Miles of Separation

We finally got word about the orphanage our little one is at and we also received an updated picture of her.

Good news? Yes and no.

She is very very thin and has recently been very ill. The orphanage she is at is very poor and the children have little food and no nets (malaria) or beds. 

She sleeps on a cold, wet dirt floor! My heart breaks having to type that. What can I do? I desperately want to go and rescue her, I want to take away any hunger pains, I want to kiss her and hold her close. 

These miles of separation could not be more harsh today! 

We do have a true advocate on the ground in Kinshasa right now. She has made numerous trips over and has truly been a God send to so many orphans. She leaves her family behind and takes the journey over to do what she can to make life better for these sweet children. She has had her share of loss, losing several children she was waiting to adopt. It is so senseless that these babies are dying when we have every opportunity to help. Children shouldn't die of hunger. They shouldn't die of malaria. 

We can help her! 

I am asking you please! please! Help us raise support to buy beds, nets, and other life saving items for these children!!

Any amount will go directly to aid these sweet children. I am asking not just for my little one who needs a bed and nourishment so badly but all the little ones who don't have a voice. Lets do what we can!

http://www.gofundme.com/249llc

Use the link above and do what you can. Five, ten, twenty, or more, whatever you give is going to save the lives of the most innocent. 

Above is the most recent picture she is so thin.

Above is our referral picture.

I have signed a contract not to use her face, but I pray and my hope is to show you her beautiful face in our arms soon!! 

Hope

I would have posted we have a referral a while back but after losing our first I feel like it is such a delicate hope. We can't help ourselves to fall in love with this sweet little girl. We can't help but imagine her in our family. We can't help but to imagine loving on her and enjoying the blessing of a little girl. Truth is we go there a lot, and it is but a delicate hope that she is indeed ours!

The hope we do rest in is that God is faithful and this journey even thus far has produced so much good. We have been transformed to have different goals, dreams, and desires. In no way am I wanting to guilt others who are on different roads, this is just our path.  God has allowed this journey to shape us into people who find great excitement and joy in plans we would not have thought of by our own accord.

What was once just a way to grow our family has changed our hearts into how do we change the world. And by changing the world I mean loving in any way possible to those who need love the most.

So I am excited to say we have hope of bringing a sweet little girl home. Timeline is so up in the air with immigration changes. Please pray for our little girl and all orphans who don't have a voice.

 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Waiting

After just touching on that we lost our kids in the last post I thought I better explain.

We found out a week before Thanksgiving that relatives of the children had hired a court inspector to locate the children when they found that the mother was without them. And although no one is taking them out of the orphanage we were advised to not continue to court. If we continued we would likely lose in court anyway.

I was totally surprised being new and all to the international adoption world.

So now what.

Well if it would have happened any later we would have been out some money but now our money just gets transferred to a new adoption. However, we are in the DRC, Africa now, that is where our money is tied up. Which in some way I am grateful that I am locked in and don't have to make that decision.

This took me a while to post. For one I am really tired of being the bearer of bad news. Two, I am tired of people saying "I'm sorry". I have been on my knees crying out for God to lead me in the direction HE desires. And that is exactly why I am here.

Waiting.

Trying to make sense of the loss I can only be straight with one thing...God is sovereign. So...I will say for whatever reason we are here, waiting.

Antonio and Regina did push me down the path...actually taking the long and difficult steps to start the adoption process. I can be thankful for their sweet faces in my life for the simple fact that we started this road. Who knows maybe without them I would still be doing nothing out of fear of the unknown.

We have decided to wait for a baby. Could be tomorrow or months from now when we receive word. We are the only ones on the list with our agency from this country. We have no preference of boy or girl or twins. I find myself often praying for our child that I know God already knows. Very similar to a pregnancy, when before that 20 week ultra sound you are so in the dark. And for us is a time to truly rely on God for our strength and place to rest all our fears, doubts, and anxieties.

We were very sad about losing two children that we felt belonged in our family. I try to remind myself that they must have family that cares...it's tough to do.

We will continue to pray and support them in different ways. And who knows maybe we will meet them someday. I know they will never be forgotten from our hearts!

Four Years AGO/OLD

Today will never go unnoticed in my world. In fact even the mention of the 5th of any month brings an instant reminder of today four years ago.

Time passes and with relation to the day we brought Maxson into and out of this world, time... has frozen. I would never believe it has been four years ago. In other ways much has filled our time, and it seems we have completed and done more then what is possible to fit in four years.

This sweet day four years ago I was blessed to kiss and hold, and to see my little boy. That day was amazing for so many reasons and oh so difficult too. Nothing is harder.

If someone offered me a different road would I take it...No. Nothing is harder but nothing else could take the place of what I have gained. I have this love for a child that I am certain beyond a shadow of doubt is in Heaven. Although mixed with pain here it is something I would never trade.

This year we let a balloon go and watched it disappear, trying to connect the balloon with Max in Heaven and the balloon was going to Heaven, for Eli of course ;)  I spent the day telling Elijah about his brother. Reminding him again and again it was Max's birthday...again and again, every time I asked he would say Eli's birthday. you could say we are working on a lot of things related to 'mine'.

I have had some major ups and downs this last four years. The road of grief was also filled with disappointments and setbacks. We have also recently had a hard road as we started this adoption, fell in love with two children and lost them in a matter of months. With all of this I have had my share of doubting God's love for me...not that everyone doesn't struggle with this but it has been a major struggle for me. I don't doubt God's sovereignty, I just wonder how he can love me. Anyway all that said to say this...

Here is the story.

Four years ago I gained and lost a son, with that I had to learn to live life without my son. God did bless me with Maxson and he also blessed me with a friendship.

Hannah found my blog ...I am not sure how. She contacted me by email shortly after Maxson passed and offered to draw a picture of him. After we exchanged several emails, I felt connected to Hannah, as simple as that. Over the past four years our friendship has continued to grow we often speak on the phone weekly and she is the first person I think of to pray with me. We have never met face to face, well if you count skype I take that back. Hannah and her family are so dear to me. I feel like we have been friends for years. It feels strange to think we have never been in the same state, let alone the same place. Our friendship has been built on shared love for our Savior and the struggles we deal with and those wonderful moments of joy. She has been one of the bigger miracles I can attest to from Maxson's life. So without knowing my recent thoughts she sent me this today...

• And now for what I was wanting to share:
  (song #15 on the last cd I sent you)

  "It is for this reason I I bow my knees, before the Father of the Lord Jesus Christ, for Whom the whole family on heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might through His spirit in your inner man, that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith, that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints, what is the width, and the length, and the depth, and the height, to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge, that you may be filled with the fullness of God. Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundant above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen."

  i just love this worship song because I can't ever listen to it without feeling the need to be on my face before God while I try to understand how deep His affection and love for us runs. You know, I feel like about 98% of the time, I'm kind of bumbling along, trying to understand, and then about 2% of the time, I start to understand. I guess last night was one of those times, and I realize how much His love is the only thing on earth that can ground us, and give us deep roots that keep us from being tossed around in this life. When I was listening to the first part of the song last night, I felt like the Lord was showing me a picture of you- you were completely enveloped by Him, and I felt like He was (and wants you to know) He is washing you with His affections, from the inside out. And that all of these hard things you are having to walk through- He is causing your roots to go deeper, and I just feel Him being so tender and loving with you and your heart, and that He is so proud of you. These things cause deep, deep roots, that will never be shaken, and oh, what a privilege it is to be one whom the Lord sets deep roots down in. Thats what I felt God impressing upon me last night, for you 

  I just want you to know that I am praying this song for your heart, for Dustin's heart, for my heart, for our children's hearts. "That we your church, Father, would be rooted and grounded in the Heart of your Son. That we would be firmly rooted in the love of Your Son, Jesus. Oh, that we would be rooted and grounded in Your love, established firmly in your love. That we would feel and know the affections of Jesus, we would know and believe the love God has for us. That we would experience Your heart."

  
  
She has often reminded me of just what i needed to be reminded of. So this is why I shared this...

God's love is infinate. It is not explained or expressed by life turning out a certain way or by life being easy.

It is not altered by anything we do or don't do. He loves us. He loves Maxson. 

Sometimes it is just getting back to the basics "Jesus loves me"!!!

After all Christ died because HE FIRST LOVED US!

Here is a song that always brings me to tears the deep ones that I am sure come from my soul.

HOW HE LOVES 

Happy Birthday to a boy who keeps on teaching his mama! What a blessing it is to be called your mom.

 

And We Grow

Over the past year we have been looking forward to growing our family. We thought we had long did away with trying out 'our plans' but again found ourselves trying to plan it out just so. We both agreed we wanted to have one more biological child and then adopt maybe when we were closer to our mid 30s. He he

 This past spring we started pursuing fertility treatments. 

 First time worked; but we quickly miscarried. 

 We continued to try fertility treatments. 

 I didn't get horribly down or even stomp my feet, not saying this as a pat on my back but rather that I felt God was leading. 

 The last time we tried we decided to also have a consultation with an adoption agency. After which we both felt more secure about our desire to adopt internationally. While waiting to see if the treatment worked (if I was pregnant) I looked over the Internet at countries and different possibilities. I stumbled on a site with waiting children and one little boy caught my attention. I emailed to just learn more about him. He was from the DRC, Africa and he was approximately 2 years old. Later when Dustin and I talked we counted him out. We both agreed we wanted to keep birth order. 

 The days ahead I could not get that little boy out of my head. I would lay awake and think of reason after reason why he wasn't right for us. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I started praying for his possible place in our family. I asked Dustin to do the same. After some time we both agreed we felt lead to welcome him to our family. It's a scary thing so we continued to pray if it wasn't God's will to close the door. 

 However, doors just kept opening and not just opening but swinging wide. We had all of our doubts about bringing him into our family erased. The steps to get where we needed to be went smooth and much faster than anticipated. He started to grow in both our hearts and we now are truly excited for his arrival. Antonio is his given name and I would love to share pictures but we did sign a contract to not share his picture online until he is home with us. 

There was a turn of events that I am still swallowing and making sense of. Antonio has a sister who is approximately 6 years old. I was under the impression that another family was interested in her and so it didn't enter my brain until three weeks ago. 

 Last week we also signed for Regina. 

 We believe it is God's will to keep siblings together if possible. We also believe God has equipped us with love, patience, and a growing desire to take care of orphans. This is what that looks like for us. 

 I can just imagine your questions and how crazy we may seem. Trust me I think the same thing. I just know we both feel this is God's call and we both are in this together. 

 We have gone through some training and will continue to do so. We have had at length discussions about how this can/will effect Elijah. I will write more about both in later posts. We understand the major, major coming shift to our lives. We are asking that though you may not understand or may think we are quite crazy (we are) that you still will support us in prayer and in thoughts. It will not be easy and we are preparing our hearts and home for the coming journey. 

 I am not against any questions you may have so feel free to ask by email or call:) 

 If you would like to know of some ways to support us please read below. 

 1. Please pray. Pray for Antonio and Regina. Their safety but also that their hearts would be prepared. For Elijah that his heart would also be prepared. That Dustin and I will have strength, discernment, and peace. In all that you feel led to say -pray. 

 2. The children are coming from a third world country. We would love if you would like to learn more about the DRC. Click here for more info on the country. 

 When we first started the journey I had some nights of grief and fear below is part of a Psalm given to me by a friend. These words mean so much to me. These words will now for us always be Antonio's and Regina's. 

 Psalm 40:1-8 
 I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. 

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. 

3 He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him. 

 4 Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.

5 Many, Lord my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare. 

 6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire— but my ears you have opened burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require. 

7 Then I said, “Here I am, I have come— it is written about me in the scroll.
8 I desire to do your will, my God; your law is within my heart.” 

 With Love, Trish and Dustin  

3 years

still alive. and today celebrating Maxson's life, 3rd birthday...it's hard to believe and yet it seems like forever ago i held him and had to let him go. with Max's busy lil bro Eli we didn't do too much today not to add that it was frigidly cold here. my mom asked today how the pain was, and honestly it is not as physically painful. so i guess you could say time has healed, however, Maxson's hold on my heart and his physical absence from my life here combine to add a weight on my soul that will never fade. which by no means am i saying poor me, actually i am extremely thankful for being able to feel. he is still real all i have to do is think about him and my heart grows with heaviness and yearning and love! if i didn't have that i would be so lost.

i do realize this is my first post since forever ago so i will say not much has changed besides an obvious care for capital letters, a kitchen that has been renovated, a mom and dad that ran a 5k (kind of a big deal i had to train for it, not a runner), our thirst for our Savior (increased), and a baby that did what babies do and grew...a lot. and on that note Eli is amazing he steals my heart and adds so much joy that i feel guilty feeling that much joy at times. he has such a gentle spirit to him and he just loves on everyone around him. at the moment he is just figuring out this tantrum thing but you know i think his tantrums are good, they make me realize he is not perfect:) anyway enough gloating i will add some pics at the end.

dust and i did say today we need to make this day come alive to Eli next year. i want Eli to love his brother and know he has a brother eagerly waiting for him. granted i pray daily as his parents we get to meet up with Maxson first;)

i have had two friends lose babies this year one to sids, one to t18, both first borns...it was tough to realize going through losing did not give me power to take away any of their pain or even know what to say. i realized early on all i can do is pray for them...so if you would be so kind as to lift them up when you feel led. they are both expecting again, found out about both of them just this past week. best news ever! God is good.

baby fever here is running on high but the entire process of fertility sounds like it has to wait...i know we will adopt someday i just don't think we are there yet.

so all over the place...i apologize for the absence it just felt like it needed to be done. this blog will always be but what it will be i don't know. i will always write on Maxson's birthday and maybe i will feel led to write more. writing is not my gifting so for a while it was my outlet and my counsel. but for those who prayed and supported us thank you so much and i am always up for emails.

to my first born, Maxson, my message to you today is this, we love you today like we loved you yesterday. you will always be my first, you will always be my son. i feel your absence here but i also cherish the fact you are in heaven. i can't wait for the day to hold you in my arms again and until then i hope my love is impressed upon your spirit. happy birthday Max. i love you!

5 months

I remember all to well back after we lost Max how much each milestone month hurt...it was just an extra day to make me realize even more what we were missing. Well now there is much joy in milestone months, Mr. Eli is in his fifth month of life and growing leaps and bounds.




I was a little concerned he would never care to move but that is all forgotten as of Valentines Day he rolled over, since then the child is on the move. He rolls from one area of the room to another. Eli is trying desperately to crawl with no avail, but now after seeing how it just takes one day and boom their moving I just know he will conquer crawling as well. In other Eli news he has a new soothing technique in which he sings himself to sleep. It's just a ahhh ahhh ahhh...real soft and pretty, and much better than crying. He is so much more content than even a month ago and everyday he is content longer. He is beginning to eat and I think he really likes peas, at least much more than rice cereal. We are enjoying every minute and I wish it would slow down, all these stages are going by way too fast. I already want that newborn stage back.

As far as Dust and I, life is moving this old house is shaping up, we have a desire to adopt still, and a desire to maybe have one more with fertility treatments. We are trying to put our financial house in order so that when the time comes we have the means to adopt from Haiti. We also are feeling hard pressed to grow in our relationship with the Lord, which is something we have to continually seek as we both find busyness is the biggest wedge in that.

I am still working at the church and hoping to keep that job forever I really love it, I just have to get through the difficult years of balancing work and babies. Sometimes I wish I could pause the job and come back to it after the baby years, but I am not willing to let it go so I will just do a balancing act. I think once we do daycare it will become much easier. Okay, sorry about the babbling.

On a whole different note I was talking to my sister this week who is in a Beth Moore study and through this study she feels that back when we went through the time of Maxson here, she didn't pray enough for God to reveal his purpose or for me to rise up and see the purpose. She said now she sees that we as a family should of spent more time covering the whole situation in prayer and prayer not for just healing or time or peace, but prayer for our eyes to be opened to God's purpose through Max. She also shared she hopes that I keep my heart open that God's plan with that in my life may not be completed, that she hopes I continually pray and seek God's purpose of Max's life. With all that said, I really have it on my heart to adopt from Haiti, I believe whole heatedly that I would not have a desire to adopt without Max. Do I think that's God's purpose in Max's life? No, at least not entirely. It may be part of a work done in me through going through that with Max though. We lost Max and there was/is many reasons I will never know for that, but I know I will seek God's purpose in my life because of it. Alright that doesn't make sense when I read it back or it doesn't convey what I am trying to say. Hmmm...let me try again. God has wonderful things planned for my family but some of those wonderful things are a direct result of losing Maxson. I would not be the person I am today and because of that my journey in this life is altered, I believe it has God's provision written all over it, as long as I seek Him. Amen!! I hope that makes some sense, it's some deep stuff to explain and I don't even know if I did, well that's all for now.

with love,
Trish

Re-design

So I figure the new look deems a post. It's been up awhile with no mention. I really had a difficult time even changing it but with the expiration of the design template it was looking a bit unkempt. For some reason changing the look was like closing a chapter of my life. It sunk deep for the first time that now is a new chapter...title of this one, hmm. I don't know. Maybe it can be happily ever after or something, jk.

I have never been someone who can't clean house, usually I am at the salvation army twice, three times a year. But man when you lose someone you want to hold on to everything that has any significance to the memory of that loved one. I finally about a month ago went through Max's tubs and narrowed it down to one tub. Finally I was able to throw boxes that gifts for Max came in and I donated the clothes I had purchased for him.

Then the blog. I wanted to keep the title because now with Eli in my life I see even more the "miracle of max" it's just as the tag line says, presently my miracle of Max is in Heaven and Eli is our miracle here.

The day Eli was born my eyes were opened to how amazingly merciful God is/was. Both Max and Eli were c-section babes, what I didn't know when I had Max was how long the whole c-section really is. From the moment they took Max out of me until the moment he was in my arms and we were leaving the room seemed like minutes when in reality it was much, much longer. Watching the video last year on Max's 1st birthday I realized the time between getting him to breathe was so long that I can't believe I didn't doubt that Max would breath. Anyway, what I am saying is God's grace was with me. He allowed time to bend when and where it should the day Max was born. Another great gift was Max's eyes, they were wide open right away and they stayed fairly open up until his last breath. I never saw Eli's eyes the first day, I barely saw them the second day. I contribute this fact fully to God's grace. The day Max was born I was up the entire day with the energy to do so. I was able to truly treasure my time with him he spirit left me only hours after his birth but I kept his physical body with me until the evening to just try to take in and treasure. The day Eli was born I couldn't keep my eyes open at some point after his birth I fell asleep. Just another way prayers were answered.

So the miracle there is a beautiful, fully healed baby boy, Maxson who I trust will have open arms for his mommy some day. And the miracle here is this beautiful gift that I have the perpetual blessing to watch grow. I will be able to share all the love I have with Eli for his brother Max. I will be able to have my family restored someday! I will be able kiss Max's cheeks all the time, just like I kiss his brothers. That was my inspiration to this simple design.

To wrap this up now. First, this makes 2 posts in one month not bad. Two, guess who is four months and just a great storyteller. Giggles, sits, and who I believe will never have an interest in rolling. He just wants to crawl.

Resolutions!!

Well ready or not a new year begins! We spent the new year finishing up Christmases, anymore it seems everyone has a few Christmas celebrations. In my heart though I was focusing on all the new things and 'resolutions' I wanted to implement into my life including writing more! At least once a week, if not even more, I think of something I want to write about, whether or not it's interesting enough to read about I don't know. But if I put something on myself like I have to write once a week or something I know I will fail miserably so I will just say this: I will write more! That's it -MORE.

Rewind, because it has been awhile and I have a sleeping baby right now:)

Eli~ he has been such a blessing to us, one that I am daily thanking God for. While I believe I had that baby in the 20% category for colic, he matched all of the criteria, crying for 3 or more hrs 5 days a wk or more -check. He is on the up swing though
-I can only pray:) Given that, Eli still is mighty generous with his smiles, and I can see a sweet lil boy over that temper of his.

We started off Eli's days here with us with a lil scare, his dr. diagnosed him with a dual ear infection and warned us to the extreme, which left me leaving the docs office in tears. She said to watch him closely and if he wasn't acting himself to bring him to the ER just in case the infection went to his blood or his brain...yeah, not cool. Not acting himself, he was but 2 wks old we didn't know who the normal Eli was, we were freaked out and of course we know that dr. warnings come true...it felt just like leaving doctor T's office after her telling me my ultra sound wasn't normal and going through the list of what it could be...and sending me out the door with no official answers. Anyway we made it through that time, and we did have a little happier baby, we still had a baby that would let us hear how healthy his lungs were 3 or more hours a day. Usually he cried (cries) in the evening and usually with bouts of blood curdling screams... ahhh, now those nights are few, still happen but few -thank you Jesus! Many nights I spent telling God how grateful I was in the midst of taking my 15 minute turn attempting to soothe lil man.

Eli is now 3 months and counting and he is always amazing me that he is ours and he is growing at lightening speed. I have always been on the smaller side, so given that I figured I would have a smaller baby, but Eli entered this world surprising everyone in my family at 8lbs 4oz and continues to grow off the charts!! Newborn clothes only the fist week, 0-3 month clothes only the first month, and now he comfortably wears 6 month clothes. I am a little sad about this. He needs to slow down. For the sake of my back and bouncing him, he needs to slow down.

He loves his baths, he loves bouncing and he loves to hold his hands in a prayer like manner. He is still breast feeding even though he has a mom who is so back forth with loving and hating it she seems a crazy!! To soothe Eli he requires a blanket touching his face and his body pressed flat against mine. He likes to hear his dad hum and I like to think he likes to watch me dance:) He has chubby cheeks that feel so good on the lips and little baby fat rolls like a 6 month old. He is most happy in someone's arms and takes a lot of time to take in his surroundings. He is not a fan of the car seat, but a lover of the car in motion. Before he cries he usually gives us a warning, sticking out his bottom lip and keeping it there for a few seconds, this face melts my heart and believe I may cave into his wants for the rest of his life if he keeps that face. He is starting to notice new faces, being that new. He is also starting to want to roll, just no coordination to do so. He sits, smiles, stands with help, and laughs I mean attempts to laugh. Elijah just steals our heart daily and it hits home on a daily basis what we are missing out on with Maxson, that hurts. Christmas a new year, all of these firsts for Eli make the place in my heart for Max just ache for him. Sure there is joy... but it's just there, that part of my heart.

Did I mention I have a thumb sucker. I walked away just a moment ago to soothe Eli and he didn't want the nuk he wanted his thumb. Harder to break but at least I can stop the search for the mysterious disappearing nuk. I will leave you evidence of all that I explained. And like I said I will write more!



Thumb Sucker!!

Praying Hands!


Smiles!


The Big Lip!

Happy 2nd Birthday Maxson!

Not easier. I have wanted to post before this day so I could share in all the ways Eli has brought so much joy back into our lives but today will probably not be the day I feel like sharing that. I am sad.

A two year old that fact alone just hurts. Many times since Eli has been born I have had teary eyed moments longing or feeling guilty about not sharing in the same experiences with Max. My boy Max still has his own unique part of my heart that longs wants and desires Max. But that is why I will hold tight to the day when I know I will be reunited with my baby and be able to celebrate his birth and homecoming with him.

Well two years Max... you have not spent a day apart from us with us not feeling your absence. You often on occasion bring a smile to my face and tears because of the enormous love I feel for you. Your brother I believe resembles you so much granted he is a lil heavy weight. I know he will be so proud to talk about you someday. We are proud to call you are son and Eli will be happy to call you his brother. This time of the year your stalking goes up your ornament goes on the tree and we remember a part of our life that still is very much alive in our hearts. I love you and my prayer today is even though life and death here separate us I hope you feel the love my heart sends your way. love you, mom and dad

Elijah Mathias

He is here!!

September 30 at 7:41am Max's little bro entered the world with a loud, healthy set of lungs wail -one of the best most moving sounds I have ever heard.

We are so excited and in love with him, my heart feels like it wants to burst. He is doing wonderful at eating, sleeping, and all the other stuff he's supposed to be doing at day 4. I am going to share a few pics with you and plan on posting some more later this week when we let some professionals take over and get some pics. I also have so much to share on that day and how Max's life was so remembered and God's grace then and now was revealed to us. It was such an amazing experience, all of it!

So for now introducing Elijah Mathias Hagen... he entered weighing 8lbs 4ozs and 21 inches long.

Ticking Down part 2

My dinner was deciding to come back up tonight, nothing new but I just decided to get up rather than throw up. It was a pretty easy choice. The idea of no heart burn soon is so awesome. So I floated the internet and decided to blog because now we are on the real countdown. Friday, October 1 at noon Eli will be here via c-section or he may arrive on his own in the next week. We are so so so so excited to see, kiss, hold him. Tomorrow is my last day of work for awhile and with my house almost in order we are just waiting. Eli is still kicking away, he does steal the most active baby from his brother.

We finished his nursery thanks to Dustin and my dad. We started back in July tearing down wall paper. And I have had some back breaking days involved in the nursery too, not in comparison to the guys but hey pretty good for a pregnant girl. Anyway, I had stored away some of Max's things that I decided to bring out and share with his brother. That is saying a lot, I can remember a time when I cried my way through packing it all up into tubs vowing no other child will touch this stuff. So I think I have come a ways. Not to say I didn't well up going through the tubs. Maxson still holds a piece of my heart physically and although it hurts I treasure the weight of my love for him. So now Eli will share the blanket I made for Max and the bunny I played for Maxson so many nights. And I feel so good about it. Eli will love and look forward to meeting his big brother, I just know it.

So we have about a week and I am sure ready. Dust and I have been talking about how crazy that in the next week we won't run the show anymore. Six years now we are both more than okay with letting the reigns go. Dustin is going to be great dad, one of the best. And while I know we will mess up our fare share I think we will do okay. Elijah is going to be in for some passionate parents some that will hopefully raise him with a perfect mixture of yeses and nos, kisses and firm holds, teaching and let living. We will give it our all Eli, thats all I can say. And please don't fault us to much for our mistakes I'm sure we'll make, there is no manual coming with you!!

Now I may try laying down again my food might be digested enough to lay at a 45 degree angle. I will leave you with Elijah's Nursery. I can't wait to introduce him to you.

Ticking Down

It's a funny thing, when I was pregnant with Maxson around this time I was content. I don't remember getting to the end of the day and wanting the day of his birth to come. I truly lived in the moment and cherished it. I wish that would have been a forever implanted skill/lesson. But no. I dream of the day of Eli's birth and all the moments to come, and at certain small moments, when he is kicking just so I live in the now, ever so content just not ever so often.

The whole idea of leaving the hospital with a baby has through out this pregnancy seemed surreal. This weekend we finished Eli's baby's room, well almost. And honestly I can say that the thought of him sleeping in this nursery is surreal. All of these unbelievable experiences to come, God willing, seem so far fetched to me, not that I am fearful, I am just so in awe of what a blessing it will be. Truly Max was such an amazing blessing but on that road was so much pain and the planning wasn't for a baby's room it was for a funeral and the possible use of hospice. This is just so different and I think because Max was the first born and that's the only way we've done it... ahh I am getting lost here for words, I just pinch myself... a lot.

With the clock ticking down now...oh so slowly (remember I am not doing a great job of living in the moment) the dday for Eli is October 4th by c-section, unless he decides to come early then I will try a vbac. So seven weeks to go, in just one of the hottest summers ever! But hey, physically I can't complain, I have the heartburn under control and I still don't have cankles (spelling?) anyway, overall we are doing great. No I up that, we are doing wonderful, Dustin and I can't wait for the summer to go and to be holding Eli. I really think the title to this post maybe should wait till 3 weeks out. That sounds like a better number to start counting down from than 7 weeks out. Well whatever, 7 weeks and counting. I will have to share some baby room pics later it is way past my bedtime.


with love,
Trish

Happy Independence Day!!

Just wanted to put a note out there to all, wishing everyone a happy 4th. Dust and I are doing well. Actually we are doing great. We are almost done with laying a new driveway about the size of a basketball court, scary! And Eli is growing and kicking and we are so anticipating his arrival, tentative c-section date Oct 4 or 5th.

I can't tell you how blessed I feel to feel him kick and to just appreciate the thoughts of his life being part of ours. So amazing. There has been moments of bitter sweetness, randomly his kicks bring on longing for Max. And there has been times when all the different memories come back good and bad that just make me feel pure longing for him. But all in all I feel so joyful. And Maxson is brought up so often now. It feels good. I feel bad for the random stranger that asks when I am due?... is this my first?... oh how old is our first?...well, I can't lie about him. I can now guarantee that when a stranger opens there mouth and asks when I am due the path the conversation will take. Then I always end up saying no, no need to be sorry, I'm okay and ending with a big smile. I don't even feel awkward anymore responding he has passed. Which is all good and healthy to be in that place. I love being able to talk about Eli's big brother and think about Max having a brother.


I will leave you with a couple pics. Again Happy 4th!

Love of Jesus's Girls Home

I realized in my last post I didn't update the stats of the Haitian girls, Jesumine and Marie France. We did find out a while ago that we will not be taking them in. Unfortunately our government was the stopper not the Haitian government, funny huh? Apparently our country doesn't want to open the floodgates of Haitian orphans...cause this would be something we never do...???? I don't get it, we were trying for a Humanitarian Visa which is what many other countries have had no problem using in times of war or crisis. Anyway, I prayed for God's will and I trust this is His will. There was a few fears I had for the girls if they came to the US, now I want them to have a safe home built as soon as possible. From here out Haiti and especially Jesumine and Marie will have our attention. I will be going there when I can and we plan to try and help from a distance too. So I will leave with letter from Connie, an amazing woman who is part of an organization completely dedicated to helping the Haitian orphans.

If you can only give $10 that's awesome, it all adds up and with the help of many the home can be built very soon!!

with love,
trish

Dear Friends, Family and Sponsors of Haiti Love & Faith,

Many times you receive letters telling stories of children in foreign countries and their hardships. I am not going to tell you a story today. I am only giving you the cold hard facts about the girls at the Love of Jesus Girls home in Haiti.

We have been working very hard on getting our girls out of Haiti and into the US. So far we have been unsuccessful but are still trying. Because our efforts have failed, we are in desperate need of building a home for our girls at the Love of Jesus Girls’ Home. They have been living in tents and shipping containers since the earthquake on January 12, 2010. Up until this time it has not been comfortable for them but they have been able to continue living safely in these conditions. This is no longer the case. Because of the 24,000 people living outside the girls home and the lack of sanitation and the start of the rainy season our girls are beginning to contract diseases. Some of these diseases are malaria, hepatitis, yellow fever and others. If we do not come up with funds to build their home I am afraid our girls will begin dying.

Samaritan Purse has built 10 temporary shelters on our compound. By no means are these shelters suitable for the girls to live in for an extended period of time. They basically get them up off the ground and a roof over their head. The girls are still using the restrooms and the showers at the old home but are terrified of entering the building. They have started separating the sick girls from the healthy girls trying to keep the diseases contained. The older girls are caring for the little ones.

Here is where we need your help. If you sponsor a child please continue sponsoring her. If you could add extra to your sponsorship for medical expenses or to the relief fund we would appreciate that. If you do not sponsor a child please consider sponsoring any of our girls. You can contact me at the address below and I will help you pick out a girl. If by chance we do get our girls to the US we will then rescue more children off the streets of Haiti. At that time we will let you pick a new girl to sponsor.

If you would like to help with the building of our girls’ home there are several ways you can help.

Write a check made payable to Star of Hope and put a note in the memo “helping HL&F”. It can be sent to Star of Hope. P.O. Box 427, Ellinwood, KS 67526
Visit our webpage www.haitiloveandfaith.org select “Donate now to the Haiti Earthquake relief” and complete your information so we can send you a tax deductible receipt. Also in the comment box write “ helping HL&F” and your donation will go toward the rebuilding.
Text: HHH to 85944 to donate $10 towards the girls’ home. The response will say Leep Inc. Don't forget to confirm the donation by following the instructions.
If you have any questions regarding our ministry or our earthquake relief efforts, please do not hesitate to contact me. I would love to talk to you about it.

Walking by faith,



Connie Klein
Chairman
Haiti Love & Faith Ministries, Inc.
281-337-3246
www.haitiloveandfaith.org
Facebook/Haiti Love & Faith
connie.klein@starofhope.us