Why?

Since we started this road in August I have been going to God with why. Why us? Why my baby? Why, why, why? This hasn't been answered. This is where the faith has been learned, to have faith in something I cannot understand. And a deal that has mereeling with emotions that have driven me to question God's love for me. To say I haven't wondered if he really loves me would be a big fat lie. I do everyday. I fight the feeling of being abandoned and at times hated by God.

The faith I have, have now, is shaken but not broken. There is not an ounce of me that doesn't believe and love Jesus and have such a faith in God for saving us through Christ. But there are times when "why" just breaks me, actually at least everyday, at some point. It's probably part of the grieving process.

Now before you shut your laptop feeling I am just the most depressing thing ever...Everyday I feel I have had some ordeal happen that tears me apart about the loss we have to learn to live with. Sad, yes and seems unfair. ALSO, everyday something happens that can only be explained as God cares, he's here, this plan is his.

Writing through this right now is my way to find my way through these at times, blinding emotions, after writing some happenings they always seem to become clear. So for what I am going to write now...(deep breath) I will change the name (privacy).
But please know this is my dearest friend and she has been there for me and been a great support. I love her with all my heart. And through all the pain I feel in everything right now I am truly happy for her.

Well, yesterday I found out she is pregnant. Which when I heard hit me out of left field. Not that I didn't know it was possible but the last thing I expected was the emotions it stirred the following day, today. Right off the bat I felt my heart bleed.

Cameron (not a real name) I do feel genuinely happy for you, I know your gonna be a wonderful mom, one others will wish they had!! I just had to cross this bridge at some point. I'm not going to go into the sad emotions it drove up as I'm sure that's semi-understood. Another note, I am going to want to hear about all the moments you have through this pregnancy and I have some great books for you too. I hope this pain I have to go through doesn't bring down any of the joy you feel. Please know I just have to feel this. I haven't called as I hope this kills the awkwardness that would have been our conversation.

Now for the part where God answered the doubts all that came down on me. I opened this book my cousin gave me "Grieving the Child I never knew" and randomly read two parts, it was all I needed to feel comfort today.

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in the mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all THINGS" Ecclesiastes 11:5

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Matthew 10:29-31

with love,

Maxson's mom

Prayers

Please pray for Nicole, Chad, and now there sweet angel Dylan James. He was
born this morning and went to be with Jesus this afternoon. I know how
amazing yet difficult this day is. Their link is on the Angel list.

My heart breaks for them, its so hard to know they have to be on this road now. Please pray God gives them abundant strength and peace. That Chad has the strength to grieve but yet be strong when Nicole needs to lean on him. And that the rest of today will just be more joyous memories with their sweet baby.

with love,
trish

Merry Christmas

I wanted to write today. I knew I wanted to write today weeks ago. Being that today is Christ's birthday and the original day for Maxson's birthday, I just knew it was fitting to write something.

I would be lying if I said I feel joyous and full of the Christmas spirit. This is the first post where I have no desire to cheer myself up through writing. I want to share my tears with you. If you have followed Max's blog you know I wanted him home today. More than anything I wanted him here, if just for today. The only outfit I bought after finding out about Maxson's future in August was a tiny Christmas outfit. And it kills me today that he didn't get to wear it. I hate that I have to feel this sad on a day that was meant and has always been meant for happiness.

An African Missionary told me a while ago that going through this allows me to empathize with what God went through by sacrificing his son for us. Because God went through this incredible pain, I am able to see and hold my son again. As usually this fact makes me feel better, today the cloud of what could have been just won't pass.

I pray that if I have future Christmas (not guarenteed tomorrow) celebrations I am able to feel the spirit of it all again. I pray that God will bless me with dreams of my sweet Son as I covet this so much right now. I pray that I am able to be a happy wife and daughter again. I pray for all the other moms in the same pain as myself today, my heart just drops thinking of them. I pray for strength for my husband and family. I need them to be strong! I pray that I can through this, actually that Max's life can show all of you how truly blessed we are to have a Saviour and to have the sacrifice God made, the free eternal gift.

Last night on the way to Christmas Eve Service I thought about how shortly after we found out about Maxson we met with the pastor of our church. It was before I started this blog. I told the pastor about this deep desire more like passion burning to share my son's life. I wanted his life to have meaning, for people to know he was here and know his name. I had some hope that Max's story and beautiful life would affect people. Now, I thank God as I do see and get to hear of some of the ways Max's life meant something to others and even made changes in some. So many love him and that means so much, I feel so blessed to feel the love people have for Maxson.

I will close with a thought, if I, being a sinful human wanted my son's life to mean something, for people to know him, and for his life to have a positive impact on others...how much more does God want Jesus's life to mean something to us. I don't just mearly want people to agree Max existed, I want people to love him and to know as much as possible about him. By this I now understand a little better God's deep desire for us to KNOW his son!!


Merry Christmas,

Trish
Max's Mommy

Thank you Maxson

Today was my plan. To have Maxson today and then to bring him home to spend Christmas with us. I had decided... in my mind sometime after Christmas would be the time Max went to be with Jesus. It was my plan my hope.

Obviously, not so. Not my plan.

I really didn't count fully on everything I had on the plan, but I did put so much of my hope in it. My "hope". My hope has always been on whats going to happen here, in my life. Where we will be in five, ten years. I never truly set my hope on a heavenly home. I never really understood or knew how to not set my hope on this world.

Now I have all my hope on a Savior, on an eternal home after this stop, on more than what this world can give or this stop will bring me. Presently, I don't have a plan...scary, I will admit that seems wrong. But I don't think it is wrong, not that I wont be planning, but my hope will not be set in my plans in my dreams here.

Maxson taught us more about the three most important things (faith, hope, and love) than I could've imagined. When we first found out Max had trisomy 18, dreams crashed and our faith was smashed down and twisted (tested).

Our faith grew beyond what I can express. We learned to lean on God and have faith in his plan not ours. To trust his plan and trust the promises he DID make to all of us. The love we felt and had the privilege to experience was amazing. I have so much love for Max my heart seems to burst with love. Also the love I have for others has grown. Strangers melt my heart and my heart breaks so much easier for those around me. Love has more meaning than I felt before, my faith has a strength I didn't know existed. And now my hope is set on what WILL BE!!!

That's all thanks to this amazing lil boy, who shaped his mom and dad and others for where he would go first!!! I can't tell you enough how much I miss him. Sometimes so much I don't feel I can go on.

I hate that I have to miss him. But I love that I had the experience to know him.

I love you Maxson,
Mom

Tribute video for the life of our son

Please click on Max's Video below to watch. We played it at his celebration service. Max's song from Songs of Love is the second song.

Max's Video

Max's Celebration Service

Maxson Linwood Hagen, what a dignified, strong, and purposed name. I may be biased cause I named him, but his name to me means a lot. I always wanted a Max I dreamed of my son Max for years, Linwood is my fathers middle name coming from his grandfather's name. To see his name on all the cards and other mementos from his celebration just meant so much. I loved opening cards with his name spread across the envelope, I am going to miss seeing other people's writing of his name.

His service was beautiful. When I woke up yesterday I was feeling so hurt and sad. I thought the funeral was going to be so difficult, it was going to finalize his passing and that hurt. I planned and wanted it to be a celebration but yesterday morning it didn't feel that it would be for me.

It wasn't though, it was so perfect.

Waking up to an extreme blizzard had me asking God, why? Why God? Are you kidding, I wanted people to be able to come and for them to see God's beauty through Max's beauty. And the storm seemed like a big damper for anyone to turn out. Plus, with 30 below weather the burial was going to be cut short and that saddened me. Anyway, I was once again touched by God's divine plan, not mine. People made it, maybe not as many that would have, but I know there was some that were there because of the weather. Sports were canceled and peoples travel plans were canceled, so there were some people there that would not have attended had the blizzard not been here.

The burial was short but the people that came to stand with us in 30 below weather touched me. I didn't expect anyone besides my immediate family to come because of the bitter cold. But so many came, I felt bad for them as I thought I was going to freeze to death. But it was so touching they did.

I will post a video of his service later this week or link to you tube with it.

I felt so much peace and now I understand the closure that a funeral brings, that a person needs. Not that I have closed this chapter, that may never happen, but I felt a letting go, an ability to say goodbye Max, for awhile. Granted late last night all the pain started coming up again. But all day yesterday I felt so peaceful and I even felt happiness for the first time since Max's birth. Thank you all, because of you, I have been lifted up again and again. God's peace keeps finding me and Jesus is carrying me through...I feel it!! I felt Jesus at Max's celebration and I believe Max was there watching.

Tomorrow, I will also post some pics of Max's celebration service. I do want to leave you with a letter that my husband read at Max's celebration service from the both of us.

Dear Maxson,

You were with us here for about 37 weeks and 1 day, in that short time you made more impact on this world than many make in a lifetime. Not only did your sweet time here on earth touch people around the world, it also changed your mom and I forever. We had a long talk the other night and realized how we will never be the same again. Not just because we will always long for you in our arms and desire heaven more now than ever; but because you taught us more about faith, hope, and love than either of us could have ever known without you.

I can’t believe how strong you are Max, I felt you kick in your mom’s tummy so many times, and then when you entered this world… you fought so hard. You have the heart of a champion son, and your mom’s strong will.

Because of exactly who you are, it humbles me to know I’m your Dad. What an honor Max, we are so proud.

Although we have felt the loss of a lifetime we would not trade the time we had with you for anything. I am confident that we will hold you again, it’s just the time that we have left here, that separates us from you. We look forward to that day Max.

We love you,
Mom and Dad

A thousand words...

If a picture says a thousand words then this picture speaks volumes... Besides showing the beauty that Maxson possesses, it clearly displays the fight in his eyes and to me there is just so much behind his sweet eyes. I can't find the words... all I know is that he has such a special glimmer in those eyes, I will keep that with me forever. This picture was taken shortly after he was born, they actually just got him breathing before this was taken. I know newborns can't see very far but he was looking directly at me. Max was about 6 to 7 feet from me and his gaze was set directly on me.





Oh, I love and miss my baby so much. I don't know how this deep longing for him will ever let up.


God bless,

Max's mommy

Angel

This coming Saturday we will be celebrating Maxson's life at New Hope Church. The service will be at 11am with a lunch to follow. It has been such a heavy thought to go through with this day, one, it signifies another milestone of his passing, two I want it to be perfect, and three while I want to celebrate there is that part of me that deeply mourns the loss of my sweet son...with all that laid out, tonight I received the pictures back from the photographers (Gabriel and Carin Photography) they are just beautiful, more than I imagined them to be. I will add some every post and will share most of them on Saturday at Max's service. Receiving these pictures eased most all of the burden Saturday was feeling to be. Now I feel I am ready to share and celebrate his life with everyone! For cards please send to PO Box 230 Williston, ND 58802. In lieu of flowers please consider donating in Max's name to a organization on our side bar.

I never thought this would hurt so badly. I really thought by knowing his time would be short would ease the pain in it...No, not even a bit. The pain comes on in waves at times my chest aches so deeply, and I long for him so bad I feel ill. I feel peace at times and other times I feel such despair, I know I have to walk through this part and I know there's no designated finish line. I just pray that God continues to carry me. Without the feeling of peace that Max is in a better place plus that fact that we will be reunited, I just don't know how I would continue. As living right now even with that hope can be so painful. So please pray for Dust and me, all your prayers thus far have been felt.

I did not bring Maxson home, I may not ever know why that wasn't God's plan. I do know Maxson was struggling at the end and I told him it was okay to go be with Jesus. It would have been so much harder to bring him home and watch him struggle to breath like he was. Once I whispered that into Max's ear he seemed to let go, I saw it in his eyes. He stared into my eyes and went home in my arms. So, figuratively speaking I did bring him home, Jesus just met me and carried Max the rest of the way. Now my sweet Angel is in heaven with a wonderful Grandma and great-grandparents, plus a wonderful Aunt. I know they are all fighting over him!

Dustin has been my rock, my family has stuck by my side and lifted me up again and again, friend have been there in such special ways, and even people I don't know that well have been so kind, some bringing food. This food thing is just awesome cause it's difficult to cook in this state and I would hate that burden to be on my Mom as she is also grieving. I am going to just post a list sometime of all the wonderful things people have done for me and my family. God bless you and thank you.

I will leave you with some pics of the cutest baby boy ever!!!!

Forever in our hearts, we love you Angel!

Oops!

I wanted to clear up a mistake I had made. String of Pearls foundation had an incorrect link on my side bar. I have corrected it and the correct address is stringofpearlsonline.org.

This foundation has been such a blessing and I feel just awful that I had the wrong address and link listed. Please check out the correct link as Laura the founder has such a special purpose to help those who have and will walk this journey.

We're Home

This morning we left the hospital and went straight to the funeral home to see Max....it was pretty tough. We could not stay long because Trish was not feeling well, but are going to go back in tomorrow. I am looking forward to sleeping in our own bed tonight instead of a hospital recliner.

We are planning on having a "Celebration of Life" service on Saturday, 12/13 at 11am. This will be held at New Hope Church in Williston, ND. Details of everything still need to be worked out.

Please pray that this day will honor our son and bring glory to God, also that Trish is feeling better by Saturday, as she is hurting pretty bad physically and emotionally.

For Friends and Family that want to come from afar we will find you a place to rest your head, our home is open along with other friends and family members that live here.

In lieu of flowers we would rather you make a donation in Max's name to a nonprofit organization listed on the side bar such as, String of Pearls, Songs of Love, NILMDTS.org.

God Bless,
Dustin

ps - i will post more pictures tomorrow.

SO MISSED

This is so hard. There is no way words can explain or express how painful this can be. Trish is SO strong, yet SO broken hearted. We miss our boy so much.

This (Saturday) morning was a very tough morning for Trish. She woke up without any kicks in her tummy and empty arms. It was devastating for her and there was nothing I could do about it. I feel so helpless that I cannot take away her pain. I pray to God for guidance, but I cannot bring our son back.

I cannot imagine walking this road without knowing Jesus Christ as our savior. We cling to the comfort of knowing that our Max is with Him having the time of his life.....eternal Bliss. Also, knowing that we will one day be reunited with Maxson in heaven.

THANK YOU ALL for your prayers and support. I never imagined how many would come through and support us through this blog.....truly amazing.

It is late and I am very tired so i'm going to stop here. I am going to leave you with a few more pictures of our BEAUTIFUL SON. There will be more to come.

Love,

Dustin

Strong Max

Max passed away about 10 min ago around 10:15am cuddling with his mommy and daddy. They were surrounded by friends and family! There was more love than you can even imagine. What a beautiful baby boy! He took one last look at his mama and then he just let go peacefully. Thank you everyone for your prayers and support. we know Max is with our loving heavenly father!

Update

Sorry, I have more photos but we are having difficulty getting them loaded. I will post more later that have the whole Hagen family! Things are a bit touch and go right now. Max is definitely a fighter, with a strong will like his parents. Please keep praying for God's strength to touch the Hagen family today.

More family photos

Hagen family photo

Birth

Just saw Trisha, Dustin and baby Max. He is beautiful! Trisha is doing great! Max was 3lbs 14oz. Just a little squirt! He looks healthy and is cooing away!

Birthday!

Maxson Lynwood Hagen was born 7:32am on Dec, 5 2008. He is doing great and is fiesty little guy!Mom is holding him right no! Praise the Lord for he is good!

In Surgery

Trisha and Dustin just went into the the OR at 7:25am!

Time is going by 37 weeks today!

Well the response is overwhelming, thank you all so much for lifting us up in prayer. I feel so humbled by the love that has been shown for us, without love like this I don't know how this day would be.

Today thus far has been a dream...every kick by sweet Max intensifies the emotions I feel. There has been times I actually feel like my mind is recording the emotions, the feelings, and the details that surround the time I have. Very surreal.

I had to go get my blood drawn today for surgery tomorrow, afterwards, I just drove around and cried slow peaceful, praise filled tears. I turned the music up very loud, felt Max's body pushing against my stomach and just praised the time and gift I have received. It was a beautiful time with just Me, Max, and God. It may seem funny to praise God in a moment that would seem better fit to be pleading on my knees with God, but the release of fear and doubts, and the comfort I felt in doing so can not be explained.

Tonight we will be spending time as a family. My sisters are coming home and some friends are driving in tonight. I am going to try to sleep, I have to be up by 4:30 am. I will be having the c-section at 7 am central time.

I am just so thankful for all of you and thank God every night for you.

I wanted to write a list of prayers we seek to be answered tomorrow but I know God knows what we need, so I will leave you with a list of the blessings we have received thus far.

1. When we found out I was pregnant we were able to move from MN to be by my family, actually we had the opportunity to live with my parents!! My parents house is where we reside currently. The blessing in this I can't even express.

2. I was married at an age that some consider young. But as immature as I was, one thing at 21 that I did understand was that God had given me this man to be my husband! Also, the blessings in this go on and on.

3. I have become friends with so many people that share my love for our Savior...this bond has been even more so present through this journey.

4. I am blessed to be born in a country where I can freely express and live out my faith.

5. A family that raised me with so much love, patience (i require that), and commitment.

6. To be more exact, a Mother who is so selfless, a Dad who is extremely committed to the relationships in his life, which is the best example of a life a Father can give, if you ask me.

7. Three sisters that are all different in the way they love, but all give the same just in different ways. And a sister in heaven who I know waits to be a great auntie to Max.

8. Food I really have enjoyed food. And the blessing to choose what I eat is something I try not to take for granted.

9. Heat. I am in ND and it is so cold. Thank God for heat.

10. Doctors, well I can't say that I am to impressed with how our insurance has handled us but I will say it is a blessing to receive care. Also, that our Doctor knows there is a bigger hand in the picture!!

11. All who have shared this journey via the blog or through other means. Like I stated earlier I just don't know how this journey would be without you.

12. For heaven and the chance to go there!!

13. A God who felt this pain I am feeling by watching his own son die. Through this I am blessed to be separated from Max only by my time on earth.

14. Great girlfriends who have been there through thick and thin. Literally!!

15. Other mom's who have been down this journey that have reached out to me or answered my questions.

16. Dreams. not the bad ones but I have had so many good ones, holding my baby.

17. For a Shepperd who has guided me back to him when I lost my way.

18. Grace for the time needed in molding me, and hope for everything I have faith in.

19. For the blessings to come.........

20. Not lastly of course but for the sake of this list it is, Maxson Linwood Hagen, the love I have had the privilege to feel is beyond what I have ever felt. To be able to keep him so safe right below my heart, to be able to feel his kicks, to be able to have spent 37 weeks today with him and for the time God will give us. I would have never imagined this would be my path but I would not change it because of the pain, for if I hadn't gone down this path I also would not feel and be the mom I am now. Of course, I would love and welcome a complete healing miracle tomorrow and know that it is possible, but one thing I have learned through this more than anything else, is we are not that equipped to or able to understand or know God's plans. And even though it seems so doom and gloom from my eyes at times there is another side that is more beautiful and has more purpose than any plan I could have conjured up.

Yes, please pray, and yes please lift us up, more so though: Yes, thank God for what he has done and what he plans to do with the life of our beautiful baby boy.

Love,

Trish

Max,
I can't wait to hold you in my arms tomorrow, I can't wait to see you face to face. You are surrounded by love from all over. I have loved the privilege of carrying you beneath my heart and am so honored to say that you are my son!!!

Love you so much,
Mom

Our Max

I want to start my first post by thanking everyone for your prayers and support. There have been so many down times where we have been picked up by Jesus through your prayers. Please continue to pray for us as we continue this uncertain journey.

I have not posted until now....i guess for a few different reasons. I think mostly because I was scared because I am not a very good writer in combination with the common male trait of not being able to express or share my feelings, or maybe not wanting to......I'm working on that. Thankfully my wife is amazing at it, but if you have been reading this blog, then you already know this. I thank God every day for blessing me with Trisha as my wife.
I am so blessed to have such an strong, amazing, beautiful wife....she truly is my hero!

As you already know, we will finally get to meet our son face to face on Friday....I cant wait to see, hold, hug, kiss him. I am so very proud of Maxson, and December 5, 2008 (Max's first b-day), isn't even here yet. He is SO strong and been blowing the medical tests out of the water! I Love You Son.

I still dream and pray that I will one day get to teach Max how to kick a soccer ball, swing a bat, throw a football, fish, hunt and the list goes on and on, but I know that what I want isn't always the will of our Lord. However, I do find tremendous peace knowing that whatever happens, it is God's will, and God's will is ALWAYS right.


with love,

Dustin

Max's Birthday will be December 5, 2008

We have decided, we will be holding our sweet baby this Friday. Max did great today, his heart rate was strong and he looked to be doing very well. But we talked with our doctor for a while today and it seems that Max is not getting enough nutrients inside of me anymore. With a t18 baby I also have a Trisomy 18 placenta, and it has stopped providing Max with the appropriate nutrients. He did gain some weight, but after discussing the possibilities of waiting to have him we decided it was best for him to be born now rather than to become weaker over the next few weeks thus come into this world with less of an ability to fight.

I go in at 6am and Max will be in my arms sometime between 7 and 7:15 am. I have needed and loved all the prayers we have received thus far...now, I beg to you, please have Max in your prayers...Please pray he will be comforted and have no pain, pray his heart will sustain, pray that God gives us time with our son, pray that God gives us abundant time with our son, please petition to God our desire to spend time at home with our son. I have been asking God all along for his will, but I desperately beg that in his will is time, time to bring him home...I know he will supply us with the peace and strength we need, I know he will be in the midst carrying us, as I have felt him all along. Knowing God will be there I know, I just don't know his plan. I am so thankful for my faith and a God so great that even in my sadness, I am even more aware of his awesomeness! So well the next few days will feel oh so bitter sweet, I am so excited to hold and kiss Maxson, and like you may be feeling now, I can't believe it will be so soon.

My sister or Dustin will be keeping the blog updated on our status and will be posting pictures as soon as they can. I thank God for all of you and feel so blessed to have all your prayers.

with love,

Trish