Yesterday was the two month milestone. Funny how the meaning of milestone has shifted its meaning. Now a milestone signifies time without Maxson, time that has allowed God to show his never ending supply of grace, mercy, and strength.
Really early yesterday February 5, I woke with that ache in my soul for my son. Tears came and I never did fall back asleep.
The day started out so sad. No one in my family or close friends remembered or acknowledged and its only been two months. Alone I relished in thoughts of Maxson and alone I thought about what I could do to celebrate this day, and if that was even going to be possible. I had a busy day from the start. I am trying to find a serving job. So, that filled my day.
Anyway, last night I listened to Undeniable by Matt Kearney, now whether these are christian lyrics is up to debate. But as far as I'm concerned they were my God send on Max's two month birthday in Heaven.
Keep in mind yesterday was FEBRUARY 5, and I will explain the rest in a sec: Here are some of the lyrics.
February 5th, Friday morning, purple dawn,
Broke a yawn, as I stepped through the fog, like I stepped to a song
A moment like a poem, you wish you could hold it
I shut my eyes like it's frozen, it's gone when I open
It slipped past the clouds right there where it lingered
Like your band and a girl could slip through your fingers
My feet hit the ground like a beat for the lonely
On a path beaten down by the crowds in the morning
If only I could touch past the phony
If only they were there now to hold me
As the questions keep droning
You're the only one who stuck it out last night
The only other one who caught the other line
You're the only one when this world collides
The one that I can't deny
It's undeniable how brilliant you are
In an unreliable world you shine like a star
It's unforgettable now that we've come this far
It's unmistakable that you're undeniable
The past couple of months God has brought me through
some very dark waters. He has shown me the only one
I can rely on is HIM! He has made it undeniable that
I can not carry this alone, he has made it undeniable that the realm in which he works is more beautiful than my understanding will stretch.
So yesterday, while it started out as a very sad day it did end
with this song and the amazing peace only HE can provide.
Maxson celebrated two months in Heaven! I celebrated the fact I will
hold him again, and my sadness will not be eternal.
God continues to be the one who catches the other line! And while it
feels wrong to not be seen as a mother in this world, I know I am, I am a mom from here out.
I really wanted to play this song on my blog but the player did not have it. But I really encourage you to listen to it, the words while they do not directly praise our God they clearly do to anyone with a God perspective. Every part of the song spoke to me and with out hearing it like that yesterday, I'm not sure I would've been able to have joy in Max's 2 month birthday.
Alright, thank you for the prayers, I have felt so much peace.