Catching Up

It has been awhile since I have posted. Many times I have tried but my mind has been so scattered and life has been so busy, a lot of time I just have anxiety of how I am going to get everything done that I need to (anxiety is something new for me, yuk).

First, I am working with that production company I wrote about earlier. They are the nicest people and I am really excited for the chance to do what I went to school for. So thank you for your prayers not only am I working with a couple who are willing to give me work they are also willing to mentor me, that I may improve on my skill. Serving is still alive and I am a bit over scheduled but hopefully I can figure out on how to balance the two without getting stressed.

Easter was really hard. Just like Christmas when the day was over a weight was lifted. I don't know the reason for this. I don't understand why the pain was so raw that day. Just more I don't knows, I don't understands I have to find a place of peace with. Some days I really battle with the reason I am not holding Max and the fact I have to live with this maybe until I'm over a hundred -ahhh. I have to learn this new normal and keep joy and hope in living this life without a piece of my heart. I can't remember where I read this but the author said losing a loved one is like losing a limb. You have to learn to live without that limb, you can't live the way you did before, you have to accept and learn to live a life different than it would have been. So I will continue to learn, to accept that my life is going to have to find a new normal...and I am. God is here, HE hasn't given up on me. I know He has a lot of work to do in me. Only God knows His plans for me and I am trying to trust Him.

Last weekend I visited Maxson's grave for the first time since we laid him to rest. Keep in mind I am from ND and it was my first chance to see his grave because of the massive amount of snow we've had. And I moved away. But we went back, if you couldn't tell I have felt guilt for not visiting his grave earlier but rationally I know he isn't there anyway.

Anyway, it hurt. Ahh, I hated the idea of having to visit Max's grave, this is a loaded statement and I don't mean that I don't want to it just sucks! I cried real ugly and left with missing him more than when I arrived. It was the first visit so I'm sure it will become a place where there is more than just deep moans and longings. I really can't imagine if I didn't have my faith. If I thought that grave was it. Wow, the emptiness of that.

Dust and I have talked and God willing we want to start fertility at the end of the summer or maybe sooner. I still have just as deep of a desire to Mother and I want Maxson to have a brother or sister or maybe even a bunch. Is this scary? More than I could put in words. Not only the pregnancy and birth the fact of any of my future children dying before me is what scares me. That's the trusting God part I'm working on. I don't know if I've shared but fertility issues go both ways for Dust and me. We both have factors that make it difficult and a complete miracle if it were to happen naturally. But knowing that still doesn't count out that hope I have every month. Then the curse comes and I deal and I anticipate next month. It just takes once for God to work a great miracle and my faith that He could is no less now than a year and some months ago. But we both believe God created us and therefore the science we have been able to cultivate, we will try fertility again. After all He knits the life together!

I will stay in touch. I send my love to those of you reading.

Max's momma

Love Remains

Four months

Today has been hard. Hard in that I can't quite think on Max too long without feeling that I am going to break down and I just don't want to. I have cried more in the last 8 months than I have in my entire life. I'm not a girl who cries pretty. My face turns red, my eyes swell, heck my whole my face swells. I can let a few tears escape but if I give in to the cry I will then deal with aftermath. I'm tired of dealing with aftermath. In all sorts. So, yes today many tears have escaped but I'm keeping the cry in today.

I have searched a bit deeper today about my love for Maxson. And this is where my thoughts led me: Here out I have this love. No one can take it away or steal it. Well, it can't be seen or noticed by others it is here forever. It physically holds me and it will always be one of my most valuable possessions. Even though love is not tangible I feel like I can embrace it, hold it, that is how powerful the love I feel for Max is.

So, I don't have my son here to hold, to raise, to nurture, to kiss, to see grow, to laugh with, and this list could go on and on. But now I have the love, the love remains.

What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love becomes a part of us.

Helen Keller




Happy four months in Heaven Maxson.