3.05.2009

3 months

Yes, today is Maxson's 3 month birthday in heaven. Yes meaning, it seems like a lifetime ago, and yes meaning, that it feels in no way it could be three months already. Thank you so much for the sweet emails today, it means a lot. And thank you to some wonderful friends that remembered us today too, just you guys thinking of my sweet boy still means a great deal! So grateful for all of you who have shared in this journey with us. Well I would have loved for the story to be a more happy one, I think each one of you have lifted us up when I can't really imagine life without this story, now.

Today, I worked, cleaned, cleaned, laundry, and cleaned. But while I cleaned I played Max's music (blog list) and went through every emotion possible. Good Grief, literally... I obviously cried, joyful tears, sad tears, angry tears, just plain longing for him tears, fearful tears, hopeful tears, and loving tears. All with the bits of amazing feelings Maxson has brought me, I did the up and down of it today.

Of course I also had the ups and downs of thoughts...I should be's, he would haves. The sounds would be different my plans would be different, it can all be just overwhelming. I also thought the ups...thank you God, thank you Father, what a gift you have given me. What a complete blessing Maxson's life was. Complete meaning, by bringing me some of the most real most cherished memories and feelings I may ever experience again. Also, I thought about Max and my reunion. Someday I will hold and kiss and get to know my son. Really its pretty amazing to be able to look forward to it. All because our God was willing to let his son die. I can tell you I would NEVER be WILLING to lose another child. Who would? Can you tell grief is a roller coaster?

So thank you for all your prayers and please continue to pray that God will reveal himself to us during this season of grief and that Maxson's life will continue to Glorify our Father!! Plus, for my aching arms and soul. And all the other moms aching arms and souls too. We are hooking up our scanner this week and I have some new pics to share, plus I am planning on editing a new video honoring Max sometime in the next week or so. I guess tonight I have no pictures to share, soon!!

with love,

Max's momma

12 comments:

Lorisa said...

My heart breaks reading your new entry, because every emotion is so real and so true. It is amazing how fast you can go from high to low and not even know what triggered it. But, I believe that is all normal and God knows exactly what you are going through. Thinking of you today on Maxon's 3 month birthday and praying for peace that passes all understanding! God Bless!

Lorisa Newman

Stacy D said...

Praying.....

Nicole said...

So sorry I missed it yesterday! Happy 3 Month Birthday Maxson!

Rebecca Jo said...

The "would've" "Could've" or the worse "Should've" will drive you nuts... Satan I believe uses that against us... hold onto God's plan - no matter how hard it is to accept..

Cant wait to see the video!

Laurie in Ca. said...

Still praying for you as you get through each moment of each day without your sweet Maxson. Asking God to continue being gentle with your hearts as you settle into this new normal that somehow will never really feel normal. Praying for your aching arms and soul that no one can fill except the Lord. May you feel His arms around you every moment of the day. I love you.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Laura said...

thinking of you..

cancersucks said...

Thinking of you and or course praying, too!

Jess said...

Still thinking of you, Trish.

Carla Burlando said...

Each passing month and year is often a painful reminder of what we are missing, what they would have been doing now etc. etc. Somehow when we lost Samuel I had been signed up for a baby newsletter thing that came in the mail, stating my babies age and developmental leve...what they should be doing by now and how I could more fully enjoy that stage. Talk about cruel! It took me a long time to get off the mailing list. Its hard to move past that time , those hours that you held him in your arms and see the world move on without Maxson. The remembering and revisiting is good, its healing, its painful but a part of the process. Those rollercoaster emotions will start coming less and less frequently with time. Hang in there. May God gently lead you through.

melissa said...

I'm looking forward to seeing your video. I love it when you share your pictures of Max.

boltefamily said...

Praying for you I wish I ad words to ease your pain...we both know there are no such words. Sending love and prayers your way!

JKcotten said...

Joey & I think of you often-and talk about you and Dustins situation quite a bit more than you would think. We really are thankful for you-and although we didnt know you at the time of Max's birth and passing- we are here now and pray for you tons. You two are so admirable in how you have handled the past year! God will bless you.