This morning we had to rush our dog Sady to the vet she was shaking and wouldn't walk. I stay pretty cool through "what if" situations, so I didn't stress much but it did cross my mind we could lose our dog. I went right to God with this; I just told him there was no way I could handle this on top of everything else...But, one thing I have had to come to understand or at least swallow is we don't have control over everything in our life, we don't know what our future holds, we don't know what hardships we will have to endure, or what joys will be coming our way. Yes, we all will lose someone we love, and yes we will have moments of joy but what brings about the two is entirely out of our control...very humbling and in the hardships, extremely frustrating.
So...Sady is okay she has to be confined or not allowed to move around much for about 3 weeks. She was prescribed some pretty good painkillers and muscle relaxers so she's feeling pretty good. I felt bad about kenneling her all the time so we put a pillow in a laundry basket and carry her around so she doesn't have to be alone, she looks like a queen! So that's that....I mean for today! Because one thing I know is we are not saved from nightmares, we may be saved from hell, but while we are here in an imperfect, sinful world we are going to have nightmares; we are going to experience all kinds of pain.
I have had a lot of people tell me that Dustin and I don't deserve this; I will say that was very difficult for me to get over, I thought the struggle with fertility was our great tribulation and trial. There was a crazy amount of prayer around this baby before he was even conceived. I can't express how much Max was and is wanted; so as human as I am it never even crossed my mind that God would allow anything bad to happen to this child. And I felt Dustin and I had been seeking for God and for his will in our lives...I guess I am trying to say I felt like we were somewhat saved from bad things at least something like what is happening now. We did speak to the pastor of our church and he brought up a thought I have had to chew on for some time now. People say why do bad things happen to good people, but really why do good things happen to bad people? All of us, everyone is born bad, born sinful. The degrees in this vary much, I know, but NO ONE is good we may do good deeds but we are not pure, blameless, sinless...So why does any one of us deserve the blessings we do have, what makes us more worthy than the next to receive the good things in our lives? This question is now in my arsenal of questions for Jesus someday.... But now I believe this; no one is saved from nightmares, God is there to help and comfort us but not to save us from pain. Max having t18 to us and to all of you is a horrible nightmare it's heartbreaking and in moments seems so unfair, however I have to understand there is another side we don't understand. Because in God's view Max is going to be held and loved and comforted by Jesus, I can't imagine who else could raise a boy better than Jesus. Not only will he have Jesus to raise him he will never have to feel the pain we do....he WILL BE SAVED from nightmares!!!
I just wanted to share a bit of what I have been thinking, praying, and seeking understanding over...hopefully I will continue to have more understanding about God's plan for Max. I want to find peace about the plan he has for our son, I want to get past the why God.