Tomorrow we will have only a month to go until we bring Maxson into this world. With so many unknowns of what that day will hold I am trying my best to enjoy every moment with him now. His kicks, and the different ways I can love on him now...I play his bunny quite a bit and hold my stomach thinking he can feel that he is held. I talk to him and eat yummy treats that I hope he can taste! Obviously I feel limited on the ways I can mother him now. I do have that nesting feeling but preparing like everything is normal is just too difficult so I am crocheting a blanket (I taught myself to crochet a couple months ago). I am trying to remember I can be sad later and that now I just want to really take in his presence in my life.
Dustin has been a really terrific Dad. Every night he waits to feel Max kick; he is so proud of his son I can tell by the way he talks about him.
I read this article on MSNBC health network today that talked about families who find out that their child is terminally ill in utero. I found it alarming that only 10 to 15 percent of families decide to continue the pregnancy after learning of such a diagnosis. The article then stated some reasons why a parent wouldn't want to continue the pregnancy. They stated that some believe that parents that continue a pregnancy are only delaying grief and thus just adding more torture. Others felt that by continuing the pregnancy it was bringing more suffering to the baby. The article also stated these reasons for continuing: religious reasons and wanting to meet baby.
Well, I do want to meet Max, I want to love on him as long as God gives me. I found it crazy that the percent of parents who end the pregnancy was as high as it was, honestly when I first found out about Max I didn't understand how I was going to make it through, it seemed impossible to go another 20 weeks with the understanding my son would die. I have always believed only God has the right to give and end life but this road definitely tested my beliefs. Now I thank God everyday for the day he has given me with my son. I pray that he doesn't allow Max to suffer. And now I also feel blessed beyond measure that God has given us this baby, even with all the pain this has brought there is also so much love and joy that I have never felt before. I am not torturing my self by continuing Max's life and I am not just adding more suffering to his life. I am just trying to be the person God intended me to be, a mother who loves and comforts her son.
We are choosing to only give Max comfort care, meaning the only medical measures we will take is to keep him as pain free and comfortable as possible. Thus far the medical field has guided us on the prognosis of such a diagnosis, they have led us to make some of the decisions we have made. We know that extreme medical measures in a baby with t18 will only add suffering and that the babies. So we won't do anything that adds suffering to his life and that would be in vain, however, if Max shows signs that he is strong enough we may change are minds.
So far we know this.... We know that we want Max to be as comforted as possible. We also know we want to make as many memories here on earth with our son as God allows.