I do realize when my co-workers, strangers, and even some friends look at me they don't see a Mom. To be honest when I look in the mirror or finish a day out I don't feel like a mom. Nothing in my day usually reflects being a mom. To count how many times I have longed to be drug out of bed with a crying baby or to leave a store unfinished to save others ears from my crying baby or to not be out at a peaceful dinner. To those with kids this may sound odd, to long for the not so joyful times of motherhood, to want it all... the good the bad and the ugly! But coming through to where I'm at now... what I wouldn't give to be up all night with my crying baby boy. So, I don't appear to be a mom I don't have any of the usual tells, besides the unkept hair at times, but what I do have is the Mother's heart which now knows the love of her child, and now longs for everything Max would have given, the disgusting diapers and all.
With all that being said, this past Mother's Day I actually felt like a Mom. In part to many friends and family that acknowledged me as so and in part to prayers. I was really expecting a dreadful day. Dust and I took off to my hometown and surprised my mom, we cleaned her house and spent the day honoring her and in turn I felt pretty peaceful and my soul didn't ache as much as I was expecting. We even visited Maxson's grave for the second time, which though sad held much more peace than the first time.
I love and am immensely grateful for all your sweet comments. Some have come when I needed the words most. Thanks for the prayers on Mother's Day and the continued support. I know this blog may be viewed by other mom's who have lost or know that loss lies ahead of them, and my hope is along with my posts and your comments we may bring comfort or hope to a Momma in pain. I know I sound like a broken record but the choice we made to carry Max's life out is one I would never ever take back. And I so remember the initial days after we were told about Maxson's condition and all the many emotions that plagued my vision. Then I couldn't have dreamed what joy, comfort, love, encouragement, peace, memories, and friendships would lie ahead of me. Sure more than my taking of grief, pain, sorrow, anger and loneliness have been felt too, it's just back in August I didn't see any good in the days ahead of me all I saw was the pain. So please pray for the other Mother's hearts out there tonight who ache at knowing the coming loss of their child or who are grieving the loss now.