The down times...

I meant to post after the ultra sound and doctors appointment last week, but it turned out to be the beginning of a long lasting low...I have been waiting for this dark cloud to move but it hasn't. I wanted to make sure all my posts were coming from someone who was leaning on God and who found joy and excitement through all the trials...but that's just not happening lately... I am leaning on God, but he has given us all this amazing spectrum of emotions that range anywhere from feeling on top of the world to feeling like your crawling along just to make it. And that's where I feel I am since last week, crawling along. Fighting through the day to make or find moments of peace and happiness cause right now those feelings are difficult for me to come by. I am SO grateful for my family and friends, my mom has been trying so hard to cheer me up, Dustin has been such a rock especially at night when for some reason it hits me the hardest, plus the emails from all of you really do give me some understanding, hope, and purpose. Its just lately, its been tough.

I don't know what I was expecting but the Doctors appointment last week was about the decisions we need to start thinking about, the birth plan we need to figure out. Decisions no expecting mom should have to decide or even think about. I feel Max and saw Max growing via the ultra sound and the love I have is growing so much as the days go on for my baby boy that I feel and tell God that I feel this is the cruelest reality...I hate the reality of this. Max is a very loved boy and I think like any mom... I don't want to give him to Jesus... I don't want to have to make choices about his passing or choices about trying to keep him alive after his birth that may cause him pain or be sad by all those thoughts cause he is very much ALIVE NOW! So this is my catch 22 right now...making choices that just break me to even think about and fighting for Max...for a miracle, for the pregnancy Max deserves, for a purpose that will make all this seem as an understood offering...for hope, happiness, joy, and peace I don't want Max to feel my anguish. I need him to feel the love I have for him in a joyful manner not a tear soaked pillow every night. So please pray that I will be able to impress that type of love on his very being and that I will find renewed strength to be able to walk this road. 

Thank you for reading; I know this may not be as hopeful and strong as the previous posts but I need to get it out and I desperately need the prayers of strength right now.



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