Merry Christmas

I wanted to write today. I knew I wanted to write today weeks ago. Being that today is Christ's birthday and the original day for Maxson's birthday, I just knew it was fitting to write something.

I would be lying if I said I feel joyous and full of the Christmas spirit. This is the first post where I have no desire to cheer myself up through writing. I want to share my tears with you. If you have followed Max's blog you know I wanted him home today. More than anything I wanted him here, if just for today. The only outfit I bought after finding out about Maxson's future in August was a tiny Christmas outfit. And it kills me today that he didn't get to wear it. I hate that I have to feel this sad on a day that was meant and has always been meant for happiness.

An African Missionary told me a while ago that going through this allows me to empathize with what God went through by sacrificing his son for us. Because God went through this incredible pain, I am able to see and hold my son again. As usually this fact makes me feel better, today the cloud of what could have been just won't pass.

I pray that if I have future Christmas (not guarenteed tomorrow) celebrations I am able to feel the spirit of it all again. I pray that God will bless me with dreams of my sweet Son as I covet this so much right now. I pray that I am able to be a happy wife and daughter again. I pray for all the other moms in the same pain as myself today, my heart just drops thinking of them. I pray for strength for my husband and family. I need them to be strong! I pray that I can through this, actually that Max's life can show all of you how truly blessed we are to have a Saviour and to have the sacrifice God made, the free eternal gift.

Last night on the way to Christmas Eve Service I thought about how shortly after we found out about Maxson we met with the pastor of our church. It was before I started this blog. I told the pastor about this deep desire more like passion burning to share my son's life. I wanted his life to have meaning, for people to know he was here and know his name. I had some hope that Max's story and beautiful life would affect people. Now, I thank God as I do see and get to hear of some of the ways Max's life meant something to others and even made changes in some. So many love him and that means so much, I feel so blessed to feel the love people have for Maxson.

I will close with a thought, if I, being a sinful human wanted my son's life to mean something, for people to know him, and for his life to have a positive impact on others...how much more does God want Jesus's life to mean something to us. I don't just mearly want people to agree Max existed, I want people to love him and to know as much as possible about him. By this I now understand a little better God's deep desire for us to KNOW his son!!

Merry Christmas,

Max's Mommy


Laurie in Ca. said...

This is such a beautiful post Trish. My heart is heavy for your heart today as you miss your Maxson so much. His life has weight and purpose and he is loved. And it is So Okay with God that the cheery desire is not there this year. He understands your pain sweet friend. The cloud WILL lift, but not today and maybe not for a long time to come, but God is right there with you. He is the Lifter of your heart and will be the lifter of the cloud. I am praying for you today that your heart will feel the hope and joy that is waiting for you to catch your breath. And you will, just not today. Maxson is still so fresh out of your arms and into Gods arms. Have a rest filled day and know God loves you. My heart is with you today.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Jackie said...

Dear Trish and Dustin,
I have followed your blog since I heard of your story from my daughter at MHC. Many prayers have been said for you. Your little Maxson will be remembered as an everlasting blessing though he was here such a short time. Your faith is inspiring and I know God will be there and help you beyond the sadness. Your little angel will be watching over you and your story will help so many others who deal with the loss of a child. I will keep you in prayer and never forget the story of the brave little boy you love so much.
Sincerely, Jackie Overom

Anonymous said...

I wanted you to know I am thinking about you today, as I have been every day since Max was born. I am constantly amazed by your writing, how you are able to put your feelings and thoughts into words. Merry Christmas to you and your family. May God fill your hearts with his love, peace and joy this and every day to come.
Amy Jorgenson RN

Laura said...

Thinking of you today....praying for you.

Rebecca Jo said...

My heart is so heavy for you today.... I know its had to be a hard holiday... but know that future Christmases will come & will bring joy again!

Anonymous said...

I think about you so often, and your strength amazes me. My heart just aches for you and what you have gone through. I somehow feel I should "do" something, yet know there is nothing I can "do." Just know that your story has somehow made me more aware of the important things in life, the little things that mean so much that we often take for granted. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Anonymous said...

I learned of your blog from another mom who had a loss and I have been following since before Maxson's birth. I knew I wanted to check in on your Christmas post because I can only imagine what this day must be like for you. Your son has touched my life. I am sure he has touched many lives but only a few people take the time to post comments because we want to make sure we say the right thing (maybe there is no such "right thing).

Thinking of you and your family and Maxson.

Susan said...

Thinking of you today and thought I'd check in to see how your Christmas went. Your writings are beautiful and from the heart, and this one, once again, really made me think.

I am so sorry that Max didn't get to share Christmas at home with you, but your lucky little guy, he is at home with our Saviour. I know it's not as you hoped, and again all I can say is I'm sorry...
God Bless You today and always.

I pray that Gods immense blessings will be upon you in the New Year.

God Bless.
Susan in Indiana

Anonymous said...

My heart aches for you. I hope you find peace in the new year. Your son taught me how precious life is and I do not take my kids for granted anymore.

with love

Open your Eyes. said...

Even though he was not here physically to share this Christmas with you. I believe, wholeheartedly, you were making memories for him to watch over. xxx.

Hope Wilson said...

Beautifully written...powerful & thought-provoking. Thank you for sharing with us. I feel blessed to be reminded of the "true" meaning of our life while on earth through reading your thoughts of Max's precious life & then being taken away. I hope that makes sense :) Blessings to you...

cancersucks said...

You give me strength and help me to lean on God for my problems, too. I just lost a second friend from Gilda's club to cancer. She left behind four children. You help me to have faith in my heart. God bless and thank you. I know in time you will be all the things you are wanting to be again. I pray for peace for you and your family. Love, Tamara

Anonymous said...

hey trisha it sara albrecht(brackett) as i read your blog it breaks my heart a flood of memories come back to me about a year and a half ago we had a baby with anencephely. she would be a year old this month. i remember being so sad i physically hurt and really had no urge to even get out of bed! im so sorry for your loss and i love your amazing faith in god i would have never made it through our loss with out strength from the lord and knowing that he has a plan for our family. i have an amazing book i got from a bible book store right after i had found out about our little girl i would love to get it to you. i will pray for god to give your strength and peace. sincerly sara albrecht

Anonymous said...

I miss Maxson so much. I have daydreams of his sweet smile. I pray that the Holy Spirit will carry you today. I love you. K

Jess said...

This is so insightful it's almost alarming :) We are strong women, Trish! I am certain our boys are very, very proud of their tough mommies.

Erica said...

I just wanted to tell you how beautiful this post was. I pray that you find the peace you need to make next christmas joyous. This Christmas was hard for us too as all I could think about was our little girl should be here, wearing her christmas dress and sharing the joy of Christ's birthday with us (I found your blog today) My warm heart hugs sent to you mama.

Jessica said...

Just stumbled upon your blog this morning and have literally been reading it for hours to get caught up on Maxson's story. I want you to know how much your blog touched me and gave me hope during a difficult time. I can't imagine what you have gone through but am so comforted by your faith in God.

God new I needed to find your blog this morning. He knew I needed to read your words. AMAZING!!!

We have lost three pregnancies, a single, twins, and a single. After we lost our fourth baby, we decided to turn to domestic adoption. Our first baby was due on Dec. 25, 2008. I gather this was Maxson's due date, as well. I would think this was ironic...but again I think God knew what he was doing.

Our amazing birth mom we met at just 16 weeks of her pregnancy decided to parent her baby girl at about 37 weeks. So, we went back on the list at our agency and waited to be matched again. We were matched again and our baby girl was due on March 4. This birth mom also chose to parent.

Now, we have been matched with the most precious birth mom that is due any day. We are hopeful that this baby will be the boy God intended us to raise. I keep waiting for our story to make sense and know that it will one day. I have loved every child deeply and know they have made us who we are.

I pray God continues to give you strength and, again, thank you for sharing Maxson's story.