I don't know what I was expecting but the Doctors appointment last week was about the decisions we need to start thinking about, the birth plan we need to figure out. Decisions no expecting mom should have to decide or even think about. I feel Max and saw Max growing via the ultra sound and the love I have is growing so much as the days go on for my baby boy that I feel and tell God that I feel this is the cruelest reality...I hate the reality of this. Max is a very loved boy and I think like any mom... I don't want to give him to Jesus... I don't want to have to make choices about his passing or choices about trying to keep him alive after his birth that may cause him pain or be sad by all those thoughts cause he is very much ALIVE NOW! So this is my catch 22 right now...making choices that just break me to even think about and fighting for Max...for a miracle, for the pregnancy Max deserves, for a purpose that will make all this seem as an understood offering...for hope, happiness, joy, and peace I don't want Max to feel my anguish. I need him to feel the love I have for him in a joyful manner not a tear soaked pillow every night. So please pray that I will be able to impress that type of love on his very being and that I will find renewed strength to be able to walk this road.
Thank you for reading; I know this may not be as hopeful and strong as the previous posts but I need to get it out and I desperately need the prayers of strength right now.