Love Remains

Four months

Today has been hard. Hard in that I can't quite think on Max too long without feeling that I am going to break down and I just don't want to. I have cried more in the last 8 months than I have in my entire life. I'm not a girl who cries pretty. My face turns red, my eyes swell, heck my whole my face swells. I can let a few tears escape but if I give in to the cry I will then deal with aftermath. I'm tired of dealing with aftermath. In all sorts. So, yes today many tears have escaped but I'm keeping the cry in today.

I have searched a bit deeper today about my love for Maxson. And this is where my thoughts led me: Here out I have this love. No one can take it away or steal it. Well, it can't be seen or noticed by others it is here forever. It physically holds me and it will always be one of my most valuable possessions. Even though love is not tangible I feel like I can embrace it, hold it, that is how powerful the love I feel for Max is.

So, I don't have my son here to hold, to raise, to nurture, to kiss, to see grow, to laugh with, and this list could go on and on. But now I have the love, the love remains.

What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love becomes a part of us.

Helen Keller




Happy four months in Heaven Maxson.

Usually I start with a topic, a subject of importance to share or a thought I need to search on, tonight I have scattered happenings and thoughts I feel to share. So needless to say no title.

First, a little personal happenings...

Today at work I had the trial of serving a baby shower at the restrauant I work at. The people I work with don't know about my journey with Max, well they do if they have asked if I have children. But they don't. They don't know the amazing, joyful, sorrow-filled, loving part. Of course then, they asked me to take the banquet, the baby shower. To say this was an easy job would be a HUGE understatement. Baby gifts, a new born, another pregnant attendee, and a room full of mom's celebrating the happy joy of a new mom was enough to put me at a place where... I fought tears, I fought angry bitter thoughts, I fought screaming do you know what I am going through right now to every mom there, including my co-workers. I held it together at least enough for show. I teared up many times and sucked it back to the best of my ability. Serving these ladies and listening to all the happy stories of a newborn and all the sharing of the joy, it was hard. But I made it. Right now I still feel the break down at the back of my throat.

Second, I haven't previously shared about much personal stuff other than Maxson and my journey through grief of course. But I want to share that Dust and I bought a home in foreclosure some time ago. It is a very old home and we have been spending much of any free time renovating this home. Tearing out walls, re-doing hardwoods, tearing wallpaper, painting, and tonight painting trim and repainting a wall color I detested.

We were not even looking for a home, my parents were actually. But we stumbled across this home and wanted to take a peek at it. It was love at first sight, the work pit that it is, had us at first visit. We put in a bid lower than we thought would be expected, and BAM we got it. I guess we were the only crazy ones to put in the work it needs. We prayed about the home and I really felt it was a God send. The home has released so much feelings, every little scrap of wall paper I tore off let out some built up emotion. Plus, it has kept us extremely busy. We have had family stay and to have our own home again to share is pretty cool, we did live with my parents for Max's whole time in my tummy and some after he left this world. God knew we needed this.

Lastly, one of my dear blog mom friends Kristy, mom of Isaac and Asher, has been given wonderful news that the baby girl she carries now is healthy, after a scare that there may be something wrong. I feel so much joy tonight knowing she can rest easy and truly enjoy the remainder of her pregnancy. On the flip side to this please continue to pray for Stellan's mom and baby Stellan as his heart fights to find the norm. He has one strong momma fighting for him, right now though she needs prayer as she is growing weary.

Now you can figure why there is no subject to tie these scattered words. I thank you for your great prayers, I know they have helped us SO much. Right now I am eternally thankful to a God who has given me a wonderful husband, a great family, a good list of real friends, a home, a job, and a baby boy that I can't go too many moments without loving on his memory.

Just one more tidbit on the job thing, I have an interview to do some freelance work with a production company please pray that it works out. I don't know if I have shared previously but I did pay some heavy dough for a degree in Digital video production. My goal is to edit for this company but I am willing to shoot or help in any way. Serving brings in some nice cash but my desire is to edit video. Please pray. If I do get the work I still plan to serve but I really want some work that I truly enjoy.

Thank you and I send my love to you all.

Trish
Max's momma

Pray for Stellan

Please pray for sweet baby Stellan. He is in the Children's hospital and needs your prayers as his heart is sick.

Stellan's mom was told he wasn't going to live when she was pregnant with him...but he lived, he was born healthy and now is four months old. Pray for healing for strength, for this family to be carried through this with a happy ending. To learn more about Stellan and his family visit their blog.

News

We got back late last night. The weekend was extremely busy, but it was great to see and catch up with family and friends. I am now emotionally exhausted but feel greatly blessed by the chance to see everyone.

Maxson's charity raffle was a great success. I believe the total was around 1,400, that's about 6 songs for children! Six children will be positively affected through Max's life. The different items donated touched my heart. Dustin has a great group of people he works with, they really show their more than co-workers!! It was truly one of the nicest things anyone could do to honor Max's life.

I just finished reading a post by a blog mom that has been on the same journey as I have. She has inspired and lifted me up many times in my own pain. Today, her post was so true and her words were helpful to me and I'm sure they will be to you, so I am linking her post for you to read. It will be a great help for those who have a difficult time knowing how to help a friend or family member who has lost a child. http://sgirl79.blogspot.com/2009/03/how-to-help-grieving-friend.html

Please continue to lift Dust and I up in prayer, I am always coveting prayer. The grief we bare wears us down, at times it really affects our relationship, and at times I feel so completely alone and overwhelmed. Bad days and good days, I guess. Thank you and love you all.

Trish

Charity Raffle

This Friday Dustin's fellow employees are having a luncheon and raffle with all the proceeds going to Songs of Love in Maxson's name. It is such a gift to have everyone be able to come together and give to an organization that has such an amazing mission. As Maxson's mom I feel so good that while Max's time here was short he left such an impression that now cause of his life other children will be lifted up through music.

Dust's company let us choose the charity and we choose "Songs of Love", as we know they are struggling to meet the number of song requests they get from terminally ill children. With the present economy being the way it is they need all the help they can get for one, disease is not slowing down and sick kids need hope! I really believe in what they do and am excited about the chance to give. Please feel free to check out their website on my side bar and if you know of a sick child that may need the encouragement of song just for them please make sure to tell their parents about this organization.

Songs of Love did write a song for Maxson. You can hear it on the player, its the second song. Max didn't get to hear his song. But it brought a lot of comfort to his Dad and me. And I know this organization will bring a lot of hope to other kids facing grim futures.

So yeah! I love that Maxson's name goes on. I hope Max's finger prints are all over many songs that help to give hope to the innocent in affliction.

I will catch you up on how it goes next week. Thanks for your prayers.

with much love,
Trish

I wanted to leave you with this poem I found on another Mom's site.

I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today.
I asked "what makes a Mother?" and I know I heard him say:
"A mother has a baby" this we know is true.
"But God can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?"
"Yes you can," he replied with confidence in his voice
"I give many women babies when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay."
"I just dont understand this God I want my baby here.
"He took a breath and cleared his throat and then I saw a tear
"I wish that I could show you what your child is doing today
If you could see your child smile with other children who say:
"We go to Earth and learn our lessons of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much I got to come straight here.
"I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep on her pillow's where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear
Mommy dont be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.
"So you see my dear sweet one your children are okay
Your babies are here in my home they'll be at heaven's gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother its the feeling in your heart.
Its the love you had so much of right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother until their time is done.
They'll be up here with me one day and you'll know that youre the best one.

"by Jennifer Wasikin
memory of Zachary Thomas Wasik

12.4.08

This picture was taken the night before Maxson was born. The hands on my tummy belong to some of my best friends. Some drove many hours and just made it into town that night. We spent a few hours together. When this picture was taken we were all lying on my bed, I was trying to get Max to move or kick for them. They all made the last night of Max's time in my tummy so special.

Kate, Kallie, Sara, Amber, and Cassidy plus my sweet Kaylyn was there in thought (finals for her masters, I'm so proud of you). These girls mean so much to me they have grown up with me, they are some of the classiest, smart, kind-hearted, down-to-earth, beautiful ladies I know. I have been blessed to have such strong, long-lasting friendships. They all were there for Maxson's entrance into this world and his peaceful exit. I wanted them there for two reasons: one, to have even more memories of one of greatest days of my life (I now can hear their memories of that day), and two I love them dearly and wanted them to share in one of my most cherished moments. So thank you girls for being there. I love you.

I wanted to edit a new video of Max's birth and pictures this week but I have been battleing a terrible chest cold and have had an unexpected difficult week. I still haven't seen all of Max's video, I thought I was ready but since Sunday I have hit an emotional curve I didn't see coming. God is obviously a huge part of my life, I try to make him my center. But this week has brought out anger and bitterness that I'm trying to sort through. So as far as the video goes it's on hold until I feel like I felt last week, emotionally and physically. I want to have my heart in good place when I see the rest of Max's Birthday video. And I want to put together a video with a clear mind. Please pray for these feelings of anger to be lifted or that I can find my way through them.

with love,
Trish
Max's mommy

3 months

Yes, today is Maxson's 3 month birthday in heaven. Yes meaning, it seems like a lifetime ago, and yes meaning, that it feels in no way it could be three months already. Thank you so much for the sweet emails today, it means a lot. And thank you to some wonderful friends that remembered us today too, just you guys thinking of my sweet boy still means a great deal! So grateful for all of you who have shared in this journey with us. Well I would have loved for the story to be a more happy one, I think each one of you have lifted us up when I can't really imagine life without this story, now.

Today, I worked, cleaned, cleaned, laundry, and cleaned. But while I cleaned I played Max's music (blog list) and went through every emotion possible. Good Grief, literally... I obviously cried, joyful tears, sad tears, angry tears, just plain longing for him tears, fearful tears, hopeful tears, and loving tears. All with the bits of amazing feelings Maxson has brought me, I did the up and down of it today.

Of course I also had the ups and downs of thoughts...I should be's, he would haves. The sounds would be different my plans would be different, it can all be just overwhelming. I also thought the ups...thank you God, thank you Father, what a gift you have given me. What a complete blessing Maxson's life was. Complete meaning, by bringing me some of the most real most cherished memories and feelings I may ever experience again. Also, I thought about Max and my reunion. Someday I will hold and kiss and get to know my son. Really its pretty amazing to be able to look forward to it. All because our God was willing to let his son die. I can tell you I would NEVER be WILLING to lose another child. Who would? Can you tell grief is a roller coaster?

So thank you for all your prayers and please continue to pray that God will reveal himself to us during this season of grief and that Maxson's life will continue to Glorify our Father!! Plus, for my aching arms and soul. And all the other moms aching arms and souls too. We are hooking up our scanner this week and I have some new pics to share, plus I am planning on editing a new video honoring Max sometime in the next week or so. I guess tonight I have no pictures to share, soon!!

with love,

Max's momma

Wedding Ring

Tonight I finally was able to squeeze my wedding ring on! Yes...I was beginning to think I would have to have it stretched. And I was questioning if it was possible for a ring to shrink.

The ring means so much to me, it carries memories that go far beyond its value. The significance of the ring and the memories it carries...well here it is.

Engagement, five years ago. Dust proposed on a dinner train the night was unforgettable, he drove like a maniac, the directions from Map Quest led us in the complete wrong direction. I stood on the train dock crying as the train pulled out, not because we missed the train but I had just been through the scariest car ride of my life, he ran stop lights, it was bad. Ended well though, the train stopped and a nice couple drove us to the middle of no where and we hopped the train, so to speak. Dust proposed after dinner and everyone on the train remembered me as the girl crying on the train platform...then again any woman would cry after a ride like that.

Wedding day; 4 years ago and some months, not really counting. It was a picture perfect August day and the best part was Dust's mom got to be there. I don't think at the time I appreciated her presence at our wedding as much as I do now. When I think of that day, thoughts of her always follow. The first day of our journey together

Maxson's Birthday; 2 months ago almost 3 now, the baby boy I dreamed about came into the world. We had taken some pictures of Maxson holding our rings. Now looking at my ring (on my finger!!) signifies our unity as a family, Dust, me, and Max.

Thank you God for all the blessings you have given us! Max's life has enriched my life and the worth of it goes far beyond any riches, or jewelry for that matter.




Maxson,

I miss you more than I can express and although you only held my wedding ring for a moment you will hold a piece of my heart indefinitely. I will cherish the memory of your time with us and I will rejoice the day I hold you again and kiss your sweet face.

love you,

mom

The Grave

Today in Church we sang "Mighty to Save" a line in the song says "Jesus conquered the grave" with that line said came the picture of Maxson living with Jesus, his grave not being the end. Then came the thanksgiving in my heart, thank you for our Father, for beating the grave for my son, for us.

One layer that this grief has brought out is my longing for Heaven, also the sadness that right now I don't know what Heaven is like. I don't know what Max is seeing, doing, and who is watching him. Dust finds a solid comfort in the idea his Mom may be taking care of and holding our son, which fits his mom, who was one of those beyond wonderful Grandmas. This at times has given me comfort but there are moments when I yearn to see and know for sure who is watching Max.

To bring this full circle now, the song today gave me full comfort in my Son's place. I felt victorious that Jesus conquered the grave, and that Maxson is in a place more beautiful than my understanding can stretch. Today, the worries of who was watching over Maxson didn't bother me at all, today, I am fully appreciating that my God is mighty to save and because of this my son is reaping the benefits (for lack of better words).

I added the song to my Playlist. The whole song has such powerful words. I also am leaving you with a picture of Max. One of our pictures that I don't think has been shared yet. I think Maxson looks like he was well on his way to being an angel in this pic. The light has a bit more meaning to me as in this pic, Max's gaze was stuck on the light.

2 Months

Yesterday was the two month milestone. Funny how the meaning of milestone has shifted its meaning. Now a milestone signifies time without Maxson, time that has allowed God to show his never ending supply of grace, mercy, and strength.

Really early yesterday February 5, I woke with that ache in my soul for my son. Tears came and I never did fall back asleep.

The day started out so sad. No one in my family or close friends remembered or acknowledged and its only been two months. Alone I relished in thoughts of Maxson and alone I thought about what I could do to celebrate this day, and if that was even going to be possible. I had a busy day from the start. I am trying to find a serving job. So, that filled my day.

Anyway, last night I listened to Undeniable by Matt Kearney, now whether these are christian lyrics is up to debate. But as far as I'm concerned they were my God send on Max's two month birthday in Heaven.

Keep in mind yesterday was FEBRUARY 5, and I will explain the rest in a sec: Here are some of the lyrics.

UNDENIABLE
February 5th, Friday morning, purple dawn,
Broke a yawn, as I stepped through the fog, like I stepped to a song
A moment like a poem, you wish you could hold it
I shut my eyes like it's frozen, it's gone when I open
It slipped past the clouds right there where it lingered
Like your band and a girl could slip through your fingers
My feet hit the ground like a beat for the lonely
On a path beaten down by the crowds in the morning

If only I could touch past the phony
If only they were there now to hold me
As the questions keep droning

You're the only one who stuck it out last night
The only other one who caught the other line
You're the only one when this world collides
The one that I can't deny

Chorus

It's undeniable how brilliant you are
In an unreliable world you shine like a star
It's unforgettable now that we've come this far
It's unmistakable that you're undeniable

The past couple of months God has brought me through
some very dark waters. He has shown me the only one
I can rely on is HIM! He has made it undeniable that
I can not carry this alone, he has made it undeniable that the realm in which he works is more beautiful than my understanding will stretch.

So yesterday, while it started out as a very sad day it did end
with this song and the amazing peace only HE can provide.

Maxson celebrated two months in Heaven! I celebrated the fact I will
hold him again, and my sadness will not be eternal.

God continues to be the one who catches the other line! And while it
feels wrong to not be seen as a mother in this world, I know I am, I am a mom from here out.

I really wanted to play this song on my blog but the player did not have it. But I really encourage you to listen to it, the words while they do not directly praise our God they clearly do to anyone with a God perspective. Every part of the song spoke to me and with out hearing it like that yesterday, I'm not sure I would've been able to have joy in Max's 2 month birthday.

Alright, thank you for the prayers, I have felt so much peace.

with love,
Trish
Max's mommy!

Time

"Time heals all" I don't know if this will ever apply to a parent that has lost a child at any age.

Time does help the pain ease. I guess the pain is just filled with more smiles, and the time between the really hard ache in my soul and the sweet peace that fills my heart seems to be longer.

My sister said she couldn't imagine losing a child, my thoughts back to this, I too could never imagine losing another child. Perspective, it's all relative...sadly this is true, well maybe for a good reason.

Time flew by when I was pregnant, by God's grace at the time, now I wish it would have lasted much longer. Time since Maxson was born has creeped by. I don't know how or what can change the perspective of time so much. All I know is when you lose a part of you, you crave heaven SO much more. Maybe this is why time goes so slow, like when I was little and looked forward to a vacation or something fun, the time leading up to it would then go by so much slower.

Time being the essence of my thoughts tonight, I will leave you with a great quote and a truthful verse.

“Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity.”
Henry Van Dyke

Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
Psalms 62:8

Memories

Here I am writing again...I actually have been journaling privately. Writing is incredibly healing and here in the internet world you all add to that healing.

Someone's blog has a quote that I love, the following is paraphrased: life is not measured by days or time its measured by moments. Not exactly the words but I can't remember the exact quote... Anyway, I'm sure if you think back on your life you will see this is so true.

I want to start by a quick re-visit of all my pregnant moments...quickly I promise.

Beginning of April, I was on my fourth fertility cycle (lack of better words), day fourteen. I woke up extremely early, about 5 am. My boobs hurt and I felt cramps coming on...I was sure I was getting my period. This was a difficult battle, the waiting game of trying with a medical team behind you. I would have 14-16 days between each try of waiting to pee on the stick or for my time of the month to arrive, just to start the waiting period all over again. Timing was everything and it was measured by ultra sounds, pills, shots, and i.e. (insemination). Patience grew and I still believe my faith grew in abundance through this time. Even though at the time I thought I was in the lowest valley I would have to go through.

Alright, back to the prego stick. Five in the morning on a beautiful April day, I learned I would be expecting our much prayed for boy, Maxson. I was only 14 days pregnant and I knew! When I first saw the "pregnant" word (digital stick the only way to go), my knees hit the floor. I thanked God and love to revisit the joy that surged my body. Waking Dust up to share such great news will never leave my memory. Calling family at the break of dawn was for sure one of the best tells EVER! I miss that crazy amount of joy that I only believe a child of your own can bring.

Later that day Dust and I went and purchased Max's first hat and mitten set from Target. The hat said "our lil peanut", it was yellow. Cause it was our first purchase for our lil boy, I did place the hat in Max's coffin with him. Really not where I thought I would be putting it at the time.

The rest of the time between 14 days and 19 and 1/2 weeks was spent enjoying all of the pregnancy ups and tiny set backs. Many days spent dreaming of what our baby was going to be like. Time spent thinking on how I was going to try my hardest to be a great mom, and how my body was changing faster than I expected. And lots of praying for my baby. I prayed really hard that Heaven would be our son's eternal destination (this has been answered, too soon!!). Of course I prayed he would be healthy, but really it was not on my mind even a little bit that he wouldn't be. I dreamed, prayed, and waited with joy until week twenty...

For this time in my life you can go to the first few posts on this blog to give you the all those moments. Just a couple of memories that come alive when I think on that time are. Dust telling me the test was positive for trisomy 18, God telling me he would be there. The 11 hour car ride home filled with tears, hopelessness, anger, fear, doubt, song, despair, confusion, and tons of pain. The following days and months I found hope, joy, and peace. I can't explain... I have never before held hope and joy with pain and despair at the same time. And looking back and even now, I do.

See Maxson has more memories than I was giving credit to. I knew I had Max from day 14 and I gave him back holding him at 37 weeks, one day, two hours, and 44 minutes.

with love,
Trish

more memories of Max's time with us to come!

Thank you

I really want to share with you what has been given to us, not just the love that has been shared by strangers... but the items given in memory of our sweet son, that have been sent to us by some we have never met in person. There love so inspires me and I have such a thankful heart for everything I have received. I can't tell you enough how I am blown away by the love strangers have shown us.

Not strangers anymore. I have many new friends.







Beautiful artwork, an amazing necklace, many wonderful cards, a kit from string of pearls (that allowed me to cast Maxson's hand). A poem and a beautiful engraved ornament, and just tons of thoughtful emails and comments. I thank God for all of you and thank you for your support for us and our strong baby Maxson Linwood.

I am praying now if we should let the blog rest in Max's memory, a part of me feels I've said and shared my boy. And I didn't set out for this blog to be about anything other than God's plan for our son's life and to share the love we had for Max. While I know Maxson lives on, and his love has touched many... It just seems I need to pray that sharing the grief side is what this is about too. If that makes any sense?

I wouldn't trade the pain I feel for not having Maxson. Even now as my soul aches and I long for my baby, I feel incredibly blessed to be here. I love you all.

with love,
Max's mommy

Magdalena Grace Roberts

Please pray for Noah and Julie today, they had to say goodbye to their beautiful baby girl Magdalena.

I feel so sad they had to, but I know Maxson was in the welcoming crowd for their sweet girl:) Not much to say other than, please ask God to give them peace and comfort today.

Tears,
Max' mommy

A beautiful Love Story

First post for the new year! I want this post to bring some hope in what is to come this year rather than the doom and gloom that surrounds us!

Dust and I have had a turbulent beginning to 2009, I can't go into really why...but I can say that "when it rains it pours" has never reigned more true. One thing after another and I have been to the bottom and now, I'm on the up swing. Maxson my angel, it brings to mind such comfort, joy, and lots of tears! My soul aches and I'm learning that's okay. By having Maxson in my life, I feel more for those suffering around me more than ever! Maxson's sweet life changed me more than I EVER expected and it continues to. What a blessing Max IS! Although from here out my soul will experience pain I never knew before, I will also have more empathy than I knew was possible. With that I know I will reach out to those around me more. So Maxson lives on, without saying a word of kindness to anyone, he has and will spread love. I know some people don't leave behind such love in a lifetime. God really designed one of the most beautiful "LOVE STORIES" I have ever known by Maxson Linwood's life.

Now to lay out the plan for my next post. I love when all the blogs I follow use pictures, plus I want to tell you all and show you all the wonderful momentous blog readers have given to us. The outreach from women I don't even know has NOT just given me comfort it has inspired me! I want to share that with you. This can only be done with pictures, so I will get to it soon. I really think some of you will be in awe of the love some of the sisters in Christ out there show. Just read the comments and you will understand the amazing love people are willing to give and share with others. I know I am singing to the choir blog friend, but I can't stop thinking about how I want you ALL to know your love has been incredibly moving!

with love,

Trish

Note: some new songs added, go to the bottom of the page if it doesn't automatically play or if you want to play a new song.