Dustin

Maxson Linwood is one very lucky boy, I do hope God instilled this in Max. His Daddy loved him so much and he is and would have been such a great dad.

Dustin has this gift, I call it a gift anyway, his mom had it too...he has a way to almost always put everyone else ahead of himself. A way to take care of my needs, Max's needs, and everyone's needs before his own...hmm....except for food, he will steal the last ice cream sandwich. But he truly loves and shows it through many selfless acts. I just wish Max would have been able to experience this warm blanket of love a lot longer than he did.

So Father's Day was okay. But okay is a good thing, I mean you can't expect much more this first Father's Day without our baby boy. Dustin was strong as usual I did see his eyes gloss over when he read a card my sister sent him.

Speaking of Dust, that is one of the many painful subjects that have plagued my mind over the loss of Max. Why Dustin? Why God, his mom then his son? Why so much sorrow for a man who is so selfless? Why can't Dust enjoy his son HERE?

Alright...

that feels better.

Well I thank God for such a wonderful husband and I pray God will bring joy into Dustin's life.

It has been my longest stretch without posting and checking the blog world news. So today I have been catching up on this "April Rose" thing and all of the mommas blogs I follow. Really I should be writing some bills out but that can wait.

First, Maxson did have his sixth month without a post from me. All I can say is its been hard and its been good. Really my mind goes something like this: Ahh I miss him, aww this pit in my stomach...oh God please help carry this for me...then there are times like this: why don't I feel that missing part? Where is the ache? Max is my son who is not in my arms, please God let me feel the piece of my heart that Max has. Really, God is the only one Great enough to deal with this manic mindset that I have. One day I felt so low that I googled "extreme depression" then later wrote in my journal to God and woke up the next day dancing on the clouds...to be so up and down never happened to me before Maxson. The reason I haven't had words lately is I can't find the words to sum up these emotions.

Second thing I want to write about is my take on this "April Rose" fraud. It is a horrible thing for her to do, but then it takes someone pretty lost to play on a fictitious story of such a great loss. I know she has said she has lost a child in the past but really she has lost any credibility in my book, so who knows. I do forgive her and I pray God helps her too. When it comes down to it I am a sinner as is this woman, and we both have the hope and faith in forgiveness through Jesus Christ... she deserves forgiveness as do we all. A fallen world, a world where people lie, I just hope that this particular web of falsehood doesn't tarnish the support for other mom's and families that need this outlet. This blog world has been a saving grace to me many times. Please know there are so many of us on here who are opening up a part of our lives that are truly wounded and need your prayers and thoughts. Just please try not to let this hinder you from praying for someone you feel led to do so for.

I have a doctors appointment this week. I was going into this fertility thing again with a plan not to share it with those close to me. Lately the anxiety of it all has been heavy on my mind. I can't do it alone I need you to storm Heaven for Dust and I. We need the support of our family and friends. And while I may not be sharing every detailed event in this journey with our family and friends as I did last time I will share we are on the road again. Please ask God to supply us with the strength to handle what may be ahead, please seek a miracle in your prayers for us.

with love,
Max's momma