I have been for quite some time, planning on looking back on Max's birthday and writing out the day and days after. One, I know it will be healing, two I want you all to be able to know what went on that day, and three for my son's day to be remembered in writing. I do have a lot of the day on video and plan to edit something together sometime but I want to wait until I am ready to watch the video in whole, which I haven't had the courage to do so thus far. I will at some point. But for now I want to share with you in words.
December 5, 2008
Dust and I were to the hospital around 5:30 on the 5th. The rest of my family and friends joined us around 6 am. Everything that morning felt surreal. We were blessed to have a nurse that was incredibly real, and with us through the day and into the night. It was the first time she ever took part in a delivery such as ours, the grace and strength she gave to everyone was beyond what anyone expected. I for one didn't understand the importance of her job that day. Now, knowing what was before her that day leaves me with a new respect for what nurses do and are capable of giving.
She arrived along with a few other doctors at least I think they were doctors. They all introduced themselves and gave me an idea of what to expect in the operating room. It was really like a dream leading up to Max's arrival. My doctor prayed with us, I felt secure in her care. Another nurse offered to video and our photographers were there ready to snap pictures. For anyone who has been through a c-section I'm sure you know the crazy ER experience of the operating room. My family and friends prayed and waited together in the waiting room. After they prepared me, with a catheter in all, Dust was able to come in and be by my side. From when my Dr. started the incision to when I had a glimpse of Max over the curtain felt like seconds and it was only minutes. My c-section was scheduled at 7:30 am and Max was lifted over the curtain at 7:33 am.
Love at first sight doesn't do justice to the way my heart soared looking at his face. I went to some place... Jesus I believe carried me from that moment on. The part of the video I have seen was when they were trying to get Max to breath. This felt like seconds to me again, but in reality was much longer. They worked on him for some time and I just was able to have peace and watch his sweet face for what I thought was seconds. I do remember wanting desperately to switch spots with him, to not have to watch him struggle to breath. But God took time away which now thinking back if I would've felt time I don't know if I could have made it through and kept my composure. Composure was so important that day, if I would have lost it the memories would have been tarnished to just pain, there was so much more there that day than just pain.
Then he was in my arms. Dust and I enjoyed Maxson and were able to feel such true joy as this little life graced us with his time.
It was time for us to be moved to a special room that allowed all of my family and friends to meet Maxson. I was moved out of the operating room with Maxson in my arms and alive. At this point if my memory serves me right Max started this cooing sound that while it sounded cute and promising my nurse informed us it was the sound of him becoming tired. The doctor told me Max would become tired and that no amount of time could be given but that it wasn't long. This is another moment I felt a powerful strength given to me. I didn't break down I just enjoyed his presence. I let my family hold him real quick and back on my chest he went. My pastor was there and we dedicated Max to the Lord. And I just felt in awe of his life, watching and feeling him with me can't be put into words to express the amazement and love it carried. My nurse informed us he was becoming tired. At some point I turned Max to face me. He looked into my eyes I felt for a moment he knew I was his mamma and then a absent glaze came over his eyes. His heart came to a stop shortly after this 10:44 am.
Immediately after his heart stopped a time of pure agony came on but was short lived, I again felt some strength come (your prayers were there, and I felt all of them). We gave Max a bath and took some pictures with him. Then we enjoyed him just being in our arms even though it was just physical.
I have some great friends and my friends have some great men in their lives. One of my friend's husband is so real and honest, and I deeply respect him for his honesty, he told me later that when he came to visit he thought it was weird that we were all happily hanging out with a baby who had passed. But when he entered the room and had the chance to hold Max his view changed. He thought it was the most beautiful real experience he has ever had the chance to share. I wanted to share this thought because I understand that it may seem weird to have joy and peace holding a child that has gone to be with Jesus. But it wasn't. I held and shared Max with family and friends until 9 that night.
I was moved to a private room in the OB some time during the day. This is the room I would spend the next few days. Some of my friends did my makeup and hair so we could have a few more pictures with Maxson as a family. My girlfriends that day were able to experience everything with us and I am so grateful they did. Not only cause it made Max's life so real to them, it helped me and helps me to know that they just know.
My family was there all day the love and support they provided really carried me through. Dust was so strong and I could see the love he had for his son all over his face. A proud papa! Being able to see my Dad and Mom enjoy their grandson's life are memories I have that I wouldn't trade for any amount of money. I spent a lot of the day pulling Max to my face and kissing his little head. Best kiss ever! I only lost it completely when the funeral home came and took him away. My family was there to help me through this part. They did offer me the chance to keep Max till morning something we decided not to do, some days I regret this other days I feel peace about our choice.
December 6, 2008
When awoke the next day is when it fully hit me. I felt like I woke up with my legs amputated. I felt ripped in two not from the physical pain of the c-section but from my baby not being where he was supposed to, in my arms or beneath my heart. Ahh, this was the hardest part of the whole journey the time when I can say the pain about did me in. Dust didn't know what to do with me, he called my parents and my whole family came in to console me. Later that day a close friend came and laid with me in my bed all day. I drifted in and out . Not only did Dustin lose his son but he had to watch me go through such a difficult time this thought alone can bring tears to my eyes.
The next few days were really hard for us. Nights especially, I would wake up and Dust would be sleeping and the reality would hit me again and again. One night there was a nurse I don't remember her name or know if I would recognize her face, she said she was called in and never really works in OB, anyway she held me while I cried and shared her own loss of two children with me. A Godsend? I believe so but I don't believe in coincidences being that, I believe in a higher power working in a higher way, some call it miracles. She was there that night to help me maybe like no else could.
Dustin slept in a chair next to my bed every night, poor guy. My sister Shelly stayed late visiting with us a couple of the nights, which says a lot because of her busy life. Prayers were pleaded and loads of support were offered. I know I have stated this before but having and losing Max was such a humbling experience.
My hope in writing this out is I may heal a bit more today, and that you may become even more a part of that day! I know this post is filled with lots of tears and pain, I pray you are also able to see the joy and the very real, beautiful story God wrote through Max's life.
with love,
Trish
21 comments:
I don't know if I've ever posted before, but I had to comment after that post.
I started reading your blog the day before you gave birth to Maxson. I was directed here from another blog I read (although I couldn't tell you which one now). At the time, I thought it was a special birth because you were having him on my best friends birthday, however, it became even more memorable because my nephew was born that day as well.
I had already read about Maxson's passing when we got the phone call late that night that my sister-in-law had given birth. It was hard for me to hear, as I had just miscarried our first child on Dec. 1st. First I said a prayer for Aaron (my nephew), who was having some breathing difficulties, then I said a prayer for Maxson and your family, then one for myself.
It's funny what can take place in a day, or even in a week. God does place people in our lives when we need them, and I believe that the nurse you met was sent straight from God! I've reconnected with some wonderful people who were going through miscarriages at the same time that I was was, and it was just Godsends how they all found me right when they needed me, or better yet, when I needed them.
Thank you for this post... thank you for your honesty. I was in tears as I read it, and I cannot believe how wonderfully strong you were. You and your husband are continually in my prayers.
Dear Trish, Thank you so much for sharing Max with us.... God has really blessed you with a talent for writing and I cried through your whole post! God really chose a special woman to be Max's momma!
Hugs!
Dawn
Oh man, I just put on make up and was just waiting to leave for a program at my kids school...looks like I'll be re-doing my mascara!
I feel like I was there with you after reading what you went through. I guess in a way I was from far away praying for you and Maxson. I remember those hours after my sons birth and death so vividly...like they were yesterday sometimes. I didn't cry, I felt joy, I felt so many things...so many feelings that didn't really come out until later. The crying didn't come until the physical separation and leaving the hospital. I like your example of feeling like you had limbs amputated. That is so what it is like in a way. I even had that "phantom limb" feeling...my body wanted my baby and couldn't understand that there was none.
I'm thinking of you this mothers day. ITs a tough one for you I'm sure. You are already forever a mother...once a mommy always a mommy.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful Max with us. Your telling of how things went is just heartwrenching, but precious at the same time. I can just feel the love that was with you and your family that day. I'm so sorry that you have had to go through this loss. Katie
Praying that sharing your story about your beautiful Max and what his life was/is for you & your husband is healing. His sweet little life mattered here on this earth.
May you feel extra comfort from the Lord on your first Mother's Day. Praying you feel the Lord holding your heart.
I almost didn't make it through your post. The pain is just too close to home sometimes. I hope it was healing to write it all out...something I should probably do for Samuel.
Will be thinking of you this Sunday especially.
Trish... thank you so much for sharing the experience. I know you probably live it every day in your heart over & over so I appreciate that you showed this part of your world with us.
What strength you & Dustin have... how amazing it is that you felt God's presence with you throughout that day too....
What wonderful friends & family you have around you.... praying you & Dustin are growing closer together through all this pain.
HUGS to you!
thank you so much for sharing these memories of Max with us.
I was praying for you one that day... and I wept with you today - again... I wish the ending was different... but we share the same and only God.
Trust in the Lord forever,
For in Yah, the Lord is everlasting strength. Isiah 26:4
May God continue to give you strength.
Andrea
I have never posted before but I have followed your story. Maxson has touched so many lives that only know him from this blog. You are such awesome parents that through you two and Maxson you have touched and helped so many people. Every little comment and post you make, have helped someone in some kind of way.
Thank you for being real. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and helping people like me.
I think of little Maxson up in heaven and how proud he must be of his Mom and Dad.
My heart aches for you. I know how difficult the c-section recovery is and how hard that must have been for you with that length of stay in a hospital without him...I can't imagine. You are strong, but I know that must not have made this journey any easier. I will never understand why good people like yourself have to feel this amount of pain. I will never understand why mother's have to bury their children or say goodbye moments after meeting them for the first time.
I pray for you, I pray that you are blessed and god fills your empty arms. I know you must ache for him every single day. I am so sorry from one mother to another that you have had to walk this journey. I love to hear of Maxson. When my little cousin passed away, I was a little younger and never wanted to bring him up in fear I would hurt them more, that is was something they wouldn't want to talk about because it hurt too much, now I have learned how so untrue that is. You need to talk of him, he deserves to be remembered, and he will forever be your son.
Take care.
I found you through Stacy's blog. I've wept my way through your post. Your baby is just so, so beautiful. I wonder if you would mind me adding your story to "Whispered Support" It's a place for bereaved parents to come to which I co-founded with my beautiful friend carly who runs "To write their names in the sand." Thinking of you today and praying with you xxx
Thankyou so much for sharing your beautiful son's life with us.
Praying for you !!!
Em
from Australia
Trish,
Thanks for your sweet comment on my blog. I love reading about you and your memories of Max.
I thought about you a lot today on Mother's Day, hoping and praying your heart wasn't hurting too much.
~melissa
God is so amazing. The strength He gives us is unimaginable until you have experienced a loss. Something that is hard to convey to those who haven't. You did a wonderful job. I know that every time I told my story about "the day" I felt a small amount of closure. I found it also helped to talk about it with others that were there. They could fill in nice details and also experience healing themselves. You are still in my prayers. God bless and my He continue to give you strength as you are still deep in healing. -Jessica K.
Trish,
What a beautiful post. You, Dustin and Maxson are still in my prayers!
Jenny P.
This was amazing. You somehow brought us into that room with you. Again, thank you for sharing Max with us.
wonderfully written. i know that max is looking down on his proud and he's proud. god does bring certain people in our life for reasons sometimes we don't know. i still come to blog all the time and praying for you Maxs momma~may god bless you. may your heart be at peace. i hope your post helped you in unimaginable ways my friend. hugs to you momma.
Im glad you wrote that- it was good for you- and us to read. I hope you continue to post those things as long as they come to you.
I meant it last week when i said "DONT think like that Trish!...God can move mountains, and he has more blessings in store for you, think BIG & expect God's favor!"
Hey Trish,
It was a beautiful day here in Williston on Monday 5/17. So Ethan and I were taking a walk when we decided to stop by Max's place. I had Ethan's favorite book, "Mr. Brown Can Moo, Can you?" in the stroller so I took it out and read it to Max. I hope this wasn't overstepping my boundaries, but I love it when people tell me how they visited where we placed my sister since it's in Alaska. I have a picture on my cell phone with the book next to his name if you would like it. -Jessica K.
I found your blog through mckmamma's and I must say I'm so deeply touched by your story. I cried reading this post, although I already knew the outcome. Thank you for sharing your story with everyone.
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