Wedding Ring

Tonight I finally was able to squeeze my wedding ring on! Yes...I was beginning to think I would have to have it stretched. And I was questioning if it was possible for a ring to shrink.

The ring means so much to me, it carries memories that go far beyond its value. The significance of the ring and the memories it carries...well here it is.

Engagement, five years ago. Dust proposed on a dinner train the night was unforgettable, he drove like a maniac, the directions from Map Quest led us in the complete wrong direction. I stood on the train dock crying as the train pulled out, not because we missed the train but I had just been through the scariest car ride of my life, he ran stop lights, it was bad. Ended well though, the train stopped and a nice couple drove us to the middle of no where and we hopped the train, so to speak. Dust proposed after dinner and everyone on the train remembered me as the girl crying on the train platform...then again any woman would cry after a ride like that.

Wedding day; 4 years ago and some months, not really counting. It was a picture perfect August day and the best part was Dust's mom got to be there. I don't think at the time I appreciated her presence at our wedding as much as I do now. When I think of that day, thoughts of her always follow. The first day of our journey together

Maxson's Birthday; 2 months ago almost 3 now, the baby boy I dreamed about came into the world. We had taken some pictures of Maxson holding our rings. Now looking at my ring (on my finger!!) signifies our unity as a family, Dust, me, and Max.

Thank you God for all the blessings you have given us! Max's life has enriched my life and the worth of it goes far beyond any riches, or jewelry for that matter.




Maxson,

I miss you more than I can express and although you only held my wedding ring for a moment you will hold a piece of my heart indefinitely. I will cherish the memory of your time with us and I will rejoice the day I hold you again and kiss your sweet face.

love you,

mom

The Grave

Today in Church we sang "Mighty to Save" a line in the song says "Jesus conquered the grave" with that line said came the picture of Maxson living with Jesus, his grave not being the end. Then came the thanksgiving in my heart, thank you for our Father, for beating the grave for my son, for us.

One layer that this grief has brought out is my longing for Heaven, also the sadness that right now I don't know what Heaven is like. I don't know what Max is seeing, doing, and who is watching him. Dust finds a solid comfort in the idea his Mom may be taking care of and holding our son, which fits his mom, who was one of those beyond wonderful Grandmas. This at times has given me comfort but there are moments when I yearn to see and know for sure who is watching Max.

To bring this full circle now, the song today gave me full comfort in my Son's place. I felt victorious that Jesus conquered the grave, and that Maxson is in a place more beautiful than my understanding can stretch. Today, the worries of who was watching over Maxson didn't bother me at all, today, I am fully appreciating that my God is mighty to save and because of this my son is reaping the benefits (for lack of better words).

I added the song to my Playlist. The whole song has such powerful words. I also am leaving you with a picture of Max. One of our pictures that I don't think has been shared yet. I think Maxson looks like he was well on his way to being an angel in this pic. The light has a bit more meaning to me as in this pic, Max's gaze was stuck on the light.

2 Months

Yesterday was the two month milestone. Funny how the meaning of milestone has shifted its meaning. Now a milestone signifies time without Maxson, time that has allowed God to show his never ending supply of grace, mercy, and strength.

Really early yesterday February 5, I woke with that ache in my soul for my son. Tears came and I never did fall back asleep.

The day started out so sad. No one in my family or close friends remembered or acknowledged and its only been two months. Alone I relished in thoughts of Maxson and alone I thought about what I could do to celebrate this day, and if that was even going to be possible. I had a busy day from the start. I am trying to find a serving job. So, that filled my day.

Anyway, last night I listened to Undeniable by Matt Kearney, now whether these are christian lyrics is up to debate. But as far as I'm concerned they were my God send on Max's two month birthday in Heaven.

Keep in mind yesterday was FEBRUARY 5, and I will explain the rest in a sec: Here are some of the lyrics.

UNDENIABLE
February 5th, Friday morning, purple dawn,
Broke a yawn, as I stepped through the fog, like I stepped to a song
A moment like a poem, you wish you could hold it
I shut my eyes like it's frozen, it's gone when I open
It slipped past the clouds right there where it lingered
Like your band and a girl could slip through your fingers
My feet hit the ground like a beat for the lonely
On a path beaten down by the crowds in the morning

If only I could touch past the phony
If only they were there now to hold me
As the questions keep droning

You're the only one who stuck it out last night
The only other one who caught the other line
You're the only one when this world collides
The one that I can't deny

Chorus

It's undeniable how brilliant you are
In an unreliable world you shine like a star
It's unforgettable now that we've come this far
It's unmistakable that you're undeniable

The past couple of months God has brought me through
some very dark waters. He has shown me the only one
I can rely on is HIM! He has made it undeniable that
I can not carry this alone, he has made it undeniable that the realm in which he works is more beautiful than my understanding will stretch.

So yesterday, while it started out as a very sad day it did end
with this song and the amazing peace only HE can provide.

Maxson celebrated two months in Heaven! I celebrated the fact I will
hold him again, and my sadness will not be eternal.

God continues to be the one who catches the other line! And while it
feels wrong to not be seen as a mother in this world, I know I am, I am a mom from here out.

I really wanted to play this song on my blog but the player did not have it. But I really encourage you to listen to it, the words while they do not directly praise our God they clearly do to anyone with a God perspective. Every part of the song spoke to me and with out hearing it like that yesterday, I'm not sure I would've been able to have joy in Max's 2 month birthday.

Alright, thank you for the prayers, I have felt so much peace.

with love,
Trish
Max's mommy!