When bad things happen...

This morning we had to rush our dog Sady to the vet she was shaking and wouldn't walk. I stay pretty cool through "what if" situations, so I didn't stress much but it did cross my mind we could lose our dog. I went right to God with this; I just told him there was no way I could handle this on top of everything else...But, one thing I have had to come to understand or at least swallow is we don't have control over everything in our life, we don't know what our future holds, we don't know what hardships we will have to endure, or what joys will be coming our way. Yes, we all will lose someone we love, and yes we will have moments of joy but what brings about the two is entirely out of our control...very humbling and in the hardships, extremely frustrating.

So...Sady is okay she has to be confined or not allowed to move around much for about 3 weeks. She was prescribed some pretty good painkillers and muscle relaxers so she's feeling pretty good. I felt bad about kenneling her all the time so we put a pillow in a laundry basket and carry her around so she doesn't have to be alone, she looks like a queen! So that's that....I mean for today! Because one thing I know is we are not saved from nightmares, we may be saved from hell, but while we are here in an imperfect, sinful world we are going to have nightmares; we are going to experience all kinds of pain.

I have had a lot of people tell me that Dustin and I don't deserve this; I will say that was very difficult for me to get over, I thought the struggle with fertility was our great tribulation and trial. There was a crazy amount of prayer around this baby before he was even conceived. I can't express how much Max was and is wanted; so as human as I am it never even crossed my mind that God would allow anything bad to happen to this child. And I felt Dustin and I had been seeking for God and for his will in our lives...I guess I am trying to say I felt like we were somewhat saved from bad things at least something like what is happening now. We did speak to the pastor of our church and he brought up a thought I have had to chew on for some time now. People say why do bad things happen to good people, but really why do good things happen to bad people? All of us, everyone is born bad, born sinful. The degrees in this vary much, I know, but NO ONE is good we may do good deeds but we are not pure, blameless, sinless...So why does any one of us deserve the blessings we do have, what makes us more worthy than the next to receive the good things in our lives? This question is now in my arsenal of questions for Jesus someday.... But now I believe this; no one is saved from nightmares, God is there to help and comfort us but not to save us from pain. Max having t18 to us and to all of you is a horrible nightmare it's heartbreaking and in moments seems so unfair, however I have to understand there is another side we don't understand. Because in God's view Max is going to be held and loved and comforted by Jesus, I can't imagine who else could raise a boy better than Jesus. Not only will he have Jesus to raise him he will never have to feel the pain we do....he WILL BE SAVED from nightmares!!!

I just wanted to share a bit of what I have been thinking, praying, and seeking understanding over...hopefully I will continue to have more understanding about God's plan for Max. I want to find peace about the plan he has for our son, I want to get past the why God.

Today

Thank you so much for the prayers, honestly, I have felt renewed strength since the day I last posted. Your kind emails have been a great comfort, all of your words help. Forgive me if I don't respond personally I have just been wordless after reading each one of your emails. I want to let all of you know how much we thank you and how we appreciate the time you took to write your thoughts and cares for us -it means a great deal!

Today is week 26 of Max's life... I am enjoying him inside me so much that I think I could stay pregnant forever with him safe under my heart. But I suppose you will talk to me at 36 weeks and will be dying to see him face to face. 

One email that I have received talked about the need to ask God in detail for what we need, so I wanted to pass on prayers that we want for our son:

First of course we want a MIRACLE...we want Max to baffle science and break every rule of his diagnosis, we want God to correct the error in the chromosomes and give Max a healthy life with us. I pray for this but I also pray if this is the path for Max that he comes into this world with no pain, that he will be able to breathe on his own, that he will feel great comfort and love, that he will be strong enough to come home and spend time with us, that his heart will heal, that his kidney will heal, that his brain will tell him to; breathe, swallow, and live, that he will not need to be tube fed, that he will be able to smile and giggle, that he will be able recognize and feel our comfort and love for him....PLEASE ASK GOD ON MAX'S BEHALF that he will honor our requests and bring this special baby into the world if not healed than free from feeling pain and full for feeling love and comfort. 

Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on Knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened. 

You parents-if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.

JESUS~Matthew 7:7-11

Love,

Trish

The down times...

I meant to post after the ultra sound and doctors appointment last week, but it turned out to be the beginning of a long lasting low...I have been waiting for this dark cloud to move but it hasn't. I wanted to make sure all my posts were coming from someone who was leaning on God and who found joy and excitement through all the trials...but that's just not happening lately... I am leaning on God, but he has given us all this amazing spectrum of emotions that range anywhere from feeling on top of the world to feeling like your crawling along just to make it. And that's where I feel I am since last week, crawling along. Fighting through the day to make or find moments of peace and happiness cause right now those feelings are difficult for me to come by. I am SO grateful for my family and friends, my mom has been trying so hard to cheer me up, Dustin has been such a rock especially at night when for some reason it hits me the hardest, plus the emails from all of you really do give me some understanding, hope, and purpose. Its just lately, its been tough.

I don't know what I was expecting but the Doctors appointment last week was about the decisions we need to start thinking about, the birth plan we need to figure out. Decisions no expecting mom should have to decide or even think about. I feel Max and saw Max growing via the ultra sound and the love I have is growing so much as the days go on for my baby boy that I feel and tell God that I feel this is the cruelest reality...I hate the reality of this. Max is a very loved boy and I think like any mom... I don't want to give him to Jesus... I don't want to have to make choices about his passing or choices about trying to keep him alive after his birth that may cause him pain or be sad by all those thoughts cause he is very much ALIVE NOW! So this is my catch 22 right now...making choices that just break me to even think about and fighting for Max...for a miracle, for the pregnancy Max deserves, for a purpose that will make all this seem as an understood offering...for hope, happiness, joy, and peace I don't want Max to feel my anguish. I need him to feel the love I have for him in a joyful manner not a tear soaked pillow every night. So please pray that I will be able to impress that type of love on his very being and that I will find renewed strength to be able to walk this road. 

Thank you for reading; I know this may not be as hopeful and strong as the previous posts but I need to get it out and I desperately need the prayers of strength right now.

Love,

Trish

A prayer request

Thursday we have another ultra sound and I am very excited to see Max again. Last night he was all over the place he was kicking more than ever; thats how he has been in all the ultra sounds too, which means he's a fighter!! I keep thinking how amazing would it be to go to the ultra sound and baffle the doctors. His hands open, foot straightened, heart healed just everything healthy...so I keep hope in that miracle. But it's difficult so many families that have gone through this, such amazing families...I feel almost bad thinking I could receive such a miracle, the "who am I " card comes up but like I said before Max is already our miracle and I could and sometime will write the blessings of having him in our life cause I already feel and know some and have many more to come.

Tonight though my heart is aching for a family I started following just days after I found out about Max. You can find the link in the side bar under inspiration "An Unfinished Life". Leah the mother of Christian who passed from t18 just a short time ago is having a very difficult time right now with blame and I just want to lift her up in prayer that she finds peace and that Jesus would wrap his arms around her. I break with the thought of the loss but she is in it now and needs prayers from all over. So please don't forget to pray for her.

Thank you so much to everyone who has kept us in your prayers. I don't know how to express our gratitude, all I know is I don't know what we would do without the prayers, emails, and support of family and friends it means the world to us.

Love,

Trish

Previous E-mail

Hello everyone,

I want to start by thanking everyone for all your prayers, emails, and support it has been so comforting!

When we first heard the grim news about Max I was devasted I felt pure despair as there is nothing I could do to change the circumstances. I felt anger and the greatest saddness I have ever known, my heart just broke. I will say this though, when Dustin said the tests came back positive for trisomy 18 I felt God immediately tug on my heart and say he was there with me. Although I still felt the emotions and the helplessness, I also believe God's presence was real he let me go through my emotions but was there through it all. (2 Corinthians 1:3-6)

The next couple of days after that I questioned and kept questioning God, not feeling any response to any negging question that was torturing my mind. Why? For what possible reason? How could he do this? I also could not comprehend how I was to move on through this pregnancy. How could I find any joy in it? How could I possibly celebrate this life? I already love Max so much, and I don't even know how much time I will get with him or know if I want time with him? How can I stay strong enough to share this pregnancy with anyone?

So far I can't answer all of the questions above, I can't tell you if I ever will be able to answer some of them. I do know God has a plan and I find great comfort and hope in that. I also find through your prayers I have a great deal of peace which passes all understanding!! I also know I am going to find joy in this pregancy because he is my much wanted lil boy and I love him. I awoke this morning with a great deal of peace, I felt God's presence, I felt Bible versus on my heart, and I also felt Max kick. There was a great deal of joy and excitment this morning and I will rejoice in God for that.

I do believe and will continue to pray for a miracle and whether Max is healed completely or spends some time with us after he is born I know he will be a miracle, his life to me is already a miracle. He is always going to be our son and I find hope and comfort knowing that we will one day be with him forever.

Through God's grace I find peace, hope, and great deal of love for my son. And I know that Max's life as short as it may be has great purpose.

So please continue to pray for Dustin, Max, and myself. We thank God for the comfort everyone has shown us.

Love,
Trish and Dustin

(Phil 4:6) Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done.(Phil 4:7) Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guide your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

Miracle Max

I felt compelled as Max's mother to bring voice to my son's life, even at this moment his life continues to grow inside of me...he is alive and will be until Jesus comes to take him home. So to make mark of his life, to help heal and understand, to help cope, and to maybe help others, I dedicate this site to my son Maxson Linwood Hagen. I pray this site will honor my son and show that he has life; I also pray above all that Max's life will bring glory to God and that I may have a chance to witness the purpose God has placed on Max's life.

I want to explain where we are at as much for you as I do for us.......

Dustin and I have tried for a few years now to become parents we were able to accomplish this by using fertility last April we found out we were expecting...Maxson Linwood was wanted, desired, planned, dreamed of, longed for, and already loved even before some consider him to have a life. The beginning of the pregnancy was great I was sometimes gitty with excitement about the life that was continuing to grow inside of me. The name Maxson was decided if it was a boy, as my instinct led me to believe. I truly believed I had gone through the valley, as the fertility was very difficult but now I am learning that is not how God works.

In July I started counting down the weeks then days until the ultra sound, that in my mind would just let us know the sex. On August 3 at 19 weeks we excitedly had our ultra sound. Dustin stood next to me and my biggest worry was if they would be able to see what sex the baby was. We found out...no, actually we saw Max; we were so incredibly joyful and excited to have a son. The woman who was reading our ultra sound excused herself and we were left in the room for a while feeling so full of joy...now in hindsight I wish I could have paused that moment or choose to not go further. Minutes later the radiologist came in he was concerned about Max's kidney and wanted to look over all of his measurements again. I was definitely shaken...I was brought down hard from the excitement of the prior minutes. He looked over everything taking an extremely long time and I felt he was seeing more than he was telling. I would ask him questions and get vague answers. We ended up leaving the ultra sound waiting to find answers the following day at my doctors office.

Oh that day seemed to go by like a week I remember praying that his kidney wouldn't be a big deal and that he would be just fine. I was worried but at that moment I didn't have a clue to what could be at stake. The next day we met with my doctor who is just an incredible, tender-hearted Christian lady, she laid all of the possible situations out...they all seemed grim but one she touched on seemed unbearable and the actual thought put me over the edge, I couldn't speak or hold back the tears. The best situation we were left with is that he may just have a kidney problem the worst situation was a chromosomal problem like trisomy 13 or 18. I had never heard of those before but she informed us that generally there is just comfort care for both, which just that thought shattered me.

The next step we were to take is to see a paleontologist in Minneapolis and a genetic counselor. We had to wait a little less than a week. During that time I grew very optimistic the hope that God gave me was just what I needed I don't know if I could have waited all that time without hope. We had the level 2 ultra sound and found that Max did have a tetralogy of fallot and two cysts on his brain along with the original finding of his kidney, they also found that he had one clubbed foot and clenched fists. The doctor told me this looked like it could be trisomy 18 but then reassured me that the odds of that were less than 10 percent. I tried to not be fearful, to trust in my faith that God would be here and would protect my son. After this appointment they had us meet with a genetic counselor who was not as positive, she really didn't want to give us any hope. She didn't agree with the doctor's odds and my spirit battled to not think about the possibility they were presenting. I had an intense emotional battle going on but the hope was winning... I kept praying and God kept answering by giving me hope. We had an amnio and left to await preliminary results that we would receive the following day. I continued to feel growing hope and comfort. It was a sad time but the chance of the veil of sadness being lifted and Max being okay out weighed the sadness.

I believe God is our supplier, I believe he is our helper, and I believe God is our everything. About a half hour before we received the phone call God took away my hope and gave me intuition (Job 19:36)...I new that it wouldn't be what we had hoped for, I had a difficult time breathing I actually think before the call I was having a bit of a panic attack, at least as close to having one than I have ever been. Dustin took the call I was waiting in the car with my mom who had as mother's instinct goes instinctively felt God tell her to come with us to Minneapolis. When he got in the car and said the words positive with trisomy 18. My world, my heart, my everything crumbled. Dustin and my mom held me, it poured rain outside and through all this I heard God's voice more clearly than I had ever had in the past. Through the crumbling walls around me and emotional pain so deep I couldn't begin to describe it in words I felt God clearly say, "I am here". I heard him clearly but the thoughts I was dealing with and the emotions so raw that I just let sobs come and scattered thoughts carry my mind. We drove home then leaving Minneapolis at 3 pm and arriving home at 2 am. The drive was such a blur, I hadn't even begun to process what reality we were in.

Over the next few days the emails we received from friends and family were so comforting, I became obsessed with learning about trisomy 18 and reading stories of those who had been down this road or who were on it. I will try to post an email I sent out to those who were praying and who's email addresses we had. I wrote the email six days after we found out, it actually helped me a great deal to write it, I felt the holy spirit teaching me through my own writing. The morning that I wrote it I awoke feeling peace above all understanding (Philippians 4:7) and the presense of Jesus there comforting me...I know it was an answer to all those who had been lifting us up in prayer. I earnestly thank all who have, and who will continue to pray for us, you are our WARRIORS in a time of great prayer need!

Maxson is now a t18 baby and that may change how we look at the future. We are actually learning the true meaning of living today for today but it does not in any way, shape, or form take an ounce of love that we have for him away. It actually makes me relish in the small ways to love him all the more...taking prenatal vitamins has a whole new meaning I feel a great deal of love behind it each time I swallow them. His kicks... hearing his heartbeat, everything has taken on so much more meaning. I just hold my stomach in such a different way...I hold it now loving him now, before I would hold my stomach dreaming of the future and not taking joy in the very moment of holding my stomach...which now is holding my son Max. So at this moment I am 24 weeks pregnant with the cutest baby ever growing inside me, I may be a little biased but he is. I have days where I feel so peaceful, thankful, and joyful and then I have days where the sadness and pain is there no matter how I fight it. Hi's and low's I feel is my new path of feelings for a long time right now I am just learning and praying...it's all I can do.

We are walking this road God has given to us...trying to understand what God wants us to learn, I will share with you in the journey as much as possible because I do believe God knew Max, he knew his name before he was even knitted in my womb (Psalms 139:13-16). As his mother I want him to bring glory to God and I know God is going to teach us great wisdom and understanding by going down this road with him. Please always feel free to email us at crew4him@gmail.com, we have enjoyed and been comforted by all the emails we have received thus far. For anyone who doesn't know what trisomy 18 is please check out the following website it will give you an understanding of just what road we are walking.

www.trisomy18.org

thanks for all the continued prayers
love,
Trish