12.29.2008

Why?

Since we started this road in August I have been going to God with why. Why us? Why my baby? Why, why, why? This hasn't been answered. This is where the faith has been learned, to have faith in something I cannot understand. And a deal that has mereeling with emotions that have driven me to question God's love for me. To say I haven't wondered if he really loves me would be a big fat lie. I do everyday. I fight the feeling of being abandoned and at times hated by God.

The faith I have, have now, is shaken but not broken. There is not an ounce of me that doesn't believe and love Jesus and have such a faith in God for saving us through Christ. But there are times when "why" just breaks me, actually at least everyday, at some point. It's probably part of the grieving process.

Now before you shut your laptop feeling I am just the most depressing thing ever...Everyday I feel I have had some ordeal happen that tears me apart about the loss we have to learn to live with. Sad, yes and seems unfair. ALSO, everyday something happens that can only be explained as God cares, he's here, this plan is his.

Writing through this right now is my way to find my way through these at times, blinding emotions, after writing some happenings they always seem to become clear. So for what I am going to write now...(deep breath) I will change the name (privacy).
But please know this is my dearest friend and she has been there for me and been a great support. I love her with all my heart. And through all the pain I feel in everything right now I am truly happy for her.

Well, yesterday I found out she is pregnant. Which when I heard hit me out of left field. Not that I didn't know it was possible but the last thing I expected was the emotions it stirred the following day, today. Right off the bat I felt my heart bleed.

Cameron (not a real name) I do feel genuinely happy for you, I know your gonna be a wonderful mom, one others will wish they had!! I just had to cross this bridge at some point. I'm not going to go into the sad emotions it drove up as I'm sure that's semi-understood. Another note, I am going to want to hear about all the moments you have through this pregnancy and I have some great books for you too. I hope this pain I have to go through doesn't bring down any of the joy you feel. Please know I just have to feel this. I haven't called as I hope this kills the awkwardness that would have been our conversation.

Now for the part where God answered the doubts all that came down on me. I opened this book my cousin gave me "Grieving the Child I never knew" and randomly read two parts, it was all I needed to feel comfort today.

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in the mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all THINGS" Ecclesiastes 11:5

"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Matthew 10:29-31

with love,

Maxson's mom

21 comments:

Katie said...

so perfectly written.

Kristin (kekis) said...

It's hard to see the world going on while you grieve. It is also difficult to explain how you can be happy for someone you care about while also suffering so deeply inside. I hope you know that what you are feeling makes perfect sense. Maybe it doesn't to everyone, but they will just have to find you where you are right now. Still praying for you.

Taylor said...

I completely understand you. I felt this often as I went through fertility treatment. I am praying for you and I know that your friend will understand.

Nicole said...

Praying for peace for you! And a continued, valued friendship for you and your friend. Also, for God to reveal part of His purpose for all that you are surrounded with...Hugs!

Stacy D said...

This is such a hard thing... watching the world continue on when you just feel like it needs to stop, or at least slow down, and wait as you pick up the pieces. The grace you exude in your writing is a true testament to your faith in Him, Trish.

Still praying...

~ Stacy

Laurie in Ca. said...

Words beautifully written from a heart that is broken. I continue to pray for you sweet Trish, lifting you and your husband up to the Lord. I understand your heart here and pray for the pain that I can't imagine. This is such a delicate balance that you are trying to live in and it must be so hard in times like these. I know your friend will understand you and love you through.
Prayers for you continue here.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Carla Burlando said...

Thats a tough one for sure. It is such a part of the process though. You are happy for them but inside your heart is bleeding and then you feel guilty about it...at least thats how I felt at the time. It seemed like everyone I knew got pregnant after we lost our son and we were still waiting for another baby. One more reminder of what you don't have. The Why's are so hard. I'm sorry you are going through that deep sadness, just know you are not abandoned , you are loved deeply. Even though its hard to see sometimes. Your in my prayers.

Heather said...

Wow, I have never heard anyone say so clearly what I am feeling in my heart. I battle with wondering why God didn't let me have my baby. I have even battled (still am) with anger over it. I didn't get to hold my baby, or even feel it move before I miscarried, I can't imagine how much harder it would have been for me in your shoes. I don't know how I would handle that without Jesus.
My best friend is also pregnant. We planned to be pregnant at the same time. Her third child my first. It is hard. Your friend will understand. Mine does.

Rebecca Jo said...

It's completely understandable for you to feel all these feelings - even if you think they aren't "right" or "too happy"- its OK to feel upset about a friend's pregnancy - all the while being hapy for her... thats OK.... dont deny the way you feel. God gave you emotions for a reason - & with everything you've been through - no one would ever deny truth in what you feel. The truth that you are hurt & struggling with the loss of your child... that is never easy & no one could ever slight you for that.

We are always here to listen to you as you & God work on healing.

t said...

If you get the chance...read the book "The Shack". How what a eye opener for your faith in the lord. May prayers for you and your husband.

t

Stephanie said...

Thanks for your honesty today. I understand how you feel 100%....and you know God understands too. Praying for you today.

Debby said...

I've been praying for you. Thank you for sharing your heart. My daughter went through some similar circumstances and what you share she went through. I was questioning God as well with the Why? when everyone, it seemed, got pregnant during her time of grief and hurt. Every pregnancy seemed like a stab in the back.

Hope James Wilson said...

Thanks for sharing your heart...and, no, you are NOT the most depressing thing ever! If someone doesn't want to read your posts they don't have to, but I'm glad you choose to share with us. You write whatever helps you grieve & don't feel guilty about it! Praying & Hugs...

Julie said...

Why is the hardest question to answer. like others have said - your post is so perfectly written and so true to the grieving process. I'm approaching the 5 year anniversary of my loss, but the why question is still huge. Still praying for you and your aching heart.

boltefamily said...

Praying for you Trish...

I have been there...I will pray for peace for you so that you can be the friend that you undoubtedly want to be. It is so hard. I am so sorry

Laura said...

Praying for you...peace to your aching heart.

Anonymous said...

You do not know me, but I found your blog through A Little Slice of Heaven and He Will Carry Me.
I have been on both sides of this. I had 2 healthy children- now ages 11(girl) and 8 (boy). When I was pregnant with my first daughter, my sister was going through the adoption process after 14 years of marriage. After about 8 years of infertility treatment...they adopted a girl after waiting SO long, about 3 months before I had our daughter. They are truly like sisters and best friends! But I felt so guilty leading up to that- even though I knew she was happy for us- I knew it was painful! Then I found I was pregnant when my son was 2 , but I miscarried about 12 weeks along, and a year later miscarried again, around 6 weeks. The first miscarriage, I went to the Dr. and had an ultrasound that confirmed what I already knew- after just attending a funeral for someone my age. I then had to go to a wake for a classmate's identical twin boys, still born at full term, because of twin to twin transfusion. So I cried for them, but could not tell anyone what I was going through- it seemed so much worse for them ( and it really was) Seems like everyone was pregnant, and even though I knew I was lucky to have 2 healthy children, it didn't stop the hurt of losing those babies.
Then we had a healthy baby girl in 2004, after a scary first trimester- bleeding, etc. Sooo lucky to have her. I took progesterone supplements, and even though we did not have testing after the first 2, often wondered if I could have saved those pregnancies if the Dr. office would have checked my hormone levels- but since I had no trouble with my first 2 pregnancies, it was assumed it was a fluke.
So I was afraid to ever get pregnant again after all that, but I did- a bit of a surprise, and miscarried again. I truly could not bear to ever go through it again I thought, and was going to prevent any future pregnancies...
and along came our youngest daughter, born just this September, 2008. I know some friends going through miscarriages, and I know it was hard for them to see me pregnant too. I also had a friend lose her baby- just went in and no heartbeat around 14 weeks or so- and he was stillborn the same week our daughter was born. I see her twice a week when we pick up preschoolers- and one day I had to carry my brand new baby in the carseat to get our 4 yr.old, and someone who didn't know about this Mother's loss stopped me and was asking all the questions....when our baby was born, how much she weighed,how she was sleeping...etc- right next to the Mother who just lost her baby. My heart still bleeds for her! I tried to change the subject.. but how do you in that situation!
I find myself reading these blogs, and it reinforces the gratitude I have, and the healing I have come to know- but basically this is a long way to say that I think you and your friend will get through this- honesty is always the best!
Also I did not share the news of all of the miscarriages with our family and friends- thought it would be better- in some ways it was- because many people didn't know I was pregnant...but hard in others.. So I find myself still healing through these blogs and your honest feelings. It helps me remember what is truly important!
Thank you- and I pray for you all often!
There is a plan greater than we can control, and we don't always know why- but sometimes, we do learn why- my sister had a surprise pregnancy and gave birth to a healthy boy, now 7! They just were meant to adopt their daughter first, even though we will never understand why some people must go through so much pain!

Melissa Hollen said...

You have been on my mind so much for weeks now; I am in awe of you Trish! God has blessed me to have you in my life as a friend and sister in Christ-your strength inspires me and encourages me to push thru the difficulties that I face also in life with being a single mother and wondering Why? in different ways. My heart mourns for your loss, but as you know God works ALL things out for his glory. I think that writing and getting out feelings is so good for the soul, it helps people. I have Natalie Grant's CD and everytime I hear Held, I think of you. God promises to be there and to hold us thru our most painful times; I know from my own experience if I didn't have Him to cling to I wouldn't have made it thru. Our experience makes us stronger and it does grow our faith; I have a hard time with that sometimes, I want so much the dream He has put in my heart but I have to wait for Him to bring it in His time. We need to start that biblestudy soon, I will call your sis this week. I love you girl. I would like to try and get together soon I have a little something for you. Meilssa

Jessica Koeser said...

Just wanted to leave a note saying that I still read your blog, think about your little Max, and try to pray for you often. I know how what is so fresh to you as it was only 1 month yesterday) seems to fade in the lives of others, at least this is how it seemed after my sister died. It was when the cards and flowers stopped that reality set in. You are not alone and are still being lifted up to the Lord.

Verna said...

I am new to your blog, my name is Verna Friesen. I just watched you video of Maxson...how blessed you were to have seen his eyes and hear his cry!
prayers

Susie said...

Praying for you...