Since we started this road in August I have been going to God with why. Why us? Why my baby? Why, why, why? This hasn't been answered. This is where the faith has been learned, to have faith in something I cannot understand. And a deal that has mereeling with emotions that have driven me to question God's love for me. To say I haven't wondered if he really loves me would be a big fat lie. I do everyday. I fight the feeling of being abandoned and at times hated by God.
The faith I have, have now, is shaken but not broken. There is not an ounce of me that doesn't believe and love Jesus and have such a faith in God for saving us through Christ. But there are times when "why" just breaks me, actually at least everyday, at some point. It's probably part of the grieving process.
Now before you shut your laptop feeling I am just the most depressing thing ever...Everyday I feel I have had some ordeal happen that tears me apart about the loss we have to learn to live with. Sad, yes and seems unfair. ALSO, everyday something happens that can only be explained as God cares, he's here, this plan is his.
Writing through this right now is my way to find my way through these at times, blinding emotions, after writing some happenings they always seem to become clear. So for what I am going to write now...(deep breath) I will change the name (privacy).
But please know this is my dearest friend and she has been there for me and been a great support. I love her with all my heart. And through all the pain I feel in everything right now I am truly happy for her.
Well, yesterday I found out she is pregnant. Which when I heard hit me out of left field. Not that I didn't know it was possible but the last thing I expected was the emotions it stirred the following day, today. Right off the bat I felt my heart bleed.
Cameron (not a real name) I do feel genuinely happy for you, I know your gonna be a wonderful mom, one others will wish they had!! I just had to cross this bridge at some point. I'm not going to go into the sad emotions it drove up as I'm sure that's semi-understood. Another note, I am going to want to hear about all the moments you have through this pregnancy and I have some great books for you too. I hope this pain I have to go through doesn't bring down any of the joy you feel. Please know I just have to feel this. I haven't called as I hope this kills the awkwardness that would have been our conversation.
Now for the part where God answered the doubts all that came down on me. I opened this book my cousin gave me "Grieving the Child I never knew" and randomly read two parts, it was all I needed to feel comfort today.
"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in the mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all THINGS" Ecclesiastes 11:5
"Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." Matthew 10:29-31