I wanted to write today. I knew I wanted to write today weeks ago. Being that today is Christ's birthday and the original day for Maxson's birthday, I just knew it was fitting to write something.
I would be lying if I said I feel joyous and full of the Christmas spirit. This is the first post where I have no desire to cheer myself up through writing. I want to share my tears with you. If you have followed Max's blog you know I wanted him home today. More than anything I wanted him here, if just for today. The only outfit I bought after finding out about Maxson's future in August was a tiny Christmas outfit. And it kills me today that he didn't get to wear it. I hate that I have to feel this sad on a day that was meant and has always been meant for happiness.
An African Missionary told me a while ago that going through this allows me to empathize with what God went through by sacrificing his son for us. Because God went through this incredible pain, I am able to see and hold my son again. As usually this fact makes me feel better, today the cloud of what could have been just won't pass.
I pray that if I have future Christmas (not guarenteed tomorrow) celebrations I am able to feel the spirit of it all again. I pray that God will bless me with dreams of my sweet Son as I covet this so much right now. I pray that I am able to be a happy wife and daughter again. I pray for all the other moms in the same pain as myself today, my heart just drops thinking of them. I pray for strength for my husband and family. I need them to be strong! I pray that I can through this, actually that Max's life can show all of you how truly blessed we are to have a Saviour and to have the sacrifice God made, the free eternal gift.
Last night on the way to Christmas Eve Service I thought about how shortly after we found out about Maxson we met with the pastor of our church. It was before I started this blog. I told the pastor about this deep desire more like passion burning to share my son's life. I wanted his life to have meaning, for people to know he was here and know his name. I had some hope that Max's story and beautiful life would affect people. Now, I thank God as I do see and get to hear of some of the ways Max's life meant something to others and even made changes in some. So many love him and that means so much, I feel so blessed to feel the love people have for Maxson.
I will close with a thought, if I, being a sinful human wanted my son's life to mean something, for people to know him, and for his life to have a positive impact on others...how much more does God want Jesus's life to mean something to us. I don't just mearly want people to agree Max existed, I want people to love him and to know as much as possible about him. By this I now understand a little better God's deep desire for us to KNOW his son!!