So I am obviously horrible at keeping Max's blog up to date. I have been so crazy busy and for quite a while I have had night sickness. Entering my second trimester has relieved much of that though. And yes you read that correctly we are expecting!!!
Very happy, excited, blessed, and most of all God has been so close. The fear that I would have expected and had the last pregnancy is small, most of the time I am so present in the present I have no worry, no fear. And when it has crept in Jesus has made it clear to 'knock it off'.
We did know about the pregnancy before we accepted the girls. We prayed about it and took into consideration the costs and time, we know we have been blessed to give both. Dustin works from home and I can work from home with a majority of my hours, my photography and other work is mainly home based. So we made the choice if God's plan is to bring those girls to the states we will have our hearts and home open to them.
Where is that right now?
Well there is still people working tirelessly to get the girls to the states. So it may still happen, we have faith and pray for God's will. I do think about the other side; what if the girls come here and then have to leave, is it a positive thing for them then? That is why I pray for God's will, I don't know what is best for them. Regardless of what happens I know I will make sure to be a part of Jesumine and Marie's life even if it is from a distance. We have done the paperwork, now it is in God's hands and that's where it's at. So please pray for all the children of Haiti, it is not a country any child would pick to be born, it can be a tragic life and now in the aftermath of the earthquake it will be even worse.
My dear friend Katie is over in Haiti working right now for Star of Hope. She has a blog that has some great stories of the people from Haiti. She has such a heart for the Haitians as she has been there on Mission trips, I think about 5 times before the earthquake. I love reading the stories she shares and also look forward to seeing any pictures she shares.
So back to the news...
We are praying and really enjoying Maxson's lil bro/sis...There have been some moments that have been bittersweet, already. Sometimes just the memories that come back from being pregnant with Max. Sometimes just that I am excited and already loving a baby that isn't Max. In all the joy it is okay to have some sadness it truly makes my heart melt in a different type of way I ever felt before when I was pregnant.
I did have a rough start and after day 90 of being nauseated and throwing up I was trying to focus on how thankful I was to be pregnant...ha ha, it was rough but I am feeling better. All worth it.
Anyway, sorry for my absence I am going to try and write more. Not only do I enjoy writing I enjoy being connected to many of you out there that I think of often and pray for. I will write soon.
with love,
Trish
4.12.2010
2.19.2010
CHANGES
I don't even know how to put this out there with out you having to re read it and probably say to yourself 'what', but I am going to try.
I know that my plan for my life is not what God's plans are for my life, so how this came up and how this unfolded to us is completely in His hands. Shortly after the quake in Haiti my heart was bleeding for the orphans and that led me into looking into adoption. Well, that turned out to be pretty much impossible because the stipulations the waiting and the cost was all way over our heads. So I laid it to rest for the future, but with my heart now open to the thought God stepped in. Later that week I got a call from a dear friend that works at a nonprofit Star of Hope who was working with Haitiloveandfaith Girls home, she told me about how they were trying to get the orphans over from Haiti into temporary care with a possibility for adoption. I told her I was interested and she referred Dust and I. That was about a month ago or just over. Now we are filling out paperwork for the girls visas, waiting, and praying to meet Jesumine who is 10 and her sister Marie France who is 7. This is going to be a radical change in the Hagen household, but we feel God leading us and see the beauty of His provision. This is not a for sure deal, it has a high probability and if it happens it will be several months until they are with us. I will continue to do my photography and on another note, I am not serving anymore but am starting at our Church next week as a publications assistant. So to say my time will be stretched is an understatement. Part time at the church, plus 5 weddings booked, plus two girls that need so much love and support, all I can say is please pray for us.
We miss Max all the time but I can honestly say I don't believe my heart would be open to something like this without Max, he still is making a difference here.
Please check out the links above to the orphanage and to Star of Hope, if you are looking for good reputable places to donate to there is two, I have seen so much corruption going on with charities and it makes it scary to give these two have their hearts in the right place.
With all of these changes possibly coming I can't help but to step back and be in awe of our God. Below is pictures of the girls they were taken about a year ago.
I know that my plan for my life is not what God's plans are for my life, so how this came up and how this unfolded to us is completely in His hands. Shortly after the quake in Haiti my heart was bleeding for the orphans and that led me into looking into adoption. Well, that turned out to be pretty much impossible because the stipulations the waiting and the cost was all way over our heads. So I laid it to rest for the future, but with my heart now open to the thought God stepped in. Later that week I got a call from a dear friend that works at a nonprofit Star of Hope who was working with Haitiloveandfaith Girls home, she told me about how they were trying to get the orphans over from Haiti into temporary care with a possibility for adoption. I told her I was interested and she referred Dust and I. That was about a month ago or just over. Now we are filling out paperwork for the girls visas, waiting, and praying to meet Jesumine who is 10 and her sister Marie France who is 7. This is going to be a radical change in the Hagen household, but we feel God leading us and see the beauty of His provision. This is not a for sure deal, it has a high probability and if it happens it will be several months until they are with us. I will continue to do my photography and on another note, I am not serving anymore but am starting at our Church next week as a publications assistant. So to say my time will be stretched is an understatement. Part time at the church, plus 5 weddings booked, plus two girls that need so much love and support, all I can say is please pray for us.
We miss Max all the time but I can honestly say I don't believe my heart would be open to something like this without Max, he still is making a difference here.
Please check out the links above to the orphanage and to Star of Hope, if you are looking for good reputable places to donate to there is two, I have seen so much corruption going on with charities and it makes it scary to give these two have their hearts in the right place.
With all of these changes possibly coming I can't help but to step back and be in awe of our God. Below is pictures of the girls they were taken about a year ago.
1.07.2010
Max's Birthday, Christmas, 2010, and more
First sorry about the Christmas post, yes it was an accident I wasn't trying to sound melodramatic or make you wonder for my sanity, I really started it and had to stop and didn't know I posted. That was until I started receiving some comments and emails, so sorry to have been short on words actually I have been short on time. I just finished designing a catalog for the company I work for and that took me some time, we traveled to MN for Dust's meetings and some friend time, then back MN for Christmas, so not too much time in between there.
Well Christmas came and went with a sigh of relief from me and I'm sure a whole lot of others out there grieving someone. I did put a stocking up for Maxson with his name on it, but other than that he wasn't really mentioned by any family over the holidays. Sounds like that bothers me, huh? But honestly it doesn't, I get it, it sucks to bring it up to know when to say when not to say, just easier to not say anything. Out of word out of mind (yes, I know that's not how it goes)and that works, for everyone but me. Anyhow, that's not what hurts the most, Maxson just not being here does, so I try to keep my pain in check. After all misdirected anger and pain just causes me more grief, just one of the many lessons taken over the past year. Speaking of the past year, really a year? It went by with out me realizing it. Thinking about it now I realize the first quarter of the year was spent in this grief fog, where time doesn't stand for much cause everyday it was just more of the same in just a different way, if that makes any sense. The second quarter I was trying to be me again, up and down roller coaster, who was that girl? Second quarter I was angry, man I was mad for a while. Some days I said "nope God no more let me out of this story, I quit". I had a horrible time being able to be in church without wanting to storm out or get up and tell the pastor a thing or two. Maybe it was delayed hormones I don't know. I came through that quarter with hope... somehow, I do get that the way things work, is above my understanding, as repeated in the Bible!! Sure, okay... hope led me to trying fertility again, second try and bam I was pregnant (bam is so far from the way pregnancy works in my world). Hope led me to miscarry, and thus began the cycle of everything again in a much quicker fashion. Last quarter was a repeat of the first two all jumbled up in one agonizing recap . With all that in 2009 I really want to have finish with some great wisdom from the year, some great new confidence, some wonderful feelings of hope, just something that will allow me to swallow everything a bit easier. So here is what I can reflect on:
ONE: I can sing with anger...umm better I can praise with anger. If you think this is no great feat then you have no idea what being mad at our Creator feels like.
TWO: I want to give to others for reasons I didn't before. I gave in the past but now I want to give for reasons that don't have anything to do with me. It has always felt great to give, sometimes I wonder if that's why I did. Now when I give all I can think about is how to carry someones load in any small way. To make it easier for them is now the key.
THREE: Trust in God. Hm mm I know I said I learned this through Max and I did but if you know me, I tend to have to learn things again and again, I'm not stupid just stubborn. His plan has been a hard pill to swallow the past four years, my life resembles nothing of how I would have painted this picture. But that is the point I AM NOT PAINTING THIS PICTURE! That is when trust becomes much easier to feel, His Plan feels a whole lot better to trust Him.
FOUR: God does not hate me. Well the evidence may be to contrary in this I believe; "Jesus loves me this I know"! How I got here...that road was too long to tell.
FIVE: God has truly given me some wonderful blessings. An amazing husband and at times the grace to see that he is, a warm home, food; usually whatever I feel in the mood to eat, a country where I can talk someones ear off about Jesus and not be arrested (I did not do that at my work Christmas party, wink, wink), a family who loves God and is not broken, friends and more friends, a dog who I love more every year. a son who I do get to meet again one day and that will be for, FOREVER, work that I love and some that I don't (the don't usually makes more money at the time), the desire to carry another child, with everything that I have come through sometimes I think I am insane to want to keep going, without the desire to raise a child I wouldn't be forging ahead...medically that is.
SIX: Grace. God has really given me so much that now I feel it is easier for me to give grace.
SEVEN: NO understanding. HA ha yes you read that correctly, I don't understand why everything has happened this year and why, and I am OKAY with not understanding. Yes this will be a lesson I have to learn over and over. I have heard a lot of people in the last year try to explain how God works or doesn't work. God is punishing...hmm really I can't swallow our God punishing many fine women I know with losing their children. If this is true I can point out many more who should have lost their children too. And really if God is love, really? That one bugs me.
Another one has been; God is not in this sinful world He doesn't have any control or say, you know freewill?... okay well I have been down to the bottom and when your down there and you make it out, you can NEVER say God is not in control. When you carry a life that is not made to stay here you get it, He has control. When you hand over your baby's physical body to a man you have never met knowing that your baby is now really not here you get it, He is in control. 'It' is just a feeling, I feel at my lowest, but a feeling that tells me I know He is. Alright so with both those very popular theories out, here is mine, coming through 2009 I don't understand. NO UNDERSTANDING as simple as that, we don't know how God works and we can't put His ways in a box and say, "see this is why this happened". Do I think God has taught me through this? sure. Do I think He has not stepped in? Duh. Do I think He has punished me? No. Guided me, directed me, tested me, disciplined me, of course He loves me, but is that why all this hardship has been going on? I don't think so cause really it may have nothing to even do with me.
EIGHT: CONT. from above. All bad that happens to me really is not all about me. I pray Maxson or my journey may place a seed in someone out there. A seed that eventually satisfies someones soul and thus adding another life to heaven. I do believe that is the most important matter here on earth.
NINE: When to pray and how. I am not saying I have learned when to pray and how, well I am a little. I know to get on my knees sometimes, I know sometimes the hardest prayers are the truest. After I miscarried I went into a severe downward spiral, I didn't pray...I couldn't pray I told God I was done praying. I physically felt I was pulling my heart along that is how heavy it felt. I told God I was done. At some point I began praying not in a typical way I am too stubborn for that. More like asking, complaining, yelling at God. Prayers like, "This is what you give when your children ask, you might as well have given me a snake. If you hate me fine hate me I will deal with it. You know my heart you know I love you and everything seems as though you hate me", Those words along with many other negative words were my prayers for a long time. I wasn't even admitting this was prayer cause that was how angry I was. Eventually God gave me Grace and I pulled through this time with the same and may be a bit stronger faith than when I entered. Looking back I realize I have learned how to pray better because 'when' is not in play any longer. I don't have to be in bed or at the table or even in church, I don't necessarily have to be on my knees. I have a prayer life now that is some days close to an all day prayer of being still and of words of both positive and negative.
TEN: It is 2010, I am alive and the grief over losing my son is still here but I laugh, I enjoy moments, I cry, I have hope for 2010, I can say 2009 wasn't with out gain.
with love,
Trish
Oh yeah,
I will post soon on Max's birthday I am just waiting to get the pictures of his cake back from my sister. It was a day that I expected to be pretty painful but wasn't. I cried a little but it wasn't agony like the days leading up to it. So thanks for the prayers and warm wishes on Max's day it all helped. FYI my grandma went to heaven the 4th, Maxson was born and left us the 5th, my sister Stephanie went to heaven the 3rd. December is the time to enter Heaven for our family funny how that has worked. Oh and my grandpa died on Christmas eve, see?
Well Christmas came and went with a sigh of relief from me and I'm sure a whole lot of others out there grieving someone. I did put a stocking up for Maxson with his name on it, but other than that he wasn't really mentioned by any family over the holidays. Sounds like that bothers me, huh? But honestly it doesn't, I get it, it sucks to bring it up to know when to say when not to say, just easier to not say anything. Out of word out of mind (yes, I know that's not how it goes)and that works, for everyone but me. Anyhow, that's not what hurts the most, Maxson just not being here does, so I try to keep my pain in check. After all misdirected anger and pain just causes me more grief, just one of the many lessons taken over the past year. Speaking of the past year, really a year? It went by with out me realizing it. Thinking about it now I realize the first quarter of the year was spent in this grief fog, where time doesn't stand for much cause everyday it was just more of the same in just a different way, if that makes any sense. The second quarter I was trying to be me again, up and down roller coaster, who was that girl? Second quarter I was angry, man I was mad for a while. Some days I said "nope God no more let me out of this story, I quit". I had a horrible time being able to be in church without wanting to storm out or get up and tell the pastor a thing or two. Maybe it was delayed hormones I don't know. I came through that quarter with hope... somehow, I do get that the way things work, is above my understanding, as repeated in the Bible!! Sure, okay... hope led me to trying fertility again, second try and bam I was pregnant (bam is so far from the way pregnancy works in my world). Hope led me to miscarry, and thus began the cycle of everything again in a much quicker fashion. Last quarter was a repeat of the first two all jumbled up in one agonizing recap . With all that in 2009 I really want to have finish with some great wisdom from the year, some great new confidence, some wonderful feelings of hope, just something that will allow me to swallow everything a bit easier. So here is what I can reflect on:
ONE: I can sing with anger...umm better I can praise with anger. If you think this is no great feat then you have no idea what being mad at our Creator feels like.
TWO: I want to give to others for reasons I didn't before. I gave in the past but now I want to give for reasons that don't have anything to do with me. It has always felt great to give, sometimes I wonder if that's why I did. Now when I give all I can think about is how to carry someones load in any small way. To make it easier for them is now the key.
THREE: Trust in God. Hm mm I know I said I learned this through Max and I did but if you know me, I tend to have to learn things again and again, I'm not stupid just stubborn. His plan has been a hard pill to swallow the past four years, my life resembles nothing of how I would have painted this picture. But that is the point I AM NOT PAINTING THIS PICTURE! That is when trust becomes much easier to feel, His Plan feels a whole lot better to trust Him.
FOUR: God does not hate me. Well the evidence may be to contrary in this I believe; "Jesus loves me this I know"! How I got here...that road was too long to tell.
FIVE: God has truly given me some wonderful blessings. An amazing husband and at times the grace to see that he is, a warm home, food; usually whatever I feel in the mood to eat, a country where I can talk someones ear off about Jesus and not be arrested (I did not do that at my work Christmas party, wink, wink), a family who loves God and is not broken, friends and more friends, a dog who I love more every year. a son who I do get to meet again one day and that will be for, FOREVER, work that I love and some that I don't (the don't usually makes more money at the time), the desire to carry another child, with everything that I have come through sometimes I think I am insane to want to keep going, without the desire to raise a child I wouldn't be forging ahead...medically that is.
SIX: Grace. God has really given me so much that now I feel it is easier for me to give grace.
SEVEN: NO understanding. HA ha yes you read that correctly, I don't understand why everything has happened this year and why, and I am OKAY with not understanding. Yes this will be a lesson I have to learn over and over. I have heard a lot of people in the last year try to explain how God works or doesn't work. God is punishing...hmm really I can't swallow our God punishing many fine women I know with losing their children. If this is true I can point out many more who should have lost their children too. And really if God is love, really? That one bugs me.
Another one has been; God is not in this sinful world He doesn't have any control or say, you know freewill?... okay well I have been down to the bottom and when your down there and you make it out, you can NEVER say God is not in control. When you carry a life that is not made to stay here you get it, He has control. When you hand over your baby's physical body to a man you have never met knowing that your baby is now really not here you get it, He is in control. 'It' is just a feeling, I feel at my lowest, but a feeling that tells me I know He is. Alright so with both those very popular theories out, here is mine, coming through 2009 I don't understand. NO UNDERSTANDING as simple as that, we don't know how God works and we can't put His ways in a box and say, "see this is why this happened". Do I think God has taught me through this? sure. Do I think He has not stepped in? Duh. Do I think He has punished me? No. Guided me, directed me, tested me, disciplined me, of course He loves me, but is that why all this hardship has been going on? I don't think so cause really it may have nothing to even do with me.
EIGHT: CONT. from above. All bad that happens to me really is not all about me. I pray Maxson or my journey may place a seed in someone out there. A seed that eventually satisfies someones soul and thus adding another life to heaven. I do believe that is the most important matter here on earth.
NINE: When to pray and how. I am not saying I have learned when to pray and how, well I am a little. I know to get on my knees sometimes, I know sometimes the hardest prayers are the truest. After I miscarried I went into a severe downward spiral, I didn't pray...I couldn't pray I told God I was done praying. I physically felt I was pulling my heart along that is how heavy it felt. I told God I was done. At some point I began praying not in a typical way I am too stubborn for that. More like asking, complaining, yelling at God. Prayers like, "This is what you give when your children ask, you might as well have given me a snake. If you hate me fine hate me I will deal with it. You know my heart you know I love you and everything seems as though you hate me", Those words along with many other negative words were my prayers for a long time. I wasn't even admitting this was prayer cause that was how angry I was. Eventually God gave me Grace and I pulled through this time with the same and may be a bit stronger faith than when I entered. Looking back I realize I have learned how to pray better because 'when' is not in play any longer. I don't have to be in bed or at the table or even in church, I don't necessarily have to be on my knees. I have a prayer life now that is some days close to an all day prayer of being still and of words of both positive and negative.
TEN: It is 2010, I am alive and the grief over losing my son is still here but I laugh, I enjoy moments, I cry, I have hope for 2010, I can say 2009 wasn't with out gain.
with love,
Trish
Oh yeah,
I will post soon on Max's birthday I am just waiting to get the pictures of his cake back from my sister. It was a day that I expected to be pretty painful but wasn't. I cried a little but it wasn't agony like the days leading up to it. So thanks for the prayers and warm wishes on Max's day it all helped. FYI my grandma went to heaven the 4th, Maxson was born and left us the 5th, my sister Stephanie went to heaven the 3rd. December is the time to enter Heaven for our family funny how that has worked. Oh and my grandpa died on Christmas eve, see?
12.21.2009
12.04.2009
Happy Birthday Maxson!
I can't believe it has been a year. I was telling Dustin tonight that days after Max passed I was almost wishing for time to pass to be a year ahead and then thinking the pain would be less. Sadly, that is not the way it is right now. Tonight at 8:30 my grandma joined Maxson in Heaven she couldn't wait I guess to spend his homecoming with him. I am happy for my grandma she lived a full life and I know was excited to be reunited with her husband and so many others that went before her. She was a wonderful woman, a woman that I am sure was told well done my good and faithful servant! That is why the only sadness I feel is the absence of her in days to come. There is small part of me that is jealous of her, I mean getting to be with Max tomorrow in all!
Dustin and I plan to finally watch his video in its entirety tomorrow, we plan on eating this beautiful cake we had made for his birthday, and we plan on trying our hardest to remember how great it was through all the pain we feel. Maxson changed our lives, and how badly do I want to just think on what this day was supposed to look like, but I know that is not what I should do. Maxson Linwood lived his few hours in my arms but he also lived many hours right under my heart, and for that I will do my best tomorrow to celebrate cause his life is so so special to us and I know to you.
Now, I thank you for all your responses to my previous post, it really helped to be able to pray for others out there in way that felt so true every night I laid my head down, and also it was comforting to learn about you. I know I have some questions to answer from the post so here we go:
Are you working?
Yes, I am serving...still. I am also working for a SVP multimedia which is very rewarding and helping me to further my career in video and photography. I work anywhere from 15-30 hours a week for SVP and serve 8-15 hours a week. It all keeps me busy and that is a healthy place to be in.
How is the photography coming along?
It is going very well it has helped to have a new and exciting experience in my work and has allowed me to be able to find another creative outlet. svpmultimedia.com if you go there you will find a link to my very basic website at the time.
Last but not least my favorite picture of Maxson...
He was looking at me. Well I know a new born can't see far but the direction of his stare was toward Dust and I.
Again, I have been praying for you out there and thank you again for your prayers. I just want you to know I couldn't have gone through this year without the support of you all.
Maxson,
I hope heaven gives you a homecoming party better than a birthday party here. I hope you can feel my love and know my longing for you. Dustin and I love you and talk about how much we wish we could be there with you. You changed our lives and we only felt like we just grazed your life. We hope to be able to tell your brother or sister about you someday and we look forward to the day when we hold you again.
Love you so so much,
Mommy & Daddy
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Dustin and I plan to finally watch his video in its entirety tomorrow, we plan on eating this beautiful cake we had made for his birthday, and we plan on trying our hardest to remember how great it was through all the pain we feel. Maxson changed our lives, and how badly do I want to just think on what this day was supposed to look like, but I know that is not what I should do. Maxson Linwood lived his few hours in my arms but he also lived many hours right under my heart, and for that I will do my best tomorrow to celebrate cause his life is so so special to us and I know to you.
Now, I thank you for all your responses to my previous post, it really helped to be able to pray for others out there in way that felt so true every night I laid my head down, and also it was comforting to learn about you. I know I have some questions to answer from the post so here we go:
Are you working?
Yes, I am serving...still. I am also working for a SVP multimedia which is very rewarding and helping me to further my career in video and photography. I work anywhere from 15-30 hours a week for SVP and serve 8-15 hours a week. It all keeps me busy and that is a healthy place to be in.
How is the photography coming along?
It is going very well it has helped to have a new and exciting experience in my work and has allowed me to be able to find another creative outlet. svpmultimedia.com if you go there you will find a link to my very basic website at the time.
Last but not least my favorite picture of Maxson...
He was looking at me. Well I know a new born can't see far but the direction of his stare was toward Dust and I.
Again, I have been praying for you out there and thank you again for your prayers. I just want you to know I couldn't have gone through this year without the support of you all.
Maxson,
I hope heaven gives you a homecoming party better than a birthday party here. I hope you can feel my love and know my longing for you. Dustin and I love you and talk about how much we wish we could be there with you. You changed our lives and we only felt like we just grazed your life. We hope to be able to tell your brother or sister about you someday and we look forward to the day when we hold you again.
Love you so so much,
Mommy & Daddy
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
11.17.2009
writers block...how about you?
Still alive, and doing alright.
I have been busy with work and mostly with design which I enjoy doing but it really drains me from being able to think creatively in any other area, for a while anyway. So writing has been on the back burner on here and in my journal. I know Maxson's year is coming and to be honest that is another area that expressing how I have been feeling is difficult. All I can say is there is days that I feel the same pain I did on day number two, plus the times when I see somebody in the mirror or by my actions that is not the girl I used to be. I feel like family and friends probably have been seeing this for a while but my eyes have just been opened to it and it makes me sad. By my thoughts and feelings I have had hard time fighting through sometimes to just find me. So now I want to just turn the tables, please lend me your thoughts and writings in absence of mine.
Please answer any or all of the questions below and if you have a question for me I will do my best to answer.
How has Maxson's life impacted yours?
What are three of the greatest blessings you have ever received?
What is the biggest challenge you have ever been faced with and how did you deal?
Do you believe Jesus Christ is our Savior?
Can you give me any ideas on how to celebrate Maxson's first birthday?
Can you please tell me if you remember what you were doing on December 5, 2008 (The day Maxson was born and shared a brief life here with us)?
Any advice for me in any are of my life?
Can I pray for you in any way?
Alright now, if you wish to remain anonymous that is fine, if you only want to answer or can only think to answer one question that is fine too. I just please ask to refrain from any real offensive language or thoughts. By this I mean don't swear and don't belittle others.
I really want to learn more about you who read, only fair right as you all know enough this way. I also would love to be inspired through your words -as mine is just BLOCKED!
with love,
Trish
I have been busy with work and mostly with design which I enjoy doing but it really drains me from being able to think creatively in any other area, for a while anyway. So writing has been on the back burner on here and in my journal. I know Maxson's year is coming and to be honest that is another area that expressing how I have been feeling is difficult. All I can say is there is days that I feel the same pain I did on day number two, plus the times when I see somebody in the mirror or by my actions that is not the girl I used to be. I feel like family and friends probably have been seeing this for a while but my eyes have just been opened to it and it makes me sad. By my thoughts and feelings I have had hard time fighting through sometimes to just find me. So now I want to just turn the tables, please lend me your thoughts and writings in absence of mine.
Please answer any or all of the questions below and if you have a question for me I will do my best to answer.
How has Maxson's life impacted yours?
What are three of the greatest blessings you have ever received?
What is the biggest challenge you have ever been faced with and how did you deal?
Do you believe Jesus Christ is our Savior?
Can you give me any ideas on how to celebrate Maxson's first birthday?
Can you please tell me if you remember what you were doing on December 5, 2008 (The day Maxson was born and shared a brief life here with us)?
Any advice for me in any are of my life?
Can I pray for you in any way?
Alright now, if you wish to remain anonymous that is fine, if you only want to answer or can only think to answer one question that is fine too. I just please ask to refrain from any real offensive language or thoughts. By this I mean don't swear and don't belittle others.
I really want to learn more about you who read, only fair right as you all know enough this way. I also would love to be inspired through your words -as mine is just BLOCKED!
with love,
Trish
10.16.2009
Layers of Life
Thank you all so much for praying for us and for not giving me a mouth full for my negative outlook. I have a much more settled spirit this week and my faith is there.
Now, I am really trying to get to the place where I can be of help to my little sister who found out she was three months pregnant a week before we miscarried. Right now I am trying to get past all of the negative emotions it stirs up inside of me. She will be a single mom and needs the help and support of family but putting aside my own hurt over the deal is something I can not do on my own. I was game to be there when I thought we would be there together but now to put on a face of support when it all seems so not right...is just plain difficult to do. She is a 21 year old girl who is just trying to learn to take care of herself and now she is on a road she didn't want or plan for and then here we are spending 4 years, countless tears, prayers, money, and heartache with still no joy in near sight. It just doesn't fit...I knew "such is life" before but it is so different actually living out "such is life". The layer of this part of my life has been an unexpected journey that I find to be at times down right dark to walk through. So once again I ask for your prayers in this area. I love my sister and don't want her to feel any of the pain it causes inside of me also I want to be able to enjoy this new life without the sting...please pray.
On some brighter note, I am trying to advance my job skills by adding photography to the mix. I will hopefully be making an actual income in the next six months or so. I have put together a cheesy blog to share my photography work , feel free to check it out. We also our still trying to put this ancient house together, which shows its age everywhere. We did finish the bathroom which looks pretty amazing. It is a very good thing to have a handy husband!
Now, I am really trying to get to the place where I can be of help to my little sister who found out she was three months pregnant a week before we miscarried. Right now I am trying to get past all of the negative emotions it stirs up inside of me. She will be a single mom and needs the help and support of family but putting aside my own hurt over the deal is something I can not do on my own. I was game to be there when I thought we would be there together but now to put on a face of support when it all seems so not right...is just plain difficult to do. She is a 21 year old girl who is just trying to learn to take care of herself and now she is on a road she didn't want or plan for and then here we are spending 4 years, countless tears, prayers, money, and heartache with still no joy in near sight. It just doesn't fit...I knew "such is life" before but it is so different actually living out "such is life". The layer of this part of my life has been an unexpected journey that I find to be at times down right dark to walk through. So once again I ask for your prayers in this area. I love my sister and don't want her to feel any of the pain it causes inside of me also I want to be able to enjoy this new life without the sting...please pray.
On some brighter note, I am trying to advance my job skills by adding photography to the mix. I will hopefully be making an actual income in the next six months or so. I have put together a cheesy blog to share my photography work , feel free to check it out. We also our still trying to put this ancient house together, which shows its age everywhere. We did finish the bathroom which looks pretty amazing. It is a very good thing to have a handy husband!
10.05.2009
10 months and 7 weeks
I know I have been blogger AWOL for quite some time now. Really it has been quite a road...most of the time I just didn't have the words, other times I couldn't bring myself to post.
I have such a heavy heart. Today is Maxson's 10 month birthday and today I also lost a new life. I went to the doctor this morning to find no heartbeat so I was sent home with some medicine to induce a miscarriage. I know your probably thinking "what, you were pregnant?", yes I was, 7 weeks along I was holding out to give the good news at least until I was 8 weeks. The past months since my post I have went through with two fertility treatments. The second one rendering our hopes! So today is a double dose of pain, I would be lying if I said I was not really struggling with my faith right now. With the loss landing on Max's day and the reality that I feel my fervent, faithful, and hopeful prayers were denied has me spinning in a deep sense of abandonment. I really want to ask for prayers right now, but honestly my bitterness is making that request laced with too much anger and pain. I know I am not immune from heartache, but just the circumstances of it all make it seem like salt on a wound. All in God's timing seems a bit cruel today.
I am so sorry I wanted so bad to bring some joyful news and now I just need to write. I need to ease the weight of this pain. I miss Maxson so much I miss stuff about Max that I never even experienced. I believe the baby I lost today never had a heartbeat, it hurts but for such a different reason. We will try again. I know we will not give up, I am knocked down and my faith is shaken but He will pick me up again...that's all I can hold on to right now.
I have such a heavy heart. Today is Maxson's 10 month birthday and today I also lost a new life. I went to the doctor this morning to find no heartbeat so I was sent home with some medicine to induce a miscarriage. I know your probably thinking "what, you were pregnant?", yes I was, 7 weeks along I was holding out to give the good news at least until I was 8 weeks. The past months since my post I have went through with two fertility treatments. The second one rendering our hopes! So today is a double dose of pain, I would be lying if I said I was not really struggling with my faith right now. With the loss landing on Max's day and the reality that I feel my fervent, faithful, and hopeful prayers were denied has me spinning in a deep sense of abandonment. I really want to ask for prayers right now, but honestly my bitterness is making that request laced with too much anger and pain. I know I am not immune from heartache, but just the circumstances of it all make it seem like salt on a wound. All in God's timing seems a bit cruel today.
I am so sorry I wanted so bad to bring some joyful news and now I just need to write. I need to ease the weight of this pain. I miss Maxson so much I miss stuff about Max that I never even experienced. I believe the baby I lost today never had a heartbeat, it hurts but for such a different reason. We will try again. I know we will not give up, I am knocked down and my faith is shaken but He will pick me up again...that's all I can hold on to right now.
6.25.2009
Dustin
Maxson Linwood is one very lucky boy, I do hope God instilled this in Max. His Daddy loved him so much and he is and would have been such a great dad.
Dustin has this gift, I call it a gift anyway, his mom had it too...he has a way to almost always put everyone else ahead of himself. A way to take care of my needs, Max's needs, and everyone's needs before his own...hmm....except for food, he will steal the last ice cream sandwich. But he truly loves and shows it through many selfless acts. I just wish Max would have been able to experience this warm blanket of love a lot longer than he did.
So Father's Day was okay. But okay is a good thing, I mean you can't expect much more this first Father's Day without our baby boy. Dustin was strong as usual I did see his eyes gloss over when he read a card my sister sent him.
Speaking of Dust, that is one of the many painful subjects that have plagued my mind over the loss of Max. Why Dustin? Why God, his mom then his son? Why so much sorrow for a man who is so selfless? Why can't Dust enjoy his son HERE?
Alright...
that feels better.
Well I thank God for such a wonderful husband and I pray God will bring joy into Dustin's life.
Dustin has this gift, I call it a gift anyway, his mom had it too...he has a way to almost always put everyone else ahead of himself. A way to take care of my needs, Max's needs, and everyone's needs before his own...hmm....except for food, he will steal the last ice cream sandwich. But he truly loves and shows it through many selfless acts. I just wish Max would have been able to experience this warm blanket of love a lot longer than he did.
So Father's Day was okay. But okay is a good thing, I mean you can't expect much more this first Father's Day without our baby boy. Dustin was strong as usual I did see his eyes gloss over when he read a card my sister sent him.
Speaking of Dust, that is one of the many painful subjects that have plagued my mind over the loss of Max. Why Dustin? Why God, his mom then his son? Why so much sorrow for a man who is so selfless? Why can't Dust enjoy his son HERE?
Alright...
that feels better.
Well I thank God for such a wonderful husband and I pray God will bring joy into Dustin's life.
6.15.2009
It has been my longest stretch without posting and checking the blog world news. So today I have been catching up on this "April Rose" thing and all of the mommas blogs I follow. Really I should be writing some bills out but that can wait.
First, Maxson did have his sixth month without a post from me. All I can say is its been hard and its been good. Really my mind goes something like this: Ahh I miss him, aww this pit in my stomach...oh God please help carry this for me...then there are times like this: why don't I feel that missing part? Where is the ache? Max is my son who is not in my arms, please God let me feel the piece of my heart that Max has. Really, God is the only one Great enough to deal with this manic mindset that I have. One day I felt so low that I googled "extreme depression" then later wrote in my journal to God and woke up the next day dancing on the clouds...to be so up and down never happened to me before Maxson. The reason I haven't had words lately is I can't find the words to sum up these emotions.
Second thing I want to write about is my take on this "April Rose" fraud. It is a horrible thing for her to do, but then it takes someone pretty lost to play on a fictitious story of such a great loss. I know she has said she has lost a child in the past but really she has lost any credibility in my book, so who knows. I do forgive her and I pray God helps her too. When it comes down to it I am a sinner as is this woman, and we both have the hope and faith in forgiveness through Jesus Christ... she deserves forgiveness as do we all. A fallen world, a world where people lie, I just hope that this particular web of falsehood doesn't tarnish the support for other mom's and families that need this outlet. This blog world has been a saving grace to me many times. Please know there are so many of us on here who are opening up a part of our lives that are truly wounded and need your prayers and thoughts. Just please try not to let this hinder you from praying for someone you feel led to do so for.
I have a doctors appointment this week. I was going into this fertility thing again with a plan not to share it with those close to me. Lately the anxiety of it all has been heavy on my mind. I can't do it alone I need you to storm Heaven for Dust and I. We need the support of our family and friends. And while I may not be sharing every detailed event in this journey with our family and friends as I did last time I will share we are on the road again. Please ask God to supply us with the strength to handle what may be ahead, please seek a miracle in your prayers for us.
with love,
Max's momma
First, Maxson did have his sixth month without a post from me. All I can say is its been hard and its been good. Really my mind goes something like this: Ahh I miss him, aww this pit in my stomach...oh God please help carry this for me...then there are times like this: why don't I feel that missing part? Where is the ache? Max is my son who is not in my arms, please God let me feel the piece of my heart that Max has. Really, God is the only one Great enough to deal with this manic mindset that I have. One day I felt so low that I googled "extreme depression" then later wrote in my journal to God and woke up the next day dancing on the clouds...to be so up and down never happened to me before Maxson. The reason I haven't had words lately is I can't find the words to sum up these emotions.
Second thing I want to write about is my take on this "April Rose" fraud. It is a horrible thing for her to do, but then it takes someone pretty lost to play on a fictitious story of such a great loss. I know she has said she has lost a child in the past but really she has lost any credibility in my book, so who knows. I do forgive her and I pray God helps her too. When it comes down to it I am a sinner as is this woman, and we both have the hope and faith in forgiveness through Jesus Christ... she deserves forgiveness as do we all. A fallen world, a world where people lie, I just hope that this particular web of falsehood doesn't tarnish the support for other mom's and families that need this outlet. This blog world has been a saving grace to me many times. Please know there are so many of us on here who are opening up a part of our lives that are truly wounded and need your prayers and thoughts. Just please try not to let this hinder you from praying for someone you feel led to do so for.
I have a doctors appointment this week. I was going into this fertility thing again with a plan not to share it with those close to me. Lately the anxiety of it all has been heavy on my mind. I can't do it alone I need you to storm Heaven for Dust and I. We need the support of our family and friends. And while I may not be sharing every detailed event in this journey with our family and friends as I did last time I will share we are on the road again. Please ask God to supply us with the strength to handle what may be ahead, please seek a miracle in your prayers for us.
with love,
Max's momma
5.20.2009
The Mother at Heart
I do realize when my co-workers, strangers, and even some friends look at me they don't see a Mom. To be honest when I look in the mirror or finish a day out I don't feel like a mom. Nothing in my day usually reflects being a mom. To count how many times I have longed to be drug out of bed with a crying baby or to leave a store unfinished to save others ears from my crying baby or to not be out at a peaceful dinner. To those with kids this may sound odd, to long for the not so joyful times of motherhood, to want it all... the good the bad and the ugly! But coming through to where I'm at now... what I wouldn't give to be up all night with my crying baby boy. So, I don't appear to be a mom I don't have any of the usual tells, besides the unkept hair at times, but what I do have is the Mother's heart which now knows the love of her child, and now longs for everything Max would have given, the disgusting diapers and all.
With all that being said, this past Mother's Day I actually felt like a Mom. In part to many friends and family that acknowledged me as so and in part to prayers. I was really expecting a dreadful day. Dust and I took off to my hometown and surprised my mom, we cleaned her house and spent the day honoring her and in turn I felt pretty peaceful and my soul didn't ache as much as I was expecting. We even visited Maxson's grave for the second time, which though sad held much more peace than the first time.
I love and am immensely grateful for all your sweet comments. Some have come when I needed the words most. Thanks for the prayers on Mother's Day and the continued support. I know this blog may be viewed by other mom's who have lost or know that loss lies ahead of them, and my hope is along with my posts and your comments we may bring comfort or hope to a Momma in pain. I know I sound like a broken record but the choice we made to carry Max's life out is one I would never ever take back. And I so remember the initial days after we were told about Maxson's condition and all the many emotions that plagued my vision. Then I couldn't have dreamed what joy, comfort, love, encouragement, peace, memories, and friendships would lie ahead of me. Sure more than my taking of grief, pain, sorrow, anger and loneliness have been felt too, it's just back in August I didn't see any good in the days ahead of me all I saw was the pain. So please pray for the other Mother's hearts out there tonight who ache at knowing the coming loss of their child or who are grieving the loss now.
with love,
Trish
With all that being said, this past Mother's Day I actually felt like a Mom. In part to many friends and family that acknowledged me as so and in part to prayers. I was really expecting a dreadful day. Dust and I took off to my hometown and surprised my mom, we cleaned her house and spent the day honoring her and in turn I felt pretty peaceful and my soul didn't ache as much as I was expecting. We even visited Maxson's grave for the second time, which though sad held much more peace than the first time.
I love and am immensely grateful for all your sweet comments. Some have come when I needed the words most. Thanks for the prayers on Mother's Day and the continued support. I know this blog may be viewed by other mom's who have lost or know that loss lies ahead of them, and my hope is along with my posts and your comments we may bring comfort or hope to a Momma in pain. I know I sound like a broken record but the choice we made to carry Max's life out is one I would never ever take back. And I so remember the initial days after we were told about Maxson's condition and all the many emotions that plagued my vision. Then I couldn't have dreamed what joy, comfort, love, encouragement, peace, memories, and friendships would lie ahead of me. Sure more than my taking of grief, pain, sorrow, anger and loneliness have been felt too, it's just back in August I didn't see any good in the days ahead of me all I saw was the pain. So please pray for the other Mother's hearts out there tonight who ache at knowing the coming loss of their child or who are grieving the loss now.
with love,
Trish
5.08.2009
Remembering
I have been for quite some time, planning on looking back on Max's birthday and writing out the day and days after. One, I know it will be healing, two I want you all to be able to know what went on that day, and three for my son's day to be remembered in writing. I do have a lot of the day on video and plan to edit something together sometime but I want to wait until I am ready to watch the video in whole, which I haven't had the courage to do so thus far. I will at some point. But for now I want to share with you in words.
December 5, 2008
Dust and I were to the hospital around 5:30 on the 5th. The rest of my family and friends joined us around 6 am. Everything that morning felt surreal. We were blessed to have a nurse that was incredibly real, and with us through the day and into the night. It was the first time she ever took part in a delivery such as ours, the grace and strength she gave to everyone was beyond what anyone expected. I for one didn't understand the importance of her job that day. Now, knowing what was before her that day leaves me with a new respect for what nurses do and are capable of giving.
She arrived along with a few other doctors at least I think they were doctors. They all introduced themselves and gave me an idea of what to expect in the operating room. It was really like a dream leading up to Max's arrival. My doctor prayed with us, I felt secure in her care. Another nurse offered to video and our photographers were there ready to snap pictures. For anyone who has been through a c-section I'm sure you know the crazy ER experience of the operating room. My family and friends prayed and waited together in the waiting room. After they prepared me, with a catheter in all, Dust was able to come in and be by my side. From when my Dr. started the incision to when I had a glimpse of Max over the curtain felt like seconds and it was only minutes. My c-section was scheduled at 7:30 am and Max was lifted over the curtain at 7:33 am.
Love at first sight doesn't do justice to the way my heart soared looking at his face. I went to some place... Jesus I believe carried me from that moment on. The part of the video I have seen was when they were trying to get Max to breath. This felt like seconds to me again, but in reality was much longer. They worked on him for some time and I just was able to have peace and watch his sweet face for what I thought was seconds. I do remember wanting desperately to switch spots with him, to not have to watch him struggle to breath. But God took time away which now thinking back if I would've felt time I don't know if I could have made it through and kept my composure. Composure was so important that day, if I would have lost it the memories would have been tarnished to just pain, there was so much more there that day than just pain.
Then he was in my arms. Dust and I enjoyed Maxson and were able to feel such true joy as this little life graced us with his time.
It was time for us to be moved to a special room that allowed all of my family and friends to meet Maxson. I was moved out of the operating room with Maxson in my arms and alive. At this point if my memory serves me right Max started this cooing sound that while it sounded cute and promising my nurse informed us it was the sound of him becoming tired. The doctor told me Max would become tired and that no amount of time could be given but that it wasn't long. This is another moment I felt a powerful strength given to me. I didn't break down I just enjoyed his presence. I let my family hold him real quick and back on my chest he went. My pastor was there and we dedicated Max to the Lord. And I just felt in awe of his life, watching and feeling him with me can't be put into words to express the amazement and love it carried. My nurse informed us he was becoming tired. At some point I turned Max to face me. He looked into my eyes I felt for a moment he knew I was his mamma and then a absent glaze came over his eyes. His heart came to a stop shortly after this 10:44 am.
Immediately after his heart stopped a time of pure agony came on but was short lived, I again felt some strength come (your prayers were there, and I felt all of them). We gave Max a bath and took some pictures with him. Then we enjoyed him just being in our arms even though it was just physical.
I have some great friends and my friends have some great men in their lives. One of my friend's husband is so real and honest, and I deeply respect him for his honesty, he told me later that when he came to visit he thought it was weird that we were all happily hanging out with a baby who had passed. But when he entered the room and had the chance to hold Max his view changed. He thought it was the most beautiful real experience he has ever had the chance to share. I wanted to share this thought because I understand that it may seem weird to have joy and peace holding a child that has gone to be with Jesus. But it wasn't. I held and shared Max with family and friends until 9 that night.
I was moved to a private room in the OB some time during the day. This is the room I would spend the next few days. Some of my friends did my makeup and hair so we could have a few more pictures with Maxson as a family. My girlfriends that day were able to experience everything with us and I am so grateful they did. Not only cause it made Max's life so real to them, it helped me and helps me to know that they just know.
My family was there all day the love and support they provided really carried me through. Dust was so strong and I could see the love he had for his son all over his face. A proud papa! Being able to see my Dad and Mom enjoy their grandson's life are memories I have that I wouldn't trade for any amount of money. I spent a lot of the day pulling Max to my face and kissing his little head. Best kiss ever! I only lost it completely when the funeral home came and took him away. My family was there to help me through this part. They did offer me the chance to keep Max till morning something we decided not to do, some days I regret this other days I feel peace about our choice.
December 6, 2008
When awoke the next day is when it fully hit me. I felt like I woke up with my legs amputated. I felt ripped in two not from the physical pain of the c-section but from my baby not being where he was supposed to, in my arms or beneath my heart. Ahh, this was the hardest part of the whole journey the time when I can say the pain about did me in. Dust didn't know what to do with me, he called my parents and my whole family came in to console me. Later that day a close friend came and laid with me in my bed all day. I drifted in and out . Not only did Dustin lose his son but he had to watch me go through such a difficult time this thought alone can bring tears to my eyes.
The next few days were really hard for us. Nights especially, I would wake up and Dust would be sleeping and the reality would hit me again and again. One night there was a nurse I don't remember her name or know if I would recognize her face, she said she was called in and never really works in OB, anyway she held me while I cried and shared her own loss of two children with me. A Godsend? I believe so but I don't believe in coincidences being that, I believe in a higher power working in a higher way, some call it miracles. She was there that night to help me maybe like no else could.
Dustin slept in a chair next to my bed every night, poor guy. My sister Shelly stayed late visiting with us a couple of the nights, which says a lot because of her busy life. Prayers were pleaded and loads of support were offered. I know I have stated this before but having and losing Max was such a humbling experience.
My hope in writing this out is I may heal a bit more today, and that you may become even more a part of that day! I know this post is filled with lots of tears and pain, I pray you are also able to see the joy and the very real, beautiful story God wrote through Max's life.
with love,
Trish
December 5, 2008
Dust and I were to the hospital around 5:30 on the 5th. The rest of my family and friends joined us around 6 am. Everything that morning felt surreal. We were blessed to have a nurse that was incredibly real, and with us through the day and into the night. It was the first time she ever took part in a delivery such as ours, the grace and strength she gave to everyone was beyond what anyone expected. I for one didn't understand the importance of her job that day. Now, knowing what was before her that day leaves me with a new respect for what nurses do and are capable of giving.
She arrived along with a few other doctors at least I think they were doctors. They all introduced themselves and gave me an idea of what to expect in the operating room. It was really like a dream leading up to Max's arrival. My doctor prayed with us, I felt secure in her care. Another nurse offered to video and our photographers were there ready to snap pictures. For anyone who has been through a c-section I'm sure you know the crazy ER experience of the operating room. My family and friends prayed and waited together in the waiting room. After they prepared me, with a catheter in all, Dust was able to come in and be by my side. From when my Dr. started the incision to when I had a glimpse of Max over the curtain felt like seconds and it was only minutes. My c-section was scheduled at 7:30 am and Max was lifted over the curtain at 7:33 am.
Love at first sight doesn't do justice to the way my heart soared looking at his face. I went to some place... Jesus I believe carried me from that moment on. The part of the video I have seen was when they were trying to get Max to breath. This felt like seconds to me again, but in reality was much longer. They worked on him for some time and I just was able to have peace and watch his sweet face for what I thought was seconds. I do remember wanting desperately to switch spots with him, to not have to watch him struggle to breath. But God took time away which now thinking back if I would've felt time I don't know if I could have made it through and kept my composure. Composure was so important that day, if I would have lost it the memories would have been tarnished to just pain, there was so much more there that day than just pain.
Then he was in my arms. Dust and I enjoyed Maxson and were able to feel such true joy as this little life graced us with his time.
It was time for us to be moved to a special room that allowed all of my family and friends to meet Maxson. I was moved out of the operating room with Maxson in my arms and alive. At this point if my memory serves me right Max started this cooing sound that while it sounded cute and promising my nurse informed us it was the sound of him becoming tired. The doctor told me Max would become tired and that no amount of time could be given but that it wasn't long. This is another moment I felt a powerful strength given to me. I didn't break down I just enjoyed his presence. I let my family hold him real quick and back on my chest he went. My pastor was there and we dedicated Max to the Lord. And I just felt in awe of his life, watching and feeling him with me can't be put into words to express the amazement and love it carried. My nurse informed us he was becoming tired. At some point I turned Max to face me. He looked into my eyes I felt for a moment he knew I was his mamma and then a absent glaze came over his eyes. His heart came to a stop shortly after this 10:44 am.
Immediately after his heart stopped a time of pure agony came on but was short lived, I again felt some strength come (your prayers were there, and I felt all of them). We gave Max a bath and took some pictures with him. Then we enjoyed him just being in our arms even though it was just physical.
I have some great friends and my friends have some great men in their lives. One of my friend's husband is so real and honest, and I deeply respect him for his honesty, he told me later that when he came to visit he thought it was weird that we were all happily hanging out with a baby who had passed. But when he entered the room and had the chance to hold Max his view changed. He thought it was the most beautiful real experience he has ever had the chance to share. I wanted to share this thought because I understand that it may seem weird to have joy and peace holding a child that has gone to be with Jesus. But it wasn't. I held and shared Max with family and friends until 9 that night.
I was moved to a private room in the OB some time during the day. This is the room I would spend the next few days. Some of my friends did my makeup and hair so we could have a few more pictures with Maxson as a family. My girlfriends that day were able to experience everything with us and I am so grateful they did. Not only cause it made Max's life so real to them, it helped me and helps me to know that they just know.
My family was there all day the love and support they provided really carried me through. Dust was so strong and I could see the love he had for his son all over his face. A proud papa! Being able to see my Dad and Mom enjoy their grandson's life are memories I have that I wouldn't trade for any amount of money. I spent a lot of the day pulling Max to my face and kissing his little head. Best kiss ever! I only lost it completely when the funeral home came and took him away. My family was there to help me through this part. They did offer me the chance to keep Max till morning something we decided not to do, some days I regret this other days I feel peace about our choice.
December 6, 2008
When awoke the next day is when it fully hit me. I felt like I woke up with my legs amputated. I felt ripped in two not from the physical pain of the c-section but from my baby not being where he was supposed to, in my arms or beneath my heart. Ahh, this was the hardest part of the whole journey the time when I can say the pain about did me in. Dust didn't know what to do with me, he called my parents and my whole family came in to console me. Later that day a close friend came and laid with me in my bed all day. I drifted in and out . Not only did Dustin lose his son but he had to watch me go through such a difficult time this thought alone can bring tears to my eyes.
The next few days were really hard for us. Nights especially, I would wake up and Dust would be sleeping and the reality would hit me again and again. One night there was a nurse I don't remember her name or know if I would recognize her face, she said she was called in and never really works in OB, anyway she held me while I cried and shared her own loss of two children with me. A Godsend? I believe so but I don't believe in coincidences being that, I believe in a higher power working in a higher way, some call it miracles. She was there that night to help me maybe like no else could.
Dustin slept in a chair next to my bed every night, poor guy. My sister Shelly stayed late visiting with us a couple of the nights, which says a lot because of her busy life. Prayers were pleaded and loads of support were offered. I know I have stated this before but having and losing Max was such a humbling experience.
My hope in writing this out is I may heal a bit more today, and that you may become even more a part of that day! I know this post is filled with lots of tears and pain, I pray you are also able to see the joy and the very real, beautiful story God wrote through Max's life.
with love,
Trish
5.05.2009
5 5 5
Today is the fifth month since Maxson was born and went to be in heaven, it is also the 5th month of the year, and it is the 5th, hence the title.
I miss Max today... more than other days, I don't think so. My arms and heart feel so heavy when I think about his sweet face. I have been trying to think on the fact that if Max was here today he would be struggling with health problems in some way. I can't tell you this eases the fact he's not in my life but it does give some sort of peace that he is healed and not in pain.
I want my son to know I feel so privileged to have carried his life, to have kissed his face, to have looked into his eyes. Dust and I want to share the love we have for him with little brothers and sisters. We want to find a way to keep spreading the love he has brought into this world. We want his face to be etched into our memory along with the feeling of his skin. We want others, who may have to walk this road,to know that choosing to carry Maxson was a decision we would never take back. Not just because of our morals, the memories and all the moments we had the chance to experience with our son make the choice we made beyond worth it.
If you are reading this and recently had a grim prenatal diagnosis, please know you can contact us with any questions you may have. Know you are not alone and that the feelings of not being able to continue are normal and just part of the emotional journey you are on.
For everyone who has prayed, read, and thought about us I can't thank you enough. God had a bigger picture for Maxson's life than I would have ever imagined, after receiving the news he wouldn't be a child we would keep here I struggled with wanting my son's life to have purpose. You all have fulfilled that desire, I love hearing how Max's life has impacted others. The comments on this blog by people that are touched or changed by Maxson's life greatly encourage us in our sorrow. So, thank you thank you thank you! We love you all!
Max's mommy
I miss Max today... more than other days, I don't think so. My arms and heart feel so heavy when I think about his sweet face. I have been trying to think on the fact that if Max was here today he would be struggling with health problems in some way. I can't tell you this eases the fact he's not in my life but it does give some sort of peace that he is healed and not in pain.
I want my son to know I feel so privileged to have carried his life, to have kissed his face, to have looked into his eyes. Dust and I want to share the love we have for him with little brothers and sisters. We want to find a way to keep spreading the love he has brought into this world. We want his face to be etched into our memory along with the feeling of his skin. We want others, who may have to walk this road,to know that choosing to carry Maxson was a decision we would never take back. Not just because of our morals, the memories and all the moments we had the chance to experience with our son make the choice we made beyond worth it.
If you are reading this and recently had a grim prenatal diagnosis, please know you can contact us with any questions you may have. Know you are not alone and that the feelings of not being able to continue are normal and just part of the emotional journey you are on.
For everyone who has prayed, read, and thought about us I can't thank you enough. God had a bigger picture for Maxson's life than I would have ever imagined, after receiving the news he wouldn't be a child we would keep here I struggled with wanting my son's life to have purpose. You all have fulfilled that desire, I love hearing how Max's life has impacted others. The comments on this blog by people that are touched or changed by Maxson's life greatly encourage us in our sorrow. So, thank you thank you thank you! We love you all!
Max's mommy
4.23.2009
Catching Up
It has been awhile since I have posted. Many times I have tried but my mind has been so scattered and life has been so busy, a lot of time I just have anxiety of how I am going to get everything done that I need to (anxiety is something new for me, yuk).
First, I am working with that production company I wrote about earlier. They are the nicest people and I am really excited for the chance to do what I went to school for. So thank you for your prayers not only am I working with a couple who are willing to give me work they are also willing to mentor me, that I may improve on my skill. Serving is still alive and I am a bit over scheduled but hopefully I can figure out on how to balance the two without getting stressed.
Easter was really hard. Just like Christmas when the day was over a weight was lifted. I don't know the reason for this. I don't understand why the pain was so raw that day. Just more I don't knows, I don't understands I have to find a place of peace with. Some days I really battle with the reason I am not holding Max and the fact I have to live with this maybe until I'm over a hundred -ahhh. I have to learn this new normal and keep joy and hope in living this life without a piece of my heart. I can't remember where I read this but the author said losing a loved one is like losing a limb. You have to learn to live without that limb, you can't live the way you did before, you have to accept and learn to live a life different than it would have been. So I will continue to learn, to accept that my life is going to have to find a new normal...and I am. God is here, HE hasn't given up on me. I know He has a lot of work to do in me. Only God knows His plans for me and I am trying to trust Him.
Last weekend I visited Maxson's grave for the first time since we laid him to rest. Keep in mind I am from ND and it was my first chance to see his grave because of the massive amount of snow we've had. And I moved away. But we went back, if you couldn't tell I have felt guilt for not visiting his grave earlier but rationally I know he isn't there anyway.
Anyway, it hurt. Ahh, I hated the idea of having to visit Max's grave, this is a loaded statement and I don't mean that I don't want to it just sucks! I cried real ugly and left with missing him more than when I arrived. It was the first visit so I'm sure it will become a place where there is more than just deep moans and longings. I really can't imagine if I didn't have my faith. If I thought that grave was it. Wow, the emptiness of that.
Dust and I have talked and God willing we want to start fertility at the end of the summer or maybe sooner. I still have just as deep of a desire to Mother and I want Maxson to have a brother or sister or maybe even a bunch. Is this scary? More than I could put in words. Not only the pregnancy and birth the fact of any of my future children dying before me is what scares me. That's the trusting God part I'm working on. I don't know if I've shared but fertility issues go both ways for Dust and me. We both have factors that make it difficult and a complete miracle if it were to happen naturally. But knowing that still doesn't count out that hope I have every month. Then the curse comes and I deal and I anticipate next month. It just takes once for God to work a great miracle and my faith that He could is no less now than a year and some months ago. But we both believe God created us and therefore the science we have been able to cultivate, we will try fertility again. After all He knits the life together!
I will stay in touch. I send my love to those of you reading.
Max's momma
First, I am working with that production company I wrote about earlier. They are the nicest people and I am really excited for the chance to do what I went to school for. So thank you for your prayers not only am I working with a couple who are willing to give me work they are also willing to mentor me, that I may improve on my skill. Serving is still alive and I am a bit over scheduled but hopefully I can figure out on how to balance the two without getting stressed.
Easter was really hard. Just like Christmas when the day was over a weight was lifted. I don't know the reason for this. I don't understand why the pain was so raw that day. Just more I don't knows, I don't understands I have to find a place of peace with. Some days I really battle with the reason I am not holding Max and the fact I have to live with this maybe until I'm over a hundred -ahhh. I have to learn this new normal and keep joy and hope in living this life without a piece of my heart. I can't remember where I read this but the author said losing a loved one is like losing a limb. You have to learn to live without that limb, you can't live the way you did before, you have to accept and learn to live a life different than it would have been. So I will continue to learn, to accept that my life is going to have to find a new normal...and I am. God is here, HE hasn't given up on me. I know He has a lot of work to do in me. Only God knows His plans for me and I am trying to trust Him.
Last weekend I visited Maxson's grave for the first time since we laid him to rest. Keep in mind I am from ND and it was my first chance to see his grave because of the massive amount of snow we've had. And I moved away. But we went back, if you couldn't tell I have felt guilt for not visiting his grave earlier but rationally I know he isn't there anyway.
Anyway, it hurt. Ahh, I hated the idea of having to visit Max's grave, this is a loaded statement and I don't mean that I don't want to it just sucks! I cried real ugly and left with missing him more than when I arrived. It was the first visit so I'm sure it will become a place where there is more than just deep moans and longings. I really can't imagine if I didn't have my faith. If I thought that grave was it. Wow, the emptiness of that.
Dust and I have talked and God willing we want to start fertility at the end of the summer or maybe sooner. I still have just as deep of a desire to Mother and I want Maxson to have a brother or sister or maybe even a bunch. Is this scary? More than I could put in words. Not only the pregnancy and birth the fact of any of my future children dying before me is what scares me. That's the trusting God part I'm working on. I don't know if I've shared but fertility issues go both ways for Dust and me. We both have factors that make it difficult and a complete miracle if it were to happen naturally. But knowing that still doesn't count out that hope I have every month. Then the curse comes and I deal and I anticipate next month. It just takes once for God to work a great miracle and my faith that He could is no less now than a year and some months ago. But we both believe God created us and therefore the science we have been able to cultivate, we will try fertility again. After all He knits the life together!
I will stay in touch. I send my love to those of you reading.
Max's momma
4.05.2009
Love Remains
Four months
Today has been hard. Hard in that I can't quite think on Max too long without feeling that I am going to break down and I just don't want to. I have cried more in the last 8 months than I have in my entire life. I'm not a girl who cries pretty. My face turns red, my eyes swell, heck my whole my face swells. I can let a few tears escape but if I give in to the cry I will then deal with aftermath. I'm tired of dealing with aftermath. In all sorts. So, yes today many tears have escaped but I'm keeping the cry in today.
I have searched a bit deeper today about my love for Maxson. And this is where my thoughts led me: Here out I have this love. No one can take it away or steal it. Well, it can't be seen or noticed by others it is here forever. It physically holds me and it will always be one of my most valuable possessions. Even though love is not tangible I feel like I can embrace it, hold it, that is how powerful the love I feel for Max is.
So, I don't have my son here to hold, to raise, to nurture, to kiss, to see grow, to laugh with, and this list could go on and on. But now I have the love, the love remains.
What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love becomes a part of us.
Helen Keller
Happy four months in Heaven Maxson.
Today has been hard. Hard in that I can't quite think on Max too long without feeling that I am going to break down and I just don't want to. I have cried more in the last 8 months than I have in my entire life. I'm not a girl who cries pretty. My face turns red, my eyes swell, heck my whole my face swells. I can let a few tears escape but if I give in to the cry I will then deal with aftermath. I'm tired of dealing with aftermath. In all sorts. So, yes today many tears have escaped but I'm keeping the cry in today.
I have searched a bit deeper today about my love for Maxson. And this is where my thoughts led me: Here out I have this love. No one can take it away or steal it. Well, it can't be seen or noticed by others it is here forever. It physically holds me and it will always be one of my most valuable possessions. Even though love is not tangible I feel like I can embrace it, hold it, that is how powerful the love I feel for Max is.
So, I don't have my son here to hold, to raise, to nurture, to kiss, to see grow, to laugh with, and this list could go on and on. But now I have the love, the love remains.
What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love becomes a part of us.
Helen Keller
Happy four months in Heaven Maxson.
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