. take as long as you have to to grieve. maxson is your son and he is no longer here.

Can I pray for you in any way? I don't believe in praying, so no. but wishing my family a good new year and getting through this hard financial time would be good.