2 Months

Yesterday was the two month milestone. Funny how the meaning of milestone has shifted its meaning. Now a milestone signifies time without Maxson, time that has allowed God to show his never ending supply of grace, mercy, and strength.

Really early yesterday February 5, I woke with that ache in my soul for my son. Tears came and I never did fall back asleep.

The day started out so sad. No one in my family or close friends remembered or acknowledged and its only been two months. Alone I relished in thoughts of Maxson and alone I thought about what I could do to celebrate this day, and if that was even going to be possible. I had a busy day from the start. I am trying to find a serving job. So, that filled my day.

Anyway, last night I listened to Undeniable by Matt Kearney, now whether these are christian lyrics is up to debate. But as far as I'm concerned they were my God send on Max's two month birthday in Heaven.

Keep in mind yesterday was FEBRUARY 5, and I will explain the rest in a sec: Here are some of the lyrics.

February 5th, Friday morning, purple dawn,
Broke a yawn, as I stepped through the fog, like I stepped to a song
A moment like a poem, you wish you could hold it
I shut my eyes like it's frozen, it's gone when I open
It slipped past the clouds right there where it lingered
Like your band and a girl could slip through your fingers

My feet hit the ground like a beat for the lonely
On a path beaten down by the crowds in the morning

If only I could touch past the phony
If only they were there now to hold me
As the questions keep droning

You're the only one who stuck it out last night
The only other one who caught the other line
You're the only one when this world collides
The one that I can't deny


It's undeniable how brilliant you are
In an unreliable world you shine like a star
It's unforgettable now that we've come this far
It's unmistakable that you're undeniable

The past couple of months God has brought me through
some very dark waters. He has shown me the only one
I can rely on is HIM! He has made it undeniable that
I can not carry this alone, he has made it undeniable that the realm in which he works is more beautiful than my understanding will stretch.

So yesterday, while it started out as a very sad day it did end
with this song and the amazing peace only HE can provide.

Maxson celebrated two months in Heaven! I celebrated the fact I will
hold him again, and my sadness will not be eternal.

God continues to be the one who catches the other line! And while it
feels wrong to not be seen as a mother in this world, I know I am, I am a mom from here out.

I really wanted to play this song on my blog but the player did not have it. But I really encourage you to listen to it, the words while they do not directly praise our God they clearly do to anyone with a God perspective. Every part of the song spoke to me and with out hearing it like that yesterday, I'm not sure I would've been able to have joy in Max's 2 month birthday.

Alright, thank you for the prayers, I have felt so much peace.

with love,
Max's mommy!


Sharleen said...

Our christian radio station plays that song all the time.
I know it can be hard when nobody seems to remember those anniversary dates.(((hugs)))I'm approaching month 5 next week.
Praying for you!

Stacy D said...

The anniversaries are so hard... the reminders of what could have been but aren't, the increasing distance from the last time you saw your beautiful boy. I am praying that God will continue to be so present with you, Trish...

~ Stacy

Laurie in Ca. said...

Oh Trish,

I remember Maxson but I didn't remember the date, I am sorry. I hate that you felt abandoned as you continue to miss him so much. You continue to be in my prayers and am asking God to lift you up moment by moment.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

boltefamily said...

Praying for you as you figure out how to go on without sweet Max. Praying for God to continue to reveal himself to you and bring you joy in your sorrow.

Love and prayers!

Carla Burlando said...

If I could hug you right now I would...and I'm not a hugger :) Happy 2 month birthday in heaven Maxson! You are right you are a mother and always will be...there is something that changes in a persons heart when you become a mother for the first time...no matter for how long you were able to hold him...your heart is now that of a mothers.

Jess said...

Trish, I am very sorry that more people did not reach out to you yesterday, but I am certain that MANY people thought about you, Dust and Max and lifted you up in prayer. I know I did.


Kathleen said...

I think of you both and Max every day. His "angel eyes" picture is burned in my brain - I know that must be what the baby Jesus looked like -- pure love.

Love and prayers

Tammy said...

Always following along..

Anonymous said...

I read a book on grief after my sister died, 5 months ago on the 24th. It said that something changed at month two and it was hard to understand how people could just move on. It happened unfortunately. Or at least they were afraid to bring it up, thinking maybe I was trying to oblivious I guess. I realized I could no longer say I'm just okay when people asked how I was doing, because they didn't remember and thought I just was glum during the holidays. Now at five months one of my closest friends that sang at the funeral thought it was nearing a year! I can't say I remembered to say a prayer on the actual date, but I do think about Max every time I show any aggravation with my son, I think of Max and my whole attitude toward the situation changes. So the impact he had on this world is still there very strong. I still can't listen to music without crying songs are amazing especially at church. I am glad you are still writing and being honest, writing really helps. Anyway I am just rambling now, but I hope you know that you are still in my thoughts and prayers. -Jessica

Anonymous said...

Please know that you and your family are being thought of and being lifted up in prayer daily.
I can't imagine what you are going through, but will stand in the gap for you for as long as you need.
Much love!

Amy J. said...

Hi Trish,
Still checking on you guys. I can't believe 2 months has past already. The kids and I take walks around the cemetary (no traffic to worry about) and we walk by where Max lays and say a prayer for you all. One day at a time...

Rebecca Jo said...

Every day will be hard & especially those 'anniversaries' & milestones... but you are so right - rely on Him... I love how you say you know its not eternal that you wont hold him... amen!

Just an ordinary woman said...


I am so sorry that you felt alone on his 2-months in Heaven Day! It must be so hard to have the world go on while your world stands still.

Please know that you and Max are often in my thoughts.. especially when I am getting irritated with my boys.. I remember Max and what he taught me about unconditional love and how we must treasure the times we have.. Your boy is not forgotten.. he has had a lasting impact on so many people.. and will continue to do so everytime I look at my boys..

My heart aches for your loss.. As a mother I can only imagine how difficult it is for you..

You will always be a Mom.. No matter how long he was on this earth, he will always be in Heaven, and that makes you a Mom for eternity!

South Africa

MJ said...

I have been praying for you. I cannot even resolve in my mind the pain you must feel, but know you are prayed for and in my heart.

Anonymous said...

Trish, know that even though I haven't called you or been able to talk to you when you have been at church I have been thinking about and praying you and Dustin lots. Pastor Tom

Laurie in Ca. said...

Just stopping by this evening to let you know I am thinking about you and praying for you. I hope your Valentine's Day was gentle for both of you. I think of your Maxson often and he touched my heart. I love you guys.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Anonymous said...

Hi - this is the first time I've posted on your blog but I just had to. Matt Kearney's music has brought me through the toughest trials of my life this year and his song "undeniable" is my ringtone. I am glad you also find comfort in his music. Just wanted you to know that my friend grew up with him and he is indeed a Christian :). Blessings from Seattle! -Leah