Waiting

After just touching on that we lost our kids in the last post I thought I better explain.

We found out a week before Thanksgiving that relatives of the children had hired a court inspector to locate the children when they found that the mother was without them. And although no one is taking them out of the orphanage we were advised to not continue to court. If we continued we would likely lose in court anyway.

I was totally surprised being new and all to the international adoption world.

So now what.

Well if it would have happened any later we would have been out some money but now our money just gets transferred to a new adoption. However, we are in the DRC, Africa now, that is where our money is tied up. Which in some way I am grateful that I am locked in and don't have to make that decision.

This took me a while to post. For one I am really tired of being the bearer of bad news. Two, I am tired of people saying "I'm sorry". I have been on my knees crying out for God to lead me in the direction HE desires. And that is exactly why I am here.

Waiting.

Trying to make sense of the loss I can only be straight with one thing...God is sovereign. So...I will say for whatever reason we are here, waiting.

Antonio and Regina did push me down the path...actually taking the long and difficult steps to start the adoption process. I can be thankful for their sweet faces in my life for the simple fact that we started this road. Who knows maybe without them I would still be doing nothing out of fear of the unknown.

We have decided to wait for a baby. Could be tomorrow or months from now when we receive word. We are the only ones on the list with our agency from this country. We have no preference of boy or girl or twins. I find myself often praying for our child that I know God already knows. Very similar to a pregnancy, when before that 20 week ultra sound you are so in the dark. And for us is a time to truly rely on God for our strength and place to rest all our fears, doubts, and anxieties.

We were very sad about losing two children that we felt belonged in our family. I try to remind myself that they must have family that cares...it's tough to do.

We will continue to pray and support them in different ways. And who knows maybe we will meet them someday. I know they will never be forgotten from our hearts!

Four Years AGO/OLD

Today will never go unnoticed in my world. In fact even the mention of the 5th of any month brings an instant reminder of today four years ago.

Time passes and with relation to the day we brought Maxson into and out of this world, time... has frozen. I would never believe it has been four years ago. In other ways much has filled our time, and it seems we have completed and done more then what is possible to fit in four years.

This sweet day four years ago I was blessed to kiss and hold, and to see my little boy. That day was amazing for so many reasons and oh so difficult too. Nothing is harder.

If someone offered me a different road would I take it...No. Nothing is harder but nothing else could take the place of what I have gained. I have this love for a child that I am certain beyond a shadow of doubt is in Heaven. Although mixed with pain here it is something I would never trade.

This year we let a balloon go and watched it disappear, trying to connect the balloon with Max in Heaven and the balloon was going to Heaven, for Eli of course ;)  I spent the day telling Elijah about his brother. Reminding him again and again it was Max's birthday...again and again, every time I asked he would say Eli's birthday. you could say we are working on a lot of things related to 'mine'.

I have had some major ups and downs this last four years. The road of grief was also filled with disappointments and setbacks. We have also recently had a hard road as we started this adoption, fell in love with two children and lost them in a matter of months. With all of this I have had my share of doubting God's love for me...not that everyone doesn't struggle with this but it has been a major struggle for me. I don't doubt God's sovereignty, I just wonder how he can love me. Anyway all that said to say this...

Here is the story.

Four years ago I gained and lost a son, with that I had to learn to live life without my son. God did bless me with Maxson and he also blessed me with a friendship.

Hannah found my blog ...I am not sure how. She contacted me by email shortly after Maxson passed and offered to draw a picture of him. After we exchanged several emails, I felt connected to Hannah, as simple as that. Over the past four years our friendship has continued to grow we often speak on the phone weekly and she is the first person I think of to pray with me. We have never met face to face, well if you count skype I take that back. Hannah and her family are so dear to me. I feel like we have been friends for years. It feels strange to think we have never been in the same state, let alone the same place. Our friendship has been built on shared love for our Savior and the struggles we deal with and those wonderful moments of joy. She has been one of the bigger miracles I can attest to from Maxson's life. So without knowing my recent thoughts she sent me this today...

• And now for what I was wanting to share:
  (song #15 on the last cd I sent you)

  "It is for this reason I I bow my knees, before the Father of the Lord Jesus Christ, for Whom the whole family on heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His spirit in your inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith, that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints, what is the width, and the length, and the depth, and the height, to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge, that you may be filled with the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundant above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen."

  i just love this worship song because I can't ever listen to it without feeling the need to be on my face before God while I try to understand how deep His affection and love for us runs. You know, I feel like about 98% of the time, I'm kind of bumbling along, trying to understand, and then about 2% of the time, I start to understand. I guess last night was one of those times, and I realize how much His love is the only thing on earth that can ground us, and give us deep roots that keep us from being tossed around in this life. When I was listening to the first part of the song last night, I felt like the Lord was showing me a picture of you- you were completely enveloped by Him, and I felt like He was (and wants you to know) He is washing you with His affections, from the inside out. And that all of these hard things you are having to walk through- He is causing your roots to go deeper, and I just feel Him being so tender and loving with you and your heart, and that He is so proud of you. These things cause deep, deep roots, that will never be shaken, and oh, what a privilege it is to be one whom the Lord sets deep roots down in. Thats what I felt God impressing upon me last night, for you 

  I just want you to know that I am praying this song for your heart, for Dustin's heart, for my heart, for our children's hearts. "That we your church, Father, would be rooted and grounded in the Heart of your Son. That we would be firmly rooted in the love of Your Son, Jesus. Oh, that we would be rooted and grounded in Your love, established firmly in your love. That we would feel and know the affections of Jesus, we would know and believe the love God has for us. That we would experience Your heart."

  
  
She has often reminded me of just what i needed to be reminded of. So this is why I shared this...

God's love is infinate. It is not explained or expressed by life turning out a certain way or by life being easy.

It is not altered by anything we do or don't do. He loves us. He loves Maxson. 

Sometimes it is just getting back to the basics "Jesus loves me"!!!

After all Christ died because HE FIRST LOVED US!

Here is a song that always brings me to tears the deep ones that I am sure come from my soul.

HOW HE LOVES 

Happy Birthday to a boy who keeps on teaching his mama! What a blessing it is to be called your mom.