The Mother at Heart

I do realize when my co-workers, strangers, and even some friends look at me they don't see a Mom. To be honest when I look in the mirror or finish a day out I don't feel like a mom. Nothing in my day usually reflects being a mom. To count how many times I have longed to be drug out of bed with a crying baby or to leave a store unfinished to save others ears from my crying baby or to not be out at a peaceful dinner. To those with kids this may sound odd, to long for the not so joyful times of motherhood, to want it all... the good the bad and the ugly! But coming through to where I'm at now... what I wouldn't give to be up all night with my crying baby boy. So, I don't appear to be a mom I don't have any of the usual tells, besides the unkept hair at times, but what I do have is the Mother's heart which now knows the love of her child, and now longs for everything Max would have given, the disgusting diapers and all.

With all that being said, this past Mother's Day I actually felt like a Mom. In part to many friends and family that acknowledged me as so and in part to prayers. I was really expecting a dreadful day. Dust and I took off to my hometown and surprised my mom, we cleaned her house and spent the day honoring her and in turn I felt pretty peaceful and my soul didn't ache as much as I was expecting. We even visited Maxson's grave for the second time, which though sad held much more peace than the first time.

I love and am immensely grateful for all your sweet comments. Some have come when I needed the words most. Thanks for the prayers on Mother's Day and the continued support. I know this blog may be viewed by other mom's who have lost or know that loss lies ahead of them, and my hope is along with my posts and your comments we may bring comfort or hope to a Momma in pain. I know I sound like a broken record but the choice we made to carry Max's life out is one I would never ever take back. And I so remember the initial days after we were told about Maxson's condition and all the many emotions that plagued my vision. Then I couldn't have dreamed what joy, comfort, love, encouragement, peace, memories, and friendships would lie ahead of me. Sure more than my taking of grief, pain, sorrow, anger and loneliness have been felt too, it's just back in August I didn't see any good in the days ahead of me all I saw was the pain. So please pray for the other Mother's hearts out there tonight who ache at knowing the coming loss of their child or who are grieving the loss now.

with love,


Stacy D said...

The day to day is so hard... but I am so glad that you felt honored as a mother on Mother's Day, Trish. You are a mom... and a fabulous one at that.

Still thinking about you guys and praying...

~ Stayc

ABCDE=Party of 5 for ME! said...

I'm still praying for you to! I'm glad you had a peaceful Mother's Day! While I have four living kids, I also have three in heaven, and though I never got far enough to be able to hold them, I think about them often.... posts like yours remind me that when my kids are driving me absolutely insane, or the diapers stink to high heaven, how blessed I am, and how I need to remember your post! Thank you for that!


Tammy On the Go said...

It is so good to hear from you!

Whitney said...

Thank you for this post. My son died on March 6 from Trisomy 18. I don't feel like a mother either and I too long for all those moments, dirty diapers and all.

Much love,

Lorraine-bo said...

I am not Mom, nor even a wife yet; but I hope to be someday. I pray that I too remember to recognize God's peace in the difficult times as you have done.

You are a lovely woman of God, whom He created to be a wife and a mother. God bless you for doing both in His love, even in dark times.

Radar's Mom said...

Dear Trish,

I'm glad that you were honored as the mother that you are on Mother's Day. Indeed you are a mother and longing for the sleepless nights, spit-up drenched shirts, overflowing diapers is totally understandable... as mothers we do long for the yucky parts along with the good stuff... we want it all.

And when you get that chance at some point in the future to be the day to day mother, you'll find that Maxson has made your mother's heart bigger than most. You'll appreciate the baby farts and store screaming so much more than you might have if you hadn't first been Maxson's mommy.

Still praying for your mommy's heart and for the other mothers with overflowing hearts and empty arms.


Jessica said...

I found your blog while looking for support and guidance in the final weeks of my pregnancy. My little girl, Eva, has a chromosome imbalance and is not expected to live (partial monosomy 4 and partial trisomy 18).

Thank you for sharing your heart on this blog. It has touched me and helped me and I am sure it has helped others and will continue to in the future. Our children's lives are important. They are very special and a gift from God. Sometimes I feel that only moms who have lost children can understand how a small child can have such a huge impact in such a time with us.

I will be delivering Eva by c-section some time in the next 3 weeks (she is also breech). Our situation is much like yours, choosing to deliver early or risking her passing away in the womb. We are hoping to make it to 37wks on June 15th. We pray God grants us some time with our sweet girl here on Earth. We are also comforted to know we will meet her again in Heaven.

Thank you again for sharing your journey, and your heart, and for sharing your precious son with us.